Priti Patel training British fish to sink the dinghies of asylum seekers

BUILDING BRIDGES EVERYWHERE : UK HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL is rumoured to have written to German Chancellor Angela Merkel to explain her errors in dealing with 2015’s migrant crisis.

“While Mount Etna and Mount Vesuvius are still active there is no need to treat asylum seekers like human beings,” Ms Patel is said to have instructed Mutti in the letter.

The letter was written on paper bearing the logo of the United Kingdom’s Home Office, to make sure the Chancellor understands what the UK now represents on the global stage.

“It seems reasonable to assume that if we work together we can turn the continent of Europe into a zone that is migrant free and we will all benefit. This will twin nicely with our ambition to expand the UK’s export arms industry,” the letter continues, “I personally am now training patriotic British fish to sink boats in the English Channel. I would like to cordially invite you to come and view one of the training sessions.”

The training sessions are currently being conducted in secret in a Scottish loch, although there are plans to film a session with Boris Johnson dressed as Captain Birdseye dangling treats above a pond.

What the Germans will make of the offer isn’t yet clear, although it’s believed to be one of the saner suggestions to emanate from the UK’s corridors of power recently.

“I doubt they will respond through official channels,” our German correspondent advises, “they’re too busy holding back their automotive industry with its constant demands to cave to British Brexit demands. Although more likely they, like the rest of the EU27, are waiting for Ms Patel and the rest of the cabinet to vanish through a portal and reappear as villains in a Charles Dickens story, which is where they belong.”

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