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Policy change requiring honest politics canned after ministers warned most would be kicked out of office

A home office memo leaked to LCD Views regarding proposed policy changes forcing honesty in politics reveals the changes were abandoned after ministers were warned most would be kicked out of office.

”The memo dates from just after David Cameron’s caring conservatives were unleashed to govern alone in 2015,” crack investigative reporter Rosie reveals, “due to the promise to hold an in/out referendim on whether or not to completely destroy the United Kingdom, it was apparent that lying through the teeth was going to be vital for many sitting MPs to survive the ref campaign.”

As such any changes to rules governing the behaviour of elected representatives and holding them more fully accountable when they bullshit the public like there’s no tomorrow we’re seen as an existential threat.

”We’ve seen the wisdom of accepting the advice of civil servants that most MPs would be stuffed if they made the changes and how much foresight was involved in not changing a damn thing.”

Happily the freedom to rig select committees in the government’s favour by way of obscure legislative instruments means they’re safe in that way too.

”David Davis would have been out on his ear the day he took office. Boris would have been forcibly ejected from parliament at his maiden speech. Theresa May? Christ. She also would lose her job day in and day out.”

But what have Labour to say about the revelations.

”Jobs first Brexit. Blaming migrant workers for eroding living conditions of leave supporters. Calling for article 50 to be triggered the day after the referendum. Whipping MPs in support of Theresa May at most crunch points so far in the Brexit process. They’ve a fair bit to say.”

But not all of those are lies.

”No. Some are just grossly incompetent.”

So we’re stuck with lying ministers in government till 2022?

”Not necessarily. The people can remember democracy functions best when elected politicians are held to account for their actions.

We can all change this system before it’s too late if we get serious. If enough voters demand it.

Preferably before people start digging up undeclared caches of arms in Northern Ireland. Not that I’m saying there are any. You know, hypotheticals and all that. Brexiters.

They’ll get people killed. Don’t let them get away with it.”

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Nigel Farage to burn his children’s German passports in solidarity with the millions he’s disenfranchised

Radio shock jock Nigel Farage has announced he is to burn his children’s German passports, in solidarity with the many millions of young people he’s helped to disenfranchise with Brexit.

”Let’s get one thing clear from the outset,” Mr Farage told LCD Views, by way of an interpreter so his hate speech was comprehensible, “I won’t have anyone accusing me of hypocrisy.

It was just an accident, the series of relationships I’ve had with European women resulting in my own progeny having a significant advantage in contrast to the incredible disadvantage I’m working to place millions of pure British born youngsters at relative to their peers a few miles across some water.”

But critics have queried whether or not Mr Farage has the right to reduce the possibilities open to his children in this way?

”My entire career has been about an attempt to reduce people’s rights,” he hit back, “I’m not going to stop now. I want my own children to be equal with all British children after Brexit.”

The ceremony, which will be conducted on a barge on the river Danube, at the point where the Roman Empire built a bridge back in the day, is expected to take place just as soon as Mr Farage has agreed a commercial sponsorship deal with the BBC to ensure full in-depth coverage for a solid week.

”It’s a watertight arrangement,” Mr Farage said, “even if a comet smashes into Dorset the BBC will stay focused on me returning even more sovereignty to hard working British taxpayers by reducing the options and possibilities of my own progeny.”

When questioned about whether or not he would attempt to replace the passports with new ones immediately after, Mr Farage was straightforward.

”There won’t be any need,” he said, “I’ll be burning replica ones for the symbolic value.”

But doesn’t that make a mockery of the entire spectacle?

”Yes and it’s in keeping with the work I’ve done to adjust international perception of our great United Kingdom. If I burnt the real ones it maybe seen as a criminal act. I wouldn’t want to endanger my EU pension now, how would that help anyone?”

Tickets will be available to purchase ahead of the event.

”British youngsters should take the opportunity to purchase tickets and travel to watch me set fire to the symbols of inequality on the Danube ,” Mr Farage urged, “if they don’t they may miss one of their last opportunities to experience freedom of movement on the continent they live on.”

