Posted on

Government urges Brits to spend Brexit bonus in local supermarkets

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is putting itself firmly behind this nation of shopkeepers today with a new drive to encourage voters to spend their Brexit bonuses.

For some time it has been a source of confusion to 10 Downing Street why Brits aren’t rushing into the shops and rushing home with some unique bargains. It’s certainly true that Mr and Mrs Johnson are doing their part to aid the economic recovery by spending the money of donors. But ordinary plebs who have to spend their own money also have a job to do.

“Hardly anyone is dying each day now from the pandemic,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re looking to plateau at a 100 completely avoidable fatalities a day without counting up what that means each month. So there’s no reason not to crowd into your local shops with the people who no longer wear a mask.”

Although the warm words are welcome and will certainly cause a boost to high street takings, some may need more encouragement.

“We are disappointed that some retailers aren’t doing everything they can to boost the economy,” the source continues. “The usual range of goods may occasionally be missing from shops due to a spell cast by an ancient Babylonian witch, but that should force innovative new British made product lines.”

In particular 10 Downing Street appears to be thinking of souvenirs. Which is fitting as this is a unique period in the history of the United Kingdom.

“You‘re going to feel pretty silly when all you have to hold as a momento of this time is the ration book you’ll be getting from Boris Johnson this Christmas,” they advise. “When you could have also bought one of those cardboard shelf fillers from Sainsbury’s. This is where supermarkets need to think outside of the box, even if the box was once filled with fresh fruit and veg and is now filled with cardboard.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson leads fight against Climate Change by dramatic reduction in HGV traffic

THINK OF THE CARPARK IN KENT : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister, and son of noted environmentalist Stanley, has taken to the Downing Street press room today to celebrate the most striking success of his Brexit.

While the saboteurs and gloomsters moan on about staff shortages and short shelf life fruit and veg Mr Johnson has his hands firmly wrapped on the shaft of success.

“I’m tumescent with joy,” he told the assembled press in the £2.5m Russian built room. “I’m stiff with ecstasy at what we’ve been able to achieve simply by a few tweaks to immigration law and by imprisoning ten thousand EU drivers in Kent last Christmas. If I was a steam train entering a tunnel I’d toot!”

The cause of the big headedness appears to be the environmental gains that Brexit is delivering.

“Many said that by dismantling our long standing trade with our nearest neighbours in an attempt to replicate it with less savoury regimes on the other side of the world that our carbon cost would escalate,” Mr Johnson beamed. “But just look already at what we’ve achieved? Are the Kent lorry parks full? No! Are the motorways clogged with trucks? Not at all! Brexit has reduced our heavy goods vehicle emissions in a way no secure food supply chain could.”

To celebrate the achievement Mr Johnson is going to do something a little unusual for a serving Prime Minister.

“I’m not like old Dubya across the pond who waited for retirement to turn his hand to art, although his portraits are excellent,” Mr Johnson enthused. “I’ve started already. Arts and crafts with empty wine crates. And later today I will place my latest creation outside Downing Street for everyone to celebrate.”

A nation waits with bated breath.

“I have made a model of your local Tesco’s fruit and vegetable aisles out of empty wine crates. It is exceptionally simple. I just lined the empty crates up next to each other and painted on a sign that says veg.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Johnson and Sunak in crunch talks over transfer price of U.K. Premiership

THE BUCK STOPS WHERE : The United Mingingdom’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to have entered crunch talks over the price of handing the premiership over to rising Tory star Rishi “Bootstrap” Sunak.

It’s understood the talks over what Mr Johnson wants to pass the coveted prize of British politics over to Mr Sunak have been in preliminary stages for some time with the negotiations so far conducted in writing.

“Boris keeps losing the letters,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “It’s slowed the negotiations down no end. Rishi is getting impatient and there’s a risk he may walk away from talks altogether if the PM doesn’t cut the pillow talk and get down to business.”

While a straight purchase of what is theoretically an elected post would be the most likely, it is also rumoured that there is a possibility of buying a controlling stake in operations at 10 Downing Street from its current largest shareholder, Rupert Murdoch. Mr Johnson can stay on as the public face of the business, but with little actual involvement in day to day decision making. Clearly that is a tempting proposition for all involved as it means the least change to how the business of government operates currently.”

