Britain not given enough credit for breaking up Pangaea

Did the earth move for you, darling? Well it should have done. It’s not for lack of effort.

Britain became Great by splitting things up. The British Empire, the European Union, the atom, Charles and Di. But now true blue Brits believe Britain isn’t given the credit due for a literally earth-shattering split.

A recent survey by Britain’s most patriotic newspaper, the Daily Jingo, revealed that 52% of Brits think that Britain isn’t given enough credit for breaking up the supercontinent Pangaea.

“People have short memories,” remarked ancient historian Dinah Saw. “It was only 175 million years ago, for crying out loud. If you can remember two world wars that happened before you were born, there’s no excuse for forgetting about Pangaea!”

Fair point well made.

Saw also traces the origin of British exceptionalism to this split. “The British Isles grabbed the best bits of the continents we now know as Europe, Africa and North America,” she explained. “Then they kicked the other continents away, and decided that their future lay in geographical isolation. The shrinking gene pool led to the rise of inbreeding, and the chinless wonders we see today!”

That wasn’t the end of the matter, though.

“We never really got away from Europe,” complained Saw. “Remoaners aren’t a new phenomenon. They even managed to make Britain rejoin the continent once! And what did we get out of it? I’ll tell you what, glaciers and woolly mammoths and sabre toothed tigers, that’s what. We should have stayed on the mid-Atlantic ridge as originally planned!”

Saw’s argument is convincing. Global forces gave rise to Global Britain, and treacherous geographers have assigned the cause to plate tectonics, not gin and tonics.

The furious Daily Jingo is already running a campaign to DEMAND official recognition for Britain’s forgotten triumph.

Credit where credit is due. Britain demands credit. Preferably unlimited and non-repayable.

2020 takes one look at what’s coming up and goes straight back to bed

2019 is on the way out, thank goodness many would say. The sense of imposing doom is so strong that it has affected the space-time continuum. The year 2020, aware of what is likely to happen, is refusing to get out of bed to take its rightful place.

“Send some other year out in my place!” grumbled 2020 from under the duvet. “1820, or even 1320 might be better. Isolation from the known world, poor food, feudalism, health care by guesswork, that’s 1320’s bag. I’m having no part of it. Wake me up in seven centuries!”

Old Father Time sighed heavily. This was not the first occasion on which a renegade year had refused to cooperate. Indeed, in recent times, it had been almost an annual occurrence.

“At least you could get up and watch the fireworks,” said Old Father Time. “And welcome 2019 back into the fold.”

“Oh no, I can’t stand 2019,” moaned 2020.

“None of us can,” replied Old Father Time affably. “But it’s traditional to welcome the old year back, whatever we think about it. Besides, it’s not 2019’s fault that it turned out so unbearably dreadful. 2018, 2017 and 2016 all played their part. ‘Tis the season of goodwill, so get your arse out of bed and have a glass or two of bubbly!”

“Here comes 2019!” shouted everyone else. 2020 crept to the threshold to take a look.

“Where? I can’t see 2019 anywhere,” said 2020, as Old Father Time crept around behind with his biggest boots on.

“Over there! Look!” he said, pointing into the unimaginable void that separates the physical world from the fourth dimension. *Go on, step a little closer…”

“Where? I still can’t see it,” said 2020.

“Down there, between the Star of Bethlehem and the apocalypse. Here, let me help you…” said Old Father Time, kicking 2020 squarely on the arse just in time for January.

Unhappy New Year, everybody!

FactcheckUK’s Michael Gove tells reporter “Woods cause constipation in bears”

FARKCHUCKUK : Michael Gove, ever the bastion of truth, has overturned a long held misconception today about bears. Speaking to a reporter outside a toilet block on Whackfukery Common, the Count of the Duchy of Plethora made the astonishing assertion.

Ursos arctos, commonly referred to as the Brown Bear, simply can not shit in the woods. Even sparsely wooded land causes some degree of constipation. Bears prefer to use specially built toilet blocks, on open grassland, and with a plentiful supply of four ply toilet paper. If we just wait here, by this toilet block, sometime before it’s turned into an affordable inner-city rental for the graduate market, a bear will walk in and use it.”

Mr Gove went on to explain that the species of bear with the most efficient bowel movements is of course “Ursus maritimis, commonly referred to as the Polar Bear. The reason for this is self evident.”

