Questions asked after MP claims for 101 Dalmatian puppies on expenses claim

TOO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE : MPs expenses are back in focus today with the revelation that the Home Secretary Priti Patel has been claiming for hundreds of pounds worth of cupcakes, followed by advice from a dietitian. When you consider her income, that is not unreasonable, why shouldn’t we pay for her cupcakes?

Flags have also been an issue of fluttering interest, given that it is now obligatory for Tory MPs to wallpaper all their multiple homes with them. But few sticky beaks have bothered to look for details that reveal a softer side of any MP. Perhaps because the ‘Nasty Party’ is in power, perhaps because the public could do with unconscious bias training, re Tory MPs?

“Everyone should have looked closer at Priti Patel’s expenses,” a source in the Home Office told LCD Views. “They are very revealing and contain some surprises.”

The interview was one of the more difficult we have conducted remotely, due largely to the sounds of malevolent laughter in the background and underwear elastic being stretched to breaking point (replaying of the tape suggests the most likely origin of that sound was someone been given a wedgie by the Home Secretary).

“In particular look at the sheer volume of puppies she has claimed for! It is clear that she needs them to spread joy. Most likely she wants to wait on the beach and greet desperate new arrivals with something soft and fluffy, just like herself.”

The breed of the puppies does suggest a different mind at work though.

“Sure they’re Dalmatian puppies and that may lead you to think she is Cruella de Vil, but I’m sure a simple glace at her new bleeding heart policies for refugees will settle that question to anyone’s satisfaction.”

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