Critics of the decision by the Prime Minister to sell his post to Mr Sunak have voiced their concerns over the degregation of representative democracy in the U.K. but they’ve been ignored.

“They clearly have not been paying attention to what’s happened to U.K. parliamentary sovereignty since Brexit and the decision to take back control and give it all to Boris and his backers,” the source laughs, “and what will they do to stop the sale? Mr Johnson will legislate for it and his party will pass it into law before the Queen adds her stamp. It’s pretty much a done deal.”

Advocates of the sale are thought to believe that allowing the free market to decide who runs the country is the best way to secure its future.

“Mr Sunak brings a wealth of experience to the business of government and can be guaranteed to keep giving customers of 10 Downing Street what they know and love,” a bland press release states.

“It is our hope that Mr Johnson will decide to stay with 10 Downing Street after the sale and transfer of executive power is concluded to ensure the manufacture of first rate sound bites for public consumption is unaffected. And also to turn up with a mop in public when required, as Mr Sunak doesn’t have the hair for that.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Jubilant scenes in Milton Keynes as EU army invades with shipment of fresh vegetables

SAVE US FROM OURSELVES : GLOBAL BRITAIN is showing itself to be the tour de force of international power we all expected it to be. Everyone is sitting up and taking notice of what we can do when we’re left to our own resources and the results are impressive.

“Weak minded citizens expected Brexit to be a failure,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “As if you can’t just rip yourself root and branch out of a forty year trading relationship without severe consequences. Well what did they know? They didn’t predict the pandemic and how it would allow us to fudge the lines did they? Know it all’s the lot of them. They also didn’t forecast we would delay and delay import controls to avoid food riots. Ha! We’ve outsmarted the remainers at every step of the way. Right from the electoral crime that was committed to deliver the result and on through an entirely useless parliament.”

And while it is right and just that the visionaries of Brexit celebrate their wins, it is slightly disingenuous to completely ignore the steps the EU is going to to keep on good terms with Great Britain.

“We welcome the invasion of Milton Keynes by the EU army,” the source advises. “It just shows you that we didn’t need to worry. We didn’t need to plan or prepare. Once we run out of food the EU will be obliged to assist. Mr Johnson will later today invite the EU army’s engineers to invade also and build a bridge from the carpark of the Tesco concerned right back to Brussels. That way they can just drive in the fresh fruit and veg over the top of the customs controls.”

Global Britain, proving anything is possible if you set your mind to it, and even if you don’t.

Posted on

Archbishop of York reminds the Welsh “Dragons aren’t real” in landmark column to save the Union

RHAID I’R ARCHESGOB FOD YN DAWEL : The Prime Minister Boris Johnson is a forward thinking fellow who appears to have invited all manner of worthy individuals in to save our precious United Kingdom.

Wayward, lazy thinking elites would suggest that a fair and equitable division of power and wealth across the four nations of the Union may help keep it together, but what do they know?

“Mr Johnson set up the Union Unit and put Michael Gove in charge of it to save the Union. He’s the obvious choice because he has a finger firmly on the pulse of all the nations. Admittedly it’s a very slimy finger and it constantly slides off, but that won’t stop Gove,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

Clearly the greatest driver of risk to the stability and long term future of the United Kingdom is the avocado and sourdough consumption of Londoners. But a careful eye must be cast Sauron like beyond the glass towers of the capital and into the valleys of our septic isle.

“It’s easy to solve the problems in Northern Ireland,” the source advises. “You just deny they exist and blame Europe. Scotland? A healthy and ongoing contempt towards Sturgeon reminds the Scots of their place. As for the Welsh and the growing desire for independence there? Here a divine touch is called for.”

And judging by his recent actions it’s the Archbishop of York who is working his magic here. Although this is just speculation.

“Mr Johnson has been having a really jolly time writing a speech for the Archbishop to give to the Welsh. In English. Telling them to sing God Save The Queen was just the opening gambit. Now we have to strike at the heart of their belief system.”

The heart appears to be dragons.

“Unlike the English flag of Saint George which is in honour of a verifiable Englishman who is known for his realistic and courageous feats, the Welsh flag focuses on a fantasy. We’re not having that!”

To deal with it the Archbishop of York will write a major column in a national paper to explain to the Welsh that dragons aren’t real.

“Once they understand that their desire to be ruled by Tories from Westminster will be undeniable.”

