Priti Patel puts private militia on Home Office credit card

EXTERMINATE : The Home Secretary Priti Patel has gotten away with it again after everyone went down the rabbit hole of her beauty largesse on the Home Office credit card and ignored more worrying expenses.

Closer examination of the public expenses record by our non-existent expert has revealed a much more expensive and dangerous outlay.

“She spent three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand pounds at a shop called ‘Daleks R US’,” our expert discovered. “Closer inspection of the detail of the mammoth charge reveals it was to purchase a private militia.”

It seems the Home Secretary spent the vast and fabricated sum after a week of “lax, pussyfootin’ about and totally unacceptable” policing by Avon and Somerset Police in Bristol.

“The major concern seems to be how late in the evenin’ the police are takin’ to turn up with horses, do’s and riot shields,” our expert continues. “Ms Patel anticipates her private militia will deal with the troublemakers much more expediently. They will also be shouting exterminate over and over, which will make for much better footage when it’s shared amongst cackling Tory MPs on WhatsApp.”

But while the expense is plainly justifiable and the private militia are expected to deal with the hippy layabouts in a way that will be red meat for the Tory base, there is one note of concern.

“The protestors are apparently planning to peacefully protest tonight atop of some stairs. It’s uncertain how Ms Patel’s private militia will cope with that obstacle.”

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