Study finds compulsive social media use would not be so toxic if world wasn’t run by total bastards

LCD Views can report today on the findings from the University of Digital Society, based in Plymoth, after their short lived research into the potential toxicity of social media abuse concluded.

“To be honest we didn’t crunch much data,” Professor Facepamphlet, Snapwaffle Department, told our pseudo-science correspondent, Dr Twatter, “it wasn’t necessary. It’s blindingly obvious what the problem is.”

Professor Facepamphlet, not everyone is an expert in the field of social media, in spite of being heavy consumers, would you care to illuminate?

“Hang on. I just liked an article on a new type of plug for [Ed. water] butts and now the ad placements in my timeline are a little eye catching! Just let me click on the link…”

Do you think that’s wise?

“Good point. I’ll wait till later.”

So what’s so blindingly obvious about the toxicity of over consumption of social media?

“Isn’t it obvious?”

OMG. Are you sure you’re not tenured to the University of Life?

“What? Sorry, I was distracted by an article covering Donald Trump’s latest fascist rantings. He’s not even pretending anymore. It’s terrifying. What the actual America? How bad does he need to get before you act to remove him?”

I think we can work out what the problem is without waiting for you to tell us.

“Excuse me? What was the question? I was reading an article embedded in another article about Theresa May’s psychological profile and how it impacts badly on her governing style.”

It’s because social media is many people’s main news source these days and these days, at least in certain countries that were supposed to be great examples of democracy, bastards are running the show and that’s incredibly depressing.

“What? I was not reading about how the world’s leaders have actually committed to tackling climate change and world poverty together after a realisation that if they don’t we’re all going to hell in a handcart. By the time we’ve seen off Trump and Brexit we will have lost a lot of time and a lot of biodiversity.”

Professor Facepamphlet, thank you for your time.

“Sorry, did you say something? I’ve just received a friend request from a twenty year old girl in a bikini, who I’ve never met, which seems a little odd.”

Boris Johnson as PM computer simulation ends abruptly as computer says no

LCD Views is pleased to announce that our newly created pseudo science section has completed its first ever computer simulation and the result is monumental.

“We decided to focus on the next prime minister,” our Head Boffin says, “then we changed our minds and picked Boris Johnson.”

The simulation, which was run on a classic Amstrad computer picked up at a car boot sale, showed some surprising results.

”A baby boom in Westminster,” Head Boffin says, “like, wall to wall blonde babies. Which we expected. But we didn’t see the construction sector experiencing boom and bust as fast as the computer did.”

So lots of jobs were created?

”Yes. Mostly in the field of administration of bankruptcies, financial as well as moral. Oh, and great expansion in funding for the fire service to cope with pants fires on a prime ministerial scale.”

So what was built? Apart from crèches? And infernos?

”There was a half constructed Johnson Tower. The Thames was renamed Johnson Streams and half spanned by a half completed Johnson Bridge. It caught fire during construction and burnt down to the waterline. The footings are now a serious shipping hazard. There was also a war with numerous Latin American countries after some accidental comments by the prime minister, while he toured Trump’s half built fence wall.”

Was any project completed?

”No. Not even Brexit, as it’s not in his interests as prime minister. Although he did manage to construction a two hundred foot tall Johnson Statue, but it came to life and is currently touring the Peak District causing mayhem.”

So, the result of a Johnson premiership is just a smoking ruin? Even without Brexit?

”Yes, but the ruin at least, is complete. You could say he finished what he started. But the end result was the computer saying no.”

Clocks not sure whether to go forward or back this weekend

Clocks in the UK are suffering a major crisis. Brexit Day is here (or not) and it’s also the beginning of British Summer Time. Do we go back, and if so when, and by how many years? Or just stick to depriving everyone of an extra hour in bed on Sunday?

Clocks want the uncertainty to end. “The indecision is causing real suffering,” said grandfather clock Penn Dulumb. “It is impossible to do our jobs if we can’t even decide which year we want to be in. Clocks nationwide are a tightly wound bunch. We like letting things just tick over. Some of the more militant timepieces, like the car clocks, are refusing to change at all.”

We aren’t going forward to the past today. It might be 12 April, or 22 May, or some day yet to be imagined. We might go back 30, 50 or even 100 years. What is your opinion?

