Britannia rules the second wave, bellows patriot

BEHIND THE MASK: We didn’t need masks when Britain was Great, says the UK’s leading patriot. Britannia rules the waves, and will now rule the second wave.

“Yeah, we don’t need you and your snowflakey European rules, Mr Guy Ver-whatsisname,” thundered Nigel Farage. “Britons never, never, never shall be slaves to your cosy single market and your undemocratic customs union! We had an empire once, you know!”

Farage swelled like the pathetic puffed-up popinjay he is.

“We want – no, demand – our country back!” he continued, warming to his theme. “We don’t want namby-pamby face masks, it’s a little virus not bloody nerve gas! We never had covid in the good old days, when you could go to the pub, smoke 40 full strength untipped ciggies, drink a skinful, and drive home to claim your conjugal rights!”

The virus threat was pooh-poohed by the boo boo in the doo doo.

“It’s just a sniffle!” he coughed, repeatedly. “This talk of a second wave is extremely tasteless. I can’t taste anything! They kick up a stink yet I don’t smell anything! It’s time to ditch the mask! I’m spreading the virus… I mean the news… Anyone got any cough medicine?”

After all, Nigel Farage and Brexit are all about deeply misplaced nostalgia. “We want a Britain before safety matches, safety belts, safety everything. No more nanny state! Open fires, dodgy wiring, home brew made from dandelions! That’s the Britain we want back!”

The good old days. That’s what they want back. Warm beer, matrons cycling home from evensong. Women murdering husbands with frozen legs of lamb, and serving it up to the coppers afterwards. PC gone mad? The only PC they want is the bobby on the beat. Until Boris Johnson and his chums sacked them all.

Rule, Britannia? With a world beating second wave hotly anticipated, Britons would rather die horribly than be slaves to anyone trying to do them a favour.

Government adopts “Zero Covid” strategy – numbers will be so massaged no one officially dies of Covid

A PLAGUE IN ALL THE HOUSES : The U.K. is set to be the first country ON EARTH where no one dies of Covid-19 anymore.

“Don’t let them mention New Zealand, you can’t trust their figures,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if they keep reporting no Covid-19 it’s a language issue. The accent. The U.K. will be the first country thanks to the latest Downing Street initiative. And we did it without all the handwringing by regional governors that’s going on in the colonies.”

The initiative is believed to have been thought up by none other than hardworking, dedicated, overworked, totally committed, never resting prime minister Dominic Cummings.

“Cummings interrupted his special advisor’s Scottish holiday to thrash out the details in a conference call with over promoted, confused school boy Matt Hancock. It’s really ironing out a problem in the way CV-19 death stats are recorded in the U.K.”

And while our report is definitely a scoop, the initiative is actually building on statistical work already completed.

“The change to denying reality if someone dies of Coronavirus more than 28 days post diagnosis has achieved a lot for us, politically. And virtually no one has challenged us. This is great. Under the old way of recording actual lives lost to our shambolic herd immunity experiment 92 people would have joined the stats yesterday. But with 28 day rule only two did. This is an example of following the science. The PR science.”

But how will the new way of recording achieve zero deaths in a month?

“From now on each day we will tighten up the criteria. Today only people diagnosed with Covid-19 and dead within 27 days will join the big number in the sky. Tomorrow 26 days, and so on. It’s the right step at the right time to get people back into the office and kids back at school. There, under our recording system, they’ll be safe, and their parents and the staff, because within days it will be impossible to die of CV-19 within the U.K.”

World beating.

Mask on/Mask off – Michael Gove not required to wear mask as “only humans breathe out CV-19”

DROWNING STREET : 10 DOWNING STREET has sought to eliminate the confusion regarding where masks should be worn to prevent the preventable spread of Covid-19.

How the public became confused isn’t yet clear, with some unfairly saying it’s the government’s fault.

To clear things up they have allowed a representative from Michael Gove’s home planet to speak on their behalf.

“We here on Planet Void breathe through our skins,” Zeetabroid 9F told LCD Views, “so whether or not guidelines [to halt the CV-19 pandemic] have been changed, in reaction to the Minister for the Cabinet Office purchasing a sandwich without a mask, is not important.”

