Priory begins treating patients addicted to refreshing CNN US election results

REFRESH REFRESH : THE WORLD FAMOUS PRIORY CLINIC in London has begun accepting a new kind of addict.

“We treat a wide range of mental disorders, OCD, addictions and so on,” a Doctor claiming to work at the clinic told LCD Views, “with our peaceful, sweeping grounds and comfortable rooms in our beautiful Grade 1 listed building we’re well equipped to help patients find and achieve tranquillity.”

And tranquillity is currently in short supply all over the world as the US election result grinds itself out over days.

“We’re well placed to help people addicted to CNN,” the doctor continues, “we have removed all refresh buttons and capability from all digital devices on or in our grounds. We also have a bald eagle permanently aloft, which is trained to take down drones. Should any addict attempt to have a smart phone with a topped up data allowance dropped over the wall.”

The main place addicts are getting their hits appear to be the website below :

“That website is really just a bit of old school weed. But importantly we are finding it is a gateway drug to the harder stuff,” the doctor warns, “patients often began using it recreationally late on the 3rd of November, but then proceeded to go for the crystal meth of erection results, which is the 24 hour news channel.”

“If you are worried about anyone close to you. If you think they have developed compulsive refresh behaviour I would suggest you plug their ears so they can’t hear Key Race Alerts. That’s essentially like smoking crack. And once a user starts on that, without help, there’s little chance of them coming back.”

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