Brexit priest to release 58 impact statements into the fires of Mount Agung on Bali

News is breaking this lunch time that Secretary of State David Davis MP (how?) is to release the 58 Brexit impact statements tomorrow into the fires of Mount Agung in Bali.

“We’ve been hoping and praying the earth would open up in all its fiery passions,” an aide to Davis told LCD Views Force Majeure specialist, “this is wonderful. The eruption of the volcano in Bali demonstrates as clearly as a slogan from the prime minister that the ancient god Vulcan backs Brexit.”

It’s believed Mr Davis is already flying first class in an RAF passenger jumbo normally reserved for Prince Andrew’s personal jollies.

“Apparently once he arrives on Bali Mr Davis is to change into a traditional Mayan priest costume and be lowered over the volcano where he will wait for an upsurge of magma before sacrificing the impact statements to the god of fire.”

While certainly an entirely satisfactory way for the government to acquiesce to the will of parliament and the Speaker’s order, the choice of Bali has set the cat among the pigeons of hard Brexiters in cabinet.

“A bloody foreign volcano. A bloody foreign outfit and a bloody foreign god!” one senior Brexit minister fumed to LCD on the basis of anonymity.

“They should be sacrificed in a bloody British volcano, preferably on the border between North and that other bit of Ireland!”

The ceremony is not going to be filmed, as it is believed they would taint the sanctity of the ritual, but we are sure all will go perfectly.

“Davis has half planned the event, well, was almost personally involved in the conceptual of the ceremony, what could possibly go wrong? It’s not like it’s a bloody human sacrifice we’re performing. They don’t start until 2019.”

Good luck high priest Davis. Come back safely. But don’t rush.

New Ministry of Bollocks established to help make a success of government

LCD Views can announce this morning on behalf of the new Ministry of Bollocks that the government has created a new Ministry of Bollocks.

The primary function of the new ministry will be to produce all bollocks for all ministries of government.

“This will avoid any accusations of dodgy dealings with dubious external think tanks operating as fronts for people who really only have the United Kingdom’s best interests at heart,” K. Hoey MP, Secretary of State for Bollocks advised LCD.

It’s believed the industrial strategy outlined today is the first major work of Hoey’s department, although she is generously allowing others to take the credit.

“Of course our primary function will be Brexit and producing catch phrases to convince the voters that they all support it. But, we will be lending a hand in all areas of government.”

But critics have attacked the government for waste of valuable resources at a time of strain for the public purse.

“It’s a fair criticism to level,” LCD’s own Bollocks correspondent said, “Try and think of one area of public life in which the government is involved directly in that isn’t currently described as being in a crisis? Everything is in a crisis. From defence to forensics to apprenticeships to the NHS and on.”

It’s a fair critique of the current crop deciding the fate of the country.

“They would do better to rationalise resources and merge all ministries into one gigantic Ministry of Bollocks.”

It’s thought Hoey is sympathetic to that, but would resist any move due to the fierce competition that would occur as senior government figures engaged in a struggle to displace her.

“It’s nice that they’ve gifted the job to UKIP’s only Westminster MP though. Kate must be feeling very proud. A new industrial strategy that pretends nothing negative will come from Brexit is a really exceptional work of bollocks.”

Christmas 2017 in doubt after Santa Claus fails to apply for visa in time

Parents are being advised to manage the expectations of their children today after news broke that famous Laplander, Santa Claus, has failed to apply in time for a visa.

“Even if he did and he crosses the border, it’s likely he will be detained until he proves he has a right to enter the United Kingdom,” an official for the Home Office advised LCD Views.

As anecdotal stories start to circulate of most likely illegal actions targeting EU nationals, it is probably just as well Santa is being forced to dodge a potential billet.

“Oh, we wouldn’t shoot him. Brexit is a front for fascists, but we’re only doing fascism light at the moment and arbitrarily locking up EU nationals at great personal cost, to them, till they prove they have the right to be here. The hard stuff comes from 2019.”

It’s believed this humane new directive is being done as a light touch way of convincing EU nationals they really will be happier staying across the channel with their youth, energy, education and often capital.

