Southern Rail passengers turn to cannibalism in order to survive

Reports of passenger activity on Southern’s official Twitter account suggest passengers are turning to cannibalism in order to survive.

It appears the change in behaviour began late yesterday afternoon, during a record breaking delay in service which saw dozens of hungry and frustrated passengers stranded at Streatham Common station in southwest London for nearly an hour.

The tweets detailing the incident have since been removed, presumably by the train operator, but LCD Views has obtained transcripts from an untrustworthy source.

We took these to world famous anthropologist, Prof B. Leave-Me for analysis.

“It’s clear what happened,” the professor stated. “Let’s call my reply the ‘06:24 reply to LCD Views question regarding Southern rail passenger cannibalism’.”

As it was 06:24 and his answer was expected we agreed.

He then paused for an unexpected and lengthy delay. We had no choice but to wait.

“Just a minute,” Professor Leave-Me adjusted his glasses, squinted at the transcripts and appeared to go to sleep.

Inquiries as to why he had gone silent were unanswered. We had no choice but to wait.

Eventually the professor made the following statement:

“The 06:24 reply to LCD Views’ question regarding rail passenger cannibalism has been delayed.”

The professor then held up a hand drawn note with the time “06:38” written on it.

We settled in and began fiddling with our phone, seeking distraction in anything in order to pass the time. Ozzy Man Reviews got us through a few minutes. Followed by Jonathon Pie.

But given we were relying on the professor to make good his offer of assistance so we could continue to our next interview with a performance artist who combines eggs with faces in unexpected places, it was a nervous wait.

The professor began to snore.

Just as we were about to get up and leave his office he suddenly lurched out of his seat and made the following statement:

“The 06:24 reply to LCD Views’ question regarding Southern rail passenger cannibalism has been cancelled because of a shortage of brown sauce.”

Oh for f*ck’s sake.

Unstable Leaning Tower of Teesa set to be removed from Westminster college green

In a shock move to the booming tourist trade in central London Westminster has announced that an attraction only installed in July 2017 is to be removed from college green due to fears of immediate collapse.

The Leaning Tower of Teesa was designed and installed in a furious rush in the summer of 2016 in a symbolic move meant to reassure the public that even with fierceness, brave, astute leader Dave “bacon” Cameron having buggered off the political scene in a frenzied rush to get away from the fallout resulting from a little vote on something or other, we still had strong and stable government.

LCD Views spoke to one of the designers of the tower to hear more about conception, design, installation and now, what’s going wrong?

“We picked the wrong figurehead,” F. Arce advised, “although a few structural engineers did suggest at the time that the plans suggested the structure was top heavy, the internal design virtually absent, the material being used dodgy beyond belief and the spot chosen for the building spongy and prone to sinking steadily to the point of dangerous collapse. But we ignored all of them because they’re experts.”

Another contributing factor was apparently complete failure to convince anyone with the talent sufficient to work on the project to get involved.

“We’re going to have to pull it down and start again.” Arce added. “What to put in its place though? What a puzzle.”

It’s thought likely that question will be answered by the general public who may well advise restoring the reasonably healthy, sunlit lawn that was there before the tower started leaning dangerously and smothering all life around it in a roaming shadow, but it’s really up for grabs.

“We will have to consult on that. There’s lots of potential, in terms of who would like to re-lay the turf, but whether or not any of them survive the tsunami of shit that is presently crashing into the buildings near the green where they live will be key to the choice.”

Personally F. Arce would like to build an tower and put an eye of sauron up there, but there’s so many of them in major centres around the world presently, it’s felt that maybe too unoriginal.

What do you think?

Isle of Man says one man is an island

The Isle of Man has broken with tradition for islands today by declaring, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views’ geography correspondent, that one man can be an island.

“You hear it all the time, people talking to each other,” the self governing, crown dependency situated in the sea between England and Ireland said, “no man is an island. Well, I’m fed up with all that! I am a man and an island. All this talk about my famous tail less cats is nice, but what about mentioning my history and geography now and again?”

It’s long been rumoured, amongst keen observers, that the island does look like the belly of a fat man lying in the sea. Indeed, the International Isle of Man TT race is known to ride all over that belly annually.

