PEACEFUL PROTESTS: The full force of the law was brought to bear this weekend. Many officers were diverted from other duties to watch the statue of Churchill.
In the event, the statue protested peacefully, and didn’t attempt to riot, or even to chant slogans. So it was arrested for wasting the time of its heavily armed guard.
Naturally the Met was quick to defend its actions. Spokesman Eve Ningall immediately went on the attack.
“Churchill is a known individual of interest,” stated WPC Ningall. “Also a known ringleader, and a rallying point for the worst kind of violent nationalists. We couldn’t take the risk of leaving him to fight us on the beaches!”
This is a statue, for goodness’ sake. Why all the fuss?
“Threatening to deface a statue now carries a ten year sentence,” countered Ningall. “We are protecting the public from themselves. The Met has no problem with arresting people on spurious grounds, but the paperwork is an actual nightmare. Fortunately nobody was interested in the statue. Which is why we had to arrest it!”
Now it makes sense. Arrested because it didn’t cause the expected problems?
“Yes, it’s the same reason we go in hard on protesters who don’t cause any trouble,” admitted Ningall. “It’s a quick win, they get a night in the cells to think about all the trouble they caused us, we meet our daily arrest target. The snowflakes can grumble all they like on social media, at the end of the day we have a job to do.”
What will you do with Churchill?
“Charge him,” said Ningall. “Charge him with wasting police time, for protesting peacefully, for obstructing the highway, for having an ugly mug. Basically we are going to throw the book at him. But those aren’t his biggest crimes.”
You could almost feel the temperature drop several degrees. Ningall’s voice grew frosty.
“He was in the public domain without a Union Jack.”