Leave voter suddenly recalls ref only advisory after learning Brexit will increase non-white immigration

LCD Views has seen a tweet tonight from a previously staunch Brexit supporter, Brexitius Brexitus, who wants everyone to remember the EU referendum was only advisory.

“eU REF not legal bind,” Brexitus thought to remind the United Kingdom, “hope democratically elected EU parsleymint doesn’t forget it.”

It seems the sudden total recall of a vital facet of the referendum held in 2016 and taken by Britain’s ruling coalition as word of God to decide the country’s fate forever, regardless of mild indications that it’s a bad idea, has been brought about by accidentally reading a newspaper not owned by a tax avoiding offshore billionaire.

“They want too swamp hour roads with there extra people,” Brexitius followed his first reminder, “they want to send postcards from OUR NHS. In…,,,extra change for Dr Fox’s radio shows!!!!?!”

The tweet was not greeted warmly by the account holder’s followers at first, but after a crayon meme was posted that explained how former COLONIES may expect easier visa entry requirements for Britain taking their money, the initial tweet was soon one of the highest trending posts by Brexitius of all time.

“UKIP have convened an emergency meeting,” LCD’s Nationalism ends in murder correspondent commented, “it’s believed this surprise potential of Brexit had not occurred to any of the largely ageing members. So too a majority of Leave supporters in the Conservatives. Nigel Farage is believed to be cutting short a date with a much younger European woman right now to attend.”

It’s believed fear of an extra non-white person gaining access to their town by virtue of a future non-EU free trade deal is potentially an unsolvable problem.

“If the traitor in Downing Street can’t guarantee we will only be kicking people out after 2019 and building British robots to pay for our pensions and wipe our butts in our long sunsets of old age, well, she’s liable to lose a lot of support to remain MPs.”

It’s not certain how much damage this revelation will do to the already waning support for Brexit, but for those that voted out for racist reasons it sure is a pretty pickle, one which their political opponents are liable to enjoy watching them stew in.

Government expert explains words have lost all meaning during BBC interview

A government expert took time out of his busy schedule of working out how to knife everyone around him in the back to explain to a confused country that words no longer have any meaning.

“Words. They’re finished. I can assure you that even now, the words I’m using, they mean nothing,” Mr Gove, Minister for pretending to care about animals and things, told a sympathetic interviewer.

“It used to be in the past that the meaning of words would evolve over time, but the meaning at any one point be somewhat fixed by reference to context.”

No more. Done and dusted it seems. Post fact and all that.

“Just listen to all the word spin I’ve produced this morning to try and get us out of having to actually admit we plan to most likely not protect animals that well, but we don’t want to tell you until after Brexit and use Henry VIII powers to do it.”

But he saved his best line of nonsense to use as ammunition against social media, which has caused him some distress in recent days.

“Social media spreading misinterpretations about the EU is excellent. That’s social media at its best and makes my puppet master very pleased. Some say we actually used social media to spread misinformation expertly in the referendum campaign and pretty much every other waking minute of the day when pursuing policy.”

But it seems if the grape vine is working against Michael’s interests it should probably be cut up and composted.

“Look into my eyes and listen. Words have no meaning. At least, not until I want to lie to you again.”

And you can trust Michael Gove as he’s an expert.

Famous author of fiction under suspicion of violations animal welfare act 2006

LCD Views can report today that a world famous author of fiction is under suspicion for violations of the animal welfare act 2006.

Under the act it is an offence to cause unnecessary suffering to animals.

It’s believed the author, Mr Davis, has locked one thousand chimpanzees in a basement with one thousand typewriters and ordered them to write a work of fiction he accepted a commission of but is yet to write, even though the date for submission has passed.

“The advance he has been paid is eye watering,” LCD’s Political Fiction specialist advises, “millions and millions of pounds and there’s nothing to show for it. The publishing house has staked its reputation, indeed its future, on the publication of ‘The Brexit Impact Assessments’. He has to come up with the goods or they’re stuffed.”

It’s not clear what the plot of the story is, but the premise is believed to be a moral tale of what happens when you let a bunch of useless idiots, acting as fronts for disaster capitalists, run your country.

