Dido Harding features on milk cartons as concern over disappearance deepens

THE £22 BILLION POUND WOMAN : Police and community groups are appealing for the public’s help today after the disappearance of Covid tsar Dido Harding continues deep into the new year.

The vanishing of Dame Dido Harding does not seem to have particularly concerned the government, which is not unusual, as billions have already been handed over in private contracts.

Some would say she has served her purpose. But we are not doing the sums.

“We may attempt to use the world beating Track and Trace system built by Harding to find herself, but there’s some concern it doesn’t function properly and any leads will come too late to be useful,” a Met spokesman said.

In the interim the public are warned not to approach Harding, should they spot her, but to phone a number at the Department of Health that will go straight to voicemail.

“It’s very important Harding is not startled. She may vanish into the scrub again if she is. We need to locate her urgently, so if you see her, just keep walking.”

But there is an anticipation that no less eminent figure than Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock will shortly get involved.

“Dido needs to be located,” an aide to Hancock told LCD Views, “as she’s the best person to organise the races at Cheltenham. Hang on, maybe she’s there? Mucking out the stables?”

In other news, the public is increasingly hopeful of an actual resolution to the deadly Covid crisis, otherwise this year’s racing festival may well be interrupted…

Government confirms Tier 4 households can still congregate for Xmas “if they go to Barnard Castle”

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN : DOWNING STREET have confirmed today there are a few loopholes in the new Tier 4 CV-19 restrictions.

“Always read the fine print,” advised a random cabinet minister – who voted for the Withdrawal Agreement last year, before later threatening to rebel once he’d read it.

The exception is believed to have been made because of the mystical, healing powers of Barnard Castle.

“It sorted Dominic Cummings’ eyes right out,” the minster added, “and he’s such a wanker it was thought he was permanently blind! So if it can do that, there’s a good chance the powerful aura of the ruins will prevent Covid-19 transmission.”

But to be clear that there are no breaking of the rules all households planning to get together at Barnard Castle must drive themselves there in the family car.

“This is to leave the trains empty for Tory MPs breaking the rules and leaving London for Christmas. They need space around them in transit, as they’ll almost certainly have the virus.”

The Barnard Castle exception is good news for families who may have rashly believed the prime minister’s promises that Christmas would be saved, hours before he butchered it for millions.

“We don’t want all that food and drink going to waste. We need everyone good and fat to enjoy the tangible, inedible benefits of Brexit in January.”

But public health officials have suggested that the Barnard Castle exception will just add more harm to the damage done by Dominic Cummings in the summer. Before throwing up their hands and giving it up altogether because no one in Downing Street ever pays attention in time anyway to avoid disaster.

Tiers and beers – Wetherspoons beer mats are “substantial meals” says Downing Street

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A MEATY MAT : GREAT NEWS for patriotic publican Tim Martin today with the confirmation by government that his beer mats count as a substantial meal if “consumed as a main”.

“It follows on from their use for years now as a clear and precise source of public information about Brexit,” a Department of Health aide told LCD Views, “when you hold one there is so much to chew over. The only real issue is whether they’re better with red or brown sauce? Or perhaps an English aioli? I mean, a bucket of sawdust for throwing on the floor when you vomit them back up.”

To capitalise on the regulatory win it’s understood that Mr Martin is in his lab personally cooking up a range of new flavours.

“Christmas themes will likely feature heavily. Turkey mostly, the voting variety. Brussels sprouts – well, English shoots, there the ones with a picture of a pistol and a foot on them. And sovereignty flavour. Eat as many of those as you can stuff in. And if you have trouble swallowing one of those Mr Martin will personally come to your table in full hazmat and force it down you like a foi gras goose.”

Of course it’s not just the mats you can order as a main.

“We don’t have any scotch eggs. We’re letting the gastropubs, and their imitators deal in them. But you will be able to order urinal cakes. Any square of any carpet in any of our establishments as a main. But maybe it’ll be better to save those to enjoy like a cheese and cracker board after the beer mat and urinal cake. If you get one of the carpet squares near a corner table they taste just like cheddar.”

