Category: Really fake news

IT’S LIKE MAKING SAUSAGES : The UK’s second last Prime Minister, for 2022, has made his latest pitch to lead the Tory Party again, and thus the United Kingdom.

“They need me more than I need them,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views. “Letting me lead the party again will be the easiest deal in history. Tory MPs can keep all the same benefits they have now, in terms of use of public funds and ease of access to titles. I mean, just lay back and think of the bungs. Do you know that if foreign interests lend you money, and they don’t have financial dealings in the UK, you don’t have to record it with parliament? It’s so much fun.”

But while some Tory MPs, who have performed lobotomies on themselves, are open to being led by the human equivalent of a crooked slot machine, some are not so enthusiastic.

“What has Boris ever done for us?” is the commonest response. “He couldn’t even fix the parliamentary standards system to let old Paterson off. What use is he? At least Rishi has shown his quality. He’s recovered 1% of Covid fraud, which is a little high, if you ask me, but he combs his hair. Daily. And now he’s going after the beggars! Which is nice. He can find the enemy within. And to continue to confuse the British public, while extracting the last of their wealth, we need someone who can speak in coherent sentences while we organise the voting laws to stay in power forever.”

But those who would write Boris off need to be aware that he has a killer play to make.

“Yes, he’s just recycling all the slogans Dom wrote for him. Like ‘Take Back Control’ and other nonsense, because he can’t actually think for himself, but that doesn’t mean that pre-loved tricks are useless. You just wait until he parks a big, red bus outside of Con HQ with the promise to give every MP £350m per week if they let him be PM again. The greedy buggers will be back at the trough before you know it.”

But what happens when the money fails to materialise?

“We’ll just blame the EU of course. And the last Labour government. It worked before.”

Bring Back Boris? As sensible a policy as bringing back syphilis.

LOOK AT THE EYES : The United Kingdom’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has taken a giant stride forward today to solve the problem of refugees crossing La Manche.

“While lesser nations go about draining their coffers to feed international welfare tourists, our Prime Minister is getting to the root and branch of the thorny bush of desperate people fleeing war and starvation, out of the naive hope that the civilised world retains some of the lessons of the first half of the 20th Century,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

While some have suggested that the perennial war, famine, disease and climate change problems require an international solution, where all countries work together, exceptional Britain is having none of it!

“We could try and work cooperatively with our enemies in Europe,” the spokesman explained, “but that would impinge on our sovereignty. We’re taking a different path. The British people have been groomed to expect us to debase and dehumanise refugees and we aren’t about to let them down.”

The plan, reportedly conceived during a daydreaming session, which happened during a fever dream, which occurred during a dose of mental diarreah, involves talking directly with the people responsible for mistreating their fellow citizens so badly they risk death to escape.

“The Taliban have shown themselves to be reasonable,” the spokesman says. “Why, they even gave girls advance warning that they weren’t to be educated. What’s more reasonable than that? I’m sure we can have a successful dialogue where we state the number of refugees we’re willing to watch drown in the Channel each year, and they arrange their end. It’s basic supply and demand.”

What number did you have in mind?

“Zero.”

So you’re going to ramp up efforts to save people from drowning?

No. You misunderstand. Zero is the number of refugees we expect to agree to save from the Taliban. It’s basic electoral politics, and I’m sure our partners in Afghanistan will agree to it.”

BLATHER BOT : The Conservative Party is on the defensive today, and not for underpaying nurses so severely many are forced to rely on charity to avoid starving to death.

The latest problem concerns their recently released AI chat bot. The Party has claimed it is both self-aware and sentient, but anyone encountering any of its blathering rants has dismissed this as plainly barking mad. In fact, the LA1984, doesn’t respond to any inputs or show any perceptible ability to learn anything at all.

“It does distract attention from Russian money in our party coffers though,” a Tory HQ spokesman told LCD Views. “Which was distracting attention away from the catastrophic damage austerity has done to our social fabric. Which was distracting attention from the lies we told to get our Brexit fever dream realised, which was distracting from the crime scene we turned the pandemic into, which was distracting from the fact that everything we’ve touched since returning to power has degraded to the point of being a global embarrassment.”

