Democracy is everything! After the news broke about the prime ministerial baby, opinion polls went into overdrive to choose a name. The clear winner, with almost 52% of the vote, was Baby McBabyface.
Some say this is a stupid babe for a baby. Others argue that the name of a baby is nothing to do with the public. A few remainery types suggested that the full facts of the matter were concealed, so the vote was meaningless. Clearly the situation required clarification, so a reliably unreliable dissembler was pushed forward to make a statement.
“We don’t have a choice. The People have spoken, and we must respect their decision!” dribbled Michael Gove, casually shedding his skin. “This is a momentous day, in which we celebrate the abdication of all decision making to the Great British Public, while politicians get on with their real job of embezzling tax revenues and shagging tasty blondes.”
LCD Views was sceptical about all this, so we sent our Name Calling correspondent to interview Carrie Symonds.
How is Boris taking it?
“He’s a bit surprised, to be honest,” she said, glowing in a way that only a woman with severe morning sickness can. “He told me it wasn’t possible to have a baby once you are over 50.”
That only applies to the woman.
“Oh…” she replied, her face suddenly falling. “I didn’t know that!”
What about the sex?
“It’s wonderful, he’s so passionate and… Oh. You mean the sex of the baby, don’t you? Well, it doesn’t matter yet, they don’t start having sex until they are in their teens anyway.”
What about the public choice of Baby McBabyface?
“Oh, it’s wonderful, it’s unique,” she gushed. “I love it! I’m not sure about Boris, though. He goes around muttering things like ‘Chlamydia’ and ‘Syphilis’. I don’t like that sort of old-fashioned name, it’s the sort of name Jacob Rees-Mogg would choose.”
At this point both Carrie and our correspondent went to throw up.
Don’t be surprised if they eventually name the child Sir David Attenborough.