“Santa should have lodged his visa entry application form in January to have had any hope of gaining permission in time for Christmas 2017. Please be sure to explain properly to your children it was his fault and not our new policy of creeping xenophobia resulting from Brexiters gaining control throughout government.”

Hopefully an English Santa can be sourced locally and taught to fly a magic sleigh powered by flying reindeer in time for Christmas.

“Don’t go giving people false hope now. Although I have heard a digital Santa will be ready in time for Christmas 2018, maybe.”

Liam Fox to take a cold bath after admitting “we can not solve the North Ireland border problem”

Liam Fox  is to seek professional help immediately after accidentally admitting they have no solution to the border problem in Ireland.

Speaking to one of the Sunday morning waffle offerings, the minister concerned was asked about one of the more serious vexations of the Brexit problem.

“We can not solve the Northern Ireland border problem,” he replied, before going pale and adding more words that were so loosely related to reality no credible journalist will repeat them.

“Why aren’t you just asking me about the money we will pay the EU for a free and expansive future trading relationship leading to a deep and meaningful relationship going forward as we leave Europe and flail about like idiots in the middle of the Atlantic waiting for disaster capitalists to profiteer us into the deep?”

Why indeed.

A key part of making a success of Brexit is the media focusing as one eyed as possible on a hypothetical amount of money that May’s government probably has no intention of paying but focus on it as it feeds the bias they seek to further against the EU.

“We can’t use that classic tyrant’s trick of building up a fictional external enemy if commentators unhelpfully focus on real and deadly serious issues like endangering the Northern Ireland peace process with our own actions in order to make men like Nigel Farage, and their puppet masters, happy.”

The consequences of Brexit are so real and so serious and so potentially damaging to so many lives, especially in Northern Ireland and the Republic, that it would be best if everyone doesn’t talk about it until it’s too late and Brexit is unstoppable.

“We would ask everyone just to remember they won, it’s the will of the people, even if we totally screw up the good Friday agreement.”

English people are especially asked to consider how many lives they are prepared to damage charging headfirst with this shambolic and completely heroic act of wishful thinking and imperial nostalgia without sufficient care and any planning.

Anyone who knows what Theresa May and Arlene Foster are saying to one another is asked to add the dialogue in the comments.

Someone must know where the magic wand is that avoids a hard border while also dragging Northern Ireland out of the EU. Oh hang on, Owen Patterson apparently has it.

Please begin to wave it even faster expert Owen so we can see it till it dazzles.

Global Britain to solve Brexit problems by transportation of Brexiters to all disobedient colonies

LCD Views has been officially chosen to announce the new and bold initiative to solve all remaining minor Brexit negotiation difficulties by transporting Brexiters to all disobedient colonies.

“It’s the obvious step forward,” DExEU brainstormer D Twoplanks explained,

“Australia is getting above its station? Simple. We will send a million Brexiters from the counties there and they will assume places in their parliament.”

This strategy is certain to be successful, so successful it will be cut and pasted across the map.

“Ireland? They’re next. To be honest each time someone brings up the border problem we usually change the subject to how we are going to offer a bung to the EU to settle matters and how we’re not going to pay in the end because our support is based on largely angry baby boomers who have never bothered to learn about our actual relationship with the EU. We’re not about to disabuse them now when there’s 0% corporate tax rates for the grasping.”

Argentina and the Falklands and WTO complications will be solved by,

“Expansion of the existing Welsh colony in Argentina with Welsh Brexiters.”

The potential flare up with Spain and the problems it may cause over “the rock”?

“Not a problem. We’ve a twin strategy. We’re going to project films showing the failure of the Spanish Armada onto the rock on the side that faces Spain, so they know what’s in store if they get spicy. We will also transport a million far left supporters of Catalonian independence into Catalonia so they can continue to take an enthusiastic and uninformed view there and ferment trouble.”

Why not just export remainers as clearly no Brexiter thinks the cost of regaining something we’ve never lost can be too high?

“Are you mad? Who’s going to do the work of rebuilding Britain if we export all the brains and talent overseas?”

