Government to whip MPs to vote to keep local election results private

Her Majesty’s ship of state has indicated it is to introduce an emergency bill through parliament today in order to ensure non-disclosure of today’s local election results tomorrow.

The bill, which has a working title of ‘The Great Rout” has been criticised by opposition MPs though for not going far enough.

“The government would be more secure if proceedings in both houses were private,” an aide to Jeremy Jam Tommorow Cordorouy Unicorn Fudge Why Did Labour Hand Voter Details to Vote Leave? told us, “this stuff with the Lords is going to make us look a bit bloody pointless as an official opposition if we vote against those amendments and in the government’s favour when the entire Withdrawal Bill shitshow returns to us. Why not kill all the birds with one stone?”

But the government hit back at the criticism.

”They’re just worried their activists will pass out from exhaustion blaming the limited surge in Labour votes in the locals on Blairite Libdem scum and EU citizen insurgents, rather than Jezza’s enabling of Brexit. If, and it’s only an if, given the horrors of austerity, they don’t get the expected surge today tomorrow.

It’s just possible those EU citizens and their British chums will take this opportunity to vote against being made second class citizens by the collusion between the governing executive and Labour front bench.

They’re panicked.

We’re ahead of the curve. We know we’re so shafted by our own vileness and lies we aren’t even bothering to campaign anywhere that doesn’t have a significant racist, I mean UKIP vote.

We invite the so called official opposition to work with us in making sure no one knows tomorrow what happens today.

I’m personally tabling an amendment to the great rout to force newly elected councillors to sign NDA’s so they can’t tell anyone they were elected today tomorrow.”

Asked to hit back at the retort Labour abstained, as it did in the Lords the other night on the option to give the public a vote on whatever humilitating nonsense of a deal May comes back from the EU with. If it gets that far.

We did also take the opportunity to ask the Labour representative why they didn’t whip their MPs to vote last night in the commons to force disclosure of the Windrush documents?

Given the justifiable assault they’ve made on the institutionally racist policies put in place by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 – 2016.

”Strong and stable,” they replied, “we need May to be as stable as possible so we don’t actually have to have any responsibility for Brexit. On that score may I wish them all the best in today’s local elections.

If we accidentally win Wandsworth and the Cons wipe out broadly, it’s going to make our Brexit fencesitting very difficult going forward. Today and tomorrow. We have to be careful not to be in government when the car industry departs.”

Farage says he’ll stop calling for abolition of the Lords if they make him one

Elder British statesman Nigel Farage has clarified his call for the abolition of the House of Lords by stating he’ll “stop calling for abolition of the Lords if they make him one.”

The offer will be a timely relief for the Lords who suddenly find themselves anti-establishment heroes for their insistence on doing the job they’re unelected to do.

”My preference is for an elected upper house,” Herr Farage added, “just a lot smaller. I’m sure with the right persuasion and vote rigging and dark money channeled into the campaign by someone with an insurance business as an alleged front, the will of the people would be shown to be to have a small House of Lords handpicked with ballot boxes stuffed by myself and Cambridge Analytica employees.”

High Commander Farage went on then to list the people he felt should be elected with a one hundred percent vote in their favour.

”Myself of course. Arron. Dacre. Murdoch. Vladimir. Trump. Arlene. Kate. Corbyn. Hannan. It’s a decent list of proven word artists. Basically anyone who can be relied upon to back Brexit to the hilt. Oh, and hanging. And gun ownership. And tax liberalisation. And opposition to climate change. And changing history courses in schools to reflect what children should learn.”

Whether or not Theresa May will give in and award Farage a peerage will depend upon which threats she receives via snail mail from Jacob Rees-mogg and the other serial chancers of the ERG.

”Elected representatives have proven themselves to be very malleable and easily startled. Just look at the nonsense parliament currently is with two major parties scared racists won’t vote for them. It’s high time we did away with that lack of fear in the upper house.”

What Lord Nigel would be Lord of is open to suggestions.