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EU tells U.K. no Irish border is better than a bad Irish border

The magical thinkers expertly arranging a coherent departure, which protects everyones’ interests, from the European Union [author means May and co, apparently] for the united United Kingdom were dealt an unfair and entirely rational blow today when the European Union’s chief negotiator told them “No Irish border is better than a bad Irish border.”

“It’s not on,” said a piece of shit newspaper/tabloid red top wannabe posh rag rent a gob commentator pretending to be an objective communicator on matters of importance, but really serving vested interests in the neocon fascist spectrum.

“The EU has betrayed all Britons by not treating the Irish Border issue with the same casually dismissive, nostalgically imperialist, gammon faced, hambungling arrogant, back of fag packet effort as Downing Street.”

The reason for the outrage over the assault on magic is the rejection by the EU’s negotiators of all the half assed, wishful solutions put forward by Downing Street to avoid a hard border between the North of Ireland and the Republic of Ireland, post Brexit. Which threatens Downing Street with having to stick to the agreement about a backstop solution of NI remaining in the EU CU after Brexit.

They clearly can’t keep their word on that because two things will happen,

    Firstly, Foster will lose her mind.
    Secondly, any exception granted to NI out of economic and civil sanity will be demanded by the rest of the UK and thus, there endth the Brexit. Which we overwhelmingly still want as a cuntry, clearly.

“The Irish will buckle under and get in line,” the op ed zombie went on to explain, “they know the benefits of British exceptionalism when it orders them to do something.

My best advice to Downing Street is to double down on the divide and conquer strategy that’s been serving the UK so well.

Obviously the division and conquering has been of a personal nature and limited to the borders of the UK lately, but it’ll overspill into the EU if we just create enough unnecessary division and ill feeling. To turn back now would be sane. We don’t do sane anymore.”

Asked for comment about the total rejection of all of Downing Street’s stupid suggestions, a representative of the Taoiseach attempted to say something straight faced about “shoe being on the other foot” but instead just fell around laughing until we gave up and went to print.

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Woman should be excused for massive work cock ups as she’s no idea what she’s doing

A woman who is currently under a bit of pressure at work is to be excused of responsibility for a series of massive cock ups as she never knows what’s really going on where she works.

“It’s not her fault,” an aide to the woman told LCD Views, “she’s been promoted beyond her competency. Anyone can see that.

It actually occurred a promotion or two ago.

I blame her old manager. Blase. Disinterested in detail. He thought just because she’s a control freak she’ll do a lot of the heavy lifting for him.

We’ve all had managers like old Dave. Total prat. Breezes through life thanks to privilege. Lives in a villa overseas now. Easy life. No responsibility for the mess he left. That’s democracy for you.”

So it seems, you see, having an inherently suspicious and controlling nature, while it makes for a power hungry idiot convinced of their own righteousness, is no guarantee of ability?

”Oh, she’s plenty of ability all right. Well, relative to the old hippy that’s her main rival in the old business of politics.

He’s a bit of a gift.

Week after week she leaves an open goal for him to steal her plum clients and he kicks the ball into his own net.

And that’s inspite of packing it full defensively. He’s great at guarding a small deal with minor sales, can’t see the big prize though. Total national domination of the market if only he’d offer a genuinely different product.”

So what’s to be done with the individuals in question and the endless cock ups?

”Time and events I expect. And a hell of a lot of excuses. You can’t blame them. They took the wrong fork in the road long ago and never turned back. Early retirement, just like the old pig shagger.”

But shouldn’t they be relieved of their responsibilities before they do more harm?

”In a word, if you like, at the end of the day, yes. As fast as bloody possible. To be honest.”

How to do it?

”A vote of no confidence.”

When?

”As soon as possible. Get it done and ask questions after.”

 

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Brexit dividend revealed to be whole world believing UK a bunch of incompetent and racist twats

LCD Views can report today after an exhaustive global survey that the Brexit dividend has been revealed to be the whole world believing the United Kingdom is now a bunch of incompetent and racist twats.