The spokesman paused for a moment and a spinning colour wheel appeared momentarily in their irises, before they continued.

“We really understand how to run a country, and an economy, just look at the fresh road markings in your area, the lack of trash on our streets, the fact you don’t have to wait weeks to get a GP appointment.”

Another pause as their face went blue, before colour returned.

“Oh, and the people we expect to do unpaid social work don’t have to wait so long for knee and hip replacements they need the unpaid social care themselves. Which they can give themselves. So that’s a virtuous circle right there, and one we couldn’t have achieved if we hadn’t done Brexit.”

But what are you going to do about the chat bot MP? On its first public test it was discovered fabricating an encounter with a voter, and should arguably have been switched off right there.

“Well its daily rantings distract from the sewage in our waters. Which distract from the fact we are allowing energy companies to profiteer off a war and make you all so poor. And its completely safe from being reprogrammed by input from the public, as its code is incredibly dense.”

The interview was terminated there when it became obvious we were talking to another Tory chatbot that was also incapable of self-awareness, or intelligent discourse.

What the party intends to do about their Lee Anderson chatbot is unclear though. He does push the boat out for the death penalty crowd, and once the country is fully sovereign in terms of human rights, that’ll be a whole new field to excel in. Just like Brexit.

It seems the wait for intelligence in the government will be a long one, and its likely some internet search engine will become self-aware first.

TO BE HUMAN, OR NOT TO BE HUMAN, THAT IS THE QUESTION, whether ‘tis nobler in government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous wokery. The Bard may not have been thinking of human rights when he put those famous words into Hamlet’s mouth, but his hero’s pains are a direct parallel to the dilemma faced by Rishi Sunak’s administration.

Sunak’s problem is not rationalising his own life and death, but that of others. Sunak is the bigger man here, thinking outside his own echo chamber (although there must be a brain in there somewhere). His problem is a small number of refugees, about whom a disproportionate amount of noise emanates from the rightest of his own right whingers.

His is a government of least resistance. The easiest path is always taken, the less planning (and therefore the less money spent) the better. Unfortunately, in the case of refugees the line is Send ‘Em Home. More unfortunately, these individuals are assigned human rights, which means that Sending ‘Em Home is illegal. 

This is a shame, say the Headbangers, since removing their rights would facilitate the process. So what can be done?

What are the options? Withdrawing from the EHCR is one easy option. But but but. The UK’s reputation is already thoroughly diminished through Brexit. This must never, ever, be acknowledged, of course, but adding another reason to damage the UK internationally is unthinkable to all except the most highly crazed fantasists.

The other option is to redefine humanity. This is attractive because Sunak’s government may set its own parameters to suit itself. And, thanks to our Great British Brexit, Brussels is no longer permitted to meddle in British affairs.

What will these parameters be? Nobody, alas, wanted to go on the record. Nigel Farage definitely didn’t remark that coloured skin is one condition that precludes humanity. Suella Braverman is not on record as saying that anyone who had ever been in a safe country is not British, and therefore not human. Neither did she say that the UK is not a safe country. Grant Shapps did not accidentally disclose that anyone worth less than a million pounds will not be regarded as being human. Boris Johnson definitely said “Yes, no, yes, erm, wiff waff, I’m, erm, yes, no, erm, making a return to frontline politics, whatever that means, tempus fugit, ooo champers, here’s my fridge!”, but nobody really thought that he meant it.

It’s time to rejoin the Animal Kingdom. Except that animals now have rights too… Is there no end to the Wokery of the world?

AND FOOL AND HER OFFICE ARE SOON PARTED : The UK’s shortest ever serving Prime Minister, Liz Truss, has moved to put distance between her and failed economic mind game, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Kwasi Kwarteng.

In spite of rumours suggesting the two of them are “peas in a pod” on macro-fiscal economic pound policy, Ms Truss’s team is believed to be briefing to the media that she is in a different universe altogether.

“Kwasi clearly is on another planet too,” a source claiming to be inside No 10 told LCD Views. “He’s not even in orbit. Neither is the Boss. She’s somewhere beyond Alpha-Centauri, while Mr Kwarteng is thought to be loitering about Beetle Juice. Either way. They’re more than worlds apart. So whatever he is up to, it’s not her fault.”