The spokesman from the Planet Void went on to comment on how ridiculous the furore looked from afar.

“What value do you place on human life? Especially the lives of people you don’t know? It must be pitiably more than we do, or we wouldn’t have sent you Gove. And may I take the opportunity to say what a wonderful job he has done. Along with his cousin, Classic Fumblefinger, known to you as Dominic Cummings, they’ve left a trail of destruction since they began education reforms a decade ago. They really did land on their feet finding that class idiot Johnson to use, all twenty seven of their feet.”

Although there was a note of sadness in the alien’s report.

“We’re pleased to say Gove will remain on Planet Earth until his work is completed. And his work will never be completed. Mwahahahahaha.”

The note of sadness is of course the deadened tone in the hearts of humans hoping that Gove will one day return home.

We are opening the pubs because alcohol kills the virus, says Matt Hancock

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE: Unhealthy Secretary Matt Hancock has made one of the great intuitive leaps we have come to expect of libertarian regimes. Alcohol kills the virus, the argument goes. Pubs sell alcohol. Therefore opening pubs is a good idea during a viral pandemic.

Thirsty people up and down the country are desperate to escape their other halves and get blind drunk with their mates. Now there’s the added bonus of a miracle cure.

There is a word of caution, though. Hancock took to the airwaves to clarify Boris Johnson’s weak plea not to over indulge.

“The cure works better the more alcohol you consume,” he advised. “Hand sanitiser is about 80% proof. So you need to drink enough to make your blood alcohol level the same strength.”

This is not a problem for the die-hard alcoholics, but what advice does Hancock have for the rest of us?

“Stick to hard spirits,” he said. “No mixers or water or any of that weedy rubbish. Drink it straight, and drink a great deal of it. Do your patriotic duty. Protect the virus, control the NHS, or whatever the fuck this week’s message is. Drink for Britain!”

Alcohol impairs decision making and reduces inhibitions. What measures are being taken to ensure social distancing and sensible consumption?

“Did you not hear?” he said, incredulously. “Going to the pub cures the virus, so there will be no need for social distancing. What is more, our new Pub Tsar, Tim Wetherspoons, will refuse to let anybody leave a pub while they are still capable of doing so.”

Emergency supplies of industrial strength, weapons grade Russian vodka are being made available, in case punters try to leave pubs before sufficient inebriation has occurred.

And although pub toilets will remain closed, every pub will be given a memorial so that satisfied customers may urinate next to it.

Let’s send kids back to school to see if it’s safe, suggests man who takes his kid for a drive to test his eyes

PETRI DISH KIDS : As the world waits for British leadership to see it through the Covid-19 crisis, many British people themselves are concerned with more domestic concerns, secure in the confidence that lesser countries will take lessons from where we go. They do not have Dom and Dum, and that is their own doing.

“The Commonwealth countries? All they have to do is learn from our example,” Tory MP A Lackey told LCD Views, “they’re putting up a good show of getting along without us, but that’s just playing to domestic audiences. What I am concerned about, what the government is concerned with is not appearances, but the awarding of contracts to big name corporate brands. What a perfect time to shift public funds back to where they belong. Did I say that? I mean, the health and welfare of children.”

To this end the Department for Education has been ordered to prepare schools to reopen, and begin readmitting British students to British schools.

There is absolutely no chance that this desperate attempt to keep up with the Joneses, on an international scale, will have to be revised. And further examples that managing a public health crisis like a PR emergency will see more plague pits dug.

The closing of a hospital in Somerset to new patients, because it’s stuffed to the gills with Covid-19, is not a warning.

“You can imagine the anxiety our European neighbours must be feeling,” Mr A Lackey said, “busily opening back up their communities, a little hastily, desperate to prove they don’t need our leadership. Why they would make a public health crisis about Brexit I am not sure. Managing well without us are you? Run along. Presumably it’s to do with the quality of education they receive? You get what you pay for.”

But we on this green and pleasant isle need worry not about what others are doing, we must look to our own children.

The fact that Finnish children start school much older, and top the world tables, is not an argument that a few months of school missed due to the plague can not be rectified over the years to come.