Celebrity Special – Philip Green chosen to front CV-19 vaccine campaign “Top Shot”

WHEN ONLY THE BIGGEST PRICK WILL DO : MATT HANCOCK IS TO TAKE TO THE PODIUM LATER TODAY TO ANNOUNCE A WORLD BEATING BRITISH FIRST IN THE FIGHT AGAINST COVID-19.

However, the latest twist in the Covid-19 tale in the UK, the looming vaccine, is certain to cause some concerns in certain demographics.

“The vaccine uptake maybe especially low in groups like ‘Friends of serving Tory ministers’,” an aide to the Health Secretary told LCD Views, “it’s easy to imagine many in a group like that discouraging vaccine uptake out of concerns it will stop raining money daily in exchange for dodgy, or often on-existent PPE. Well, presumably they’ll pay for the vaccine privately the moment it is administered. But saying one thing and doing another is a modern Conservative trait. So…”

So moves are being taken to encourage the public to get pricked.

“To this end we are enlisting celebrities to help us convince the British public that not dying alone in isolation in intensive care after weeks spent struggling to breathe is actually a good thing.”

But what celebrities will feature?

“The winners of the business world are likely to have the greatest cut through, especially with aspiring owners of major department stores. So we’ve enlisted Philip Green. When he’s not on his yacht in Monaco that is.”

The world (and pension fund) beating billionaire will be part of the initial launch of the campaign.

“Top Shot is the favoured handle of the persuasive campaign,” the aide suggests, “And Mr Green will go around the country being a complete prick, just like the needles that will distribute the vaccine.”

Will he have any special training to do this?

“Clearly that’s not needed. Just look at his business career. Being a big prick comes naturally.”

Mark Francois to lead The Army into battle against Covid

MARK MY WORDS: The government’s go-to solution for every problem is being wheeled out yet again. The Army will lead the fighting in the War On Covid, and who better to lead the cavalry than Little Mark Francois?

Operation Mincemeat, as this initiative has tentatively been named, will commence immediately. Or in other words, on Thursday. Or Friday. Or maybe Saturday, just after closing time. Or Sunday. No, leave it until Monday, because everybody knows that Covid doesn’t work at the weekend.

Unfortunately, there is no sign yet of the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander. The thick-as-Operation-Mincemeat Francois is still Missing In Action, or maybe AWOL. He is sayin’ nuttin’ and layin’ low. Even the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford have no idea where the tubby Territorial has got to.

Still, that is no hindrance for one of “Classic” Dom Cummings’ SuperPlans. The SuperForecaster, who SuperForecasted the need for a second lockdown a mere five weeks after SAGE recommended it, has never let practical concerns stand in the way of achieving His objectives.

Indeed, so urgent is the need for a lockdown and martial medicine that the latest skirmishes will not commence until the back end of the week. The stated reason, to paraphrase the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander himself, is because if Covid refuses to cooperate this time, then he will be obliged to pass the matter upstairs to Cummings, and Covid won’t like that, not one little bit.

The utter absence of visible leadership has characterised the current government’s world beating success. The UK is top of the league for infection rates per capita, and also for preventable deaths. This enviable success has led to a stronger, fitter, healthier population (if somewhat reduced in number), which is ideal preparation for the shortages of food, medicine, fuel and so forth come January.

Alas, there will inevitably be casualties of war, as the Crime Minister might as well have said. If, sadly, you die of Covid, then you take your Covid to the grave, and then who has the last laugh? We will remember them, virtue signalling with a Covid poppy, followed by an allegedly socially distanced booze-up at the local ‘Spoons.

Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.

Mark Francois discovered hiding up his own backside

MISSING IN ACTION: Little Mark Francois, everyone’s favourite pocket-sized tinpot general, rentagobshite, and sometime MP for the nether regions of Essex, has finally been discovered. His absence was viewed with relief in some quarters, but fears for his safety finally prompted a search.

ReMarkably, Francois was found to be hiding up his own backside. Medical experts and quacks from around the world described his condition as being unstable and contradictory, which is actually quite normal for Essex.

