Gov under no pressure to publish impact assessment on lying and incompetence in public office

The government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland was breathing a heartfelt sigh of relief today after pressure eased to publish their impact assessment on dishonesty and incompetence in public office.

“There’s really no need to publish,” a red faced spokesman for Downing Street advised LCD, “it’s plain as day for everyone to see what the impact is, just look at the pound or universal credit.”

The significant saving in stationery costs added to the relief, as it frees up more paper in austere times for David Davis to practice his resignation letter excuses on.

“Also the prime minister. Boris Johnson. Damien Green. Liam Fox and others. It’s really good. People have taken to raiding the paper trays of the office printers, but now we can redistribute the paper we had set aside and let them get on with sentences that begin with, ‘it is with deep regret and a lovely pension that I…’”

And they will need to get drafting as the impact of their combined dishonesty and incompetence is currently enraging significant portions of the electorate and having a negative impact on people’s lives. And it’s not just issues relating to Brexit, pretty much every sector of life has been shafted by endemic incompetence which only serves tax havens. Have a look at the forensic service, just for something different.

“It’s not all bad though,” the spokesman reassured, “imagine if you always dreamed of working for a company on continental Europe, but you’ve been holding off out of fear of what your mum would say?

Now, if you’re one of the lucky millions in the next couple of years, when they tell you your job is moving to France or Germany or wherever, you might be able to go with, because Mum, it’s my job.

And then, once you’ve been resident in an EU member state for a few years you maybe able to apply for permanent residency and then citizenship and escape Brexitannia’s daily singing of the new national anthem to keep head of state Rupert happy.”

Westminster amateur theatrical effort “A Brexmas Carol” threatened with early close after poor reviews

LCD Views’ Amateur Theatrics correspondent has filed a review of “A Brexmas Carol” that is so scathing we hesitate to publish it.

“All the ghosts are bastards,” the review begins, “and the central character is played by an actor so drab and terrified it’s stunning she hasn’t felt the damning shepherd’s crook already to drag her off stage.”

Further criticism was levelled at the famous thespian Mr Davis for “failing to learn any of the lines required to elicit the emotional reaction to Tiny Tim the audience expects to feel. This critic actually witnessed the audience hiss and boo when he broke the wall and whispered in an aside to the audience that he had no idea what the play was about.”

There was similar heat for the blonde man chosen to be Christmas Future.

“While mildly entertained by Mr Johnson’s reviving of period insults, his instinct for accidentally damaging the stage set was a great distraction that made it seem unlikely the play could even reach the final act. He was spotted numerous times whispering conspiratorially with the ghost of Christmas Present in the wings. School boy behaviour that only made it harder for the wet rag playing Scrooge to concentrate and not fluff each line.”

The introduction of a new character was met with scorn too.

“A dour woman who looked like she would be happier drowning baby dinosaurs in a bucket. At one stage, as Scrooge was close to a revelation on the value of human kindness, this previously little known figure actually pulled the rug from under the feet of Scrooge.”

The production company funding Brexmas has issued a statement declaring it will go ahead, at least until Christmas, or 0% corporate tax rates, but it’s hard to see the ongoing feasibility of the production with audience numbers dwindling daily.

The afternoon matinees are virtually unattended now.

Other critics, for less widely circulated publications, have generally been as disappointed, with the exception of the Daily Mail, which has chosen to blame 48% of the audience for reacting poorly to the shoddy show, and the effect that appears to be having on the cast.

“A Brexmas Carol” will continue to run daily until further notice, but we expect when the curtain falls for the final time it will be abrupt and purchase of advance tickets is unwise.

British explorers canoeing up sh*t creek confirm they’re doing so without any paddles

A group of famous British explorers canoeing up shit creek have confirmed they’re doing so without any paddles.

“What use are paddles when the current is so strong?” one expedition member, “the bulldog”, asked LCD Views, “I know I told the others I had packed the paddles, but I lied, and now we’re in mid flow they can’t do anything about it, can they?”

This answer seems surprisingly acceptable to the outdated desktop computer chosen to be the party leader, on the basis of how simplistic the commands required to programme her are.

“Shit creek means shit creek,” the device, affectionately nicknamed “Maybot” replied when asked by our Technology correspondent exactly where she was supposed to be charting a course to.