“We have to trust in the leadership of Boris and Dom,” Mr A Lackey reassures, his eye on a junior cabinet post, “any man clever enough to test his eyes by taking his four year old for a drive, wouldn’t take a greater chance with the children of people he doesn’t know. Back to school we go! Where the infection rate goes, nobody knows!”

We will soon find out if it was the right decision. Children. Your country needs you! Well, most of you. Whoever survives. But in the interim at least Boris Johnson can pretend he’s got everything under control.

Driving to Durham and dancing to Abba are covid symptoms, says government

In a crucial breakthrough, the government has revealed further symptoms of covid-19. Travelling to northern cities and enjoying cheesy 70s music are now considered to be diagnostic.

It seems that the crippling nature of the disease has been overstated. A totally reliable Downing Street source, completely unconnected to top scientist Professor Dominic Cummings, has confirmed that sufferers can drive over 200 miles with no ill effects. Furthermore, dancing, although embarrassing if caught on video, is a harmless side effect. Indeed it is believed to be efficacious, particularly if done to the music of Abba.

It also gives you renewed strength for the long drive back again.

It is certainly a more likely story than the rumours that covid-19 is a deadly fatal disease. 

So, all in all, it is very strange that so many people claim to have died from it.

Some people, who are probably subversives working against the government, have claimed that the whole affair is a cover story for Classic Dom taking a cheeky vacation. Number Ten denies that anything happened at all, so that is the end of it.

Meanwhile, The Science has been updated overnight. New guidelines have been issued, which recommend that anyone feeling like going for a long drive, or dancing to music, should take 14 days’ holiday, sorry, quarantine, in a location of their choice immediately.

The knock on effect at sunny beaches on the south coast has been immediate. Indeed, many holidaymakers, sorry, sufferers, anticipated the change in official guidance and headed for the seaside last week.

Incomers have been advised to create their own socially distanced space on the beach. Unfortunately most people have disregarded this advice, since it was only advisory and nobody takes any notice of advisory advice if they don’t want to. Personal freedom is important, but a line in the sand has been crossed. Many times.

We’re all going on a summer holiday with Dom the Dancing Queen.

Follow The Politics, scientists told

We’ve had enough of experts: once again, this core principle is guiding our government. The scientific community is being told that The Science is wrong, and that they should pay more attention to the political climate than the world climate.

But it’s not just climate change. Politicians are getting twitchy about continuing to pay good public money to deserving people, thanks to scientific advice. They don’t like the advice, so the advice must be wrong. Instead, scientists must adjust their parameters to suit the ideology of their paymasters.

LCD Views was unfortunate enough to speak to this week’s Chief Scientific Adviser, Dr Petra Dysh.

“My advice must fit the science,” confirmed Dr Dysh, sellotaping a covid-19 testing kit together. “Or indeed, the advice should inform the science. It’s the same thing, as everybody knows.”

I’m not sure that follows necessarily. What qualifications do you have?

“I have a PhD!” sneered Dr Dysh. “My doctoral thesis was described by my supervisor as a work of sheer beauty!”

Ok, but, out of interest, what was the thesis about? And who signed it off?

“You dare question a government adviser?!” she said archly. Silence. She waited. We waited longer. Finally, she succumbed to temptation. “My thesis was entitled ‘The deployment of lab coats, spectacles and test tubes to project the impression of impeccable scientific credentials’. Professor Cummings was highly impressed with it!”

We might have known. Classic Dom. The University of Tufton Street. It all makes sense now.

“My job is to provide the correct science!” insisted Dr Dysh. “And if the results don’t agree with the ideology, then clearly there had been a mistake with the science, and further experiments must be conducted until alignment is achieved.”

Sounds like your thesis contained a module on bullshitting as well.

In other words, science should now follow the politics. Causation means correlation, black means white, and the stench of dead cats grows ever stronger.

New Covid-19 plan – public told to trust other people’s common sense

VIRAL RAMP UP : As the used blonde mop (upturned and given human form by a God – smart money is on Loki) of U.K. governance struggles to clean away the mess it’s created, the public have been given fresh advice.

“Trust in your common sense and you may not die.”

This is all very well and good, but what about other people’s common sense? We all know all common sense is created equal, but some common sense is more equal than others.