“It’s been staring you all in the face for centuries,” the island added. “Even as Scotland and England fought over me for centuries. Go and read up about me on wikipedia. I’m really a very interesting fellow.”

So what does the Isle of Man hope to gain by speaking out at last?

“I’d like to see the cliche modified. I’m not an extremist. I’m not out to do away with idiomatic phrasing referring to my good person.

But from now on, when a person says to another, ‘I’m alright Jack’ and their friend replies ‘no man is an island’, well, I’d like the one trying to help to add the qualification, ‘except for the Isle of Man, clearly’.”

Easy enough then.

And for additional clarity we have received the following message from Jack,

“There wright. I’m okay.”

Woman apprehended sitting on dozens of barrels of scandal underneath Westminster

News is breaking across Westminster this morning that a woman has been arrested sat upon dozens of barrels of inflammatory scandal underneath Westminster Palace.

The woman, described as middle aged, grey haired, gaunt and wearing a chain around her neck that you could flog a rhino to death with, was taken into custody early this morning after security guards checked the dark cavities beneath the home of global democracy.

LCD Views sent a drone flying down to the scene because all of our reporters are sleeping off their Saturday night and no one would answer even their personal phone.

Editorial staff have transcribed the words of mainstream media correspondents reporting live from the scene.

“Just before dawn this morning alarm bells and cries clamoured in the catacombs underneath Westminster Palace as security guards sweeping for homeless people to eject startled an easily terrified woman in the shadows.”

Rumours already circulating suggest she had been spotted some days ago rolling heavy barrels leaking with inflammatory sleaze down into the dark spaces, but it was decided to watch and apprehend her with even redder hands.

“We all had to paint our hands red at the start of each shift, last few days,” Watchman G. Clooney told Sky News.

“Apparently we weren’t allowed to catch her in any fashion other than red handed.”

It’s believed they caught her in time too.

The contents of the barrels are yet to be exposed, but samples of the leakage suggest sex, lies and corruption on a scale rarely witnessed in a supposedly healthy and accountable democracy.

“One thing is certain,” G. Clooney illuminated. “So many of them have been at it for so long, by the time the various scandals in these barrels are exposed it’s going to reveal a ferocious orgy in which the one thing that’s been f*cked the hardest is our democracy.”

(Anyone finding a battered drone with masking tape holding the camera lens on is asked to return it to LCD Views via electronic mail, first class. Thank you.)

Fallon still waiting for women to come forward and say sexual harassment was acceptable 10yrs ago

Michael Fallon is reportedly still waiting today for masses of women to come forward and say light hearted sexual harassment, of the kind he apparently stood down as defense secretary over, was just fine ten years ago.

“Behaviour that was acceptable ten years ago like murder, fraud, theft of bicycles and jovial good natured sexual harassment of women who appear not to be able to give powerful, virile, sexually charged, irresistible, privileged men like me clear signals, like accepting we should be able to do whatever we want whenever we want with them, appears to have gone by the by in the modern climate of PC gone mad.”

The above line is imagined to have been in the initial draft of Mr Fallon’s resignation letter, but we don’t know for certain, it just seems fitting.

If it was, it must have been edited out for the more succinct suggestion that the way Mr Fallon apparently behaved with his female colleagues was accepted by all of them just a few years ago, but strangely not now.

LCD Views did a straw poll in our office to see how many hands went up in agreement with Mr Fallon amongst the men and women working here.

No one raised their hand in support.

One even went so far as to suggest understanding consent and the ability to respect the signals and statements made by other humans hasn’t actually changed since he was first subject to stirrings of desire decades ago.

To gain further insight into Mr Fallon we contacted the local paleontological society and spoke to an expert.

“Mr Fallon is perfectly correct to suggest that attitudes like his, as exposed by his resignation letter, wherein the man is unaware of his own sense of entitlement, even so far as to suggest it was once acceptable for him to behave in the way that has lead to his disgrace, were accepted in a past epoch. Unfortunately for him, we’d have to go back to about the Jurassic.”

Nevertheless, it is rumoured a Twitter campaign has been launched to find women to speak out in support of Mr Fallon’s concept of acceptable behaviour towards women a short decade ago, but so far only Donald Trump has endorsed it.

Man does zipper up without catching knob

A man is celebrating after successfully zipping up his trousers for the second day running.