But in a statement which hints at at least a sympathy for the beleaguered Chancellor, the beleaguered PM’s spokesperson added, “I suggest the blame for the destruction of the UK economy is probably Harold Wilson’s. Definitely Tony Blairs’. Almost certainly Gordon Brown’s and without doubt Keir Starmer, should he become Prime Minister. Neoliberal economics can’t be to blame. That’s an article of faith. We all know faith in something requires no evidence.”

But when pressed to explain why the press is determinedly suggesting the two individuals know each other very well, the source shrugged.

“Look. Ms Truss does not know Kwasi Kwarteng. She’s never met him. If you said his name to her she’d look blankly at you and wait for the camera to click for her latest Instagram post. Whoever he is, whatever he’s done, it’s on him. Now if you don’t mind I have an emergency meeting to go to with the PM.”

What will be under discussion?

“Nothing. We’ll be sitting in a corner rocking rapidly with our fingers in our ears shouting NO NO NO NO.”

LUCKY BREAK : Lord Philby Feelbottom is said to be feeling “mightily relieved” today after an unexpected brush with the law, which he escaped. Lord Feelbottom has been editing the august newspaper, The Times, since The Restoration period and has rarely been in danger of being taken to The Tower. That all changed yesterday.

It seems that while incapacitated by a breakfast of ‘Failed State – done over easy’ the Editor mistakenly allowed a factual story embarrassing the Prime Minister and his former mistress, now wife (location uncertain – subject to unsubstantiated social media rumours) to make it into his newspaper.

The story appears to concern Mr Johnson’s efforts while Foreign Secretary to give his mistress at the time, now wife, a plum civil service job she wasn’t qualified for with a salary of approximately £100K. £100K is of course chicken feed and no one should worry about that, just ask Ms Arcuri.

Quite how the current Mrs Johnson is dealing with being treated like Ms Arcuri is anyone’s guess, perhaps she could ask the woman who was Mr Johnson’s wife when they began their affair?

How The Times believed it could get away with publicly, factually reporting another of the endless Johnson scandals is anyone’s guess. Perhaps ask Lord Feelbottom.

The charge Lord Feelbottom escaped by withdrawing the Foreign Office story is said to be covered by a new law titled ‘Embarrassing the Office of the Prime Minister’, inspired by similar laws in other autocracies that pretend to be democracies. The so called ‘independent media’ in those autocracies behave in similar ways to how The Times has.

Clearly the person most at risk of being charged under this law is the Prime Minister himself! Who never misses an opportunity to embarrass himself. Not that it matters, he governs a party entirely devoid of backbone which is happy to watch us all sink ever deeper into the mire of scandal and corruption so long as they enjoy fleeting power and the chance of personal enrichment. The country be damned.

They say it is not possible to go back in time and change history, it is if you’re The Times!

A FRIDGE TOO FAR: The Big Dog is running scared. Afraid that his new best buddy Volodymyr Zelenskyy might stop welcoming impromptu visits, Big Dog has taken steps to install a kennel in Kyiv. 

Brave Big Dog, afraid that his planned visit to Yorkshire might culminate in filthy northern booing, scarpered to the sanctuary of Ukraine. Brave Sir Big Dog ran away, again, meaning that another tranche of Tory loyalists finally realised that Boris Johnson is a big fat liar. 

Naturally, scores of loyal Tory arselickers have lined up to support the PM. “Doncaster is a shithole, to be fair,” claimed Cole Minor, Red Wall MP for Hell, Hull and Halifax. “Kyiv is very nice this time of year, and the daily aerial displays of the Russian air force are not to be missed!” 

Minor was by far from being the only MP panicked into writing ill thought out bollocks in a naked attempt to preserve his skin. This makes it almost certain that when Johnson falls, as he must do in the end, that Minor and his ilk will fall too. 

The fridge over troubled war zones prompted also sent tabloid “journalists” into a frenzy of mental gymnastics. The Daily Telegraph was at the forefront of blaming Starmer, Blair, Corbyn, Atilla the Hun, Genghis Khan, and any other remainiac lefty they could think of for Johnson chickening out of facing his public in favour of a hastily arranged photo op. 

