Royal Mail issues postage stamp listing all the honest statements made by the Prime Minister

DO NOT INJEST : THE ROYAL MAIL has weighed in today to assist Britain’s embattled personification of the Tower of Babel with a special collection of new stamps dedicated to the prime minister.

“The new stamps are in a special class of stamp created just to honour Boris Johnson,” a Royal Mail marketing whizz told LCD Views. “These are the first 10th class stamps we have ever issued. They’re pretty much useless.”

The stamps, which are smaller than the famous Penny Black, are the first blank postage stamps ever produced.

“There are rumours that the stamps aren’t blank but have the PM’s honest statements written on them in lemon or some other invisible ink. That is not the case. We have faithfully printed all of Boris Johnson’s honest statements on the stamps, as you can see for yourself.”

The reason for the creation of the special 10th class was also due to the unique nature of the man being honoured.

“His promises aren’t first class, his delivery isn’t even second class. We took inspiration from the monthly grand building project that Downing Street announces to distract from the many scandals accumulating about his cabinet. And the management of the pandemic is really not even 10th class. Unless you’re the actual virus, than I guess it’s first class.”

The stamps too will cost a pretty penny due to the rising costs of the paper they’re printed on.

“The paper for our stamps comes from France. Clearly there’s been some small inflationary pressures since Brexit got done.”

Fittingly also the stamps are not for international use and can only be used to send domestic letters and packages within England.

“You should think yourself lucky that they allow your letter to travel that far! The situation is under review. It maybe soon that you can only use them to send letters to yourself.”

The Boris Johnson stamp collection – in a class of its own, just like the man himself.

“Boris Johnson stole my toupee” – claims golden retriever called Trevor

GET OFF THE SOFA TREVOR : The over excited cocker spaniel of European politics, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, is facing yet another rolled up newspaper this morning after a disturbing accusation last night that he’s a very bad boy indeed.

The accusation centres on the location of a missing hairpiece belonging to a golden retriever called Trevor. We spoke to Trevor to test the validity of his claims, meeting with him this morning at his 1930’s semi-detached family home in a suburb he preferred was not named.

“I admit I shouldn’t have been where I was at the time,” Trevor began. “I was just over seven miles from home. But I was only out for my exercise, as is allowed under the current restrictions? I mean, I just did what any father would do?”

And it’s at that point we noticed the forlorn collection of puppies by the fireplace in Trevor’s living room. Huddled together for warmth and seemingly happy.

“They spend far too much time these days online playing Bollox, or whatever it is the pups are into now. But I don’t have the heart to limit their screen time in this tantric pandemic. Just so long as they’ve practiced going to the toilet on some newspaper first, and fetched at least one ball, a stick and my slippers. It’s not a free for all.”

But it seems for someone it is a free for all…

“I was at a park I would rather not name when he approached me. Shambling wreck of a man who was running or drunk. It was hard to tell. Or he may have been both, judging by his smell.”

But what makes Trevor certain it was the prime minister?

“He spoke to me in 80’s environmental cliches, something about treehuggers, and Ancient Greek. There’s only one person who thinks that is appropriate. I think I was supposed to be disarmed. He said he just wanted to pat my head. But as he lent down to do it the wind caught his hair and pulled it in all directions. It was obvious then that he was growing it long to cover over a spreading bald patch. It’s why he stole my toupee. His motivation being his mounting insecurity over his own virility.”

Downing Street has not responded to questions over the incident, either to deny or confirm.

“They’ll probably say he was miles away pretending to be a scientist or a doctor? Doing his usual thing of interrupting the work of vital public services instead of his actual job of running the country. But I know it was him. I think he needs to be stopped now before he strikes again. If it were down to me he’d already be listed under the dangerous dogs act.”

Monument to Matt Hancock’s achievements during pandemic placed on College Green

MATT THE APP : GREEN SHOOTS OF RECOVERY ARE ABUNDANT ACROSS ENGLAND’S PLAGUE RAVISHED LANDS TODAY WITH PLANS TO CELEBRATE THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR HEALTH MATT HANCOCK.

A monument to his achievements during the pandemic is to be installed on College Green so that future generations will know the titanic struggle undertaken by Britain’s greatest ever Health Secretary.

