ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT: Crossing the English Channel in a little boat is risky, dangerous and illegal. This is according to the alleged Prime Minister, invoking the heroic Dunkirk evacuation, which involved the same risky, dangerous and illegal crossing.
There is one big difference. Dunkirk was a rescue of Our Boys by Plucky Brits. Today, the victims of war are rescuing themselves.
The filibustering foreigner foghorn Farage fought fearlessly to force this farce onto the front pages. Funnily, after weeks of whining and whinging, Fleet Street has finally realised there’s a funny foreigners story to milk and milk.
Not only that, but the fear of Farage forced the government into full dead cat mode. Priti Patel has been seen in full battle dress in Dover, “co-ordinating” efforts. The rhetoric, if not the rescue effort, has been ramped up. There are even rumours that the RAF has been obliged to scramble a warplane to join the struggle.
Now Boris Johnson has got involved. “We will fight them on the beaches,” he quipped as he set off for a fortnight’s hard boffing in a secret location in Scotland. “Never in the history of human endeavour has… well, you know the quote, same thing, smash the Hun, bang bang you’re dead, jolly good show old boy!”
Churchillian indeed. But surely the poor souls risking their lives to cross the Channel in inflatable dinghies are displaying the true Dunkirk Spirit?
“Well yes, I mean no, well it doesn’t matter either way,” blithered Johnson. “It’s about being British and seizing defeat from the jaws of victory, or vice versa, de facto, cul-de-sac. Bottom line, these chappies are simply too foreign to be British, and that’s what Taking Back Control is all about. Veni vidi vici!”
Meanwhile there’s a deadly virus killing people, the government is siphoning off public cash in full view, and there is nobody at the wheel of the speeding big red Brexit bus. But hey, foreigners.