“Rule of One” – only one person per household may now legally get Covid-19

KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON YOUR NEIGHBOURS : GLOBAL BRITAIN has got Covid-19 in the bag!

From midnight yesterday* it is now illegal for more than one member of any household to contract Covid-19 in the United Kingdom.

The new restriction is to help slow the spread of this most virulent virus and stop the NHS becoming overwhelmed.

This is important.

As with the first wave of Covid-19 the most important aspect was/is the visuals.

It is not for British governments to see their hospitals overflow onto the pavement like careless continentals. This is entirely unnecessary when you have a well established and widespread privatised care home network.

It will also have the added benefit of dramatically reducing demand for Covid-19 tests as it will not be legal for anyone but mum, or dad, or a younger sibling, or a grandparent (in multi-generational households), or an older sibling, brother, sister, step-brother, step mum, visiting boyfriend who is supposed to be sleeping on the sofa, aunt or uncle fallen on hard times and staying in the box room while the divorce is finalised, or visiting exchange student to be infected at once.

“Essentially it is form an orderly queue,” an official claiming to be working with Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “one at a time please people. Show some decorum. You can’t all be sick at once. It’s not British.”

“This will also allow us to arrive at the cherished, sunlit upland of herd immunity, prior to the 2024 General Election. Covid-19 – let’s make a success of it!”

But in order to make the legislation effective we all have to do our bit.

“If you know of, or even suspect, a neighbouring property has more than one infected member you will be asked to call a new freephone number. After all your personal data is scraped a privatised police officer will be dispatched to arrest the offending parties.”

STAY ALERT – catch Covid-19 first and be sure everyone knows you had it first. This way the wrong people won’t get arrested.

#GlobalBritain #TwoWorldWarsOneWorldCupOneViralPandemic

*supporting legislation will be made by fiat and published in the usual channels once Dom has finished blogging it.

Operation One Test – Government plan to wait and diagnose entire UK with CV-19 in one go

STEADY AS SHE GOES : THE SEAS MAYBE A LITTLE CHOPPY around MIGHTY Britain currently, but that’s just the expected seasonal change as autumn comes in.

“No one should get the impression that it’s a complete shambles,” an aide to Health Wizard Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “Matt is working his little socks off day and night to honour those men who died on the beaches. You remember them? Matt invoked them in his quest to be Tory Party leader, before throwing them under the bus to get a job with Boris. People of known quantity are leading the country in its current darkest hour.”

But it’s not going to get very dark, not even if you need a Covid-19 test.

“Some people appear to be alarmed by reports that Richard E. Grant got a Covid-19 test at an airport in Italy, just like that. I agree. It’s incredibly alarming the way some states in the EU squander public resources! You can rest assured that your government has fiscal responsibility at the heart of its response to the Covid-19 crisis.”

And it’s this famous Tory ability to shepherd the public finances that is behind the latest wheeze from the spunking power bunkers of 10 Downing Street and the Department of Health?

“Yes! We have now launched Operation One Test. This will revolutionise demand for Covid-19 tests in the United Kingdom.”

But how does it work? What’s the masterplan?

“It’s simple. We just keep flinging bag loads of cash out of the back door to our mates while Covid-19 spreads. Once the entire country is infected we will only need One Test to diagnose everybody!”

Operation Moonshot in jeopardy after Chris Grayling submits a photo of his buttocks

FLY ME TO THE MOON: Operation Moonshot has got off to the best possible start. Chris Grayling has got involved.

True to form, Grayling has taken the briefs and run with them. He then pulled them down, and took a photograph of the Grayling derrière. Moonshot means moonshot, and nobody knows quite where to look.

Official guidance on what Operation Moonshot actually is has not been published. Boris Johnson announced it in his usual disingenuous way, because he will say any old bollocks you suggest to him. He hasn’t got a clue about it, but it does have the distinct advantage of sounding quite impressive.

Unfortunately, Grayling’s untimely intervention has left the project in jeopardy. Even “Classic” Dom Cummings can’t justify a £100bn price tag for a picture of Chris Grayling’s arse.

Instead, Cummings will be forced to put his iron fist into the threadbare velvet glove that is Johnson, and devise a world beating cock and bull story to blame the EU instead.

For penance, Grayling should expect to be dispatched to find an optician called Bernard Castle, somewhere in northern England.