“It’s magnificent. Almost as good as seeing that pod of dolphins playing with the pack of killer whales off the island of Skye on our honeymoon,” enthused Rooster Cogburn, 38, Southampton.

The interview was conducted in the living room of the Cogburn’s tastefully decorated four bedroom house.

“It’s an incredibly stressful part of my daily routine. I never know how things will end.”

Although allowed to dress himself for over thirty years now, Mr Cogburn has suffered more than the occasional setback when pulling on his trousers. A situation that has worsened, not improved, with the passing of years.

“It first became a problem when I started going out on the lash with my mates in my late teens. You know, you’ve had seven pints, you’ve gone to the use the bathroom in the pub and you have to try really hard to remember to zip up. But remembering is only half the challenge.”

It seems the challenge of achieving that feat without injury is what alerted Cogburn to how potentially dangerous just getting dressed properly as an adult can be.

“It’s ended in blood, just a bit, once or twice.”

LCD Views noticed Rooster’s wife sitting on a chair on the other side of their living room, looking at him like he was a complete and utter tool. We decided to talk to her.

“He’s asks me to help him with his fly most mornings. When I’m rushing to get ready for work myself.”

Jasmine Cogburn shakes her head.

“Come on now,” Rooster interjects. “If I get, you know, caught, it can take ages to get up the courage to rip the zipper back down again. And you have to go fast, there’s no pussyfooting about. It’s like ripping off a plaster.”

“You think I’m so gullible.”

We enquired next what Rooster hoped to achieve tomorrow when getting dressed.

“I’ve a work do first thing. If I sleep in and I’m running late…It’s going to be really fraught. I’m for a hat trick of not getting my knob caught in my zipper. But I’m feeling 50/50 on my chances.”

You can do it Rooster. LCD Views believe in you. You can get the hat trick.

“I married him for his ambition and sense of independence,” Jasmine comments, but we don’t believe her.

Government hires additional 8,000 porters to cart about ministerial Brexit denial

The government is in danger of fresh accusations of ill judged use of public funds today after the revelation in LCD Views (we got it first!) that they have hired an additional eight thousand civil servants to cart about all the denial being created by people working on Brexit.

“It’s a health and safety issue really,” a spokes-droid for DExEU commented.

“You’ve got an ageing man like Mr Davis racing about here and there, he can’t be expected to personally carry the ever increasing burden of denial of the impact of Brexit on every vital sector of the UK’s economy and culture.

He’s going to pop a disc. Or at least strain something, a hamstring or whatever you call that tricky bugger down at your heel? The Trojanstring? Achilles! Achilles heel!”

The additional staff will begin work almost immediately after a short orientation course.

“All new staff have to wear blindfolds. It can take a bit of adjusting to. People tend to walk into walls a lot when they begin working for DExEU. But you soon get numb to the impact bruising.

Once they’ve got the hang of pretending everything is fine and ignoring the complete and absolute lack of any sensible guiding strategy, they’ll find carrying the bags of idiocy and denial Davis creates daily simple.”

Other measures under consideration by the government to speed up work on Brexit are the possibility of changing all the instructive door labels in the relevant government departments.

“You know when you see a “push” label on a door and you just stand there for ten minutes pulling at the door!” the spokes-droid added. “It’s really quite funny watching any minister working on Brexit trying to enter a building.”

It’s felt that by swapping the door labels to the reverse it will increase workflow through the entry to the building and may just subconsciously give them ideas about stopping this bullshit altogether.

ATOS declare Brexit fit for work

The government was claiming a victory tonight as its most cherished employee, Brexit, was declared fit for work by ATOS, in spite of being clearly close to breathing its last.

Concerns had been raised that Brexit, existing on disability payments disguised as funding the scale of which could pretty much save the NHS, clear student debt and renationalise the bloody railways, once it plays out; that Brexit was only pretending to be incredibly ill.

Incapable of achieving partially any task assigned to it.

Massively wasting public resources when it should be out making a success of itself.

And being a terrible advertisement for British workers, and most definitely a productivity drain of an outstanding scale.

So ATOS decided to give it the treatment.

LCD Views understands Brexit was texted and informed it needed to get off its lazy, taxpayer sponging backside and down to its local office 87 miles away for a surprise assessment to determine whether or not it should continue to be a recipient of huge taxpayer funding for no discernible gain, or sent back out to work under the threat of being given even more public funding. An unusual bit of reverse psychology described as a one off.