“It’s really going to help old Liam ‘airmiles’ Fox nail down those free trade deals with tiny countries,” Doctor Liam Fox said, referring to himself in the third person, “you don’t mind if I talk about Liam as if he’s someone else do you? I’m trying to put some distance between Liam and myself for when the crap hits the old fan. It’s a big fan!”

Please do. Why don’t you catch a flight and really put miles between you and Doctor Liam Fox?

“Liam would love that! The only thing he likes more than taxpayer funded business class plane tickets for zero public gain is checking behind curtains for friends!”

Now, back to the Brexit dividend?

“Well, it was really there in the EU referendum campaign. The country voting by an overwhelming mandate of sod all percent in an advisory referendum, which had no super majority because a, people weren’t supposed to be so thick as to vote for it and b, parliament was expected to act like a representative parliament even after it, the people backing Nigel Farage’s ‘Breaking Point’ billboard gave everyone the heads up.

Then the government goes “Brexit means Brexit!”. And the whole world knew what Brexit meant…but May had to say that because old Corbs, that sly dog, had already stolen a march on her by calling for article 50 to be invoked the moment the referendum result was announced! In spite of all the racism sticking to Brexit. Pretty amazing work even for a man whose understanding of Europe is stuck back when Jacob Rees-mogg was being fitted for his first monocle.”

And I under recent events have only served to underline the perception of the UK now, as revealed by our survey?

“Yep. The Windrush scandal. What a shot between the eyes for compassionate conservatism that is. On top of all the other policies we’ve brought in which have made for a hostile environment for not just immigrants, but the sick and the disabled and the unemployed. And don’t forget, the same immigration nightmare is facing other communities too. It really could be our legacy.”

Well all this will only make your work easier.

“Liam is really chuffed. He’s out and about going ‘Global Britain’ and ‘Empire 2.0’ at everyone, give us your cash and keep your people, we don’t want them unless they went to kindergarten with Theresa. This immigration scandal will just help everyone remember that a lot of the time was spent shooting their ancestors and taking their goodies. If we’re to do all that again we really do need to fill up some slums with unemployed men with rickets that we can put into red coats and cardboard boots.”

You’re well on the way to achieving that with your slow and certain destruction of the NHS.

“Liam is a winner. And Liam’s friends are winners. We’re really nice people, just a little dim.”

We know Liam and the longer we have a government committed to Brexit and an official opposition leader committed to Brexit, the more the world knows it too. Thank you for your time.

“Liam wants a lollipop. Liam helped get are country back.”

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Archaeologists uncover ancient celtic stone plinth containing Brexit prophecy

Archaeologists from the Museum of South London are to hold a press conference later this afternoon to detail the fascinating finds uncovered during digs ahead of the planned construction of the controversial Croydon bypass.

Initial reports from the site state that the team from the museum conducting the dig have found a two thousand year old celtic stone plinth containing a Brexit prophecy.

LCD Views are known for our special features on archaeological politics and we were invited to a sneak preview of the plinth, before it goes on display in an open air exhibition on Figges March later this evening.

“Thank you for coming,” dig leader Professor D Igg said.

Our pleasure. You got lucky with the weather.

“We certainly did,” the professor replied, “would you like a Pimms? Or are you more of a real ale type?”

I’ll have what you’re having.

“I’m having shots of tequila,” the professor poured out some shots, “would you mind cutting up the lemon and finding the salt? It’s in that cooler I think, next to my trowel.”

My pleasure. So tell me about this prophecy?

“We’ve been working on the site of the Croydon bypass for three years. We actually found the plinth on the 23rd of June 2016. That in itself seemed portentous.”

And what does it say?

“Curiously it’s written in latin. Although as the ancient celtic tribes of pre-Roman England didn’t have a written language, more a language of symbols and some really wacky abstraction, it is not surprising to see them adopt a continental language when prophesying the future.”

But what does it say?

“Can you cut the lemon into quarters? We’re not going to get far with halves.”

Sorry.

“The language is surprisingly straight forward. What was surprising is the reference to contemporary people on a two thousand year old slab of granite.”