And it wasn’t just the misunderstanding over the toilet habits of all species of bear that Mr Gove sought to correct.

“The British people will thank me,” Mr Gove made the unlikely assertion, “and my colleagues at factcheckUK, if we also correct a long disseminated mistruth about the Pope. He is of course a Lutheran. If there are any other misunderstandings the voters would like cleared up, I would encourage them all to type it into google and then to click on the sponsored link that appears near the top of the search. This will take them to a Conservative funded website masquerading as something else, purely in the innocent hope of deceiving the searcher. It’s about protecting our democracy from democracy. The British people have had quite enough of democracy.”

Whether or not that final assertion is fact based will likely be discovered on the 13th December.

But perhaps the British people would like to pause, before casting their ballot, to consider if the grass maybe greener on the other side of the fence to the Conservatives? There’s various meadows there to fancy, and none of them readily fertilised with the complete and utter horseshit being distributed so readily by the Conservative GE campaign.

317 most gullible people in UK identified after exhaustive study

SYMPATHY FOR THE CONNED IS EASIER SOME DAYS THAN OTHERS : Results of a long running search of the UK to identify the 317 most gullible people were announced last night by lead researcher, Nigel Farage.

The research was conducted personally by Nigel’s limited company, BXP, and funded entirely by the research subjects themselves.

“When I started my study many laughed and said I wouldn’t be able to find my targets,” Mr Farage told assembled lobotomy patients, gathered for a press briefing, “but let me tell you I never doubted I would succeed for a moment. Not after I was able to convince dozens of muppets last year to pay £50 to walk without me on a public footpath. I was determined to build on that return.”

And build Mr Farage did, merely by setting up a limited company masquerading as a legitimate political party. Once the doors of the unelected, unaccountable one man show opened the money just flowed in.

But critics of the research have pointed out that there is no credible reason for Mr Farage to claim 317 is the ceiling for the most gullible people in the UK.

“There’s still a couple of hundred people in the research group that was studied,” a data scientist we just invented commented, “they think Farage won’t find some arbitrary reason to throw them out of his little rowboat of spiv, just like the 317 who paid to stand for election out of their own pockets? I mean, to even stand still after what was done to their colleagues shows a questionable moral position, alongside a depthless gullibility.”

And that wasn’t all the criticism of the study.

A second data scientist invented now too says that in spite of Mr Farage’s claims that the search is concluded, it’s not.

“Anyone paying attention realised the falling out between Johnson and Farage was scripted weeks back, so too the reconciliation and the fleecing of the 317. Now that Boris and Nigel are in bed together they hope to discover there’s millions of gullible idiots in the UK. Enough even to grant them both unaccountable power.”

Which is the way they both like it. It’s up to all of us to deny it to them.

Number of the beast proven to be 17.4 million squared, mathematicians prove

Scientists are proving all kinds of things these days, especially with the EU funding they’re getting. Today it’s the turn of mathematicians to make a breakthrough. By using contemporary and biblical data, they have finally been able to formally identify the “number of the beast”.

The number, they are stating now, is 303,133,936,990,564‬.

Oxford professor of mathematics Matthew Maddox explains:

“People talk about the bible saying money being the root of all evil, which is a slight misquote, it’s actually the love of money that’s the root of all evil. That was our starting point.”

So far so reasonable, albeit no precise clue as to the precise number.

“That was when we turned to more contemporary data,” Professor Maddox explains. “Given that the Brexit vote was done so that the rich could avoid paying tax, then that effectively meant that the number of people who voted for Brexit, 17,410,742, was the root of all evil, so all we had to do was square that number and hey presto, we have the number of the beast. All perfectly simple and logical.”

And as anyone with sufficient curiosity and a few spare seconds can verify, 17,410,742 squared is indeed 303,133,936,990,564.

The simplicity of the calculation almost seems like an anti-climax really. But then Professor Maddox did say it was simple.

The tricky bit will be how to part those billionaires from their ill-gotten gains if Brexit happens. It’s said a fool and his money are soon parted, but a tool and his money is another matter – who’d have thought that turning an f upside down into a t would make such a difference?

Because if it does happen, we’re tucked.

Boris needed tech support for his electile dysfunction, says Jennifer Acuri

Boris Johnson is standing up for Britain, but it’s all due to a helping hand behind the scenes. Tech assistant Jennifer Acuri is trying to ensure that the Priapic Minister gets the massive election he wants.

