Parents worried they’re crap at home schooling reminded lack of education didn’t stop Donald Trump

CURRICULUM COVFEFE : THERE’S GOING TO BE A LOT OF GUILT GOING AROUND THE HOMES OF THE UK, and other countries, for some time now, as people turn to the task of home schooling their children.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” our Education Matters correspondent shrugs, “look at President Donald Trump? He can barely string two words together. Can’t spell. Can’t do maths with anything approaching credibility. Certainly doesn’t do reading comprehension. Doesn’t do reading! And he’s President of the United States? Lack of education is no barrier to success.”

But what of the worry worts, how to best help them design a home schooling schedule, at least a minimum of what matters?

“I’d focus on television. How to use a remote control. Especially how to find one if it’s missing. Also ordering food while in bed. Clearly a vital skill. I think you’ll find if you set your children the exercise of sitting up in bed screaming ‘I WANT A BURGER! WHERE’S THE REMOTE? WHY ARE YOU ALL SO FFFING USELESS?!’. Most kids will score 10/10, just like Trump.”

What if you don’t have a TV and haven’t stockpiled burgers in the freezer?

“Then you need to get the kids building a wall. Take some of the bricks lying about the yard and get them building it. Make sure they hate their neighbours. Also a vital skill.”

But why such a US focused curriculum? The example of the UK suggests that an Eton education can also help children rise to the very top. What should British parents focus on? How to be a toast rack?

“Oh, that’s exactly the same. Doesn’t matter how thick you are, doesn’t matter how hard you work, you just need to ensure you’re born with a massive inheritance. Home schooling is a piece of cake if you plan ahead.”

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