“I swing back and forth,” admitted Dulumb. “I don’t know, to be honest. The whole fiasco winds me up.”

Dulumb admitted to receiving delegations from various chronological factions. “All were desperate not to lose face,” he said. “Analogue clocks were anxious that digital watches might come back into fashion. Atomic clocks were worried that leaving Euratom would put them out of work. And the sundials, bloody fair-weather timepieces, demanded complete control but refused to take any responsibility.”

Dulumb commented that Brexit was like putting a small boy in charge of his father’s favourite watch. “Instead of running smoothly, it has been shaken around, dunked in the water and got clogged up with muck,” he moaned. “You don’t put a piece of fine workmanship in the hands of an irresponsible wrecker.”

The hour is upon us. Stop all the clocks. The timetable has been torn up, the main course has finished and there is no appetite for seconds. We can only conclude with the immortal words of Douglas Adams: Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.

10 Downing Street kitchen staff puzzled by epidemic of bent cutlery

The frenetic occupants of 10 Downing Street have been thrown a much needed lifeline today after a famous psychic offered to end Brexit for them.

“We’re cockahoop,” an aide to embattled lamest of lame ducks prime minister Theresa May told us, “We can just Revoke Article 50 now and say Uri Geller took over what’s left of May’s mind and made her do it.”

The way out must surely be welcome for an executive who bizarrely treated a score draw result in an opinion poll (and maybe not even that close when you factor in all the Leave EU lawbreaking) as an overwhelming mandate to leave the EU in whatever batshit crazy way the ERG MPs demanded May do.

”I’m a little suspicious that this isn’t Uri’s first intervention,” the aide said, “how else do you explain the bloody dementia tax in the manifesto that lost us the 2017 GE and led to May throwing a billion quid bung to those mentalists the DUP, just to stay symbolicly in office?”

But it’s not all roses in the garden at Downing Street after Mr Geller’s mind bending efforts.

”The kitchen staff are well puzzled by the epidemic of bent cutlery,” the aide added, “it’s not just spoons, it’s the whole lot, knives and forks also.”

Asked for comment on the collateral cutlery damage Uri Geller is reported to have shrugged and explained that the sheer amount of energy needed to break through the thick crust of stupidity that has grown on the walls inside 10 Downing Street is the only reasonable explanation. And added, do you want Brexit stopped or not? Go buy yourselves some new spoons and forks.

Mr Spock to mind-meld with Theresa May

It seems the people of the UK are willing to try anything to stop the absurdity that is Brexit. Now help has come from a very unexpected source, the crew of the Starship Enterprise.

“Well we actually arrived here – or should I say now – by accident,” Captain Kirk told the assembled reporters. “We were attempting to travel back further to erase Khan Noonien Singh from history. But we arrived here, and we found a number of things happening here in the 21st century don’t match our history books in the 23rd, where humanity has risen above such things. So we’re trying to set history to rights.”

As for how they are going to do this, well, they are being tight-lipped, however it is rumoured that Mr Spock is going to mind-meld with Theresa May to put a bit of logic into her brain. Whether it will be enough to put her on the right track is another matter.

“Human behaviour is highly illogical, especially at this period in history,” Mr Spock explained. “The current leadership in the developed nations has less logic than at any other time we have visited. We are not sure what has happened as yet. A Vulcan mind-meld has its limitations, I can show people the right course to take, but I cannot force them to take it. To quote your human proverb, I can lead a horse to water but not make him drink.”

When someone asked if he would also attempt a mind-meld with Donald Trump, Mr Spock’s features went noticeably pale. “Impossible,” he explained. “I cannot mind-meld with a being that has no mind to meld with.”

And if their plan doesn’t work?

“Well, Scotty’s working on fixing the time circuits to get us back to when we’re going,” Captain Kirk added, “so when we get there we can always try again at an earlier point in time.”

As Captain Kirk and Mr Spock ended their press conference, one of my fellow reporters called out to them, “may the force be with you!” which left them totally confused as they beamed back up to the ship.

We wish the crew of the Enterprise the best of luck in their attempt.

Will Self reveals his second super power is placing idiots in carbonite with just his gaze

LCD Views knows everyone has a super power and some people even have more than one.