“It’s a massive win,” David Davis crowed.

“ATOS has evaluated Brexit and in spite of finding it confused, incoherent, and seemingly on its last legs, it was passed fit for work and told to go out there and make a success of itself.”

Brexit was unavailable for comment on the decision. Although we understand from a source close to it that it finds this article almost as incoherent as it finds itself.

This is not surprising, given it’s a hard right ideological coup funded by tax dodging offshore billionaires which cynically prayed on the nostalgia and irrational fears of enough of the population who couldn’t tell the difference between a plate of shit and a chicken sandwich because they read the Daily Mail and it has yet to say anything that could honestly be declared sense.

JSA recipients to work as NHS nurses until they’re retrained as post Brexit fruit pickers

The department for working (maybe there’ll be pensions years away) announced today it was working on a three way project with the health secretary Jeremy Hunt, and Micky “wonder kid” Gove, to kill two birds with one stone.

“From the 1st December 2017 all recipients of JSA will have to work as nurses in order to get their generous government allowance, which will be paid quarterly, to better reflect the world of dividends the people dreaming up policies like this live in.”

Essentially, the spokesman went on to elaborate, it’s to prepare today’s lazy, benefit scrounging layabouts to be the millionaires of tomorrow.

“It will also solve the perplexing problem of a sudden crash in EU born workers for both nursing and the agricultural sector.”

LCD Views believes this is excellent planning and a great response to what appears to be a looming crisis in both the NHS and the soft fruit growing business.

“People from the EU really are showing themselves to be fair weather friends. No one has said they are going to have to wear a badge that labels them a second class citizen, it’s just the changing reality. British born people are worth more than any others, something it does to remind the arrogant people across the channel of from time to time.”

Campaigners working to protect the NHS have voiced concerns that many of the JSA recipients marched into wards may not be qualified for the work and put patients’ lives at risk, but the government has responded by criticising them for talking yet another nation building initiative down.

Farm advocacy groups are also alarmed, having not been consulted either.

“We just needed their votes to stage our ideological coup,” a government minister replied off the record.

“Liam and Boris are sorting out such a good FTA with the USA it’s likely there won’t be any need for farms once we fully realise the possibilities presented by Brexit. And you can rest assured any of the ‘special nurses’ will be excellent at taking blood, I’m going to train them myself.”

Rescue team attempt to save Liam Fox from end of Southend pier

The Department for Blowing Cash Pretending We’re Going to Have International Trade (post Brexit) released an urgent press release this afternoon advising people stay clear of a Southend pier until Liam Fox has been rescued.

“Members of the public are advised to give a wide berth to Southend pier this afternoon until international trade supremo Doctor Liam Fox has been rescued by a specially trained squad who have been waiting for just this moment.”

It seems the drama began when Boris Johnson texted Liam Fox early this morning.

LCD Views has a transcript of the message to hand:

“Liam you foxy foxy devil. Get down to Southend and wait at the end of the pier old foxy devil you.

Have laid the lawn for you to agree first FTA with that new republic that declared itself the other day over on the continent.

We can get in first and boss it!

Put a kipper in your tank and try not to choke on the fumes!

Dispatching HMS Global Britain to pick you up!

A friend of yours will be on board the ship! Topple bibble bobble what what! B. J.”

It’s unclear at this stage if the text was a joke or meant in earnest, but either way it appears Liam was a little dim and raced to the pier in his best Saville Row suit, empty briefcase clutched for show, only to find hours later the promised mighty vessel of international trade had not appeared.

Ignoring the request of the press release we dispatched a reporter to cover the action by the water.

“Liam is visibly distressed. Not so much it seems by the failure of the HMS Global Britain to materialise out of the early morning fog, but finding himself at the end of the pier it appears he has no idea how to get back to dry land.”

“I’m going to starve out here!” Dr Fox is now screaming, “I can’t work out how to get back to dry land. Help me! I’m a doctor! People need me!”

Judging by the reluctance, clear in the body language of the rescue squad, to walk to the end of the pier and lead Liam back by the hand, it seems not everyone is so sure we can’t get along without his best efforts…