PM says “Tory MPs can resume their extramarital affairs as of April 12th”

PENT UP : The Prime Minister of England, Boris Johnson, has addressed the nation over the changes to restrictions on day to day life. These are a result of his intellectual and emotional inability to pursue an elimination strategy for the pandemic. Such a strategy could see normal life resume within our borders within weeks, as it has in numerous countries. But no.

We’re exceptional. And don’t you forget it.

Appearing at the chipboard podium, set impressively on a floor of secondhand acrylic carpet squares, he first smirked, winked, fumbled with something in his trouser pocket, and then got stuck in.

“People of England, we’re so close now to ridding our land of the virus,” so far so good, “But we notice that the Kent variant is raging, among others, on the continent. This is an opportunity too good to miss.”

The keeping of a low level of community transmission of the potentially lethal virus is important to whoever is supplying the millioms and millions of lateral flow tests.

“From April 12th you may go to the hairdresser, you may go and stand outside the pub. Essentially you can do everything you would like to again, while we pretend you’re not doing other things.”

Here he smirked. Winked. Ruffled his hair. Made some odd hand gestures. Wondered what he was doing with his life for an hour, with the sort of vacant and confused stare a pet dog has seeing a family cat given a prized morsel. Then he continued.

“And I say to my colleagues in particular. I know it has been difficult, stuck at home with your families at one of your homes, for so many months. Well, now is the time to unbox the burner phone and text her, or him, or them. Get back into it. Remember that no one has to resign for any impropriety so long as they support my project. Resume your affairs! With colleagues or whoever. And put what ever you like on expenses. We will pick up the tab!”

At some point there maybe a public inquiry over misuse of public funds, but it will determine it’s time to move on.

“But just remember, don’t start shagging each other outdoors again until April 12th. Thank you.”

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