But what does it say?

“Remember it’s lick, sip, suck!”

The plinth tells you how to do tequila like it’s 1999?

“Now you’re just being silly,” the professor tutted, “no, it refers to John Humphrys and Michael Gove.”

And…

“Shots before or after I tell you what it says?”

I think after and then we can have another shot?

“Let’s do it.”

Aahhhhh. Wow. I haven’t had one of those in a while.

“Quite the pick me up.”

But what does it say about Humphrys and Gove?

“It’s very concise. It says when the statue of Michael Gove in John Humphrys’ garden falls then Brexit will end. Only it calls it Brexitus, but that’s just the latin word for Brexit.”

Wow. Is there a statue of Michael Gove in John Humphrys’ garden?

“That’s what we hope to find out. There’s certainly an altar for worshipping Brexiters in the radio 4 Today programme studio, so I suspect there is a statue of Gove in the old warhorse’s back yard.”

He’s probably burying it right now to hide the evidence of bias.

“Don’t worry. We’ll dig it up. Another shot?”

Yes please. Make it a double.

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Downing Street to roll out vans telling remainers to “piss off and live in the EU if you love it so much”

Downing Street is to get back ground it’s been losing to the Windrush scandal and today’s money laundering nightmare, oh and the nearing to collapse of most public services, by rolling out vans telling remainers to “piss off and live in the EU if you love it so much”.

“It’s standard PR work to shore up our base,” Mr F Arce told LCD Views, “especially with the local elections coming up in a couple of weeks in large metropolitan areas. If we don’t remind people just how bigoted a government we are, how unwilling to compromise and discuss differences, then they might get the wrong idea and vote UKIP again.”

It’s believed the move is a timely one, as there is just the faint whiff of a lack of legitimacy building around an administration that seems to turn everything it touches into first grade cow manure.

“We are caring conservatives,” Mr F Arce explained, “we just only care about ourselves and our rich donors. People should remember God put the hoi polloi on earth to be milked till the grave for the benefit of a small number of ‘elite’.”

But surely the use of vans is a bit contentious given all the coverage currently being given to the ‘hostile environment’ policies of former Home Office minister Theresa May?

“We need to get the message across quickly that anyone who relies on facts is a danger to this government,” Mr F Arce explained, “and a danger to the identity politics of anyone so stupid they still support Brexit.”

Mr F Arce we wish you luck.

“Thank you. But just to be clear, the decision to roll out these vans now was taken by the next Labour government. We’re only putting it into action now because we calculate if we target a much less vulnerable group now everyone will think we’ve learned Labour’s lesson for their mistake in the future now.”

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10 Downing Street renamed ‘the city of the dead’ to honour all the skeletons tumbling out of the Tory closet

Great news today for fans of rebranding exercises with the announcement that 10 Downing Street has been renamed ‘the city of the dead’ to honour all the skeletons now tumbling out of the Tory closet.

“It was actually my idea before they dumped me out of the back of a van on the M4 last year,” N Timothy Twat told LCD Views, “pretty much everything the government does is my idea. It’s why it’s all genius.”

In order to help people better understand the change the 10 Downing Street gift shop is to start selling postcards with desert and stone themes for less than the alleged price of a brown paper bag containing a bribe to avoid being investigated by tax officials.

“They need to get some camels on the street quickly,” N Timothy Twat said, “and maybe a day of the dead theme carnival dance, which will be a good way of getting past all the skeletons that are tumbling out of the closet. Show everyone how much we embrace the errors the previous government made and how we are fixing what Labour broke between 2010-2016. I’d also like to focus more on hanging things onto our junior colleagues in government during the coalition years. Momentum people salivate at that because they’re so terrified people will fact check and vote Libdem. You can see what an unrestrained, eyeball gouging, human hating mess government was until 2015 now.”

Other measures to best make advantage of the skeletons that are so numerous now in the closet of the prime minister and her colleagues is to invite school groups into 10 Downing Street to play.

