TASK FORCE SUMMER : World beating prime minister Boris Johnson, now famous for assault and battery of his own country’s democracy, is said to have hatched a cunning plan to outwit the invisible enemy.
“Covid-19 won’t see it coming,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “our intelligence reports it’s bedded down in the Midlands, and track and trace call centres across the U.K., just waiting for autumn to launch a fresh offensive. But we’ve got a cunning plan to outmanoeuvre it on the field of battle.”
The plan appears to involve a series of distractions involving when to, and when not to, wear a face mask in the oft close confines of takeaway outlets. But really there’s something far more clever afoot.
“While the invisible enemy in our midst is puzzling over whether or not to jump between the faces of two people not wearing a mask in a Pret we will be preparing a trap so cunning it’s like putting lipstick on a pig and leaving it outside for David Cameron.”
In essence the plan involves using an obscure parliamentary legislative instrument to allow ministers to change the date summer ends.
“Autumn will have to hold cool its heels this year,” the source continues, “as it’s unlikely to begin until Christmas Eve. This will be a boon for charcoal sellers as Brits experience an Australian Christmas. Throw another shrimp on the barbie Shiela! It’s Christmas!”
The extension of summer will also have the minor benefit of pushing back the termination of the Brexit transition period.
“Stopping a pile up of truckers dogging in Kent isn’t the primary motivation of changing the end date of summer,” the source explains, “although for residents of Ashford it will be a tangible benefit. Unless they’re doggers, I guess.”
Quite what Coronavirus will do when it bursts out of hiding into the towns and villages of England in September, only to find it’s still living on the Costa del Thames, isn’t clear.
“We expect mass confusion. Something we’ve already successfully established within a broad swathe of the UK populace. Once Covid-19 is similarly baffled we’ll drive home the advantage and have it beat by Christmas. It thinks it’s going to hang about in cold air just waiting to leap down the throats of true born Englishmen? We’ll it’s got another thing coming.”
And it’s not just a win for the health and safety of voters.
“A mate of Dom has been given a £108m contract without tender to decide exactly the hour and minute of the day to end summer. Make hay while the sun shines, your honour!”