LCD Views

Great news for backers of parliamentary sovereignty today with the announcement that the House of Lords is to officially replace Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour Party as the official opposition in the House of Commons, after a successful pilot scheme focused on fundamental human and worker’s rights.

“We weren’t sure how the pilot would go,” Lord Such and Such told LCD Views, “we were a bit worried the old Maybot might attempt to skew the result by creating one thousand new peers.

Or that too many of the Lords would nap.

But it seems old Maybot was so busy staring at her pot plant, wondering why it was withering when she watered it personally, that she forgot to get her list of party donors out in time and ring round to see who wanted a peerage.

Oh, and it seems where their grandkids welfare is concerned, the old Lords are surprisingly alert. Probably something to do with Christmas.”

Under the changes the Lords will sit on the green opposition benches in the Commons and face Theresa May, or whoever is Conservative Party leader next week after the customs union vote this Thursday, and give her the sort of welly she’s been missing.

“You wait until Adonis cracks the whip,” Lord Such and Such said, “although we’ll probably give the job of leader in the lower house to Heseltine as that will be the biggest wind up.

No one saw this coming. Thatcher era Tory party politicians being demonstrably more concerned with the long term welfare of the man and woman on the street than this current, caring Conservative mob.”

Asked for comment to the changes, expected to be performed initially with the Queen watching in her EU hat, and later unsupervised, the Labour Party replied,

“The people had a vote, it’s not our job to protect fundamental worker’s rights in the commons. Anyway, we’ve a small meeting to attend at a town hall somewhere. Stoking the revolution. Wait until Brexit has you all broken and eating out of bins and then see if you don’t join the revolution.”

Responding for the government Amber Rudd replied,

“Who doesn’t trust us to preserve basic rights after we’ve thrown off all those irritating rights enshrined in EU laws and treaties? There’s nothing in our record in government that says we don’t really genuinely value all people.

Our hard right paymasters are also going to be pretty cheesed if the Lords don’t just read out letters from individual constituents week after week but actually attack us on all the massive holes in our armour.

If they take up Cambridge Analytica we’re totally stuffed, it potentially goes right to the top of government.

Good thing Jezza is a Brexiter and not that much interested in discovering how deep the complete and utter corruption of our electoral system has gone.

What if the Lords start demanding under parliamentary privilege that we get to the bottom of where Bank’s massive money injection came from in 2015?

The mind boggles at the threat of having an official opposition not playing some dumb “long game”, but actually tearing us to shreds as they could. Some pundits say we’d fall in a week.”

The lords were also asked to make further comment but they were too busy leaping.

Britain’s most principled politician, Saint Jeremy of Islington North, is to promise to make Brexit Day a national holiday, so he can finally get a poll lead on the worst prime minister anyone can remember.

“It’s a puzzle it is,” an aide to Saint Jeremy said to LCD Views, before rushing off to report this page to Facebook for undermining the leader, “we have the worst government anyone can remember for a long time.

It’s demonstrably cruel, it’s institutionally racist, it’s dedicated itself to economic calamity to further enrich a tiny minority of the people, i.e. Brexit, which equals Nigel Farage and his values, in case your global readership has forgotten, and Theresa May is polling better than Saint Jeremy?”

It’s a bit of a puzzle, we agree. I would have thought the centre, the left and right of it, the swing vote would have swung tectonically to Labour by now, just for sanity, just for hope? I suspect you guys would just crush the Tories if you stood against the Brexit lies rather than trying to fudge it and appeal to all sides. There is a mountain of votes up for grabs.

The polling for the smaller parties not changing much isn’t an indication that fighting Brexit won’t gain you mass support, it’s because Brexit is so huge an issue that voters are looking to one of the major parties to deal with it. The ones with the power to make an immediate difference.

“You’ve just bored me with all those words. Can I continue where I was?”

Please do.

“We potentially have the worst prime minister ever and we can’t get a poll lead on the government?

I mean, what the, there should really be a public inquiry, because we just can’t puzzle it out.

Well, we can blame the public of course. That’s one of our key psychological survival tools. Denigrate and blame anyone who dares to question any of Saint Jeremy’s policies. I learnt that from arguing with kippers online. It’s why I’m supporting Jeremy’s support of Brexit, which is UKIP.

Most of my day is spent sending messages to anyone who raises a query about Saint Jeremy by calling them a ‘centrist, yellow tory, blairite who is propping up this cruel government and you are directly responsible for what the tories do because you undermine the leader by not supporting his job’s first Brexit’.

Well, less polite than that.

I have to make it quick because I need to get my comrades to send the same message and retweet ‘blairite scum’ at them for day after day, until they’re all finally muted.

Even though that class traitor probably didn’t vote for Blair. Facts don’t matter. We’re doing populism now too. Populism and insults. It worked a treat for UKIP. It’ll get those class traitors sufficiently shamed to vote for us.”

So it’s thought that by pandering to Leave voters more and promoting a policy certain to be popular with them will help Labour finally crack. We mean, finally crack the riddle of the polls?

