THE STRAIN OF JOHNSON : Testing times for Britons as scientists announce they have identified an even more severe strain of dithering at 10 Downing Street.
“We advise the public to stay indoors whenever possible,” lead researcher at the Institute for the Study of Kakistocracy told LCD Views, “this new mutant strain of prime ministerial dithering is even more infectious than the previous ones, and they were bad enough.”
Of course not everyone can take the precautions necessary to protect themselves against the mutant Johnson.
“If you work in the NHS we suggest you remember the claps of last spring and summer. It’s unlikely you’ll be offered anything else as the PM maybe too busy listening to his backers to worry about you. Except when he needs to play dress up in a medical setting.”
The more deadly dithering will also increase the risk for supermarket workers and public transport employees, as the enforcement of vital measures such as masks is not on the radar at Downing Street.
“If you have to of necessity be in lose contact with members of the public we advise you to hold your breath while on shift. It will do wonders for your ability to swim laps of pools underwater should the blessed day ever arrive that Brits can go overseas again.”
But one of the sectors most impacted by the dithering strain is of course education. Teachers were told to prepare for in class teaching and to additionally prepare mass testing regimes, and then abruptly told to do it all online.
“It’s okay. Eton is fine,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the rest of the children, the plebs? It’s really not that serious what happens to their education. You can tell that by Gavin Williamson being Education Secretary. I mean no one who cared about the sector would do that!”
There is one ray of hope though, as the vaccinations for CV-19 are currently being distributed.
“if you’re under 70 you should receive your vaccine before 2029. In the meantime just stay home and take comfort from the growing number of Union Jack flags behind the PM.”
Whether or not there will be a specific measure taken to deal with the dithering is down to the actions of the Tory Party. So everything is going to be just fine.