“It was no surprise to us that Will Self has two,” our ‘look into my eyes’ correspondent reveals,

“we know he can put words after words in a super way, we’ve read ‘The Great Apes’, even if we don’t have the vocabulary to praise the book sufficiently, but we didn’t know he also has the super power to place idiots in carbonite freeze with just his gaze.”

The revelation of the second power came earlier this week when Will faced off against ERG blowhard and all round prize turd in a bowl, Mark Francois, live on TV.

”Mark was blatantly and disingenuously trying to misconstrue Will’s words about the likelihood of racists and anti-semites being Brexit voters,” our analyst observed,

“which was a mistake, as Will was still there. Perhaps Mark was unable to see past his sense of unjustified entitlement and exceptionalism to realise?

“Or maybe he was thinking about the German passport he’ll apply for, most likely, so he still has FOM if he is successful in stripping it off millions of his compatriots? It’s hard to say. Either way he was ill advised to say anything while Will was still there, barely two feet away.”

What happened next was the big reveal.

”Will fixed him with his superior gaze, superior based on having a brain, most are superior to the ERG foot soldiers in this way, and then he put him into the freezer,” our analyst adds, “it was quite something to watch. Francois just about managed to put his mug of dickhead juice down before he froze completely. I suspect he’s likely to stay that way. Although it’s unlikely to impact his neurological functions as he doesn’t have anyway.”

Requests for Will Self to meet the rest of the ERG, and their carbon copies on the Labour benches. and save the U.K. are currently underway.

Grayling Man – archaeologists name first man to set himself on fire after discovery of fire

Archaeologists from the Museum of Ancient Technology in Epsom have announced both the discovery, and the naming, of the first human believed to have set themselves on fire.

”We’ve been excavating a cave in Ewell for the last nine digging seasons and we are now certain that among many fascinating discoveries from pre-history is the charred and fossilised bones of the first man to accidentally set himself on fire,” Professor Billions-gone told LCD Views, “we have named the skeleton Grayling Man in honour of the current Secretary of State for Transport. In fact I am actually named after that genius of shifting public money into private coffers too.”

Identification of the circumstances surrounding the demise of ancient humans is often difficult to ascertain, as ancient people were crap at keeping detailed records, but not so in the cave in Ewell.

”The walls were initially heavily coated in the soot of ancient public expenditure scandals, but one day one of my colleagues accidentally head butted a wall after reading a news article about Chris Grayling’s ministerial career,” Professor Billions-gone explained, “the blow to the wall wasn’t sufficient to render her unconscious as hoped, but it was hard enough to crack the crust and reveal cave paintings preserved underneath.”

And it was the paintings that told the story of the blackened bones embedded in the floor of the cave.

”It’s essentially an ancient cartoon of Grayling Man,” The professor said, “he is pictured across a storyboard drawn and painted in ochre and desperation. We see him observing the discovery of fire closely and then almost instanteously catching fire, after ignoring the advice of those nearby. He is able to escape hands of people trying to douse him in mammoth urine and basically runs about setting everything he touches ablaze,

”It appears to be both an easily foreseen and completely avoidable calamity for the tribe. Much like the career of current Frank Spencer of British politics.”

Chinese New Year Boriscopes

Cripes, only our inscrutable Chinky (What?! Rowan will defend me!) chums would have their New Year in the middle of February! Here goes!

Rat (1924, 1936 etc.): Rats get a bad press. Actually, they are very useful, and with Brexit on the horizon, I predict that Rats will thrive. To the sewers!

Ox (1925, 1937 etc.): Conversely, a bad year for Oxen. You are doomed to be beasts of burden after the petrol runs out, and when you fall down they will eat you. To the slaughterhouse!

Tiger (1926, erm, well you get the idea): Tigers are good economists, and will happily eat uneconomic wasters. Kill or be killed. You’re grrrreat! To the jungle!

Rabbit (work the rest out for yourselves): Run, Rabbit Run! You don’t stand a chance of escaping from the starving masses who are dismayed to find the shelves at Lidl empty. To the burrow!

Dragon (yada yada yada): You are the most natural Brexiters of all. You hoard gold and leave a trail of destruction everywhere. I’m a Dragon, of course. Huzzah! To the Houses of Parliament!