“Operation Moonshot was a disaster waiting to happen anyway,” rocket scientist Stan Dwellback told LCD Views. “It’s not rocket science. We at the British Space Programme were expecting some serious funding at last. Instead it turns out to be a cover story for shovelling enough money to pay for a serious cheese mining mission to the moon into the pockets of an accountancy firm. What do they know about space?”

With that bitter thought, Dwellback returned to his chemistry set, and the crazies on QAnon who were trying to convince him that we are under attack by fighting machines from Mars. “The chances of anyone coming from Mars are a million to one, they said,” he muttered darkly. “But still they come. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

Cummings is going to have to move quickly, before Michael Gove has a chance to bare all as well.

Study finds stopped clock right more often than Boris Johnson

CLUSTER BOMB OF BORIS BEING BORIS : BORIS JOHNSON is used to getting his own way. And used to running away. But those two standards of his life are becoming harder to come by, leading some to suggest he’s not all that clever after all.

“He’s essentially an after dinner speaker for drunk toffs who don’t need to know better, because privilege,” a professor at the newly created Institute told LCD Views, “when you just buy your way out of the messes you make in life you don’t need to think that hard. You don’t need to avoid disaster.”

But it seems that way of coping with life’s ups and downs only gets you so far.

“It can get you to be prime minister,” the professor observes, “it just doesn’t help you afterwards. For some baffling reason, that even we haven’t yet worked out, being prime minister is a tough job that requires focus, commitment and attention to detail. It’s not a role for a self centred blowhard, even if you are happy to let someone else do it for you.”

And we all know who that someone else is. Maybe he’s not too clever either?

“He’s good at one thing at a time. Electoral crime because he’s had political cover. That’s about it. The ability to see things from other’s points of view BEFORE you make decisions is key to being a successful prime minister. Other people are involved in a country. Shock! It’s why Theresa May was also a failure. Boris thought he was being really clever as he did her over and stole the top job, but he was really just pushing her off an accelerating, runaway skip fire on wheels and taking her place on the ride to disaster.”

Whether or not people should start clapping for Boris Johnson to recognise the sacrifice of his over inflated sense of self worth at the feet of reality isn’t yet clear.

“Who would want to?” the professor asks, proving why he’s a professor.

“Boris Johnson thought he was building the Wicker Man for someone else to be shoved inside. When his shadowy backers shove him in he will be surprised.”

So much for Boris.

“He is very impressive. How he got the job? What a blag! When we measured the amount of things he’s gotten right since against the stopped clock in our laboratory we got quite the surprise. On a daily average, consistently, the stopped clock is right two times more often than Mr Johnson. That’s if you can even multiply a zero? Which is the next thing we’re looking into.”

Britannia rules the second wave, bellows patriot

BEHIND THE MASK: We didn’t need masks when Britain was Great, says the UK’s leading patriot. Britannia rules the waves, and will now rule the second wave.

“Yeah, we don’t need you and your snowflakey European rules, Mr Guy Ver-whatsisname,” thundered Nigel Farage. “Britons never, never, never shall be slaves to your cosy single market and your undemocratic customs union! We had an empire once, you know!”

Farage swelled like the pathetic puffed-up popinjay he is.

“We want – no, demand – our country back!” he continued, warming to his theme. “We don’t want namby-pamby face masks, it’s a little virus not bloody nerve gas! We never had covid in the good old days, when you could go to the pub, smoke 40 full strength untipped ciggies, drink a skinful, and drive home to claim your conjugal rights!”

The virus threat was pooh-poohed by the boo boo in the doo doo.

“It’s just a sniffle!” he coughed, repeatedly. “This talk of a second wave is extremely tasteless. I can’t taste anything! They kick up a stink yet I don’t smell anything! It’s time to ditch the mask! I’m spreading the virus… I mean the news… Anyone got any cough medicine?”

After all, Nigel Farage and Brexit are all about deeply misplaced nostalgia. “We want a Britain before safety matches, safety belts, safety everything. No more nanny state! Open fires, dodgy wiring, home brew made from dandelions! That’s the Britain we want back!”

The good old days. That’s what they want back. Warm beer, matrons cycling home from evensong. Women murdering husbands with frozen legs of lamb, and serving it up to the coppers afterwards. PC gone mad? The only PC they want is the bobby on the beat. Until Boris Johnson and his chums sacked them all.