UK’s post-Brexit trade deal with Australia dependent upon Ashes result

The UK intends to split quotas of food imports with the EU after Brexit. The current favourable deal will have to be renegotiated. Australia’s trade minister Bruce Pombasher is unimpressed. He says, no deal unless the Aussies triumph in the Ashes.

LCD spoke to Pombasher in the Test Match Special commentary box over an improbable amount of cake.

“Yeah, it’s a bloody disgrace,” he opined while munching Battenberg. “It’s gonna wreak havoc over the next three years. There’s no pace, and precious little spin. England haven’t helped themselves by dropping catches all over the shop. They look horribly underprepared.”

Pombasher referred to the close of England’s innings in the first year of the match. “The last wicket was a close call,” he said. “Pretty much 50-50. Well, it went to review and was given out. The strange thing was the Barmy Army. They were shouting ‘Out! Out! Out!’ and started to celebrate.”

“I just don’t get it,” says Pombasher, through a mouthful of black forest gateau. “Normally you Poms are rubbish, but at least try to win a bit. You guys have given us catching practice, and celebrated with us. You can’t trade with people with that attitude. What’s your game?”

It seems like England actually want to lose the Ashes. Barmy Army representative Johnny Bullock took a moment out from constructing a beer snake to talk to us. “We’re all out, and that’s what really matters,” he says, adding another plastic pint glass to the snake. “I’ve always said that it is vital that we get out as soon as possible. Beer snake means beer snake.”

The Aussies have piled on the runs, but the England camp is still bullockish. “They need us more than we need them,” said England coach Oswald “Ozzie” Boycott. “So, in the end, they will capitulate, and we will take the Ashes home as usual. Stick that in your deep mid-wicket and smoke it.”

Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust. There’s many a slip ‘twixt wicket-keeper and gully. Deal or no deal? It’s just not cricket.

Vince Cable unnerved by rumour Corbyn will morph into Gandalf and fight Brexit

LCD Views has a deep level spy planted in a coffee shop only half a mile from Libdem HQ and it reports back today that Vince is unnerved over rumours in the Gruniad this week that Corbyn is intending to go Gandalf on Brexit.

“It’s hardly fair, Vince has been a white wizard about Brexit since before the referendum, and now this 7/10 chap expects to put on a grey smock, grab the first big stick he finds in his garden and steal Vince’s thunder!”

We can see why Vince is perturbed.

Although this article is entirely speculative and our chief political analyst actually anticipates the solid Liberal Democrats would go, well, it’s about bloody time! And just satisfy themselves with some gentle reminders they never shifted from pro-EU to some waffle like ‘workers’ Brexit’ in the first place.

“It’s easier for us of course as no one outside of London votes for us, but still, we have been on that damn narrow stone pass the whole time.”

It’s uncertain still if Corbyn is going to go noble wizard and defend every weaker soul in the kingdom against the ravaging giant demon of Brexit, or if Polly just had a brain explosion (understandably) after watching the last PMQ’s?

“He’ll make a fine Gandalf,” Peter Jackson is reported to have chimed in from New Zealand,

“I’ll even cast him as Gandalf in the next Star Wars prequel if he actually pivots against the demon from the black depths that is currently devouring the soul of the United Kingdom and threatening to send Britain tumbling into the abyss.”

Neither Cable nor Corbs were available for comment, but it is nice to find a way to tie their names together in a bit of speculation.

Tory think tank charged with winning over under 35’s rules out “stop lying to U35’s” at first meeting

LCD Views’ Political Fools correspondent has been leaked a memo of the inaugural gathering of the Conservative Party think tank charged with winning under 35 year old voters back from that sneaky old pied piper.

“Stop lying to them? Which bally fool wrote that down?” Bradley Benn apparently called out to the only other under thirty five year old in the room, before crossing it right out.

“Right. Young people are daft. We need gimmicks. You know, shiny beads for the natives sort of stuff.”

The suggestions came thick, very thick and fast then.

“Bit of sleight of hand on stamp duty? Lovely. A rail pass we haven’t worked out how to implement yet that will be useless to anyone with a job and normal working hours? That’s going right in.”