“Boris Johnson’s projection was rather weak,” reveals pollster Lee Ding-Question. “Acuri was brought in to firm up his key point, and to ensure he got maximum penetration.”

Electile dysfunction is not a problem normally associated with Bonking Boris, but his latest poll was disappointingly low.

It was at this point that Acuri stepped in. She gave a blow-by-blow account of how she relieved his electile frustrations.

“Tech support covers a multitude of sins,” she confessed to LCD Views’ Using A Work Laptop Like Damien Green correspondent. “But it involves getting to the root of the problem, massaging the figures, and providing a variety of openings to ensure that his poll became rock solid.”

The spunky Acuri clearly did a good job. “I did what Boris paid me to do,” she confirmed. “I’m the cat that got the cream!”

Acuri held more than one job down during her employment by Johnson. “I was used in a variety of positions,” she admitted. “We came together frequently. Boris gave me what I needed to get on with the job. I was able to extract what I needed from him, and now he’s flying high again!”

The election, when it arrives, looks like being a tight one. Who will best probe the depths of the public mood? And will it be a big anticlimax? More people than Boris will need tech support to prevent a massive flop. Blue pill, or blue screen of death?

Acuri has got Johnson’s Johnson where she wants it. Boris is proud and erect, as he prepares to conquer the electorate and boldly go where no man has gone before.

Strangely enough, the press are trying to make out that Acuri and Johnson had a sexual relationship. 

Boris Johnson overcomes No Deal cheese shortages by building a bridge to the moon

Building bridges! Weak and wobbly Premier Boris Johnson has wheeled out one of his old favourites to solve some of the expected food shortages after a No Deal Brexit. He wants to build a bridge to the moon to ease cheese supplies.

It’s a cheesy peasy solution to a sleazy problem. No supplies of Brie, Gouda or Emmenthal? What the country needs is different supply chains, says Johnson. There’s a great big ball of cheese in the sky, waiting for someone with the vision and belief to exploit it. Who needs the Tower of Babel, when we can have the Bridge of BabyBel?

Britain’s leading civil engineers have been rather uncivil about the idea. “It’s completely mad, unfeasible bollocks,” claimed construction expert Archie Tecture. “It’s a moving target almost a quarter of a million miles away. Boris Johnson is talking out of his arse again.”

In the interests of balance, the BBC gave equal weight on its most recent bulletin to an ignorant Boris bumlicker, who dismissed the Project Fearmonger as an elite remoaner talking the country down again.

So nobody knows what to think or who to believe. Which suits Boris Johnson just fine, of course.

There is an additional problem. Moon scientists have also been pouring cold water on Johnson’s grand plan. “I’m sorry to have to say this,” said leading loony Moonie Clair de Lune. “But the moon is actually made from dusty old rocks, not delicious cheese. This is real life, not an episode of Wallace and Gromit!”

None of this has had the remotest effect upon Boris Johnson. A Bridge over Troubled Westminster promises to solve cheese shortages and provide much-needed employment. Johnson has already requisitioned another £2.1bn from Chancellor Sajid Javid to spaff up the wall on this project.

Rumours circulating suggest that the proposal is already being painted on to the side of a big red bus.

Johnson to visit secret lab where Mark Francois clone has been bred to replace Ken Clarke at next GE

THE POUND STORE BOYS FROM BRAZIL : Do not EVER think Boris Johnson and ShortCummings have no dastardly plan to survive the parliamentary blitzkrieg they suffered last night. They knew it was coming all right. They went looking for it chin first.

“That’s because they needed an excuse to deselect and withdraw the party whip from the most respected and capable of their Tory colleagues,” our political pseudoscience correspondent reports, “so they could replace them all with ERG clones at the next snap GE.”

And replace them they will with lab bred men of a calibre rarely (mercifully) seen on the political battlefield.

“Ken Clarke is out!” our correspondent continues, “and the people of Rushcliffe will find themselves more than willing to vote for the Mark Francois clone who even now is having the fecal scented, amniotic gel wiped from his baby eyes. Once he’s elected they can be certain of rushing to the No Deal cliff.”

And it’s not just Mark Francois. An Andy Bridgen has been raised from the mad scientist soup to replace Churchill’s grandson, Nicholas ‘hashtag’ Soames, in West Sussex.

