IT TAKES A SPECIAL TOUCH : THERESA MAY made her mark on the cultural and civil landscape of the United Kingdom, before returning to the backbenches to glare balefully at the entitled little shits she helped elevate to power. But that’s not the sum total of her work nowadays, she’s also the founder of ‘The Theresa May Award for Compassion in Government”.
The award, dished out annually, is intended to celebrate politicians who continue Ms May’s legacy.
“Clearly hate is a prized asset for potential recipients,” our awards specialist notes, “if you can punish people based on accident of birth, while having the power to do the opposite, you’re in the running.”
Myopic vision. Low emotional IQ. Cunning. Sociopathy. Hypocrisy. A love of imagining vulnerable children crying. These are all seen as assets whenever it’s time to decide who will get the gong this year.
“We call it the Bleeding Heart, that’s the award’s nickname. Let no one tell you Theresa May doesn’t have a sense of humour! Just look at her sterling efforts with the Go Home Vans.”
And the winner of the award for 2020 certainly has all the required attributes to win the Bleeding Heart, and some would say, more to offer still.
“It’s the work she is doing with refugees that really focused the award committee’s one lone, roving eye onto Priti Patel. To be able to drive through such a pitiless policy, such an agenda devoid of historical memory for the horrors committed on others in decades past? That is some achievement.”
But there will be a change this year when Ms Patel stoops to collect her award.
“We’re going to have the crowd involved at the moment Priti wraps her hands around the coveted bleeding heart. The entire audience is going to shout in unison ‘We had a whole world war about this and everyone was invited!’. It’ll bring that touch of irony for which the British are famous.”