A further suggestion, actually build houses to balance out supply and demand, rather than just talking about building houses, was modified to,

“Let’s talk about building some houses.”

It’s believed longer term this won’t be a problem as most under 35’s will have upped sticks and moved across the channel to stay in the twenty first century.

There was silence in the room till one joker said,

“Tell them to try rebirthing and get better parents this time?”

This was changed to, it’s all my own hard work and you can inherit my connections and wealth if you just find a Norman ancestor too.

Some lark is reported to have suggested, not actually do Brexit, but he was laughed out of the room by a high spirited blonde boy dressed as Rupert Murdoch.

”Means test rights to fertility?” Bang on!

Good luck with it Tories!

I’m sure intentionally stripping away all the liberties enjoyed by EU membership will be a total charm.

Two honest hard working public figures constantly checking Expedia for best “political asylum” deals

LCD Views can report this morning that the spike in Expedia searches for “best location to go into political asylum?” is rumoured to be the result of internet use by two hardworking public officials and their friends.

“It’s not the actions of Russian bots,” LCD’s Sunny Climes analyst advises, “this is definitely the action of real people conducting real searches.”

The analyst can tell this because the searches appear to be conducted at two key moments.

Firstly, when people are usually on the toilet with a smartphone and secondly, any time any media organisation runs a story linking the public figures more closely to a certain high earning, well known character actor from Russia who likes to donate time and energy to the exotic causes he believes in.

“The big problem seems to be each time they search for a hotel somewhere in the Russian Federation the result says rooms are either ‘unavailable’ or ‘fully booked’.”

It’s believed the Ecuadorean embassy was traditionally a good place for such short breaks, only one holidaymaker booked in for a weekend years ago and is yet to check out.

“I hear they’ve also been madly checking out the best priced Russian language lessons and making dozens of profiles on dating sites popular with hot, young blonde Russian women who desire ‘virile, manly, Western man with lots of opportunities who may or may not work on a zero hours contract for the Kremlin.”

Inquiries as to why they are so far unable to reserve a room in Moscow or Sochi or somewhere like that, just met with gales of laughter.

“You keep your useful idiots close, but only an amateur keeps them that close.”

Unicorn appears in man’s allotment to explain workers’ Brexit will also suck

A unicorn has appeared in the allotment of a north London man to explain that a ‘workers’ Brexit’ will also suck.

“I keep turning up,” the unicorn explained to LCD Views’ reality correspondent, “he normally can’t see me, so I stand in his line of sight and say what I’ve got to say, before I go back to my magic realm.”

The unicorn is feeling hopeful though that her words are finally penetrating the barrier between her kingdom of sunny uplands and the allotment in north London.

“I need to correct you there,” the unicorn interjects, “I don’t live in a kingdom. Please don’t print that I do. Unicorns believe in organising society as an anarcho-syndicalist commune, well, not organising as such, but we take it in turns to act as an executive, on a weekly and rotating basis, but all decisions of the executive need to be ratified at daily meetings. We don’t get much done. I’ll stop borrowing heavily now from that wonderful script and get on with it.”

Whatever the complications of the unicorn’s own realm she is determined to intervene in ours.

“People are always chasing us but we’re often close to hand. You never catch us because we’ve seen what some of you do to rhinos, so it’s easy to see why we keep well ahead.”

But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to help?

“Look, let’s cut to the chase. Worker’s Brexit will suck as hard as the other ones because it’s the twenty first century where you exist.

This means you’ll be out on your own and ripped to shreds by the international poachers of disaster capitalism and the other big beasts. USA. China. Russia. And others.

Everyone has been pushed about by you in their history and it’s deep in cultural memory.

Stay where you are and work to improve where you are. It’s a fundamental principle of happiness. People blow relationships all the time because they take their partner for granted and end up alone holding a bucket of poo and having to rebuild.

No point having a worker’s Brexit if no one has any bloody work, because you did Brexit, is there?”

The unicorn asked another question before fading from view,

“The Black Death in your 14th century began the process of giving workers rights because their rulers could no longer control their mobility as completely, because there was too much demand for their services elsewhere.

How will ending freedom of movement across twenty eight countries improve condition for workers?”