Prime Minister that illegally prorogued Parliament “just beside himself” over PPE court ruling

OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is said to be beside himself today after the High Court ruled that his Health Secretary Matt Hancock acted illegally in concealing details of multi-million pound PPE contracts.

“Seriously, Boris hasn’t laughed this hard all week,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He was in a right state after making an absolute tit of himself attempting to clean a chair yesterday. This ruling cheered him right up. He found the ruling so funny he pretty much astral travelled.”

While some would have expected the High Court ruling against the government and the Health Secretary to have consequences, they are seen by Downing Street as so naive as to be contemptible.

“The court going as far as to say a minister of state acted unlawfully? So? Johnson and Mogg lied to the Queen and illegally prorogued parliament. And they got to carry on being the government! This is just a joke.”

Mr Hancock appears safe to carry on overseeing the deaths of over 120,000 Britons during the pandemic.

“If you think Mr Johnson cares about accountability you have not been paying attention to the entire career of Mr Johnson. He pretty much broke a rib laughing when Priti Patel was forced to resign by Theresa May. What an idiot! He shouted. I would never do that. This is an opportunity to remind the plebs who rules them. I’m going to make Priti Home Secretary when I become PM, just so everyone knows how much respect I have for them.”

What will happen to Mr Hancock as a result of the ruling seems a foregone conclusion then.

“Absolutely nothing. What signal would it send to the rest of the cabinet if Johnson fired someone for something as insignificant as breaking the law? They’d be sleepless nights. People might think twice before acting unlawfully. The entire modus operandi of his government would be up for question.”

But what would a minister have to do in Brexitannia to get fired?

“Take the piss out of his girlfriend? That’s the red line. He can’t stand all the nagging that happens afterwards. It’s hard enough getting into costume for the important work of photo shoots each day as it is.”

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