SMOKE ME A KIPPER, I’LL BE BACK FOR BREAKFAST: There’s something distinctly fishy going on. Patriotic Brits are being asked not just to eat more British Fish, but to adopt them as pets.
Every man, woman and child is to present themselves at a bosky fishing village, to collect their very own herring, wrapped in a Union Jack. The fish are to be taken home, and cherished as a memento of the industry Brexit has done so much to destroy.
The programme is to be called “Herring Aid”.
Up and down the length of the country, you will see people out, walking their herring. You can train them to fetch sticks, catch mice, and say “sausages”.
The herring will accompany children as they go about their education. They will serve as a very present reminder that English Fish must be celebrated at all times. In order for the children to concentrate on their lessons, without being distracted, the fish will be put into schools of herring.
Some of the more observant readers may have spotted a small technical detail. Herring live in the sea, and not many of us have a surrogate ocean at home. Government officials advise either smoking the poor fish, or pickling them in vinegar. It is then your patriotic duty to obtain a replacement.
Smoking fish is easy. You hang them up in your kitchen, light a fire, and wait. Your house may burn down, but home smoked kippers are delicious.
It’s a pretty good metaphor for Brexit.
These frequent trips to the coast to replace dead herring have been deemed essential. There is nothing more important during a pandemic than propping up the fishing industry.
And if the fishing industry goes down the pan, then obviously you weren’t patriotic enough. The whole adopt a fish idea is a red herring.