Observers of the expedition have raised concerns though, that in consideration of the various risks and floating hazards certain to be encountered during the expedition, that paddles are the minimum required to steer past any blockages they may encounter.

“There’s no room for paddles!” A big, blonde boy, who is in one of the canoes because no one can work out how to throw him overboard, shouted, “the very aim of this bold, triumphant expedition is to prove that pesky rules and regulations requiring paddles and life jackets and safe moorings and water purification kits are just an unnecessary burden on the pocket books of the expeditions backers!”

“I’m not really sure they can survive shit creek without maps or ways to bat aside the turds. I think they’re all going to drown. Any rescue parties may drown too,” Our Bad Ideas specialist commented.

“I asked them, don’t you think you should at least beach up for a while until you have examined the way forward in excruciating detail? But no one replied. Their frantic bow waves are washing all sorts of horrible muck up onto the shorelines.”

The expedition leader did helpfully respond though,

“Up shit creek without a paddle means up shit creek without a paddle.”

Once Brexit occurs there will be no economy anymore so there is no need for impact assessments

The prime minister has moved this evening to shore up the position of her embattled Brexit secretary by clarifying that once they have successfully done Brexit the UK economy will cease to exist, so there is no need for impact assessments.

“Look, everyone knows David Davis is composed of equal parts piss and wind,” a surprisingly frank spokesman for Downing Street advised, “but that’s why he was chosen to be Brexit Secretary.”

They went on to illuminate that we’ll all be so busy trying to untangle the ever changing bluffs and excuses of Mr Davis that we won’t realise the clock has run out until the whole country falls off the famous cliff.

“Once we have successfully begun freefalling down to the glorious rocks of imperial nostalgia, in which Britain just bosses the world for their treasures, the economy will be finished. Thus, anytime spent on impact assessments would have been wasted.”

This makes Davis a visionary and an energy conservationist.

“We will easily be able to do any impact assessment after the impact and it will be a lot more accurate.”

As to whether or not the government has rigged select committees by loading them with useful idiots who will decide Davis is not in contempt of parliament because he couldn’t have delivered the assessments because he never ordered them made, is up to individual voters to decide.

“They should order an impact assessment on their chances of being re-elected after holding the entire country and its future in contempt,” LCD’s Democracy in Action correspondent suggested, before wondering how David Cameron is getting on these days in his fancy shed?

David Davis admits that the envelope upon which the Brexit impact statements were written was accidentally recycled

Davis’s admission is frightening on several counts. Back of an envelope, for such important documents? Davis can write? Who the hell still uses envelopes?

On the other hand, it is encouraging that the government is embracing recycling. After all, most of its policies are cast-offs from the USA. Even Brexit is an old idea. It dated back to the UK’s original entry into what is now the EU in the 1970s.

LCD’s Environmental Issues Correspondent reports that  scraps of paper have swelled the recycling bags in Westminster this month. In the main these have crude calculations written upon them and then crossed out.

Some of these items have been forensically analysed by LCD’s work experience student, Adam Upp. Upp, who takes his GCSE Maths next year, was able to confirm that the calculations were “a bit tricky” and that they were “doing my head in”.

Imagine the consternation at Brexit HQ, where all the experts have been carefully removed from their posts. If our expert struggled to make sense of the calculations, how would Davis himself cope? “They were not as straightforward as some people imagine,” be boasted. Presumably, he included himself in the category of ‘some people’.

Instead, the impact assessments will be produced “a little closer to the negotiating timetable”. That must be the negotiating timetable which has been progressing slowly over the last six months.

So, when can we expect to see the impact assessments? “I am really tight on time,” Davis snapped. “This is a difficult time. Besides, the Department has run out of envelopes, since we all use email these days.”

When pressed on what Brexit means to British business, Davis’s urbane facade finally slipped. “Brexit means Brexit means Brexit means Brexit. End of, so there,” he snarled. “Fingers crossed, no comebacks. Ner nerny ner ner, and your mum’s fat.”

Your correspondent offered Davis an old fag packet to replace the missing envelope. The offer was gratefully accepted.

May to call snap general election to increase Tory majority for negotiations with the DUP

There is a buzz inside the Westminster bubble this evening with news that ceremonial prime minister Theresa May is to call a snap general election in order to increase her negotiating strength with the DUP.