“I guess we should be a little sympathetic. He took the job on thinking he could just steal other people’s ideas and adapt them and present than as his own, something he is rumoured to have done in the past, then bluster and bully his way around the media circuit until everyone gets fed up and buys a copy of his book to make him go away.”

But it seems he wasn’t able to do that this time, even if, and it’s just if, he has built his career that way so far.

“He’s going to end up in the dock. We all know under the 2006 act you can cause necessary suffering to an animal, but locking them in a room and saying they can’t come out until they’ve written a horror story like ‘Brexit Impact Assessments’, all fifty eight chapters?

No human could do survive that, let alone a monkey with a typewriter.”

EU unfair over 2023 claim people threatening to turn UK into country of EU deportation before 2023

The EU is facing stiff and valid criticism from people across the political spectrum with unbiased opinions after its decision to disallow UK cities to compete to be the EU capital of culture in 2023.

“It just shows how vicious and spiteful the EU really is,” claimed a blowhard knuckle dragger who is allowed a radio talk show because it’s good for ratings and let’s everyone hear the national barometer of hate each day.

“Just because our wise and generous government in Westminster is refusing to say what class of second class citizens EU nationals will be from March 2019, there’s absolutely no reason to disallow good patriotic British cities to compete to be the European capital of culture in 2023.”

A fair rebuke to the unelected technocrats in undemocratic Brussels who will be beholden to every single national parliament in twenty seven different countries and their regions before agreeing whatever trade deal Downing Street plucks out of a hat to satisfy offshore tax haven lovers, while trying its damndest to avoid a meaningful vote in the U.K. parliament.

LCD Views agrees with the angst of the cities that were bidding to gain the crown, but sees them as hostages to a fortune decreed from Downing Street and ill intentioned foreign actors.

“And let me make this absolutely clear, even, even if the UK is pursuing an agenda symbolised by a man full of hate standing in front of a billboard that mirrored Nazi propaganda on the day Jo Cox was butchered in the street by a far right terrorist, it’s completely unreasonable to not let a U.K. city compete.”

The little matter that our own prime minister is using EU nationals as bargaining chips and is routinely hinting at their deportation wouldn’t have anything to do with the decision either…

Next Doctor Dolittle regeneration to be Michael Gove

Michael Gove is to go on a PR tour de force today, dressed as Doctor Dolittle, to convince the great British public that they can trust the Conservatives with the animals, even though they’re famous for hurting certain animals.

Gove is thought to be the best choice because he’s the most trustworthy man in cabinet.

The push back is a response to the misinterpretation of the government’s actions in parliament when they rejected an amendment to the GREAT REPEAL BILL, no wait, the EU Withdrawal Bill, that would have enshrined recognition of animal sentience in U.K. law, after Brexit.

“Unless we decide to change it with Henry VIII powers after Brexit of course,” a spokesman for the governing coalition at Westminster told LCD Views.

“You can trust us with the animals. Why couldn’t you trust us with the animals? You don’t look like a badger or a fox or a live export or a puppy farmer to me.”

The desire to bring back hunting with dogs and the mountain of dead badgers argue maybe people can’t trust you with the animals?

Although of course, public opinion is split 52%/48% on whether or not science should be listened to when deciding policy.

“Pish. Michael Gove is regenerating as we speak as the next Doctor Dolittle and he will be on the airwaves in his best liquid form, settling over the country all day to make the animals feel secure.”

To further the government’s credibility on this cruelly misunderstood matter Mr Gove will attempt to feed squirrels in St James park at midday. There are also plans to leave him outside Battersea Cats and Dogs home for the night.

“There is absolutely no chance we won’t protect animal sentience after Brexit,” the spokesman added, “even though we rejected that greenies amendment, misspoke about a 2006 act of Parliament to correct the misinterpretation and are now just making promises on future actions. Caroline’s admenmemt didn’t give the animals the protection we want.”

Presumably you want bugger all?

It maybe unfair to mistrust they will protect the animals after Brexit, as there’s bugger all chance of them still being in government.

Owls petition for new collective noun after seeing what’s happening in parliament

A parliament of owls have launched a petition today for English speaking humans to come up with a new collective noun for them after seeing what’s happening in our own parliament.

“We were shocked,” Reginald, barn owl,16, told LCD’s Animals feel fear correspondent. “A few of us decided to fly past your houses of commons earlier in the week and stop by to see how you do things. We were knocked off our perch by the goings on in that old, shiny house.”