The condition has been given a Latinate name: Smuggus Intolerablia. The only known cure is a large dose of humility.

By purest coincidence, Francois disappeared from public view as soon as allegations of rape were made against an unnamed Tory MP. It can’t be Francois, as he has most certainly been named.

“There’s not a lot we can do,” admitted Doctor Hedda Parse. “Humility is beyond the budget of the NHS. The only option left to us is to take one end each, and pull.”

We wondered if the unfortunate Francois would, in future, be known as SkidMark.

“I think that’s almost inevitable,” Dr Parse said, sadly. “These incidents are rare, but not unheard-of, and some kind of staining is bound to occur.”

He will be a Mark-ed man. The operation was about to begin, so everyone donned out-of-date PPE, crossed their fingers, and took their positions.

“On your Marks!” called Dr Parse, as the pullers struggled to get a handhold on some portion of Little SkidMark. “And take the weight… hold him steady… now, on my Mark.. Pull!”

But it was to no avail. Gently the pullers pulled, but Francois retreated ever further up his own fundament.

“Confronting a sufferer with the reality of the situation often makes the double down,” said Dr Parse. “Or double up, in this case.”

They tried, again and again, before admitting defeat.

“It’s no use,” said Dr Parse. “We’re going to need a bigger arsehole.”

Covid-19 accused of not following the science

WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF EXPERTS: Health Secretary Matt Hancock has blasted covid-19 for not behaving in the correct manner. It has continued to infect people, despite the government’s best efforts to restrict its progress by opening pubs, shelling out huge amounts of money on ancient spreadsheets, and flouting its own regulations.

The post of Health Secretary is a poisoned chalice at the best of times. And Hancock perseveres knowing full well that Boris Johnson is the one who poisoned it.

Johnson himself is caught in his own web. Like covid, he had failed to follow The Science, which advised a short, sharp lockdown to control the spread of the virus and identify sufferers. Now Labour is suggesting he does precisely that. So Johnson must choose between proving himself an uncaring liar, or agreeing with Keir Starmer.

Devil? Deep blue sea? Nobody knows which way Johnson will go. Except everyone knows he will never agree with Starmer on principle. Johnson is quite possibly contemplating the disappearing act performed by runty little no-Mark Francois.

What does covid have to say about all this? Nothing, that’s what, and the silence speaks volumes. It’s a damning indictment, in that it refuses to defend its indefensible behaviour. However a couple of rogue viruses were discovered in a car, having travelled from London to Barnard Castle, despite The Science telling them that it was safer to go to the pub.

“I was only testing my eyesight,” claimed the first virus, slightly shiftily.

“Blimey! A talking virus!” responded its partner.

So that’s completely clear.

The publicity this event has generated has led to a second wave of viral infections. Meanwhile The Science is being changed like a nappy, and waiting for the next load of bullshit and a painful rash.

We have reached an amber light at tier 2 level 4 where R is more or less than 1, which means stay home, stay safe, check, change, reboot. Or not, if you don’t want to. Stay alert.

Tim Martin to replace SAGE in order to avoid second national lockdown

LOCK-IN IS THE ORDER : WORLD LEADER Boris Johnson requires the best advice if he is ever going to wrestle that invisible CV-19 mugger to the floor.

And while some so called scientists appear to be handwringing over the sheer testicular effort needed to do the required wrestling, not our BoRiS. He’s total balls. If only he could find them. It must be the fault of the girly swots, unmanning a hitherto unstoppable lothario of sound governance.

So to ensure Johnson makes the right moves at the right time he’s made a significant change to SAGE today.

“Whitty thought he was so funny, constantly handwringing and worrying about mortality rates,” a 10 Downing Street adviser told LCD Views, “how is anyone going to have a good time with that stick in the mud around? How is Johnson supposed to enjoy being PM if people keep boring him with detail? And don’t even mention exponential to us. Exponential contracts awarded to mates of Tory MPs is the only runaway number we’re worried about.”