“Play with the skeletons,” N Timothy Twat says, “sardines anyone? Go on squeeze in. Just mind the broken femurs, they can be a bit pointy when you’re trying to make room for a money laundering scandal on top of a racist immigration policy, the kind of which national socialists of the 1930’s would have been proud to applaud.”

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Lords have undermined our negotiating position say people who live in pothole

The House of Lords was in danger of becoming fully relevant to life in 21st Century Britain today after getting hold of a big old piece of reality yesterday.

”It’s not on,” a spokesman for the United Kingdom’s robot prime minister told LCD Views,

“we’ve been expending pretty much all the effort and energy, and the limited expertise of the current cabinet, to keep one big smelly dead cat on the table after another so we can fall over a cliff edge.

This is possible if social media keeps obsessing over whether or not Putin is prepared to have Russia become a big sheet of glass over Assad?

Which he’s not.

But the end of the world is so emotional people don’t stop to ask why so many Russian dissidents get killed in the U.K. and what link is there to dirty klepto cash swilling about London.

And now the friggin’ Lords storm in and put something based on reality on it?!”

It’s not helpful of them.

“It’s not! Boris is going to have to say something especially daft today to stop media coverage of the customs union and its importance.”

The frustration felt by the government relating to the vote in the Lords yesterday, in which the government suffered a whopping defeat on its “Economic suicide bill so asset strippers can go apeshit”, otherwise known as the EU Withdrawal Bill, formerly known as the Great Orange Peel Bill, is going to require a response.

Perhaps another capitulation by the Maybot?

Or is the government going to fight back?

”We are. Mostly against ourselves, should the Lords amendment pass through the Commons too.

Jacob is threatening to trigger a leadership contest. May is pretty much begging him to so she can be re-programmed as a hat stand.”

But wasn’t a key claim of the Leave camp is that Brexit will give control back to parliament? The Lords are behaving as they should, some may claim.

“Take back control of shifting U.K. assets and cash to secret overseas havens and dodge taxes! That’s take back control.

Any defeat threatens the major investment of disaster capitalists over years.

We should probably try and starve the Lords out. Lock them in and refuse them food until they submit. Failing that we start tunnelling underneath their walls.”

Aren’t you worried most would just sleep through a seige?

”Bloody Adonis will run about waking people up. This has undermined our negotiating position. We go any deeper into the pothole we’ve been digging on the road to Brexit and we risk vanishing completely out of sight.”

That would be nice.

“Excuse me?”

Here, have my shovel and keep digging.

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Ministry of Excuses expects to be the busiest in Westminster

The government was back in fighting form today with the announcement that two billion pounds will be spent by Saturday to set up a shiny new Ministry of Excuses and Whataboutery.

”It’s a matter of urgency,” Tory Patsy MP, who no one has ever heard of before, told LCD Views, “and I am honoured to accept the position of Secretary of State for Excuses. My work will focus predominately on the decisions made by our current prime minister when she was home office minister 2010-2016.”

The Ministry is expected to poach civil servants from across Whitehall initially, before hiring thousands from an agency in which the prime minister’s undeclared second cousin’s former dogwalker’s husband is rumoured to have a share in. This is only alleged, as the company is registered in a tax haven no one can be certain.

”I think tomorrow I’ll just stand outside the entry to DExEU, as a starter,” Tory Patsy revealed, “as a quarter of their staff quit each day, fed up with making excuses for why David Davis is in the Commons bar and not reading his briefs. They’re experts.”

We understand the order to establish the Ministry of Excuses says it will answer directly to 10 Downing Street too?

“The prime minister is pretty pushed trying to arrange the omnishambles of Brexit, she’s not going to get that bungled good and proper to enrich antiques like Rees-mogg and chums if she’s taken up full time apologising for decisions made by whoever was Home Secretary between 2010 to 2016.”

We understand that whataboutery will be under your remit too?

”Yes, if excuses fail then you need to tar your opposition with the same brush as rapidly as possible. It’s a key to good governance.”

Tory Patsy MP thank you for your time today. By the way, are you aware your fly is undone?

”And you’ve got some tomato sauce on your tie, which to be frank is just as disturbing.”