Mark Francois to lead The Army into battle against Covid

MARK MY WORDS: The government’s go-to solution for every problem is being wheeled out yet again. The Army will lead the fighting in the War On Covid, and who better to lead the cavalry than Little Mark Francois?

Operation Mincemeat, as this initiative has tentatively been named, will commence immediately. Or in other words, on Thursday. Or Friday. Or maybe Saturday, just after closing time. Or Sunday. No, leave it until Monday, because everybody knows that Covid doesn’t work at the weekend.

Unfortunately, there is no sign yet of the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander. The thick-as-Operation-Mincemeat Francois is still Missing In Action, or maybe AWOL. He is sayin’ nuttin’ and layin’ low. Even the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford have no idea where the tubby Territorial has got to.

Still, that is no hindrance for one of “Classic” Dom Cummings’ SuperPlans. The SuperForecaster, who SuperForecasted the need for a second lockdown a mere five weeks after SAGE recommended it, has never let practical concerns stand in the way of achieving His objectives.

Indeed, so urgent is the need for a lockdown and martial medicine that the latest skirmishes will not commence until the back end of the week. The stated reason, to paraphrase the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander himself, is because if Covid refuses to cooperate this time, then he will be obliged to pass the matter upstairs to Cummings, and Covid won’t like that, not one little bit.

The utter absence of visible leadership has characterised the current government’s world beating success. The UK is top of the league for infection rates per capita, and also for preventable deaths. This enviable success has led to a stronger, fitter, healthier population (if somewhat reduced in number), which is ideal preparation for the shortages of food, medicine, fuel and so forth come January.

Alas, there will inevitably be casualties of war, as the Crime Minister might as well have said. If, sadly, you die of Covid, then you take your Covid to the grave, and then who has the last laugh? We will remember them, virtue signalling with a Covid poppy, followed by an allegedly socially distanced booze-up at the local ‘Spoons.

Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.

Mark Francois discovered hiding up his own backside

MISSING IN ACTION: Little Mark Francois, everyone’s favourite pocket-sized tinpot general, rentagobshite, and sometime MP for the nether regions of Essex, has finally been discovered. His absence was viewed with relief in some quarters, but fears for his safety finally prompted a search.

ReMarkably, Francois was found to be hiding up his own backside. Medical experts and quacks from around the world described his condition as being unstable and contradictory, which is actually quite normal for Essex.

The condition has been given a Latinate name: Smuggus Intolerablia. The only known cure is a large dose of humility.

By purest coincidence, Francois disappeared from public view as soon as allegations of rape were made against an unnamed Tory MP. It can’t be Francois, as he has most certainly been named.

“There’s not a lot we can do,” admitted Doctor Hedda Parse. “Humility is beyond the budget of the NHS. The only option left to us is to take one end each, and pull.”

We wondered if the unfortunate Francois would, in future, be known as SkidMark.

“I think that’s almost inevitable,” Dr Parse said, sadly. “These incidents are rare, but not unheard-of, and some kind of staining is bound to occur.”

He will be a Mark-ed man. The operation was about to begin, so everyone donned out-of-date PPE, crossed their fingers, and took their positions.

“On your Marks!” called Dr Parse, as the pullers struggled to get a handhold on some portion of Little SkidMark. “And take the weight… hold him steady… now, on my Mark.. Pull!”

But it was to no avail. Gently the pullers pulled, but Francois retreated ever further up his own fundament.

“Confronting a sufferer with the reality of the situation often makes the double down,” said Dr Parse. “Or double up, in this case.”

They tried, again and again, before admitting defeat.

“It’s no use,” said Dr Parse. “We’re going to need a bigger arsehole.”

Covid-19 accused of not following the science

WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF EXPERTS: Health Secretary Matt Hancock has blasted covid-19 for not behaving in the correct manner. It has continued to infect people, despite the government’s best efforts to restrict its progress by opening pubs, shelling out huge amounts of money on ancient spreadsheets, and flouting its own regulations.

The post of Health Secretary is a poisoned chalice at the best of times. And Hancock perseveres knowing full well that Boris Johnson is the one who poisoned it.

Johnson himself is caught in his own web. Like covid, he had failed to follow The Science, which advised a short, sharp lockdown to control the spread of the virus and identify sufferers. Now Labour is suggesting he does precisely that. So Johnson must choose between proving himself an uncaring liar, or agreeing with Keir Starmer.