“There’s more too. An Andrea Jenkyns is done to take Putney after Greening legs it. A Nadine Dorries will shove aside Rory Stewart while mumbling brains brains. The list is long.”

The list is all wrong.

It’s said this has all been years in the planning. You think Brexiters don’t do detail? Oh, you just wait until you see a lot of mini-Moggs knocking on doors across the land. They do detail all right. So long as it’s from the files of certain WW2 scientists.

“There’s more than enough misremembered imperial nostalgia in the Tory Party tank to keep a dozen Bridgens spitting foam and red in the face as Fieldmarshall Boris leads the charge to conquer Little Engerland.”

Or there isn’t. If parliament is smart it’ll let Boris stay hoisted by his own petard until he’s so drained he scurries back to the lab and remains forevermore underground.

Nigel Farage uses FaceApp and it shows him Vladimir Putin

Unelected Brexit Party CEO and fully paid up Trumpian arse licker Nigel Farage has been playing with FaceApp. The app revealed the face of Russian bad boy Vladimir Putin.

“There must be some mistake,” coughed Farage, puffing on an EU-funded cigar. “It’s supposed to make you look older, like the portrait in my attic, not make me look like a baby-faced assassin!”

LCD Views’ Technology correspondent, Val Vamp, went to discuss the app with Farage.

“It doesn’t make me any older,” wheezed Farage irritably, blowing out expensive smoke.

“Putin is twelve years older than you,” Vamp pointed out. “Some people retain their youthful good looks. Now let’s have a look at your settings!”

Vamp fiddled with Farage’s phone for a few minutes, then looked up with a satisfied expression.

“Found it!” she said. “Don’t go into Settings, that’s useless. Instead choose the My FaceApp menu, the Applications sub-menu, then Processes, then Options, then… are you following this?”

“What? No,” admitted Farage. “I’m not interested in the details, I just want a quick and easy fix!”

“OK then, well here’s your problem,” said Vamp. “There’s a menu called Mask, and it had defaulted to showing you who is behind your public face. It is a simple algorithm that detects your social media activity.”

“Can you explain that in terms so simple that the average Brexiter could understand it?” asked Farage.

“It makes you look like your best mate,” said Vamp.

“Why does it do that?” said Farage. “Is it because of the EU?”

“Of course it is!” replied Vamp. “The EUParl_Free_WiFi makes it happen to prevent the app from harvesting your data. Look at what happens when I use it!”

FaceApp showed her a ginger cat. “And my data is safe!”

“Vladimir has my data anyway,” grumbled Farage.

Beware FaceApp. There is likely to be a general election in the offing, and it will start showing every man, woman and child the prematurely aged face of Nigel Farage.

ERG to release crayon drawing of Boudicca

WHAT F*CKING RESEARCH : The world famous research institution, ERG (spelt BORG), is in a flap tonight after a judicial review ordered their um, research to be released.

“It’s a bit of a bloody shock,” ERG insider, Anonymous MP, told LCD Views, “we spend most of the money on rolls of butcher’s paper and edible crayons so Jacob can draw Boudicca over and over. Although he does draw a dragon now and then and scrawl spears sticking into it, when he’s feeling particularly cranky at the Welsh. He’s going to need extra time with Nanny tonight to come to terms with this. I’m not sure he’s ready to come out as an artist.”

The decision by a judicial review body to order the publication of the taxpayer funded research is a timely one, thanks to openDemocracy, as it’s felt there’s not currently enough ERG devised batshit policy ideas floating about.

”It’s not just Boudicca we’ve drawn,” Anonymous MP added, “we’ve drawn Agincourt several times and once we even did research into the transformative power of the toothbrush moustache.”

LCD Views would like to commend the order, as we’re (the taxpayer) paying for these lunatics to undermine our democracy and society from within all because they’re born with undeserved superiority complexes and an allergic reaction to taxation.

”I guess we could enter Jacob’s self portrait of himself driving a Panzer tank into this year’s Turner Prize?” Anonymous MP mused, “but only after we redact the top hat to hide his identity.”

The research will be released on the 11th July and will about as much use to anyone wishing to learn more about Europe as a 1930’s guidebook to Patagonia, but the taxpayer funded research will at least give us something more to laugh at the ERG about.