Boris Johnson overcomes No Deal cheese shortages by building a bridge to the moon

Building bridges! Weak and wobbly Premier Boris Johnson has wheeled out one of his old favourites to solve some of the expected food shortages after a No Deal Brexit. He wants to build a bridge to the moon to ease cheese supplies.

It’s a cheesy peasy solution to a sleazy problem. No supplies of Brie, Gouda or Emmenthal? What the country needs is different supply chains, says Johnson. There’s a great big ball of cheese in the sky, waiting for someone with the vision and belief to exploit it. Who needs the Tower of Babel, when we can have the Bridge of BabyBel?

Britain’s leading civil engineers have been rather uncivil about the idea. “It’s completely mad, unfeasible bollocks,” claimed construction expert Archie Tecture. “It’s a moving target almost a quarter of a million miles away. Boris Johnson is talking out of his arse again.”

In the interests of balance, the BBC gave equal weight on its most recent bulletin to an ignorant Boris bumlicker, who dismissed the Project Fearmonger as an elite remoaner talking the country down again.

So nobody knows what to think or who to believe. Which suits Boris Johnson just fine, of course.

There is an additional problem. Moon scientists have also been pouring cold water on Johnson’s grand plan. “I’m sorry to have to say this,” said leading loony Moonie Clair de Lune. “But the moon is actually made from dusty old rocks, not delicious cheese. This is real life, not an episode of Wallace and Gromit!”

None of this has had the remotest effect upon Boris Johnson. A Bridge over Troubled Westminster promises to solve cheese shortages and provide much-needed employment. Johnson has already requisitioned another £2.1bn from Chancellor Sajid Javid to spaff up the wall on this project.

Rumours circulating suggest that the proposal is already being painted on to the side of a big red bus.

Johnson to visit secret lab where Mark Francois clone has been bred to replace Ken Clarke at next GE

THE POUND STORE BOYS FROM BRAZIL : Do not EVER think Boris Johnson and ShortCummings have no dastardly plan to survive the parliamentary blitzkrieg they suffered last night. They knew it was coming all right. They went looking for it chin first.

“That’s because they needed an excuse to deselect and withdraw the party whip from the most respected and capable of their Tory colleagues,” our political pseudoscience correspondent reports, “so they could replace them all with ERG clones at the next snap GE.”

And replace them they will with lab bred men of a calibre rarely (mercifully) seen on the political battlefield.

“Ken Clarke is out!” our correspondent continues, “and the people of Rushcliffe will find themselves more than willing to vote for the Mark Francois clone who even now is having the fecal scented, amniotic gel wiped from his baby eyes. Once he’s elected they can be certain of rushing to the No Deal cliff.”

And it’s not just Mark Francois. An Andy Bridgen has been raised from the mad scientist soup to replace Churchill’s grandson, Nicholas ‘hashtag’ Soames, in West Sussex.

“There’s more too. An Andrea Jenkyns is done to take Putney after Greening legs it. A Nadine Dorries will shove aside Rory Stewart while mumbling brains brains. The list is long.”

The list is all wrong.

It’s said this has all been years in the planning. You think Brexiters don’t do detail? Oh, you just wait until you see a lot of mini-Moggs knocking on doors across the land. They do detail all right. So long as it’s from the files of certain WW2 scientists.

“There’s more than enough misremembered imperial nostalgia in the Tory Party tank to keep a dozen Bridgens spitting foam and red in the face as Fieldmarshall Boris leads the charge to conquer Little Engerland.”

Or there isn’t. If parliament is smart it’ll let Boris stay hoisted by his own petard until he’s so drained he scurries back to the lab and remains forevermore underground.

Nigel Farage uses FaceApp and it shows him Vladimir Putin

Unelected Brexit Party CEO and fully paid up Trumpian arse licker Nigel Farage has been playing with FaceApp. The app revealed the face of Russian bad boy Vladimir Putin.

“There must be some mistake,” coughed Farage, puffing on an EU-funded cigar. “It’s supposed to make you look older, like the portrait in my attic, not make me look like a baby-faced assassin!”

LCD Views’ Technology correspondent, Val Vamp, went to discuss the app with Farage.