Devil? Deep blue sea? Nobody knows which way Johnson will go. Except everyone knows he will never agree with Starmer on principle. Johnson is quite possibly contemplating the disappearing act performed by runty little no-Mark Francois.

What does covid have to say about all this? Nothing, that’s what, and the silence speaks volumes. It’s a damning indictment, in that it refuses to defend its indefensible behaviour. However a couple of rogue viruses were discovered in a car, having travelled from London to Barnard Castle, despite The Science telling them that it was safer to go to the pub.

“I was only testing my eyesight,” claimed the first virus, slightly shiftily.

“Blimey! A talking virus!” responded its partner.

So that’s completely clear.

The publicity this event has generated has led to a second wave of viral infections. Meanwhile The Science is being changed like a nappy, and waiting for the next load of bullshit and a painful rash.

We have reached an amber light at tier 2 level 4 where R is more or less than 1, which means stay home, stay safe, check, change, reboot. Or not, if you don’t want to. Stay alert.

Tim Martin to replace SAGE in order to avoid second national lockdown

LOCK-IN IS THE ORDER : WORLD LEADER Boris Johnson requires the best advice if he is ever going to wrestle that invisible CV-19 mugger to the floor.

And while some so called scientists appear to be handwringing over the sheer testicular effort needed to do the required wrestling, not our BoRiS. He’s total balls. If only he could find them. It must be the fault of the girly swots, unmanning a hitherto unstoppable lothario of sound governance.

So to ensure Johnson makes the right moves at the right time he’s made a significant change to SAGE today.

“Whitty thought he was so funny, constantly handwringing and worrying about mortality rates,” a 10 Downing Street adviser told LCD Views, “how is anyone going to have a good time with that stick in the mud around? How is Johnson supposed to enjoy being PM if people keep boring him with detail? And don’t even mention exponential to us. Exponential contracts awarded to mates of Tory MPs is the only runaway number we’re worried about.”

If you can’t make hay while the Covid shines when can you? Well, Brexit will certainly see a need for contracts for completely unforeseen calamities dished out too. But that’s for tomorrow. Today is viral.

“And today is the time to act. So Whitty and the other long faces are out of SAGE,” the advisor beams, “and Tim Martin is in! There’s no surer way of avoiding the harm a second national lockdown will bring except by turning the whole of the U.K. into a Wetherspoons lock in. We’ll even be issuing the new Covid-19 advice on beer mats from here on in. Get in!”

Dominic Cummings to spend day editing 1992 blog predicting win for Biden in 2020 US election

HINDSIGHT IS 2020 : BRITAIN’S RULER AND FAMOUS SUPERFORECASTER, DOMINIC CUMMINGS, has announced he is to spend the day predicting the future, from the past.

The announcement was made via an update to a 2014 blog about regulatory standards in hydraulic lift manufacturing, as viewed through the window of ‘The Book of Kells’ and how the wisdom inherent in the ancient texts determines the best speed of fluid intake and outflow.

The 1992 blog which he will ‘update’ today will allow Mr Cummings to predict Joe Biden’s electoral win the November 2020 US presidential campaign.

“It’s not so much a blog,” one of our historians reveals, “as a page in the diary he was keeping back in 1992. Before his unexplained years in post-Soviet Russia. But a blog by any other name is still a blog, isn’t it? I’m sure we can find the answer to that in the 2011 blog he will update next week.”

The motivation for the latest edit to his entirely reliable writings is believed to give Tory MPs the upper hand as they seek to forge links with the potential Biden administration, after weeks of trashing the same on social media.

“Joe will be deeply flattered to know that Dominic was already focused on his potential at a time when most where looking elsewhere,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but just like the progress of Brexit trade talks and the viral pandemic currently going at tantric speeds in the UK, Dom saw it all coming.”

And so long as it remains possible to go back and edit a blog post he will have predicted it.

Public blamed for pursuit of herd immunity

HERD IT ON THE GRATEVINE : BORIS JOHNSON is to intervene in the pandemic, being rashly enjoyed by the British people again, with words of advice.

It is hoped his personal intervention will bring clarity. We have received an advance copy of the final draft of the speech.