The Archbishop, performing miracles daily until the Union is saved. Not just spouting off any old shite in a self-defeating display to keep the PM happy.

Posted on

BREAKING : Williamson was sacked weeks ago but letter was in Latin and he couldn’t read it


STULTUS UTILIS : Breaking news this morning that Education Secretary Gavin Williamson was sacked several weeks ago by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, but somehow remains in post.

The letter sacking the Frank Spencer of Education was sent to his office and it is reported it “lay open but unread” on his desk. It is not yet clear why Mr Johnson did not follow up to force the issue once Mr Williamson kept turning up to the office each day. Suspicions that he is also incompetent are thought to be behind the failure to act.

Mr Williamson has carved out a definite reputation as Secretary for State for Education, singlehandedly damaging the prospects of millions of state school children in what has been described as a “Conservative tour de force of policy making”.

It’s not believed the harm Mr Williamson is doing is directly behind the decision to fire him, although it is related.

“His popularity ratings are sub-arctic with the Conservative Party membership,” a 10 Downing Street source confirms. “This is having a knock on impact on Mr Johnson’s own popularity. So he had no choice but to act. It should be clear that the life chances of state school students are in no way the motivation for the sacking.”

Now that the botched firing of Mr Williamson is in the public domain it is likely that Mr Johnson will move again, and reshuffle Mr Williamson for someone of a similar weapons grade uselessness.

The failure to communicate is thought to lay in the actual letter sent terminating his time in the Cabinet.

“It was written in Latin,” the Downing Street source confirms. “That seems to lie at the heart of the matter. If Mr Williamson can’t recall his grades you can be damn sure he can’t read the letter. In spite of his decision to force a select number of state schools to teach the elite subject.”

Posted on

Home Office to lure lost EU workers back so Priti Patel can deport them

DO WHAT YOU LOVE : The news of labour shortages in the booming post pandemic economy is a constant these days. Sectors that used to be burdened by Brussels’ red tape into providing employment for foreign born workers are now grinding to a halt because of the betrayal of British industry by the same workers.

Luckily for plucky Global Britain it has the right personnel at the top of government and they are going to fix the issue, at least temporarily. Starting in the new year the Home Office is to run a series of adverts to lure EU27 migrant labour back across the Channel and back to work in Brexitannia.

It’s believed the “charm offensive” will feature Home Secretary Priti Patel smiling in police uniform and standing outside the entrance to one of the United Kingdom’s premier immigration detention facilities. The script will of course write itself as Ms Patel holds forth on the appeal of being incarcerated by the British.

Industry leaders are thought to be unsure how to respond to the initiative, having largely kept quiet since 2016 out of fear of what would happen if they spoke out against the vein bursting madness of the British government. Is it safe to criticise Brexit yet? Do I want to find myself frozen out of access to ministers? It’s a tough call to make, even as you go out of business.

Ms Patel is said to be “upbeat and excited” over the chance to lure EU27 workers back as the Hostile Environment must be fed constantly or it gets very, very angry.

“We’re all really excited about the videos we will be posting on social media next year,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Just imagine the looks on the faces of EU27 workers who decide to brave coming back to Blighty, only to find themselves detained by armed police and locked in a cell awaiting deportation? The looks on their faces will be classic. This is Global Britain. This is how we roll. We beat fascism and we’ve forgotten how country’s fall into it.”

A soundtrack of the Home Secretary laughing her socks off will accompany the advertising campaign so everyone knows that she is loving her work.

Posted on

Downing Street to send the army in to solve army staff crisis called by sending the army in

FULL MENTAL JACKET : Alarming reports today that the already understaffed British Defence Forces are suffering from a staffing crisis that is preventing them performing their usual functions, such as being sent in to solve problems caused by Boris Johnson. Also the pingdemic, but that’s arguably also the fault of Boris Johnson.

Although it’s also crystal clear that Brussels is mostly to blame, but of course it’s the British who have to pick up the pieces. Luckily we have the armed forces to fulfil roles that would not normally be undertaken by the military of an industrialised country in peacetime.

No one should be in any doubt that we are still a perfectly normal, functioning representative democracy and not a cautionary tale of what happens when you let hard right think tanks decide your future.

“It was incredibly underhand of Brussels not to force us to train up the domestic work force to fill the gaps that would be created by Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They failed to prepare the UK for Brexit and now look at the state of it? It is essentially sabotage and explains why Mr Johnson was right not to extend the transition period.”

