BREAKING Downing Street : £100bn prize for scientist who can bring back the Dodo!

WHAT’S COOKING IN YOUR SHED : AMATEUR HOUR FOR SCIENTISTS has just got a lot more exciting today after the announcement of a £100bn prize to encourage the natural innovation of Britons.

‘The Dodo’ is a new prize established today by Downing Street which aims to put British ingenuity and smarts back “on the map”.

The first task to be set Global Britons is one of self reflection.

“Just as the British Empire is not dead, so long as we refuse to see the setting sun, so too there is no reason why Brits can’t revive a much loved, but sadly long lost, family pet.”

The pet in question is the The Dodo, a bird still popular in the imagination of all natural born English men and women, long after the last one was eaten by a natural born Englishman.

“Everyone can enter,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “Just pop along to the Dodo contest website and download the application form and a sample of Dodo DNA. Then get into your kitchen and let the alchemy takeover.”

To encourage participation the winner will not only receive a cash prize equivalent to a standard non-tender PPE contract, but they will see their newborn flightless bird become the standard bearer for Brexitannia!

“We thought about reinventing the wheel with Brexit, but in the end we just decided to break it. But by resurrecting the Dodo and shouting about it to the world everyone will know what the United Kingdom now stands for! Even if we don’t!”

Enter today! You’re just one dead bird away from being as wealthy as a Tory Party donor during a plague!

The only person to ever hear Boris Johnson tell the truth destroyed in controlled nuclear explosion

GROUND ZERO : The United Kingdom is advised to sleep easier this evening after irreversible action was taken to protect the Prime Minister.

Shortly after 5am this morning in a subterranean nuclear test facility in Pembrokeshire a small thermonuclear device was detonated with a man strapped to the outside.

The identity of the man has not been made public, but it is understood he was transformed into his component atoms and smashed further. This transformative experience means he will no longer ever be able to talk about what he knows about the prime minister.

“The man will certainly be missed by some, but as his name will now be scrubbed from public record, we are confident that he will soon be forgotten. His dangerous knowledge having gone with him into the afterlife.”

It’s believed the nuclear explosion was necessary because the man was the only keeper of one of the prime minister’s darkest secrets.

“He once heard Boris Johnson tell the truth. Had he ever spoken about the experience it would risk the entire edifice of British politics. The truth is not a commodity valued by the Prime Minister. Should you get an inkling that it is you may begin to expect he should keep to it. This would lead to a rapid failure of a system of governance designed around deception and gaslighting. The man and the nuclear weapon had to have their special moment together.”

Government science group report British sunlight is the full spectrum of colours “red, white and blue”

BRITISH SUNLIGHT : It has long been known that God is an Englishman, this is so self evident that no further explanation is required, but what of course of the works of God? Such as Brexit? Such as sunlight?

Happily a Boris Johnson initiative has the answer. An until now secret science project (although taxpayer funded from the start) has reported its findings after an exhaustive study of the sun.

“Clearly sunlight is British,” Professor Wantfungle tells LCD Views in an exclusive. “We had that hypothesis, and just like the benefits for trade that naturally flow from Brexit, we set out to prove it.”

And prove it the Professor and his colleagues did.

“We’ve already established British water, British wind, British sprouts, British spirit, just a whole raft of matters have been resolved to be British and superior. But what about sunlight? The answer is easy. It’s also British. We proved this by studying the light spectrum that comprises sunlight.”

In order to do the study the Professor had to go the extra mile both metaphorically and on a plane.

“Obviously there’s not hours of sunlight over Britain to complete the work, so we undertook the study in the Pacific. And the results were very satisfying. The full light spectrum makes up British sunlight. It’s comprised of red, white and blue.”

The next problem the team will work on is how to retake control of British sunlight.

“For far too long foreigners all over the world have taken advantage of our outward looking and generous nature as a nation and used more British sunlight than we do ourselves.”

This is a problem everyone can notice just for themselves by looking outside pretty much any day of the year in the United Kingdom.

“We will take back control of the sun,” the Professor concludes. “And then we will ram the entire UK right into the face of it.”

Dominic Raab says he expects his brain transplant to begin working in 10 years time

THE BRAIN OF BRITAIN : Some people choose greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them and some are Dominic Raab.

The Brain of Britain, the man who discovered the Dover-Calais land bridge is at it again. Not content to rest on his laurels he has now informed a grateful and worried nation exactly when the benefits of Brexit will reveal themselves.

“In 10 years time,” the actual foreign and commonwealth secretary informed the nation. “About the time I anticipate the benefits of my brain transplant to kick in. Although trade, unlike brain transplants, isn’t rocket surgery.”

The 10 year target will be welcome news for businesses up and down the land who are struggling to survive today.

“It’s great to have a road map. It’s the quality of the planning the architects of Brexit put into the project that is so impressive,” a bi-valve seafood wholesaler told LCD Views. “Now when I fire my staff I can reassure them in 10 years time I maybe able to rehire them. That’s if they haven’t retrained in cyber by then. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to follow the advice of the government sponsored ad on a podcast and trade with China.”