“It doesn’t make me any older,” wheezed Farage irritably, blowing out expensive smoke.

“Putin is twelve years older than you,” Vamp pointed out. “Some people retain their youthful good looks. Now let’s have a look at your settings!”

Vamp fiddled with Farage’s phone for a few minutes, then looked up with a satisfied expression.

“Found it!” she said. “Don’t go into Settings, that’s useless. Instead choose the My FaceApp menu, the Applications sub-menu, then Processes, then Options, then… are you following this?”

“What? No,” admitted Farage. “I’m not interested in the details, I just want a quick and easy fix!”

“OK then, well here’s your problem,” said Vamp. “There’s a menu called Mask, and it had defaulted to showing you who is behind your public face. It is a simple algorithm that detects your social media activity.”

“Can you explain that in terms so simple that the average Brexiter could understand it?” asked Farage.

“It makes you look like your best mate,” said Vamp.

“Why does it do that?” said Farage. “Is it because of the EU?”

“Of course it is!” replied Vamp. “The EUParl_Free_WiFi makes it happen to prevent the app from harvesting your data. Look at what happens when I use it!”

FaceApp showed her a ginger cat. “And my data is safe!”

“Vladimir has my data anyway,” grumbled Farage.

Beware FaceApp. There is likely to be a general election in the offing, and it will start showing every man, woman and child the prematurely aged face of Nigel Farage.

ERG to release crayon drawing of Boudicca

WHAT F*CKING RESEARCH : The world famous research institution, ERG (spelt BORG), is in a flap tonight after a judicial review ordered their um, research to be released.

“It’s a bit of a bloody shock,” ERG insider, Anonymous MP, told LCD Views, “we spend most of the money on rolls of butcher’s paper and edible crayons so Jacob can draw Boudicca over and over. Although he does draw a dragon now and then and scrawl spears sticking into it, when he’s feeling particularly cranky at the Welsh. He’s going to need extra time with Nanny tonight to come to terms with this. I’m not sure he’s ready to come out as an artist.”

The decision by a judicial review body to order the publication of the taxpayer funded research is a timely one, thanks to openDemocracy, as it’s felt there’s not currently enough ERG devised batshit policy ideas floating about.

”It’s not just Boudicca we’ve drawn,” Anonymous MP added, “we’ve drawn Agincourt several times and once we even did research into the transformative power of the toothbrush moustache.”

LCD Views would like to commend the order, as we’re (the taxpayer) paying for these lunatics to undermine our democracy and society from within all because they’re born with undeserved superiority complexes and an allergic reaction to taxation.

”I guess we could enter Jacob’s self portrait of himself driving a Panzer tank into this year’s Turner Prize?” Anonymous MP mused, “but only after we redact the top hat to hide his identity.”

The research will be released on the 11th July and will about as much use to anyone wishing to learn more about Europe as a 1930’s guidebook to Patagonia, but the taxpayer funded research will at least give us something more to laugh at the ERG about.

Ann Widdecombe confident of finding a technological solution to being gay

To be gay, or not to be gay, that is the question that Ann Widdecombe wants to answer. It is a question that the finest minds in medicine, philosophy and religion have failed to answer. Politicians rush in where experts fear to tread, and so Widdecombe is promising a technological solution to homosexuality.

Like Brexit, the ‘gay cure’ is a solution to a non-existent problem. It only matters in the heads of people like Widdecombe. You wonder if the lady protesteth too much.

However nebulous the problem, it matters to people who like to poke their nose into other people’s business. There must be a new approach, since nothing else has worked so far. Technology must be the answer. Gay people must be reprogrammed to be like everyone else.

“A friend of mine is working on it now,” claims Widdecombe, from her quaint home in Rugmuncher-on-Sea. “I have seen her apparatus, and let me say I think it’s very impressive.”

LCD Views’ Try Anything Once correspondent was instantly dispatched to Rugmuncher-on-Sea to visit Widdy’s special friend.

Widdy’s special friend, inventor Nancy Boyes, invited us into her inner sanctum. “Come in, I’ll show you everything I have!” she said. “It’s a bit of a tight squeeze, but lovely and cosy once you’re in.”

It was indeed a tight fit, but very comfortable. “That’s better,” said Nancy. “Now let’s get down to business!”