“There’s the rub,” Professor Two Cents told LCD Views, “pretty much everyone is convinced they have sufficient common sense. Most are correct. But some stick household items up their bum.”

The inappropriate storing of household items isn’t the only clue that trusting to common sense will help control the Coronavirus.

“We also keep seeing complete and utter clowns re-elected to government. Time after time. Take the Home Secretary. A prime example. Gets busted running a private foreign policy agenda. Gets re-elected. Where’s the common sense in that? You get the government you deserve, which is a strong counter argument to the new advice. So I will personally be taking this new advice with a pinch of salt.”

Common sense says don’t do what BoRiS and chums do or say?

“That’s just basic common sense, day after day.”

Common sense, let’s hope it’s as infectious as Covid-19, because it is apparently a pillar of viral control in the U.K. now.

Common sense says that’s nonsense.

Street parties held to celebrate holding of annual Darwin Awards in English towns

STUCKHOME SYNDROME : Not content with topping the league tables on the European continent for CV-19 pandemic mortality, the merry people of little England had an additional reason to celebrate yesterday.

“It’s a good thing our Churchill tribute act compared the killer virus to a mugger,” one cheerful reveller told LCD Views, “if I’d grasped the basic reality of viral transmission I may have been too scared to come out and party. But where are you safest from a mugger, if not in a crowd of your neighbours?”

And many seemed to share the upbeat outlook as plastic patriot Union Jack bunting was hung from picket fences and the fizzy pop sparkled and burst like a human cell exploding with busy little viral cells breeding patriotically.

“I’m especially proud of how many ‘Honourable Mentions’ we’re getting in the Darwin Awards,” another participant told LCD Views, momentarily stepping out of the backdraft of Covid-19 in a socially distanced conga, “it’s nice that people who’ve (bafflingly) managed to breed also get a nod.”

NHS staff were said to be upbeat and feeling especially needed as footage of the revelry was broadcast by a smiling BBC. Two weeks from yesterday they’ll be feeling just as needed as they were today, or two weeks before today.

“It’s not so bad, lockdown,” a party goer said, “if you can get out on the street and raise a glass to your neighbours to celebrate potentially winning a Darwin Award? Amazing. I may never have to return to the office again.”

There were of course some critics, but in batshit crazy Britain we don’t listen to the gloomsayers. And it’s fair to say that England especially made it one foot closer to not only the grave, but the mythic victory of herd immunity yesterday.

“My grandfather would be so proud,” a final celebrant mused, “when he waded onto the beach to defeat fascism, if only he could have had a vision of his descendants three quarters of a century later? Out doing the conga in the middle of a pandemic? Just imagine that. The rest of Europe can only look on and wonder.”

“NHS” Covid-19 tracking app discovered to log onto social media for you and write “I love you Boris!”

TO WHAT END : The government, whatever that is these days, is pushing hard for the good citizens of the Isle of Wight to download and use the new “NHS” track and tracing app.

The app, which has not been developed by the NHS, but rather by data mining chums of Dom, is keen to know what you’re doing and to help you beat cold and flus.

“You do this by taking individually sensitive personal information and storing it in a mass database to better understand how to politically manipulate the voting public,” a pot plant*, which claims to have a good understanding of the motivations of the developers, was heard whispering in the Covid heavy breeze, “the early adopters will be reassured to know it also boosts their social media presence. It does this by cloning their accounts hundreds of times and getting involved in threads about the virus.”

Which highlights one of they key benefits of the app.

“If you’re too busy with homeschooling to go onto Facebook and type in “I LOVE YOU BORIS! YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB WITH COVID-19!”, the app can do it for you.”

Plans are also underway to upgrade the app so that it can publicly shame neighbours who don’t clap when required.

“If you know a single mother on your street with a few kids, you know she’s likely to forget to clap because she’s too knackered by 8pm. The app can shame her for you on your local social media groups.”

Why single out single mothers?

“Because the prime minister fears them,” the pot plant shrugged, “and he should know, he’s made enough of them.”

Download the app today and leave your social media accounts alone, the app will get your posting done.

*the views expressed by the pot plant are entirely its own.