But the setting of a ten year target is not without controversy, as fellow Tory Tory Tory Jacob Rees-mogg established expectations at 50 years.

“That’s because there’s a solar eclipse then,” Raab shrugged. “And he’s planning to set outside in the daytime. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to take my medication. Brain transplants don’t look after themselves you know. And if I don’t stay sharp the EU will nick more U.K. business.”

Dido Harding to write weekly horoscope column for The Daily Mail

HORRORSCOPING : NO ONE COULD HAVE PREDICTED the pivotal role former jockey Dido Harding would play in the pandemic, no one except for the farseeing board member of Cheltenham race course herself.

Lesser mortals fumbled about early on as the plague began to tear through the land, but Dido looked ahead, eyes on the prize, and got The Cheltenham Festival done. Which, given the way the mutant strain was already ripping the social fabric to shreds on the continent was a feat of magic.

And she only went from strength to strength after that. As fools considered engaging public health officials with years of experience in tracking and tracing infectious diseases to run the UK’s track and trace system, Dido was already furlongs in front of the pack, the trophy in her hands.

You need to be quite the visionary to dispense so many billions of public cash so fast, but Dido was able to allocate every last penny with a steadiness that bordered on clairvoyance.

But she wasn’t done then, the race was still on, and with a nimbleness that brings to mind psychic powers, she landed one of the top jobs protecting the nation’s health.

“You have to have second sight,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Just consider the situation. This is a country heaving with health experts. Virologists. Epidemiologists. And so on. But Dido outfoxed every single one to seize the top public health jobs during the pandemic. It’s like a kind of magic. And look at the results!”

And it’s believed that it’s this reputation for wizardry that Dido is leaning on in her next career move.

“From next week she will be writing a weekly horoscope column for The Daily Mail. She’s clearly got a direct line to the underworld, just look at the state of the U.K., she can phone up the dead and get a forecast of what will happen tomorrow and it will all go into print. Pisces – you will be contacted with terrible news when it’s too late to do anything about it. Taurus – you’ll need to watch yourself in the poorly socially distanced check out line. Aquarius – Take control of your waters before the IV line. It will go like this and help everyone.”

Dido Harding, a career that’s mutated more than a cold virus that is only here because it mutated in the first place. And no one could have predicted that.

Government applying to join the United Federation of Planets

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO TRADE DEAL HAS GONE BEFORE: Captain of the Tradeship Free Enterprise, Liz Truss, is applying for a deal which she promises will be quite literally out of this world. She has requested to join the Federation.

This truly is a piece of blue sky thinking. The government is reaching for the stars, or will do as soon as the dilithium matrix can be recalibrated.

Who needs EU? Truss has set the controls for the heart of the sun, and she will be mooning Barnier and the others from the safety of her personal holosuite.

“We currently buy less than 5% of our food from the Federation,” squealed Truss, wearing a particularly fetching ensemble of rancid pork and mouldy cheese. “That. Is. A. Dis. Grace! I’m your Venus, I’m your fire. We are going to the moon to bring back cheese, yes lad, cheeeeese. Don’t forget the crackers! And Mars bars from Mars, and Milky Ways and Galaxy bars. The real Operation Moonshot!”

What about Uranus?

“It’s a constant production line!” boasted Truss. “And let me tell you, I’ve sampled it, and it’s some seriously good shit!”

We haven’t developed warp technology yet, so why don’t we trade closer to home instead?

“Sorry, the comms just went offline,” said Truss. “I’ll just reroute power to the deflector arrays… There. Shields at 79% and holding. Trade begins on my mark. Engage!”

This all sounds deeply improbable.

“Yes, the trade runs on improbability drive,” agreed Truss, sipping a pan-galactic gargle blaster. “That’s also why the Free Enterprise has 42 decks!”

What happens if the Federation turns us down? After all, their entrance requirements are very stringent.

“Oh, that’s just the Vulcans!” giggled Truss. “They can go about all logical and sour faced, but it’s the Ferengi we are targeting. We will drill down to Quarks, although that’s just splitting hadrons.”

Excellent news. Make it so. To infinity, and beyond!

£22bn barely covers track & trace consultancy fees, says Boris Johnson

ALAS, ALAS AND ALACK: The poor man’s Winston Churchill impersonator, Boris Johnson, has defended the invisible track & trace system. The world beating, table topping, up ramping operation has cost £22bn to date for little or no return.

Where has the cash gone? Johnson explains in his usual unreassuring manner. Alas, we were obliged to spend the money on expert consultants, so necessary to ensure value for money.

“It is necessary to roll out people who know things,” babbled Johnson at the daily coronavirus briefing. “And experts do not come cheap. We want to build a world beating system, one that is already the envy of the whole world, Mars and Venus, Jupiter and Saturn, Oberon, Miranda and Titania. Neptune, Titan, stars can frighten, ooo!”