The taxpayer can rest easy too, as the brass statue is being paid for by subscriptions from friends and acquaintances of Mr Hancock who have received PPE contracts.

“The design of the monument is causing quite a stir,” Mr Cashfunnel, head of the committee responsible for the design, told LCD Views. “It is being made entirely of brass, as is traditional for monuments to great men, but it is rather modernist in design. Maybe even post-modernist. But I’ll leave it to the art critics to decide that. My speciality is limited to taking a paper cup factory out of administration and into the production of unusable medical tests. Oh and purchasing luxury houses.”

LCD Views have seen a sneak preview of the monument and we are going to break cover and reveal it is just a very big brass neck with a pair of rubber gloves for a head.

“We will be having the unveiling ceremony during the summer, before the next lockdown,” Mr Cashfunnel advises. “A spitfire fly past will be timed to be overhead just as the apron made out of a bin bag is drawn dramatically off the statue to reveal Matt’s innermost personality.”

But unusually for a bust there will be no eyes.

“That’s because they’re the windows to the soul, and ever since Mr Hancock invoked the war dead in his quest to become Tory leader, and then threw them under the bus to be Health Secretary, it’s clear the windows gaze into an abyss.”

Matt Hancock pays Dido Harding another £22bn to set up track and trace on Mars

MADE ROUND TO GO AROUND : PLANETS ARE ROUND. MONEY IS ROUND. MATT HANCOCK IS WELL ROUNDED. DIDO HARDING HAS SPENT HER CAREER GOING AROUND AND AROUND, FIRST THE RACE TRACK AND THEN THE CORPORATE BOARDROOMS. THE TWO WENT AROUND THE TEST AND TRACE SWEEPSTAKES TOGETHER AND NOW THEY’RE GOING AROUND AGAIN.

“Is the Loch Ness Monster actually on Mars? Is that why we can’t find it?” an aide to super duo Matt and Dido asked LCD Views. We don’t know why, it’s not like we’d know.

But discovering the answer maybe one of the fringe benefits of the latest evolution of the UK’s world beating Test and Trace wealth creation scheme for friends of Tory MPs.

“Matt has asked Dido to set up the gold standard Test and Trace network on Mars. It will be a global first. Britain, thanks to Brexit, will be showing the world how to track any pandemic you like on the Red Planet. It is expected to be up and running before anyone ever gets there!”

Who will do the actual testing and tracing isn’t entirely clear, as it will be carried out by a bewildering web of multi-nationals with no experience in the area, but great contacts in government.

“There will actually be performance standards written into the contract this time too. We’re responding to criticisms. We expect the new outsourced network to find as many, or maybe more, cases as they did in the UK over the course of the pandemic. So none. Ramped up nothing. Money well spent.”

But how much will this all cost?

“The landing craft will be the cheap part. We aim to come in at the same cost as NASA for Perseverance. So £2.5bn. A fraction of what Dido spent to set up the UK’s track and trace. Then it’s just another £22bn on top of the testing service and whacko! Mates of Tory MPs will be instant multi-millionaires all over again!”

Nice work if you can get it.

“It’s who you know.”

BBC to begin filming “A Very British PPE Scandal – Matt Hancock” in 2031

AUNTIE SCHTUM : Where lies thrive democracy dies, the political editors at the national broadcaster know this as well as you and I, which is why they are so keen to cover judgement on the PPE contract scandal, after the High Court slammed Health Secretary Matt Mancock.

Billions have been handed over the course of the pandemic by Matt and friends, sometimes to friends of Matt and friends. Is this any way to govern a representative democracy?

“We won’t stand for it. We’re livid. We have a duty to inform and we’re following through on it,” BBC political editor, Mr Tory Plant, told LCD Views. “Lesser, stupid publications like yourself will just mock the government for its apparent corruption, and six figure salary taxpayer funded so called journalists like me for bias. But you’re wrong.”

So wrong are we that the Beeb is planning to film a searing documentary on what Matt Mancock has done with all those tens of billions of public cash.