It’s seems the wise old birds had their curiosity sparked after hearing that the collective of our brightest and best felt in, their human wisdom, that animals don’t possess sentience.

“Look, we normally believe it’s best to keep out of the way of people, as best we can, excepting a bit of good natured exchange of labour for food, clearing out vermin etc, but this recent decision has our feathers properly ruffled. Have none of you seen crows making tools?”

It’s believed the owls main concern is the sheer illogical nonsense of parliament’s rejection of animals awareness of fear and joy, and their suspicion it’s only being done to pave the way, post Brexit, to massive inhuman farms being constructed by multi-national corporations who will not care for anything but excess profit.

“You need to pick a new name for us and be smart about it. You had been making so much progress in recent years and that has gone into reverse.

Parliament has always seemed a compliment, but now? We’d have to be daft to stick with it. Much like your Brexit, we think your acting like lemmings.”

Professional player reveals he’s already donated his brain to science

Exciting news this afternoon for lovers of medical science with the revelation that a professional player has already donated his brain to science.

“I want to be an example for other people,” Mr David stated, standing before a gathering of startled reporters.

“So many people seem to believe that you need a functioning brain and awareness of longer term consequence to achieve personal success in life. I am here to tell you today that is incorrect.”

It seems Mr David donated his brain to science decades ago.

“I was upset because so many people told me I was brainless,” He explained, “So I thought I’d prove to them that you don’t need a head full of facts and research just to have an impact.”

It seems he is correct.

It also seems the only blowback that has occurred from his open hearted gesture has been a result of the x-ray that was taken on the day he had the lot scooped out and put in a jar for study.

“My brain looks like minced meat,” he sighed, “Well, doesn’t yours? It’s not nice. A clown at the laboratory where my brain went leaked the x-ray image to the press and ever since then people have said ‘he’s as thick as mince’. It hurts my feelings. It wounds me almost as much as what we intend to do to animals after Brexit is going to hurt them.”

It has been suggested that it maybe better if he got a brain, again?

“There you go, thinking you know best just because you read a book once.”

Mr David had to leave shortly after because he needed to prepare for his next big match, which is coming up shortly.

“The preparation is intense,” he added as he made to leave the stage of the press briefing, “you know some public officials can be very picky about you spending other people’s money. Most of my time is actually spent arguing with bean counters. I tell them, they need to get out more and get some fresh air. Fill their head with creative and imaginative thoughts.”

He then fell off the stage, but without a brain, it didn’t hurt anything but his pride, and he’s got enough of that to shield him against even the worst blows.

“You lot should donate your brains too!” he urged, “It would make my job a damn sight easier. It does make it hard to change your mind though, if you haven’t any brains.”

Community group failing to organise piss up in a brewery suspected of wanting all the beer for themselves

LCD can reveal today that a local community group is increasingly under suspicion for failing to organise a well publicised piss up in a nearby brewery, just so the organisers can drink all the beer themselves.

“It’s obvious to me,” Mr Conned Citizan told LCD Views, “You simply can’t be as bad at organising something as that mob are unless you want the party not to happen in the first place.”

So does Mr Citizan expect the event to be called off?

“We’ve all bought a ticket, whether or not we wanted to,” he replied, “The local council agreed to part fund the piss up with our council tax, which many of us protested against, but they argued it’s in the interest of the entire community to come and get blathered, fall out with each other, fight, get arrested, appear in court, get discharged on a community order and call in relationship counsellors to force us all to make up after. So we all got a ticket.”

The organising committee itself said they are “straining every sinew, putting every tiger in every tank, and we are confident that the piss up will happen at the brewery on the advertised date and everyone will have a fantastic time.”

But Mr Citizan isn’t buying it.

“You know they’ve already asked the council for another sub? And the council has handed the money over. I only just found out that the guy who does the finances at the local authority is the cousin of one of the organisers of the piss up. It’s blatant corruption.”

There does seem to be reasonable grounds for suspicion. LCD Views have studied the charter of the community organisation responsible for the event and found that every single rule in the charter ends with the statement, “we get a free bar and we get to decide who drinks at said free bar”.

For balance, we spoke to a local figure, who was initially reluctant to support the event on the grounds of being a lifelong teetoller, but who seems recently to have had a charge of heart.