Johnson has captured Syd Barrett’s freewheeling style nicely there, but that’s where any resemblance ends.

Where has all the money gone, demanded LCD Views’ Dog With A Bone correspondent, Don Taskagain.

“Well, yes, no, erm, wiff waff, yes, it’s important that we do this correctly,” he replied. “There’s no need to panic, we have everything under control, these things take time, I give you my word that it will be up and running by September, no doubt about it, November maybe, February at the absolute latest!.”

But where’s all the money, Taskagain asked again.

“Yes, yes, yes, I’ve already answered that,” countered Johnson. “The problem, yes that’s it, the problem is the aging population and widespread obesity, and new models need to be created to cope with this new data, and we have a working party who will roll this out, until then, sadly, we will have to take the virus on the chin. We will fight covid on the beaches,” he said with sudden inspiration and a clumsy salute.

“And that’s all folks!” he concluded. “Same time, same place tomorrow, for Coronavirus Special!”

He gave a gameshow host smile and wave, and was gone like £22bn.

Downing Street says new “homeopathic vaccine” plan will see entire U.K. vaccinated by Sunday

TAKE THAT BRUSSELS : The unelected tyrants in Brussels are reeling today at just how superior the thinking is in newly liberated Brexit Britain.

“It will teach them to throw us out of the clubhouse against our will,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “they can eat our dust. Look at us fly.”

And flying Brexit Britain is, and nowhere more clearly than the race to vaccinate against Covid.

“We were famously first to approve the Union Jack for use on vials of vaccines developed by international collaboration,” the source continues, “and we’re first to establish vaccine super centres so Global Britons can gather together and queue in the race against the killer virus. Think of the sense of community as you congregate? And it’s a good day out. Much better than popping down to the pharmacy or your local GP surgery. Hardly a chance of finding new people to reminisce about WW2 doing it locally.”

But the next strategy to be the first to vaccinate the entire population will leave the Brussels gang gobsmacked.

“This week we are going to step it up an extra world beating gear and begin our homeopathic vaccine play,” the source confirms, “each local authority will be under instructions to pay a major corporation to send a sub-contractor around to the local water supply station with a single vial of patriotically packaged vaccine.”

This sounds truly world beating.

“Then a series of other sub-contractors will perform one task after another until the vaccine phial has been broken and poured into the water supply. Next time you drink a glass of water you’ll be fully protected in a way only Brexit Britain can.”

Genius. Whatever will they think of next!

Nurseries are safe confirms government as “small kids unlikely to show symptoms of CV-19 they carry home”

THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO SWALLOWED A COVID : REASSURING NEWS FOR ANXIOUS GLOBAL BRITONS TODAY AS THE UK BECOMES THE MOST INFECTIOUS COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

While secondary schools and primaries have closed because of the danger of transmittinh Covid to teachers, other staff, students and thus the broader community, nurseries have remained open.

“This is because we build them tough in Brexit Britain and it is vital the smallest children don’t miss out on their first lessons about WW2. It’s the foundation of the entire school curriculum,” a source liaising between the departments of Health and Education told LCD Views.

But announcing a lockdown and keeping nurseries open has led some unpatriotic types to query the inconsistency? But our source has the answers to reassure you.

“It is the case that secondary schools were safe until they weren’t,” the source acknowledged, “and it is the case that primaries were also safe until they weren’t. Personally I blame the last Labour government, they should have done more to make the school infrastructure Covid secure. But we are where we are.”

And where we are is that nurseries are apparently completely safe.

“This is because the smallest of children are unlikely to show the symptoms of Covid infection, thus making them safe. If people don’t see symptoms in other people then they probably won’t know who infected them. Track and Trace certainly won’t let them into the secret either! Ha!”

Following the path of the pandemic. The UK government. From cradle to grave…

Dido Harding features on milk cartons as concern over disappearance deepens

THE £22 BILLION POUND WOMAN : Police and community groups are appealing for the public’s help today after the disappearance of Covid tsar Dido Harding continues deep into the new year.

The vanishing of Dame Dido Harding does not seem to have particularly concerned the government, which is not unusual, as billions have already been handed over in private contracts.

Some would say she has served her purpose. But we are not doing the sums.

“We may attempt to use the world beating Track and Trace system built by Harding to find herself, but there’s some concern it doesn’t function properly and any leads will come too late to be useful,” a Met spokesman said.

In the interim the public are warned not to approach Harding, should they spot her, but to phone a number at the Department of Health that will go straight to voicemail.

“It’s very important Harding is not startled. She may vanish into the scrub again if she is. We need to locate her urgently, so if you see her, just keep walking.”

But there is an anticipation that no less eminent figure than Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock will shortly get involved.

“Dido needs to be located,” an aide to Hancock told LCD Views, “as she’s the best person to organise the races at Cheltenham. Hang on, maybe she’s there? Mucking out the stables?”

In other news, the public is increasingly hopeful of an actual resolution to the deadly Covid crisis, otherwise this year’s racing festival may well be interrupted…