Couple plan to back Brexit at any cost except at the ballot box

An couple of voters, who actually work together towards a shared aim professionally, have spoken to LCD Views this afternoon to explain they are determined to vote for Brexit supporting parties in the local elections tomorrow, in spite of what’s now known about Brexit. 

“We’re a bit stuck in our ways,” the old man said, “I personally have been backing Brexit since the 1970’s, in spite of all the rights now enshrined in EU treaties because you know.

Well. My friend John has a little red book. And Nigel fronted a racist billboard campaign to get votes. I’m a little confused by it all. I just do what I’m told these days.

But I do know we’ll not get the sort of change I desire to the bin collections on my street unless everyone is eating out of them first.”

His female friend was also happy to explain her reasoning.

“Sound bite means sound bite,” she said, looking straight at us, “and I am determined to deliver the best sound bite Farage vote possible for the United Kingdom by delivering sound bite UKIP agenda. That’s why tomorrow I will be voting for sound bite. Sound bite is meant to distract from”

She paused at that point, clearly recognising what she was saying was nonsense and stared fixedly ahead, a rainbow wheel spinning where her irises had previously been.

“It’s okay,” her friend said, “just reach over to the socket will you and pull her plug out of the wall. Count to ten. Put the plug back in. Once she powers back up she’ll be fine.”

Suspicions that neither have been paying much attention to developments, and just how much damage their parties UKIP agenda is doing to the United Kingdom, in terms of jobs, investment, community relations, encouragement of racism by backing Nigel Farage’s vision of the country, the deep anxiety felt by millions of people who stand to become second class citizens if Brexit happens in spite of coming here legally under the current arrangements and then finding themselves bargaining chips for nationalists to our deep shame, the predominate desire of the young to not find themselves suddenly with a blue passport that won’t do sweet f*ck all compared to the burgundy ones that could have been blue all along anyway, and the risk to the peace agreement in Northern Ireland, that the sound bites of Labour and the blithe nostalgic imperialism of the Tories risks, were met with shrugs.

“I made up my mind based on what I perceive to be best for my own self-interest,” they chorused together, “doesn’t everyone? Anyway local elections are just about who will collect the bins. It’s not like the major parties will interpret the results to be related to their national policies. UKIP taking over government by winning council seats and rising vote share was a one off.”

The old man then offered to make us some jam.

“People say I’m not up to speed with how fast things develop nowadays,” he smiled softly, “but you don’t make jam in a rush. You stir it slowly. You build a movement. Sometimes for so long it seems it’ll never be finished.”

We looked to his colleague for a final comment, but she was just staring out the window with small sparks coming off the bolts keeping her head on her shoulders.

Fiddler not getting anything useful done

Britain’s Nero, aka Theresa May MP and PM (for a little bit longer) has been told to fiddle her neocon fiddle more loudly so the people can hear her fiddling over the roar of the flames.

“It’s a magic fiddle,” says Jacob Rees-mogg (MP for your favourite historical period), “it spurts flammable liquids onto the flames each time the bow is drawn across the strings. It’s a pre-glorious revolutionary instrument for political music. I’m one of the conductors. There are others. Anyone who photoshops well with a toothbrush moustache can dictate the tune Mayhem plays. Oh, and Arlene Foster.”

The musical mischief making, which has been going on for almost two years now, made a change for Britain’s Nero, as previously her role was more junior and confined to lurking about the shadows, stacking the streets of the cities with crisp tinder that would readily take the flames. The so called, hostile environment concerto which has been played all throughout the United Kingdom (using United loosely) and to energetic reviews across the channel.

“I fancy a go at the fiddle myself,” Jacob continued, “I’m a bit frustrated just conducting from the background. If the winds fanning the flames drop in intensity there may actually be something left to rebuild with.

Whereas my preference is to fulfil the destiny my idea of God whispers in my ears at night when he delivers the next day’s sheet music. A borderless destiny tax wise which fulfils the dreams of crushing and controlling worker’s rights without freedom of movement. A greater song than even fathering endless children to give latin names to.”