“She’s shrewd,” a BBC journalist who is said to know a lot about politics commented, “this will catch Arlene Foster and her handful of MPs completely off guard. The EU will be thrown into a tailspin too. We have to keep them off guard. Sooner or later they’ll just agree to whatever half baked nonsense the PM turns up with, just to make it all stop and go away.”

It’s believed the election will be held as soon as this coming Friday so that the Maybot will hold in her hand sufficient strength to force the DUP to agree to whatever last minute, make it up as you go idea May and her crack team of brains come up with next.

“It’s strategic genius of the quality we’ve come to expect from Downing Street,” the BBC journalist gushed, reading off a prepared script faxed over from the PM’s office, “to pretend the Brexiters know how to square the circle of the border issue while sticking to the red lines the deep thinkers behind Brexit demand. If only everyone would just trust everything will be alright we could get on with making up a success of Brexit.”

If all goes to plan the Conservatives will hold a minimum of a hundred seat majority by Saturday and it won’t matter how much money the DUP offer to pay back to the Tories to be in coalition again.

“Arlene won’t know which way to turn. Clearly extricating the Tories from being bossed by the DUP is the most important issue now for Britain’s future.”

People suggesting the DUP are doing to the Tories what the Tories are doing to the entire United Kingdom are asked to check their privilege at the door and align their priorities with Theresa May as she makes a success of DUPxit.

Woman who thinks she is British prime minister reminded she’s not by phone call from Northern Ireland

The woman who thinks she is the British prime minister was reminded she is not earlier today by a phone call from her boss in Northern Ireland.

The woman in question was due to announce a breakthrough in the stalled Brexit negotiations with the EU when she was stopped in her tracks by her mobile ringing.

The ringtone is reportedly ‘Ode to Joy’, chosen in a moment of ironic good humour on the weekend when she thought they’d finally scribbled down a way to keep everyone happy on the back of an envelope someone found rolled up and shoved into an empty fag packet.

“Arlene didn’t like what her junior intended to offer on the grounds it is ideologically impure,” an intern working at Downing Street told LCD, “so I think she got on the blower and told May no way, unless you can shake down the money tree for £2Bn Euros. It’s also possible that she is concerned, from her political standpoint, that an exception for Northern Ireland that puts the customs border in the Irish Sea does make a unified Ireland more likely.

But Arlene will probably be surprised to discover that Brexit itself is going to do that regardless because it’s a wrecking ball smashing into the UK and will break it into pieces.

It’s why Dave Cameron buggered off in gutless haste. So maybe, if you don’t want NI to leave the UK, stop supporting Brexit.”

While it is a little embarrassing for Ms May to have the rug pulled from under her feet at the last moment, it has most likely saved her from working out how to say she was prepared to cut a special deal for one region of the UK, on the very real grounds of risks to people being hurt, but every other region will have to carry on and be economically ruined.

No more so because of the possible disproportionate shift of investment and jobs to Northern Ireland to remain in the sanity of the single market and customs union.

“Arlene has saved her own region from a lot of potential employment by her insistence that where she lives must go over the cliff edge with the whole show.”

It’s not imagined what the solution will be now to progress Brexit negotiations to the stage where the much larger economic power of a bloc of nearly half a billion people with some massive economies becomes the first to offer the U.K. a take it or get stuffed trade deal.

“May will work out how to get through to the stage where it is really clear her agenda completely disempowers the UK internationally, and that taking back control means taking it from the UK and gives it to ten people in Northern Ireland temporarily before handing it lock, stock to anyone who cares to boss it.

It’ll just take a bit more time. But stick with her. She’s bound to have another bright idea any moment that will lead to another catch 22 in which the UK comes out looking like a bunch of headless chickens again. It what’s we do now.”

Don’t focus on me, says egocentric attention-seeker

Donald Trump’s award-winning idiocy has plumbed new depths. The neurotic narcissist has retweeted racist videos from Britain First. His insensitive response  to criticism has astonished even the most cynical Trump watchers.

One of Trump’s hallmarks is his egocentricity. Put simply: me, me, me. But “Don’t focus on me” is a U-turn that Theresa May herself would be proud of.

LCD’s Raving Nutjobs Correspondent spoke to psychologist Dr Meena Greatdeal to gain an insight into the President’s state of mind. “It’s typical attention-seeking,” said Dr Greatdeal. “Saying ‘Don’t focus on me’ still puts the focus on himself. I think that the President is unaware of how he comes across.”