Rule, Britannia? With a world beating second wave hotly anticipated, Britons would rather die horribly than be slaves to anyone trying to do them a favour.

Government adopts “Zero Covid” strategy – numbers will be so massaged no one officially dies of Covid

A PLAGUE IN ALL THE HOUSES : The U.K. is set to be the first country ON EARTH where no one dies of Covid-19 anymore.

“Don’t let them mention New Zealand, you can’t trust their figures,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if they keep reporting no Covid-19 it’s a language issue. The accent. The U.K. will be the first country thanks to the latest Downing Street initiative. And we did it without all the handwringing by regional governors that’s going on in the colonies.”

The initiative is believed to have been thought up by none other than hardworking, dedicated, overworked, totally committed, never resting prime minister Dominic Cummings.

“Cummings interrupted his special advisor’s Scottish holiday to thrash out the details in a conference call with over promoted, confused school boy Matt Hancock. It’s really ironing out a problem in the way CV-19 death stats are recorded in the U.K.”

And while our report is definitely a scoop, the initiative is actually building on statistical work already completed.

“The change to denying reality if someone dies of Coronavirus more than 28 days post diagnosis has achieved a lot for us, politically. And virtually no one has challenged us. This is great. Under the old way of recording actual lives lost to our shambolic herd immunity experiment 92 people would have joined the stats yesterday. But with 28 day rule only two did. This is an example of following the science. The PR science.”

But how will the new way of recording achieve zero deaths in a month?

“From now on each day we will tighten up the criteria. Today only people diagnosed with Covid-19 and dead within 27 days will join the big number in the sky. Tomorrow 26 days, and so on. It’s the right step at the right time to get people back into the office and kids back at school. There, under our recording system, they’ll be safe, and their parents and the staff, because within days it will be impossible to die of CV-19 within the U.K.”

World beating.

Mask on/Mask off – Michael Gove not required to wear mask as “only humans breathe out CV-19”

DROWNING STREET : 10 DOWNING STREET has sought to eliminate the confusion regarding where masks should be worn to prevent the preventable spread of Covid-19.

How the public became confused isn’t yet clear, with some unfairly saying it’s the government’s fault.

To clear things up they have allowed a representative from Michael Gove’s home planet to speak on their behalf.

“We here on Planet Void breathe through our skins,” Zeetabroid 9F told LCD Views, “so whether or not guidelines [to halt the CV-19 pandemic] have been changed, in reaction to the Minister for the Cabinet Office purchasing a sandwich without a mask, is not important.”

The spokesman from the Planet Void went on to comment on how ridiculous the furore looked from afar.

“What value do you place on human life? Especially the lives of people you don’t know? It must be pitiably more than we do, or we wouldn’t have sent you Gove. And may I take the opportunity to say what a wonderful job he has done. Along with his cousin, Classic Fumblefinger, known to you as Dominic Cummings, they’ve left a trail of destruction since they began education reforms a decade ago. They really did land on their feet finding that class idiot Johnson to use, all twenty seven of their feet.”

Although there was a note of sadness in the alien’s report.

“We’re pleased to say Gove will remain on Planet Earth until his work is completed. And his work will never be completed. Mwahahahahaha.”

The note of sadness is of course the deadened tone in the hearts of humans hoping that Gove will one day return home.

We are opening the pubs because alcohol kills the virus, says Matt Hancock

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE: Unhealthy Secretary Matt Hancock has made one of the great intuitive leaps we have come to expect of libertarian regimes. Alcohol kills the virus, the argument goes. Pubs sell alcohol. Therefore opening pubs is a good idea during a viral pandemic.

Thirsty people up and down the country are desperate to escape their other halves and get blind drunk with their mates. Now there’s the added bonus of a miracle cure.

There is a word of caution, though. Hancock took to the airwaves to clarify Boris Johnson’s weak plea not to over indulge.

“The cure works better the more alcohol you consume,” he advised. “Hand sanitiser is about 80% proof. So you need to drink enough to make your blood alcohol level the same strength.”

This is not a problem for the die-hard alcoholics, but what advice does Hancock have for the rest of us?

“Stick to hard spirits,” he said. “No mixers or water or any of that weedy rubbish. Drink it straight, and drink a great deal of it. Do your patriotic duty. Protect the virus, control the NHS, or whatever the fuck this week’s message is. Drink for Britain!”