We asked our music correspondent for a quick comment on the performance.

“It’s a rebirth of discordant, atonal music so popular in the first half of the 20th century,” they said, “great for marching in time with a high leg lift to. Mind you, I’m not so sure how long Nero can keep fiddling as the country burns, one by one the strings are breaking. It’s just a matter of time now until the Mayhem performance closes. No doubt to rapturous applause.”

UN lists Brexit and Donald Trump as endangered species

The UN has placed both Brexit and Donald Trump on the endangered species list. Both are critically endangered. There are very few Trumps left in the wild, and nobody is quite sure whether the Brexit actually exists.

The completely unbiased and reasonable BBC has responded with alarm. It has commissioned an expensive, expansive documentary series, Red, White and Blue Planet, devoted to the adoration of these ephemeral beasts.

Predictably, the Voice Of Wildlife, Sir David Attenborough, has been persuaded to narrate the series. His persuasion allegedly amounts to several million Euros.

“A more sentimental soul would have insisted on being paid in Pounds Sterling,” remarked Attenborough’s agent, Millie Onsquids. “But Sir David wanted to be sure his fee would not lose its value. And he maybe a bit cranky about something too.”

Onsquids allowed LCD Views to listen to some of Sir David’s commentary.

These will be edited into the finished visuals, once film crews have finished recording evocative scenes of the Concrete Jungles of Northern England.

“The Brexit is an elusive, intangible species,” intones Attenborough in reverent tones. “It feeds on ignorance and racism. It excretes bullshit and inane slogans. Some believe it to be a near relation of the unicorn, others that it is a chimera. Brexits like a well-defined territory, but cannot decide whether it prefers hard, soft or frictionless borders. Nobody has ever succeeded in pinning a Brexit down.”

For the Trump segment, tumbleweed-strewn shots of the Great American Political Desert are being prepared.

“The Trump is believed to be a rare genetic mutation of a great ape,” whispers Attenborough.

“Although it resembles a human in form, it appears to have the skin and hair of an orang-utan. Its hands are small compared to body size. A Trump given a mobile telephone has proved remarkably adept at using Twitter. It prefers to tweet during its frequent periods of defecation. As such, it is an unusual example of a creature which excretes from both ends simultaneously. Its mating rituals are crude and involve grabbing the genitalia of females. Surprisingly, the Trump has succeeded in breeding.”

Red, White and Blue Planet is expected to air the moment Theresa May loses her majority in Parliament. Make Attenborough Great Again.

Deck chair throws itself off Titanic

LCD Views has learned that the captain of the Titanic, Theresa May, was disturbed late last night by frantic calls from the deck after a deck chair threw itself off the deck and into the turbulent seas.

“Amber Rudd,” the captain told LCD Views, “I name all my deck chairs. That was the one that threw itself off. It’s just as well. It was really squeaky now in the hinges. Both crew and the unwilling passengers were starting to complain. But I found it quite useful to hide behind when passengers wanted to complain about the industrial scale gastro afflicting the voyage.”

Why didn’t you just apologise and take responsibility for the gastro and then get rid of the deck chair yourself?

“Oh, I’m a complete environmentalist. I can’t throw anything away. I prefer to make do and mend. The only problem being whenever I try to mend something I usually just break it more. All thumbs me.”

The deck chair in question is not the only one to have thrown itself overboard. Other chairs have too. Justine Greening being a noteworthy one.

“She’s not overboard though. She’s down below decks. I suspect she’s waiting for us to hit the iceberg I’m steering the ship into. She’ll jump into a life boat or bop back up to the surface of the churning water and float along just fine. Just like some of the other chairs.”

But you must have a full deck of deck chairs or people will think you aren’t in control of the vessel. It’s bad enough you’re full speed ahead towards an iceberg!

“I know. I’m going to shuffle the chairs on the deck about and replace the ruddy deck chair with the Javid one. It’s great at housing. The Javid one I’ll replace with the Brokenshire one, as he’s finished breaking shires in Northern Ireland.”

