PURGEATORY PURGATORY : HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL has some welcome news to start the new week, after a gathering of religious scholars over the weekend.
“There is zero chance of the current Home Secretary, the Right Honourable Priti Patel, going to Hell,” the esteemed group of scholars announced, “we can categorically state that the chance of Ms Patel going to Hell, even for a long weekend in purgatory, is three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand against.”
The group statement, issued by the cross denomination panel comprised of all major religions (and one or two minor ones) will be reassuring to a minister who appears to be taking a “cruelty first” approach to designing policy.
“Ms Patel is building on the work of her predecessor in the job. Theresa May set the direction of travel with the Hostile Environment and Ms Patel is bringing an Old Testament zeal and panache to augmenting it.”
It appears not even a complete lack of basic human compassion will see Ms Patel damned.
“No one could have foreseen that not removing a politician caught running their own private foreign policy agenda from the House of Commons would end up being a bad idea,” the statement continued, throwing some cover to the prime minister.
But while the ruling by the spiritual clique will cheer Ms Patel, some are questioning how a cruelty first policy agenda can see her immortal soul to safety?
“Because the path to Hell is paved with good intentions,” the clerics provide the answer in their closing line, “and we can only find cruel intentions in the Home Secretary’s choices.”