Either that, or he doesn’t care? “Most likely he hasn’t spared a moment on self-analysis,” retorted Dr Greatdeal. “An intelligent person will reflect upon how their words are likely to be received. Trump has less filter than an untipped cigarette.”

An elementary principle of Physics states that Nature abhors a vacuum. In other words, something – anything – will fill an empty space. In the case of Winnie the Pooh, grey fluff occupied the space normally reserved for a brain. The void between Donald Trump’s ears appears to have been filled with viral racist claptrap.

This elementary reasoning goes a long way to explaining Trump’s recent behaviour. Poisonous rhetoric and rampant egomania are two of the necessary conditions to create a despot. Throw in a complete absence of a sense of humour and you have the full set. Trump is following in the hallowed footsteps of Genghis Khan, Jim Davidson, and Iain Duncan Smith.

“Focus on Radical Islamic Terrorism,” is Trump’s petulant advice to Theresa May. As the UK hurtles towards the Brexit cliff edge like a mentally deranged lemming on speed, May has bigger fish to fry.

Donald Trump initially sent his imbecilic tirade to the wrong Theresa May. Maybe there is also a bit of grey fluff in his head after all.

Johnson reassures that with friends like Trump he won’t rush to make us more enemies

Boris Johnson was under pressure today to reassure an anxious United Kingdom that with friends like Donald Trump he will personally do his best not to make the UK any new enemies.

The demand follows on from the latest tweets by the orange skinned argument for birth control who is currently running America on behalf of Russia.

“It’s entirely sensible not to sour relations with anyone beyond the EU27,” Mr Johnson was said to have replied, “I mean, after the twenty seven, aah, former friends across the channel, who are already anxious of how much flesh the rampaging British lion is going to do to their export markets once we leave the EU and can no longer afford to import prosecco, aah, it will be entirely insensible to cheese off anyone new, aaah, with our idiot, racist, dangerous demagogue friend Mr Trump retweeting racist hate speech posted originally by a community organisation famous for fabricating complete bollocks out of a frankly bizarre and disgusting desire to provoke a race war.”

Unfortunately the rest of the governing coalition at Westminster don’t seem so ready to follow the foreign secretary’s lead, while they will pay lip service to outrage.

Trump is still welcome to a state visit even though he is retweeting racist, Nazi garbage, because apparently he’s our friend.

LCD Views community health analyst had this to say,

“It makes you wonder how that old saying, you can judge a person by the company they keep, applies to the UK these days? We’re leaving a union of 27 largely progressive democracies busying enshrining human rights into law and aligning ourselves with a lazy, insecure hate filled man who’ll probably start WW3 just to find a new low to sink to.”

It doesn’t stack up well. We should think about the company we plan on keeping.

Donald Trump to stop messing about now and just begin tweeting Mein Kampf

DONALD’S STRUGGLE : President Donald Trump has moved this afternoon to pour oil on troubled waters after his retweeting of a certain ultra nationalist, racist, delusional British local community group’s fabricated posts caused some people to question whether or not Trump maybe a little bit racist?

“Let’s put minds to rest,” he said, speaking from a white bedsheets naming ceremony, “The fake news media are all is Donald a racist? Is Donald an unstable bigot who’s gonna get us all killed because he’s too narcissistic to let a fat kid in North Korea play with rockets so he’s got to go and tweet something shocking to get the attention back, well”

It went on like this for a considerable time until he offered the confirmation and reassurance of his position on race relations that was asked for.

“From now on, every morning when I’m on the toilet and I’m normally tweeting out whatever bullshit is going through my mind, I’m going to stop all that. That ends now.”

He stopped talking for a moment in order to set fire to a cross on a lawn before continuing,

“I’m going to save all the shock and questions and just start tweeting out Mein Kampf. Page one. Line one. Word one. Starting tomorrow. The author is a personal hero of mine and many of my bestest friends.”

He did add later however, to clarify, that as his struggle is with reading and writing he would be having one of his aides do the actual tweeting.

Asked to respond to the President’s statement an MP from HMG was reluctant to condemn the president, because he’s our friend.

LCD’s ‘How low will we allow ourselves to sink?’ correspondent will have more on this later, once he’s finished throwing up.