Tell us what the machinery does.

“It’s still in the development phase,” explained Nancy. “It basically tries to rewrite your DNA to ungay you.”

She revealed that, a powerful microscope picks out pink bits of DNA, and then she prods them until they turn blue. “There’s a long way to go yet,” she admitted.

“I’m convinced it will work!” exclaimed Widdecombe. “It’s got to, or my beliefs are completely buggered. You have to believe! Believe!”

Maybe Ann believes in the wrong sort of fairies.

Boris Johnson hires MiB to make it easier for him to become prime minister

BLUNDERING SABOTAGES: A blonde man who expects to walk into the top job in the United Kingdom has hit on a way today to make everyone in the country forget who he is.

“If enough people stop and think about what he’s done and what he’s said over the years he’s stuffed,” a campaign strategist says, “so he’s got to either reinvent himself, bit of an impossibility, or make everyone forget who he is. This way he can bound onto the political stage again and wow the country. He’s seems fun! He’s seems smart! I wonder who he is?”

But the hiring of the famous Men In Black to tour the United Kingdom erasing every voter’s memory of Boris Johnson, back until when HIGNFY mistakenly boosted his public profile, runs a risk.

“Clearly they’re busy making people forget they have had an alien encounter, in order to keep the planet safer,” the strategist observed, “so there’s a slight risk of apocalyptic inter-galatic shenanigans if they’re taken off task just to suit Boris. But I expect that’s a risk he’s willing to live with if it increases his changes of swanning into 10 Downing Street.”

Whether or not it’s a risk the UK is willing to take is another matter.

“Not really, as only about 0.06% of the population will be asked if they want Boris Johnson to become prime minister,” the strategist shrugged, “and most of that 0.06% are already certifiably insane. To be fair, they probably don’t even need their memories erasing in the first place.”

Voynich manuscript decoded to reveal Brexit dividend

The Voynich manuscript has been a source of mystery for over half a millennium, being seemingly untranslatable. Every so often some academic will come up with a new theory, but now it seems we finally have the answer, and it’s been staring us in the face all along.

Professor Lynn Gwist of Oxford University was quick to explain:

“It’s actually a detailed manifesto listing all the benefits of the UK leaving the European Union,” she said. “All the pictures are a clear guide to Brexit and why it says we should have it.”

Professor Gwist went on to explain that the flower symbols are there to represent everything coming up roses, and the image of nude ladies bathing meant free hot tubs for all.

Her research has been called into question by many eminent scholars however, with Professor Ivan Tancers being particularly vocal in his criticism.

“Her theory makes no explanation of the wording and what language it’s in,” he explained. “If you read a book and just follow the pictures and not the words, you don’t get the whole story by a long way, and this manuscript is no different.”

Professor Gwist acknowledged her colleague’s scepticism however, and admitted:

“I got to the wording later on,” she said, “and it does put a different complexion on matters, the wording translates in detail to all the businesses that have left the UK, and all the escalation in hate-crimes that has happened since the vote. It’s really a very clever prediction of the whole debate really. The words are designed for the clever people to understand, and that’s the pro-remain case. The pictures make up the pro-leave argument and are aimed at those people with less education. Given that the breakdown of space allocated to words and pictures is about fifty-fifty, this works quite nicely.”

Professor Gwist will be publishing a paper about this theory on October 31st. How valid it actually is has yet to be confirmed, one way or the other.

Government denies secret group working for psychic solution to Brexit

MENTAL : LEAKED documents to this supranational publishing sensation suggest the government is spending £350m a week on a secret group working to discover a psychic solution to Brexit.

“They began practising by staring at a rock called Graham,” the document reveals, “it was Dominic Raab’s pet rock. He used to keep it on his desk to warn people entering his office that he was hard and heavy.”

But it appears that after Graham became unwell, the group moved on to other objects.

“They tried a marrow next. It was stolen from Jeremy Corbyn’s allotment. There’s a growing suspicion that somehow having Andrea Jenkyns, Nadine Dorries, Jacob Rees-mogg and Owen Patterson staring at it day in and out is what caused so much confusion within Labour leadership over Brexit. So that was the first success.”

Next the group moved on to staring at a photo of Theresa May.