“I want the piss up to go ahead,” Mr Temperance stated, “I want them all to make themselves violently ill on as much beer as they can manage, vomit all over the shop, and swear off drink for life. It’s the only way they’ll come around to my way of seeing things.”

The organising committee are nonplussed, recently commenting,

“There is absolutely no way any invitations to the piss up won’t be honoured on the day and we have absolutely no intention of turning the event into a lock-in session for ourselves to get as pissed as we like while the rest of the community stands locked outside parched.”

Well, if you can’t trust their word, what can you trust? Bottoms up!

Brexit Dad furious after discovering charity cricket match was for economic migrants

LCD Views community relations correspondent reports the alarming news this morning that Brexit Dad is locked in his shed and refusing to talk to anyone after bowling 350 million no balls in a charity cricket match.

“It’s terrible for him, the poor love,” Mrs Narage told LCD, “he was really looking forward to last night’s match to celebrate the start of the Ashes.”

Mrs Narage went on to explain that Brexit Dad, or Figel as he’s known locally, had started practising several minutes before the match began and believed he was in form.

“He actually got the first ball on the pitch,” Mrs Narage said, “but then he realised the charity the match was in aid of was for economic migrants and he just lost all his rhythm.”

Didn’t he check before deciding to take part in the match who it was for?

“He didn’t. Silly Figel. He’s so big hearted. When one of the younger chaps down at the Saint George asked him to bowl for charity he just signed right up. He’s livid. He feels totally hoodwinked.”

Apparently Figel is not the only person feeling let down by the event.

“He said he could bowl. That he was a faster bowler than Boycott,” match organiser Mr Prog Ressive explained, “he’s rubbish. I know he’s getting on and he’s not, well, not in the best shape, but I believed him when he said he could manage one over. Six balls. For charity.”

One over comprising three hundred and fifty million no balls must go in Guinness Book of World Records, surely?

“He ordered me to strike all details of his involvement out of the record. He says he would never have agreed to support the fleecing of the great British taxpayer in aid of economic migrants who should stay home and fight. Or some rot like that. We were raising money for refugee children!”

As to when Mrs Narage expects Figel to come out of his shed?

“He could stay in there all day. I suspect he’s rearranging some WW2 memorabilia he bought off EBay. He does like to give the cap badges a good polish. Little skulls they are.”

Let’s hope he recovers quickly. We understand he needs to help set up the local church nativity play set later.

“He won’t let the church down. He’s a good Christian. The milk of human kindness flows from my Figel.”

Conservative Crackers product recall urged as every single one contains nuts

The Conservative Party is facing embarrassing calls today from health campaigners who are calling for a recall of celebratory Conservative Crackers on the grounds that every single one contains nuts.

“It’s not true,” a sales rep who works for both Rupert Murdoch and Con HQ responded, “Anna Soubry, Ken Clarke, Dominic Grieve and some others are surprisingly non-nutty.”

The rep went on to say that they actually want to recall the non-nutty Conservative biscuits and re-issue them with nuts inside.

It’s easy to see why they are resistant too.

The Crackers, which were initially packaged in purple and yellow bags, have sold surprisingly well in areas of the country, so much so that the party has already redesigned the packaging to be the standard Tory wrappings.

“The recipe is an old Conservative family favourite anyway. Of course, we trialled it as a supposedly unrelated product, but that was more stalking horse than biscuit.”

But health campaigners are adamant that over consumption of the crackers can lead to a variety of symptoms, not just declining fiscal forecasts.

Consumers are also at risk of symptoms such as,

Impotent fury. Verbal diarrhoea. Nationalistic tendencies that harm international reputation. Being left out of popular clubs. And loss of jobs in a trickle to become a flow across the channel.

“I tried one once,” one of the campaigners confessed, off the record, “but it was so hard I broke a crown.”

LCD Views understands that opinion is less coherent inside the party as to what to do about the recall, with some serious handbags at dawn occurring, but the party is doing their best to conceal the indigestion.

Asked for comment a spokesman for the Workers Party replied,

“You should try our biscuits instead. They still contain the major ingredient nowadays, brexit oats, but they’re flavoured with unicorn meal.”

Whatever happened to good, old fashioned digestives? That’s what we’d like to know.