While it’s obvious that the blame for the lack of HGV drivers, builders, hospitality workers and now even Cornish ambulance drivers can be placed squarely at the feet of Macron and Merkel we still have to find the solution to the crisis they created.

“The army is the trusted go to solution for the empire fetishists in government,” the source explains. “We are confident that the staffing problems in the armed forces caused by many of them being tasked with delivering groceries can be sorted by sending the army in to sort out the army staffing crisis.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Queen bans Downing Street from using phrase “Her Majesty’s Government” in perpetuity

WE ARE NOT AMUSED : THE UNITED KINGDOM has seemed to stumble from self-inflicted disaster to self-inflicted disaster ever since David Cameron called the EU Referendum, before buggering off to indulge his true calling, that of lobbyist. There are certainly no signs of the pattern reversing or the PM being capable of running anything approaching a competent administration.

Many have wondered what does The Royal Family think about it all? Will the Queen ever intervene? Can she intervene? Or are we just adrift in a sea of tyranny never to see a calm shore again. Finally the Palace has answered those questions.

Late this afternoon a gilt edged servant appeared outside 10 Downing Street carrying a message for Prime Minister Boris Johnson from Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. While speculation was initially hot that she had fired him, it seems she has chosen to reduce his standing instead, in the hope he just leaves quietly himself.

Seasoned critics suggest this is unlikely and he will have to be “dragged out by his hairy arse screaming like the overgrown infant he is. Almost certainly clutching some of the art he’s badgered donors into buying for the flat, in order to auction the works off to pay his childcare and alimony costs.”

None the less, action from the Palace is long overdue and many are pleased with anything these days.

“The Queen has today banned Prime Minister Johnson’s government from using the phrase Her Majesty’s Government in any utterance, in written communication and definitely not over brandy after dinner,” a Palace spokesman told LCD Views exclusively. “Furthermore the short form, HMG, is also out of bounds. This order will remain in place for the life of Mr Johnson’s government. Let us hope that is not much longer now.”

It seems the drastic step has been taken to distance the Queen from her government because, as the Palace put it in usually direct language, “They’re such a cockwombling embarrassment. Did you know they’ve got the army delivering groceries? Jesus wept. Leave me out of it.”

Posted on

BREAKING : Downing Street confirms Harrier Jets return to assist in food delivery crisis

JUMPING FOR JOY : Downing Street is not just going to sit on its barge arse and wait for the empty shelf crisis to worsen, it is to act.

Clearly the country’s armed forces now have a crucial role to play in keeping the UK’s world beating supermarkets full of world beating produce after the EU declared war on British logistics.

“If EU truckers lack the required patriotism to navigate Priti Patel’s hostile environment and keep Britons fed we will just have to do it ourselves. And we will do it with tradition and style. Watch out Brussels! We’re going to be self-sufficient!”

The tradition will draw on one of British armed forces most iconic aircraft.

“We can confirm that the mothballed fleet of Harrier Jump Jets are being dusted off and fuelled up and will play a vital role in getting your grocery basket full.”

The details of the plan are not yet fully worked out yet, mostly because Mr Johnson dreamed it up while hammered on fine old port at 3am this morning. But those minor matters the ramped up logistical teams operating out of 10 Downing Street can flesh out.

The main thrust appears to be upward though with the Jets replacing the tired old role of RO/RO haulage lorries. And they will avoid any of the tiresome customs paperwork and queues that allowed the unexpected pingdemic to cause chaos.

“The fleet of harriers will fly from a recommissioned Croydon Airfield off Purley Way in Croydon and over to Calais. This site has been chosen because it was used in WW2 and everything we do must include a link to Britain’s other finest hour. At Calais the jets will descend with netting and be loaded with the cargo British supermarkets need to fulfil our commitment to protect their profits and your stomachs.”

Seeing the Jets hovering over a Sainsbury’s or Tesco carpark is sure to raise morale all over the country. Customers are asked to watch where they walk if they find a military jet over their heads. Don’t trip up and miss out on your fresh fruit and veg.

Apparently though a decision has been made to not inform French authorities of the arrival of the harriers in their airspace as that would just give the French another opportunity to stick a spanner in the runaway “success that is Brexit”.