Alcohol impairs decision making and reduces inhibitions. What measures are being taken to ensure social distancing and sensible consumption?

“Did you not hear?” he said, incredulously. “Going to the pub cures the virus, so there will be no need for social distancing. What is more, our new Pub Tsar, Tim Wetherspoons, will refuse to let anybody leave a pub while they are still capable of doing so.”

Emergency supplies of industrial strength, weapons grade Russian vodka are being made available, in case punters try to leave pubs before sufficient inebriation has occurred.

And although pub toilets will remain closed, every pub will be given a memorial so that satisfied customers may urinate next to it.

Let’s send kids back to school to see if it’s safe, suggests man who takes his kid for a drive to test his eyes

PETRI DISH KIDS : As the world waits for British leadership to see it through the Covid-19 crisis, many British people themselves are concerned with more domestic concerns, secure in the confidence that lesser countries will take lessons from where we go. They do not have Dom and Dum, and that is their own doing.

“The Commonwealth countries? All they have to do is learn from our example,” Tory MP A Lackey told LCD Views, “they’re putting up a good show of getting along without us, but that’s just playing to domestic audiences. What I am concerned about, what the government is concerned with is not appearances, but the awarding of contracts to big name corporate brands. What a perfect time to shift public funds back to where they belong. Did I say that? I mean, the health and welfare of children.”

To this end the Department for Education has been ordered to prepare schools to reopen, and begin readmitting British students to British schools.

There is absolutely no chance that this desperate attempt to keep up with the Joneses, on an international scale, will have to be revised. And further examples that managing a public health crisis like a PR emergency will see more plague pits dug.

The closing of a hospital in Somerset to new patients, because it’s stuffed to the gills with Covid-19, is not a warning.

“You can imagine the anxiety our European neighbours must be feeling,” Mr A Lackey said, “busily opening back up their communities, a little hastily, desperate to prove they don’t need our leadership. Why they would make a public health crisis about Brexit I am not sure. Managing well without us are you? Run along. Presumably it’s to do with the quality of education they receive? You get what you pay for.”

But we on this green and pleasant isle need worry not about what others are doing, we must look to our own children.

The fact that Finnish children start school much older, and top the world tables, is not an argument that a few months of school missed due to the plague can not be rectified over the years to come.

“We have to trust in the leadership of Boris and Dom,” Mr A Lackey reassures, his eye on a junior cabinet post, “any man clever enough to test his eyes by taking his four year old for a drive, wouldn’t take a greater chance with the children of people he doesn’t know. Back to school we go! Where the infection rate goes, nobody knows!”

We will soon find out if it was the right decision. Children. Your country needs you! Well, most of you. Whoever survives. But in the interim at least Boris Johnson can pretend he’s got everything under control.

Driving to Durham and dancing to Abba are covid symptoms, says government

In a crucial breakthrough, the government has revealed further symptoms of covid-19. Travelling to northern cities and enjoying cheesy 70s music are now considered to be diagnostic.

It seems that the crippling nature of the disease has been overstated. A totally reliable Downing Street source, completely unconnected to top scientist Professor Dominic Cummings, has confirmed that sufferers can drive over 200 miles with no ill effects. Furthermore, dancing, although embarrassing if caught on video, is a harmless side effect. Indeed it is believed to be efficacious, particularly if done to the music of Abba.

It also gives you renewed strength for the long drive back again.

It is certainly a more likely story than the rumours that covid-19 is a deadly fatal disease. 

So, all in all, it is very strange that so many people claim to have died from it.

Some people, who are probably subversives working against the government, have claimed that the whole affair is a cover story for Classic Dom taking a cheeky vacation. Number Ten denies that anything happened at all, so that is the end of it.

Meanwhile, The Science has been updated overnight. New guidelines have been issued, which recommend that anyone feeling like going for a long drive, or dancing to music, should take 14 days’ holiday, sorry, quarantine, in a location of their choice immediately.

The knock on effect at sunny beaches on the south coast has been immediate. Indeed, many holidaymakers, sorry, sufferers, anticipated the change in official guidance and headed for the seaside last week.

Incomers have been advised to create their own socially distanced space on the beach. Unfortunately most people have disregarded this advice, since it was only advisory and nobody takes any notice of advisory advice if they don’t want to. Personal freedom is important, but a line in the sand has been crossed. Many times.

We’re all going on a summer holiday with Dom the Dancing Queen.