If you can’t make hay while the Covid shines when can you? Well, Brexit will certainly see a need for contracts for completely unforeseen calamities dished out too. But that’s for tomorrow. Today is viral.

“And today is the time to act. So Whitty and the other long faces are out of SAGE,” the advisor beams, “and Tim Martin is in! There’s no surer way of avoiding the harm a second national lockdown will bring except by turning the whole of the U.K. into a Wetherspoons lock in. We’ll even be issuing the new Covid-19 advice on beer mats from here on in. Get in!”

Dominic Cummings to spend day editing 1992 blog predicting win for Biden in 2020 US election

HINDSIGHT IS 2020 : BRITAIN’S RULER AND FAMOUS SUPERFORECASTER, DOMINIC CUMMINGS, has announced he is to spend the day predicting the future, from the past.

The announcement was made via an update to a 2014 blog about regulatory standards in hydraulic lift manufacturing, as viewed through the window of ‘The Book of Kells’ and how the wisdom inherent in the ancient texts determines the best speed of fluid intake and outflow.

The 1992 blog which he will ‘update’ today will allow Mr Cummings to predict Joe Biden’s electoral win the November 2020 US presidential campaign.

“It’s not so much a blog,” one of our historians reveals, “as a page in the diary he was keeping back in 1992. Before his unexplained years in post-Soviet Russia. But a blog by any other name is still a blog, isn’t it? I’m sure we can find the answer to that in the 2011 blog he will update next week.”

The motivation for the latest edit to his entirely reliable writings is believed to give Tory MPs the upper hand as they seek to forge links with the potential Biden administration, after weeks of trashing the same on social media.

“Joe will be deeply flattered to know that Dominic was already focused on his potential at a time when most where looking elsewhere,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but just like the progress of Brexit trade talks and the viral pandemic currently going at tantric speeds in the UK, Dom saw it all coming.”

And so long as it remains possible to go back and edit a blog post he will have predicted it.

Public blamed for pursuit of herd immunity

HERD IT ON THE GRATEVINE : BORIS JOHNSON is to intervene in the pandemic, being rashly enjoyed by the British people again, with words of advice.

It is hoped his personal intervention will bring clarity. We have received an advance copy of the final draft of the speech.

“Pretty much all year the British people have played around with this virus as if it’s not really that dangerous,” the PM is expected to say in a live, televised broadcast, “which it isn’t. Unless you all get it at once. Or you’re in an at risk group, or you’re just bloody unlucky.”

He’s right.

“This has made it very difficult for me to enjoy my time as your prime minister. Some days I feel as if I am the Cyclops desperately attempting to purchase a monocle, before departing on my autumn holidays in some sunny clime, wrapped in a golden fleece. Only to find myself marooned in a store selling contemporary sunglasses. This must stop.”

So far so food.

“For too long you have all treated this virus as if it’s simply a convenient way to loot the state’s coffers and increase the power of the executive. I can not tell you how irresponsible this is. It’s as if you all think you won’t notice the crippling impact of Brexit if you just stay sick?”

We’re really letting him down.

“I don’t want to order anyone to change their behaviour. In fact it’s almost impossible for me to believe anyone would act in the interests of other people. This is because I am incapable of such behaviour. But you simply must stop following my advice. In fact if you do not I will have to put what few remaining soldiers we have left, after a decade of ill considered austerity, onto the streets.”

All very sensible. It all makes complete sense.

“So I urge you now. I implore you. You must stop your reckless pursuit of herd immunity. I must be allowed to enjoy my time as your prime minister. This job is supposed to be fun. You are ruining it for me. I don’t want to call you all selfish. I want to call you pathetic little worms crawling about underneath Dom’s feet. But I can’t. So I won’t. By the way I am like a big, hungry caterpillar which Dom has put on an apple. This all makes sense.”

Complete and total sense.

“And I commend this speech to the house. We’re finished aren’t we? It’s my nap time. I’m not entirely sure which house I am commending this speech too. It depends who I’m shagging on any given day of the week.”

It’s hoped the broadcast will go viral. We can all feel safer now that the prime minister has given a speech.