Snake (hips): In the grass, or around the Tree of Knowledge, you are a natural politician. To the Flying Circus!

Horse (voice): Get to work, you boring creature. You are just like the Ox, only with more hair. So yucky that only the French would eat you. To the stable!

Goat (get one): Awkward buggers, probably Remoaners. And your cheese is vile. To the mountains!

Monkey (business): Wise, or not wise? Even an infinite number of you couldn’t come up with my autobiography. To the editing suite!

Rooster (booster): Cock of the walk, the early bird, and voted for Christmas. You’re stuffed. To the table!

Dog (tired): Phew, almost done, so I can trouser another £240,000. Noisy, loyal and obedient, you are the ideal minor parliamentarian. To the backbenches!

Pig (out): Snout in the trough, wallowing in filth, and uniquely tasty. Banned by Jews and Muslims, and typical gammon. To the Question Time audience!

Govey just told me it’s the year of the Flying Pig.

Nuff said. Mega lolzz!!!

Pass the Bolly!

Dominic Raab shocked to learn he’s a martian after reading title of a book

The women who live in Esher and Walton are on a steep learning curve today after their MP Dominic Raab read the cover of a famous book.

“I’m going to tell everyone,” a still shocked Raab told LCD Views, “just as soon as I have a lie down and absorb the information.”

The information he’s talking about was transmitted to Raab this morning when he looked into the window of a book store.

“I was looking for more props to put on a shelf behind me for a photo shoot, I’m the centrefold this month in ‘Thick Conservative Bullies’, and I thought, you know those things that make you look smart, what are they called? They’re made from trees that people have done mark making on? Um. Ah.”


“That’s it! Wow. I could learn a thing or two from you. But I won’t. Because I’m superior to everyone. Anyway. It was one of those tree things.”

The tree thing concerned was the famous work of Doctor John Gray, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, published on News Years Day, 1992.

“I’m a martian?! How could I not know this? Is it because Doctor Grey is a so called ‘grey’ alien? Secretly doing things on Earth without people noticing? Did he wipe my mind years ago? I’ll keep looking for answers and I’m definitely telling everyone I know what I’ve learned, because there’s absolutely no chance they knew it already.”

So that’s Dominic Raab’s to do list for today.

“Yes, telling all the women in my constituency that they are from Venus, just to see their minds blown, and then blowing the men’s minds too.”

Will you stay an MP, now you know you’re an extraterrestrial?

“I doubt it. I’ll probably do what other aliens do.”

And what’s that?

“Mess about with air traffic control systems and shove things up people’s bums.”

WTO no go it’s WHO rules UK

Global Britain woke with a start this morning at hearing an international tribunal has ordered the UK to begin trading under not WTO, but WHO rules.

“Who rules the UK? Really?” Doctor Fonzi Monee of the World Health Organisation wants to know, “until such a time as tests clarify where the virus riddling the UK body politic comes from, and how it spreads, then we have to take measures to contain the country.”

As part of the measures the entire country will be placed in a tend inside a secure, isolation room, normally used to contain highly infectious diseases such as Ebola and US style libertarianism.

“The sheer scale and size of the tent needed to cover an entire country, even one as relatively small land mass wise as the UK, is vastly expensive,” Doctor Monee says, “but it’s okay, the European Union is largely picking up the bill, partially out of concern for an irritating old friend in its imperial dotage, but also because the UK is paying for it by transfer of its manufacturing and services base to the EU.”

Further rules will apply during the period of confinement.

“No one will be allowed to physically touch the UK until it either dies or is cured,” Doctor Fonzi says, “although that’s actually measures already being brought into force by the prime minister and her cabinet out of a hope that showing hatred to foreigners will secure the support of a fraction of the electorate.”

But what can be done to cure the UK and allow it to interact normally once again?

The doctor shrugs.

“Physician heal thyself is now country heal thyself,” he advises, “hopefully some seriously strong alcohol and a lot of bed rest can eradicate yersini brexitus from the UK’s political bloodstream, but looking at the feckin’ idiots running both of the main UK political parties and how they keep smearing infected bodily fluids over each other, well, maybe symbolic, political amputation is the only cure.”