“It’s a no fail strategy. If we promise to make Brexit Day, the 29th of March, a public holiday, who won’t vote for us? I mean, who doesn’t want a day off?”

Jobs first Brexit policy is certainly going to enable the Tories to give potentially hundreds of thousands many days off.

“Why’s that?”

Because they’ll be searching for a job to replace the job that went first with a jobs first Brexit policy.

“Are you undermining the leader?”

NO. I’m calling for him to act like a friggin’ opposition leader and resist the racism fuelled, rights stripping neoliberal economic, asset stripping shitshow that is Brexit.

“Yellow Tory Blairite Class Traitor.”

Explain to me how Brexit is going to enable Labour to enact all those much needed policies to address social inequality and protect and regenerate all those areas of the country that are suffering and then insult me again.

“You just have to have to faith in Saint Jeremy.”

That’s not an answer.

“It’s not our fault or Saint Jeremy’s if you don’t vote for us. It’s because you don’t care about people.”

Thank you for coming. Good luck solving the riddle of the polls. I’ll give you a hint. It’s because Saint Jeremy is a Brexiter and that’s no choice because Brexit will govern all.

“Yellow tory. Getting ready for your re-tweets. You’re enabling the Tory Brexit.”

There is only Brexit. Anyone that tells you otherwise is being economical with the truth.

“See, we won’t overspend in that area!”

Or any other, if you continue to support Brexit and don’t fight for the good of everyone against the proven lies of the Brexiters.

“Immigrants are undermining the workers.”

I’m going now. Thank you for coming. Enjoy your attempt at populism.

 

The government has offered much needed clarity this morning about their guiding philosophy.

”Break first and repair later,” Irritated Duncan Table MP told a fawning and entirely imaginary Andrew Marr on his soon to be discontinued morning chat show. Discontinued because what really is the point Andrew? These days?

When Mr Marr responded,

”Oh you are just the epitome of the noble English ideal of a wise and well governing gentleman. I remember, when I was misunderstanding Churchill…”

This happened for a while and then,

”But why break what isn’t really broken? Why not just look to improve and repair where needed?”

Irritated Table Smith reached forward and touched Mr Marr reassuring on the knee and replied.

”It’s the very essence of disaster capitalism,” he replied, “you need to break systems that are well proven to function in order to cause their price to plummet.”

Mr Marr enquired, with a doff of the cap, “why?”

”So you can make an absolute killing without producing anything. Once you’ve purchased the undervalued asset due to the preparatory work to trash its cost, you stabilise it, returning it to profitability and funnel all the profits to Panama, or the tax haven of your choice. That’s if you haven’t just broken it to it’s component parts and sold them on of course.”

Mr Marr nodded approvingly and sang a short song of love to show how comfortably feathered and lazy he, Robinson, Humphrys, Neil (with aberrant, occasional bursts of enquiry when he recalls what his job is) are these days. In fact the other old chaps of what was once British journalism came out for the encore.

”Ah, so that’s the Brexit strategy too? Break entire country for the profit of a few? And luckily parliament is full of just enough useful idiots to squeeze things through. Well, for the time being.”

A home office memo leaked to LCD Views regarding proposed policy changes forcing honesty in politics reveals the changes were abandoned after ministers were warned most would be kicked out of office.

”The memo dates from just after David Cameron’s caring conservatives were unleashed to govern alone in 2015,” crack investigative reporter Rosie reveals, “due to the promise to hold an in/out referendim on whether or not to completely destroy the United Kingdom, it was apparent that lying through the teeth was going to be vital for many sitting MPs to survive the ref campaign.”

As such any changes to rules governing the behaviour of elected representatives and holding them more fully accountable when they bullshit the public like there’s no tomorrow we’re seen as an existential threat.

”We’ve seen the wisdom of accepting the advice of civil servants that most MPs would be stuffed if they made the changes and how much foresight was involved in not changing a damn thing.”

Happily the freedom to rig select committees in the government’s favour by way of obscure legislative instruments means they’re safe in that way too.

”David Davis would have been out on his ear the day he took office. Boris would have been forcibly ejected from parliament at his maiden speech. Theresa May? Christ. She also would lose her job day in and day out.”

But what have Labour to say about the revelations.

”Jobs first Brexit. Blaming migrant workers for eroding living conditions of leave supporters. Calling for article 50 to be triggered the day after the referendum. Whipping MPs in support of Theresa May at most crunch points so far in the Brexit process. They’ve a fair bit to say.”

But not all of those are lies.

”No. Some are just grossly incompetent.”

So we’re stuck with lying ministers in government till 2022?

”Not necessarily. The people can remember democracy functions best when elected politicians are held to account for their actions.

We can all change this system before it’s too late if we get serious. If enough voters demand it.

Preferably before people start digging up undeclared caches of arms in Northern Ireland. Not that I’m saying there are any. You know, hypotheticals and all that. Brexiters.

They’ll get people killed. Don’t let them get away with it.”