IN THE FROZEN DARKNESS OF HER HEART : Those wishing UK Home Secretary Priti Patel would just bugger off are to see their wish fulfilled.
The Home Office is expected to confirm rumours circulating that Ms Patel has been chosen to lead a mission to Mars.
“Not chosen, demanded it,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, “Dominic Raab showed her an article about the discovery of salty lakes under the Martian pole and asked her to point them out on his UK map. But Patel was so excited she could barely stand it and ran here.”
It seems Mr Raab was left open mouthed with his question unanswered (to this day) as the Home Secretary moved rapidly to cobble together a Martian mission, with the Prime Minister’s blessings.
“She’s going to scoop those terrifying people straight out of the English Channel and stuff them into the cargo hold of her new space shit. I mean, space ship,” the Downing Street source informs, “then it’s turbo boost all the way to Mars. Drill down under the polar cap. Shove the desperate people into some cages and job done. Try getting your claim for asylum processed from Mars! Ha! Global Britain! What a brand. It’s all smiles for Priti from there on in, not that you’ll notice the difference.”
But while the plan itself is clearly feasible and an extension of compassionate conservatism, some astronomers have suggested all may not go according to plan.
“Recent photos of Mars show there’s already vans driving around the poles with loudhailers shouting ‘Bog off! We’re full!’ as Nigel Farage attempts to pull off Marsxit, having failed to end FOM in Switzerland.”