“We’re getting right on it. Just as soon as we finish wall to wall, 24/7 coverage of Harry and that American and their outrageous attempts to prevent a repeat of Diana’s story.”

We won’t have long to wait for the state funded broadcaster to cover the corruption at the heart of the cabinet and to demand not just answers, but resignations.

“It’s great to pay the public broadcaster’s journalists and executives salaries matching the commercial world. It buys us right into the status quo and we don’t even realise it!”

‘Matt Mancock – A Very British PPE Scandal’ is due to begin filming in 2031.

“That should be long enough for Johnson and his crowd to have cleared out of Downing Street and off into exile in South America. And once the UN peacekeeping force has successfully re-established peace in England, following the Kent border wars of the late 2020’s, we’ll get right on it.”

Remember when politicians used to resign when they ‘acted unlawfully’? Ha! Suckers! Know your place!

Liz Truss confirms U.K. has applied to join the MTP (Mars Trade Partnership)

TO INANITY AND BEYOND : Hungry Martians need no longer wait for quality British pork and cheese products after Galactic Trade Superhero Liz Truss announced she is going to let them trade with Galactic Britain.

It seems like only yesterday when Liz announced that she was going to allow the Earth based Pacific Trade Partnership accept her application to let them allow us into their club. With the cosmic winds now puffing her sails she’s reaching for the stars.

“Mars is an untapped market for British jams,” an aide to Truss told LCD Views. “It’s not just pork Liz wants to sally forth with, not just cheese in her smile, there’s also our high tech flag industry. Have you ever seen a Martian flag? That’s an untapped market right there that will be worth gazillions.”

And once the U.K. has successfully allowed the Martian Trade Partnership to invite the U.K. to join it’s guaranteed the engorged bloc will grow at rates the failing EU can only look to the heavens and pray for.

“It will take decades, potentially even centuries for the slow moving megalith of Europe to even open negotiations with Mars,” the aide notes. “By the time they begin planning to send an envoy Liz will already have successfully released a press release about a stellar agreement, to be confirmed and renegotiated in short order, with the frozen microbes that exist beneath the sands of the Red Planet.”

But it’s not all smooth sailing. No less a powerhouse than Foreign to Geography Secretary Dominic Raab is thought to be concerned about the overtures by his colleague.

That’s because he thinks the Red Planet is communist because of the ‘Red’, but we’ll just colour it pink on his map and he’ll believe in short order that it’s a far flung part of the British Empire. Give him a few days and he’ll be suggesting a military partnership giving the U.K. full control of the Milky Way.”

Health Secretary Hancock’s claim “entire British population of Mars” has now been vaccinated queried

HAND ON STAFF : THE INGERLISH HEALTH SECRETARY, MATT HANCOCK, has come in for some flak this morning after claiming that due to the successful landing of the NASA Perseverance Rover overnight on the red planet that the “entire British population of Mars” has now been fully vaccinated.

The health secretary made the otherworldly claim during a tearful turn on morning television.

“I’m just so proud. I want to thank the entire team at Downing Street for making this possible,” Mr Hancock said, tissue dabbing at tears. “British people on Mars can now go about their business as before. And it’s only year three of the pandemic.”

But critics have demanded clarification on the claim.

“One dose or two?” one prominent media figure correctly and justifiably demanded, before returning to his obsessive and baffling crusade against a former royal who lives on the other side of the world.

Others were demanding to know what the actual British population of Mars is? In order to correctly assess Hancock’s claim.

“I would suggest that those who are seeking to undermine the government’s achievements on Mars take a good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror,” Mr Hancock spat back, presumably because that query was made by a lady.

The prime minister Boris Johnson is also expected to capitalise on NASA’s achievements by having photos taken by the rover doctored to show him visiting a vaccination centre on Mars and interrupting an entire day’s vital public health work.

“Boris Johnson should see a nice boost in the polls from NASA’s efforts,” another commentator noted. “Because apparently you can have successive waves in a pandemic, while many countries haven’t, and still get a poll boost from the people left alive. Exceptional effort.”

Downing Street tight lipped over which minister rushed to A&E with flag pole up bottom

THE DEEPEST PATRIOTISM : 10 DOWNING STREET is under pressure today to reveal the name of the minister rushed to a central London accident and emergency department early this morning following an incident with a flag.