So deck chair replaces deck chair in a Titanic shuffle?

“It’s not a Titanic shuffle. More a terrified split of the pack and jam it back together and hope nothing falls out in the process before we hit the iceberg and sink.”

Body language expert says planned Trump visit unlikely after studying photo

Doctor Body, a world famous expert in the field of body language studies says today the planned President Donald Trump visit to the UK is highly unlikely, after studying a photo of several people.

“These four people here,” Doctor Body tells LCD Views, “they’re the kind of highly intelligent, selfless public servants that will be lined up to meet the world’s most famous humanitarian when he visits. Clearly none of them have done any preparation. You can tell that just by looking at them.”

Doctor Body says he can tell this because of the way the four people are standing.

“Their hands are down by their sides,” he tells us, “do they look ready to shake hands with the world’s most famous handshaker in chief to you?”

He has a good point. With legs splayed out in a power display, or because of overheating genitalia, it’s hard to tell which, none of the people in the image are braced for impact.

“Maybe the photos were taken after sitting on a hot plate accidentally,” Doctor Body muses, “but then they would be grimacing. They’d also have their hands in a defensive posture holding an ice pack or something. I’m not sure what treatment would be used. I’m a body language expert. Not a medical doctor. I’m not even a qualified first aider.”

So how does he suggest they signal readiness to meet the cheeto faced, gammon chorus leader in chief?

“Close your legs,” Doctor Body advises, “and get ready to ride out the most preposterous handshake ever. Donald Trump is a self confessed sexual predator. The fact that the American people voted him into office leaves me shaking my head in wonder.

It would be best not to allow him to visit in the first place so as not to validate his appalling lack of ethics and gutter scraping behaviour.”

So work on the handshake. Got it.

Amber’s mistake was writing her lies down on paper and not on the side of a big red bus says big blonde man

“Amber’s mistake was writing her lies down on paper and not on the side of a big, red bus,” professional truth talker Boris Johnson MP (for Ruin) told us this morning over croissants and flat whites so trendy they were served on plates to make them really flat.

“How is one supposed to drink these bally coffees?” Boris wanted to know, “they should serve them with a straw.”

Your mate Gove has banned straws.

“Fracking hell, that’s right. Little sod. He should ban knives. I’d sleep better.”

So tell us about Amber Rudd’s mistakes?

“Rookie errors really,” Boris says, lifting his plate of coffee up and slurping at the edge, “It’s a question of perspective really. As regards the people you’re lying to. Make it big and bold as brass. And make it vague! Don’t write it down clearly on paper with official letterheads. I’ve no sympathy for her. Pieces of paper are so easily leaked…if you’ve the right person at a big newspaper. A big bus is watertight.”

But your big bus lie was filmed. It’s there forever. Paper can be shredded.

“Written down words are really small. Like ants. You never get them all. But a suggestion, that’s wriggle room, emblazoned on the side of a moving target that will be interpreted as a promise? That’s the magic touch. Class act.”

Amber stuck it out a long time though.

“Wouldn’t you? One step away from the throne? A career of ruined businesses behind her? What’s she going to do? Go back into private enterprise? With her CV?!

Now, must dash, I have to go and prep a close family member to start leaking stuff about Javid to the papers. Got to keep the instability going. This is how I survive. This is how I prosper. One headline after another. Just think of the success he’s made of housing. Record rough sleeping. He’s primed already.”

And the country? What about the country?

“Party before country. We know it. Labour knows it. But me before party. And I am the country now. I am its face to the world.”

That doesn’t help me sleep well at night.

What are you doing about getting Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe out of jail in Iran? That would be a good headline for you.

But he was already gone.

 

Foxes petition to have Liam Fox stripped of his surname

A group of foxes have started a parliamentary petition to have International Business Secretary Liam Fox stripped of his surname.