“Pretty much all year the British people have played around with this virus as if it’s not really that dangerous,” the PM is expected to say in a live, televised broadcast, “which it isn’t. Unless you all get it at once. Or you’re in an at risk group, or you’re just bloody unlucky.”

He’s right.

“This has made it very difficult for me to enjoy my time as your prime minister. Some days I feel as if I am the Cyclops desperately attempting to purchase a monocle, before departing on my autumn holidays in some sunny clime, wrapped in a golden fleece. Only to find myself marooned in a store selling contemporary sunglasses. This must stop.”

So far so food.

“For too long you have all treated this virus as if it’s simply a convenient way to loot the state’s coffers and increase the power of the executive. I can not tell you how irresponsible this is. It’s as if you all think you won’t notice the crippling impact of Brexit if you just stay sick?”

We’re really letting him down.

“I don’t want to order anyone to change their behaviour. In fact it’s almost impossible for me to believe anyone would act in the interests of other people. This is because I am incapable of such behaviour. But you simply must stop following my advice. In fact if you do not I will have to put what few remaining soldiers we have left, after a decade of ill considered austerity, onto the streets.”

All very sensible. It all makes complete sense.

“So I urge you now. I implore you. You must stop your reckless pursuit of herd immunity. I must be allowed to enjoy my time as your prime minister. This job is supposed to be fun. You are ruining it for me. I don’t want to call you all selfish. I want to call you pathetic little worms crawling about underneath Dom’s feet. But I can’t. So I won’t. By the way I am like a big, hungry caterpillar which Dom has put on an apple. This all makes sense.”

Complete and total sense.

“And I commend this speech to the house. We’re finished aren’t we? It’s my nap time. I’m not entirely sure which house I am commending this speech too. It depends who I’m shagging on any given day of the week.”

It’s hoped the broadcast will go viral. We can all feel safer now that the prime minister has given a speech.

Last orders or last rites? Government allows Covid-19 to decide, but only until 10pm

DO AS YOU’RE TOLD EVEN IF YOU’RE A VIRUS : DOWNING STREET has moved to talk directly to Covid-19 today, after pretending it didn’t exist anymore stopped working.

“This is a direct message for Covid-19,” a source at Downing Street told a pliant reporter, “you are to stop staying out all hours drinking and get home at a respectable hour.”

The respectable hour chosen is 10pm.

“Or just after 10pm. As it will take you a few minutes to walk home on your new host if you’ve been at your local. Clearly the journey could be longer if involving public transport or a taxi. Probably best not to use a bike as you’ll be drunk.”

The new curfew being imposed on Covid-19 is believed to be because it simply can’t infect that many drunks before 10pm.

“We’re following the science Covid,” the spokesman added, “just like Tim Martin has demanded we do.”

But whether or not the change to last orders will lead to less last rites in England isn’t yet clear.

“That’s not really the point,” our infectious disease analyst comments, “the aim is to appear to be doing something, while not really doing anything. Policy is designed after consultation with party donors. It is then pushed through a mental sieve of infectious disease expert’s advice. What comes out the other side would make a very nice sausage.”

Clearly the population will be reassured by the new measures though and act accordingly.

“It makes a lot of sense. You wouldn’t set 10pm as closing time if people could get infected in the increasingly inebriated hours before it. It’s not a case of a government that actually doesn’t care who lives or dies, but feels it needs to appear busy.”

The earlier closing time will benefit children too.

“Yes. By demanding that parents get out of the boozer by 10pm many will make it home in time to give their children a big, sloppy Covid-19 kiss goodnight.”

World beating.

“Rule of One” – only one person per household may now legally get Covid-19

KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON YOUR NEIGHBOURS : GLOBAL BRITAIN has got Covid-19 in the bag!

From midnight yesterday* it is now illegal for more than one member of any household to contract Covid-19 in the United Kingdom.

The new restriction is to help slow the spread of this most virulent virus and stop the NHS becoming overwhelmed.

This is important.

As with the first wave of Covid-19 the most important aspect was/is the visuals.

It is not for British governments to see their hospitals overflow onto the pavement like careless continentals. This is entirely unnecessary when you have a well established and widespread privatised care home network.