“They’re still doing that even now after her premiership has died. They’ve let Liz Truss take it home under orders to continue to stare at it. This doesn’t seem to be working, as it’s supposed to come back alive and take the blame for whatever Johnson does. It’s thought because Liz has swapped May’s photo for one of her own and is just making affirmations about becoming prime minister next.”

But the real surprise in the document was the fact that the group has now moved on to staring at actual Brexit. That they have somehow nailed down one Brexit and are attempting to increase its vibration to a strength that makes it viable.

“It’s just a cardboard cutout of a unicorn,” the paper ends, “but the Dominic’s really believe. Initially nothing was happening and then they realised there was a map of the English Channel on the wall. It’s believed that was putting one of them off because of the shock value of realising Britain was an island. They removed the map and things are going much better now. Brexit is expected to begin levitating shortly and that will be a sign that it’s working. Once the rock turns into a hand grenade with its pin out they’ll know they nailed it.”

Brexit, our best minds are working on it.

National Grid says Britain’s electricity grid has replaced coal with political hot air

BURNING FOSSILS: THE National Grid is in the headlines today with good news for anyone in the UK concerned about national energy policy and climate change.

“The United Kingdom’s electricity grid has replaced coal with an endless seam of hot air being captured seamlessly in Westminster,” Mrs Natureel Gass told LCD Views’ energy analyst,

“phrases like ‘Brexit means Brexit’ and ‘Jobs First Brexit’ mean that coal can stay in the ground. ‘A Brexit that works for everybody’ has meant we’ve even had to turn forty eight of the country’s twenty nine nuclear power stations off. It’s amazing. This is the future. We’ve so much spare capacity we’ve begun exporting political hot air to the continent.”

But not everybody is pleased.

“The frackers are mad,” Mrs Gass comments, “like red faced, screaming about sovereignty mad. And you can’t get madder than that! I would accuse them of a conflict of interest though.”

How so? Because climate change will kill us all and developing extra sectors of fossil fuels is a sure way to bring it on?

“No. Although correct, that’s not it.”

Well what?

“The frackers have spent a lot of time buying influence with many of the very political fossils that are producing the hot air that is powering the nation’s turbines. If you pay for a piper you expect to call the tune.”

Blame for the record breaking run of non-coal energy generation has been placed firmly at the feet of previous governments.

“Too much emphasis was placed on attempting to encourage the renewable energy industry,” Mrs Gass explains, “but that was before the country went clinically insane. So there are hopes this will just be a blip in an otherwise greenhouse encouraging environment. If the fossil fuel sector plays its cards right we’ll be generating all the UK’s energy with Brexiter natural gas. 100% methane.”

Boris Johnson questioned after photographic evidence of secret trip to India emerges

The Indian army is taking some totally anticipated mocking in its stride (up a mountainside) today after claiming to have taken photographs of the abominable snowman’s footprints.

“It’s clear the overly large footprints belong to an abdominable man,” Professor Yeti, reader in Freak Shows at Thornton Heath University, told LCD Views, “a man that gets many people’s abdominal regions in knots, leading to feelings of anxiety and nausea, but to claim he is made of snow is just far fetched.”

While no actual photographs of the individual who left the footprints were taken, we asked Professor Yeti to compare them with footprints left all over the UK’s political landscape by a well known Anglo-American politician, with Turkish ancestry, currently a leading voice in a racist political project in Blighty.

”Wow,” Professor Yeti said, “I didn’t really expect that if I was honest. I assumed the MP concerned would have been geographically confined to the largely mountain free region of Uxbridge and South Ruislip on constitency work. This is a surprise.”

It’s a match then?

”Totally. No doubt. Couldn’t be more of a match between the prints. This just makes the Indian Army’s claims more ludicrous. The abominable blonde British man in question is no snowflake. He’s moved far too right wing for that. Although it could be argued I suppose he’s responsible for an avalanche of shite across the political landscape, but then, that’s the wrong colour.”

In response to the findings of Professor Yeti we sent an urgent request to Boris Johnson’s constituency office to ask what he was doing on a secret trip to India earlier this month? And whether or not anything occurred that should be declared in the list of member’s interests. We are yet to receive a reply.