“We can’t stand it any longer,” one told us, while we ran along a high road in south London picking up discarded chicken bones from the gutter, “he’s an embarrassment. He’s neither sleek nor smart nor beautiful, when caught in a headlight like us. Have you ever seen him on the crest of a hill with the setting sun behind him and gone awww?

Although I guess he’ll end his days hunted into a hole in the ground. But that’s as close as the similarity gets.”

The fox went on to explain they actually conceived of the petition back when Liam Fox was fired as defence secretary for hiding that special friend behind curtains while on government business. Dishonesty is supposed to damn you, but it seems Liam was able to rise again.

“I was personally gobsmacked when he returned to the cabinet. But then Brexit, only the deluded and dumb want to be centerstage in Brexit.”

The petition has so far attracted nearly fifty thousand signatures.

“It’s not just foxes signing it,” the fox said, “humans are too. Which is nice. Normally they just chase us about so dogs can rip us to shreds. Or shout at us in the night when we’re screaming like demons and rutting underneath a bedroom window. So it gives me a bit of hope that your lot are throwing in with us on this topic. We’ll get this over one hundred thousand and get it debated in parliament. A group of owls have told me it’s a shoe in.”

But what surname should Doctor Fox have in place of fox?

“That’s not our problem,” he shrugged, “just not something from the animal kingdom. Pick something from your own world.”

You must have an idea?

“I’ll go for double glazed,” the fox suggested, “as that’s what I see when I look in his eyes. Or Liam Airmiles of course. Either one fits.”

 

Satan denies making a deal with Donald Trump

The immense fame, fortune and power of Donald Trump have given rise to much speculation over the years as to how and why it happened. Among the more popular theories is that he made a deal with the Devil, but this has now been debunked – by the Devil.

Speaking candidly at a press conference, he told the assembled reporters:

“Look, I know I have something of a bad press here in the world of men, but I’m not that bad. Even I wouldn’t go near Donald Trump. Just when you think humans have sunk as low as they can go, in comes another one who manages to lower the bar another impossible inch. He actually did approach me once, and offered me the souls of all his family – his wives, children, in-laws – I was shocked! And I’m the Devil, it takes a lot to shock me!”

So in other words, when he arrives in hell, it will be entirely through his own efforts.

“Him? In my infernal domain?” Satan looked genuinely repulsed at the prospect. “I don’t want him in Hell, lowering the tone! Apart from anything else, his tan is a fire hazard, and if there’s one thing Hell isn’t short of, it’s fires. I wouldn’t mind if the flames could be guaranteed to only affect him, but they’ll shoot out everywhere – it’s a health & safety risk to me and my demons.”

But surely this doesn’t mean that Trump will be going to Heaven – does it?

“Oh, don’t you worry on that score,” Satan replied, the terrifyingly confident smile back on his face.

“The thing you mortals don’t yet know is, there’s somewhere worse. About twenty years ago, one of my demons led a revolt against me. Gary his name was – good lad, very enthusiastic about his job, but not very bright.

Anyway, he tried to take over, and failed, miserably. I had to punish him, and it was around this time that God was trying to get tough – tough on sin, tough on the causes of sin, you know, and he created somewhere worse. So I offered him Gary and his followers to staff the place, everyone was a winner – God got his staff for Uber-Hell – or should that be Unter-Hell? – I got rid of my traitors, and even Gary got to be the leader of his own domain.”

So Trump will be going there then?

“Absolutely. Funnily enough, I was asking Gary just the other day what he had planned for him. And he’s already got it covered – a golf course that won’t give you a single break.

Holes that disappear, invisible dragons, sixty-foot bunkers, and so on. He actually tried the course out one day in Hell, I remember, with a particularly loathsome mortal called Thomas Quentin Crimp, who by rights should have gone with Gary, but I just couldn’t bear to part with my favourite whipping boy . . .”

So there you have it. There is officially a fate worse than Hell, and it’s in Donald Trump’s future. Hopefully not too distant. Although given how robust his health apparently is Gary may have a wait.