It will also have the added benefit of dramatically reducing demand for Covid-19 tests as it will not be legal for anyone but mum, or dad, or a younger sibling, or a grandparent (in multi-generational households), or an older sibling, brother, sister, step-brother, step mum, visiting boyfriend who is supposed to be sleeping on the sofa, aunt or uncle fallen on hard times and staying in the box room while the divorce is finalised, or visiting exchange student to be infected at once.

“Essentially it is form an orderly queue,” an official claiming to be working with Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “one at a time please people. Show some decorum. You can’t all be sick at once. It’s not British.”

“This will also allow us to arrive at the cherished, sunlit upland of herd immunity, prior to the 2024 General Election. Covid-19 – let’s make a success of it!”

But in order to make the legislation effective we all have to do our bit.

“If you know of, or even suspect, a neighbouring property has more than one infected member you will be asked to call a new freephone number. After all your personal data is scraped a privatised police officer will be dispatched to arrest the offending parties.”

STAY ALERT – catch Covid-19 first and be sure everyone knows you had it first. This way the wrong people won’t get arrested.

#GlobalBritain #TwoWorldWarsOneWorldCupOneViralPandemic

*supporting legislation will be made by fiat and published in the usual channels once Dom has finished blogging it.

Operation One Test – Government plan to wait and diagnose entire UK with CV-19 in one go

STEADY AS SHE GOES : THE SEAS MAYBE A LITTLE CHOPPY around MIGHTY Britain currently, but that’s just the expected seasonal change as autumn comes in.

“No one should get the impression that it’s a complete shambles,” an aide to Health Wizard Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “Matt is working his little socks off day and night to honour those men who died on the beaches. You remember them? Matt invoked them in his quest to be Tory Party leader, before throwing them under the bus to get a job with Boris. People of known quantity are leading the country in its current darkest hour.”

But it’s not going to get very dark, not even if you need a Covid-19 test.

“Some people appear to be alarmed by reports that Richard E. Grant got a Covid-19 test at an airport in Italy, just like that. I agree. It’s incredibly alarming the way some states in the EU squander public resources! You can rest assured that your government has fiscal responsibility at the heart of its response to the Covid-19 crisis.”

And it’s this famous Tory ability to shepherd the public finances that is behind the latest wheeze from the spunking power bunkers of 10 Downing Street and the Department of Health?

“Yes! We have now launched Operation One Test. This will revolutionise demand for Covid-19 tests in the United Kingdom.”

But how does it work? What’s the masterplan?

“It’s simple. We just keep flinging bag loads of cash out of the back door to our mates while Covid-19 spreads. Once the entire country is infected we will only need One Test to diagnose everybody!”

Operation Moonshot in jeopardy after Chris Grayling submits a photo of his buttocks

FLY ME TO THE MOON: Operation Moonshot has got off to the best possible start. Chris Grayling has got involved.

True to form, Grayling has taken the briefs and run with them. He then pulled them down, and took a photograph of the Grayling derrière. Moonshot means moonshot, and nobody knows quite where to look.

Official guidance on what Operation Moonshot actually is has not been published. Boris Johnson announced it in his usual disingenuous way, because he will say any old bollocks you suggest to him. He hasn’t got a clue about it, but it does have the distinct advantage of sounding quite impressive.

Unfortunately, Grayling’s untimely intervention has left the project in jeopardy. Even “Classic” Dom Cummings can’t justify a £100bn price tag for a picture of Chris Grayling’s arse.

Instead, Cummings will be forced to put his iron fist into the threadbare velvet glove that is Johnson, and devise a world beating cock and bull story to blame the EU instead.

For penance, Grayling should expect to be dispatched to find an optician called Bernard Castle, somewhere in northern England.

“Operation Moonshot was a disaster waiting to happen anyway,” rocket scientist Stan Dwellback told LCD Views. “It’s not rocket science. We at the British Space Programme were expecting some serious funding at last. Instead it turns out to be a cover story for shovelling enough money to pay for a serious cheese mining mission to the moon into the pockets of an accountancy firm. What do they know about space?”

With that bitter thought, Dwellback returned to his chemistry set, and the crazies on QAnon who were trying to convince him that we are under attack by fighting machines from Mars. “The chances of anyone coming from Mars are a million to one, they said,” he muttered darkly. “But still they come. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!”

Cummings is going to have to move quickly, before Michael Gove has a chance to bare all as well.