It’s believed the individual concerned suffered internal injuries, which are not thought to be life threatening, while preparing for a round of media interviews. The injury involved a Union Jack flag and pole.

“We request the media refrain from speculation over the identity of the minister involved and respect their privacy at this time.”

Some details however have been leaked and it is believed the minister “tripped and fell onto their flag pole while holding a block of butter in the shower during vacuuming of the flag so it wasn’t dusty for interviews that will be televised. The MP concerned was engaged in the standard patriotic preparation for media that all MPs are expected to undertake so no one can mistake how deep their patriotism is.”

Injuries involving flag poles in the home are becoming so frequent that 10 Downing Street is expected to set up a special task force to advise on how best to avoid them in the future.

But internal critics of the idea have hit back at the PM’s plans.

A member of the Rectal Research Group, or RRG, said “we didn’t leave the European Union just to bring in more red tape dictating where Tory MPs can insert flag poles. If a patriotic minister wants to physically express their love of Queen and country than that is their god given, time immemorial right as an Englishman to shove their flag wherever they like. Just so long as the butter is British.”

Downing Street leak reveals Boris Johnson’s nickname is “Little Boot”

MAGNUS PUNGIT : THE WESTMINSTER BUBBLE IS IN A SATISFIED FRENZY THIS MORNING after Boris Johnson’s nickname was finally leaked to the press.

“Shortly before 6am this morning an aide walked out of the famous front door at 10 Downing Street carrying a wad of A4 papers under their arm with the top sheet plainly visible for the waiting cameras,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “As the cameras flashed the revealing leak was captured for all to see.”

And it wasn’t hard to determine what the message was.

“Boris Johnson’s nickname with the staff is Little Boot. That’s exactly what it said.”

The nickname itself reveals much about the prime minister’s style of governance and future direction of travel.

“It is especially fitting because yesterday he made one of his favourite horses a senator,” our correspondent continues. “Unelected bureaucrat LORD David Frost becoming a full cabinet minister is one of the cherries on the Brexit cake. This is what is meant by take back control.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will continue in this throbbing vein and is shortly to make mentioning a goat in his presence a crime punishable by a beating with an iron stick. He will also be ordering men with thicker hair to shave it off.

“He will also, like his famous namesake, order a bridge built purely to satisfy his ego, regardless of the cost to the poeple, and continue to dress up in outlandish costumes, just because he can. Actually governance appears to be nowhere on the list. But drinking dissolved pearls at his lavish banquets is already happening.”

10 Insane And Perverse Things Attributed To Caligula | Learnodo Newtonic (learnodo-newtonic.com)

Rishi Sunak launches campaign “Clap for Rishi” to recognise his extraordinary journey

FISHY DISHI : It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of more money. Happily for some they can marry a billionaire’s daughter and continue to have great expectations.

A prime example of the well tailored to riches struggle is the UK’s architect of the world beating Eat Out to Help Out scheme, thought to have really ramped up the pandemic last year. And just imagine? Doing that and suffering no consequences? And showing no visible remorse? This is leadership.

But ensuring success for viruses isn’t the only struggle our fearless, and well groomed Chancellor has had to overcome.

The promotion of brand Rishi speaks to a depth of character that comes from unique struggle.

“Imagine being born into good circumstances, going to the best schools and universities, entering the begging bowl universe of casino banking, marrying very well and then finding yourself completely gobsmacked to be in politics? Such a novel journey is rarely seen, except for people born into exactly those circumstances,” an unauthorised biographer of the Chancellor comments.

And Rishi Sunak wants you to feel the struggle. Wants you to know that merely by virtue of being able to style his hair, he’s the man to run the country, when the day dawns that Boris Johnson starts putting his fading barnet into a combover.

“To help everyone connect with his riches to riches journey he’s organising a clap. We’ve done nurses and emergency responders. Now we need to celebrate the sacrifices of the man who’s always had everything.”

The clap will be this coming Thursday at 8pm to start off, but once Sunak’s swimsuit calendar hits your doorstep you’ll be able to hang him by the fridge and applaud his particular load of bollocks daily.