The fridge was paid for, equipped and delivered at the expense of one of the notorious party donors. You never get something for nothing, so the wily donor e will have extracted a promise from Johnson to further screw the economy, so the donor may profit by betting against Britain. 

Johnson’s minders must realise that he exploits everyone he comes into contact with, meaning that Zelenskyy will eventually “go rogue”, meaning that he has twigged what Johnson is really up to. Woof woof! 

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK : The UK’s world leading Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has proven once again that there’s no job vacancy he can not fill in the UK after he instantly replaced his old Ethics Advisor with a new one.

The role of Ethics Advisor to the PM is one of the most coveted in public life as the Prime Minister pays “zero attention” to the advice and just does “whatever the sperm bubbling up around his spinal column demands” day in and day out.

But the new man is expected to be a more active advisor based largely on the fact he’s essentially been doing the job for years.

The appointment will raise hackles in both the USA and Russia though, with the Russian President believing he was likely to succeed Lord Geidt in a function he’s invested millions into over the last decade. Former President Donald Trump is also reported to be “out of sorts”, as he sees himself as Mr Johnson’s “spiritual godfather”.

How long Rupert Murdoch will last in the post is not clear though, given his great age.

“Rupert will move fast,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “He hasn’t quite completed his life long mission to destroy UK democracy, driven by a cultural cringe he imbibed and deeply resented the UK over in his Antipodean childhood. But with Mr Johnson he believes he has the right man to finish the job before he leaves this life to burn the gates of Heaven to the ground.”

DIRECTOR OF COMPLAINING : UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has proven he gets all the BIG CALLS RIGHT after deciding to ditch his cancer stricken wife for his (then) mistress and moving said babe into 10 Downing Street. Few would have had the courage to be so bold in their mashing up of their personal and political lives, and neither the Tories nor their client media would have let anyone else get away with it. But he’s not done yet.

Hot on the heels of his smashing electoral win yesterday against his own rank and file the PM has decided to call a SNAP GENERAL ELECTION for this weekend. A special bank holiday will be decreed later today to celebrate the unexpected polling and show it’s not just the Queen who can give you an unexpected day off.

The rumour mill hasn’t even had time to get started on who will be the electoral campaign director for the SUDDEN POLL DAY because the PM has GOTTEN THIS CALL RIGHT TOO and appointed subservient and doe-eyed MP, public starling, ostriche anus eater and go to defender of the crown NADINE DORRIES as the one to steer the ship safely to the bottom of the sea.

“Nadine has seized the coveted job after showing her quality yesterday prior to the Confidence Vote in the PM,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “At the start of yesterday the rebels who were prepared to vote against Boris were thought to be about 60-80. Thanks to Nadine’s work in front of the cameras and on Twitter by the time the vote was called 148 Tory MPs were prepared to bin their careers and go against Boris. Some misinterpret this as almost a loss, but what it really shows is how high a peak the PM had to scale just to stay in office. He couldn’t have gotten to that point without her flawless day of electioneering.”

It’s not just Ms Dorries who is celebrating though, a long cast of previously unknown backbench MPs are set for Ministries after the PM found just the right levers to pull to keep them onside.

“We’ll shortly be announcing the new Ministers for Drawing A Line, Getting the BIG CALLS Right, Moving On, Navel Gazing, Retributions, The Issues Our Opponents Want Us to Talk About, VONC 2,3 and 4, Leading the War Effort In Countries We’re Not At War In, Vaccine Roll Out Boasts and Denial of Reality, among many more.”

It’s not clear how many MPs Mr Johnson is prepared to sacrifice to win this weekend, but the body count will be significant.

“If Dorries can just repeat her efforts yesterday we’ll see another stunning victory for the PM,” the source explains. “It’s now or never. We wait too long and we’ll have nothing left to offer the Gods of Politics in order to carry on just that little bit longer dismantling the UK.”

Remember it’s always a lovely day tomorrow with Boris Johnson, just ignore today, which was once tomorrow, but will soon be yesterday with a lovely day just two days away.

HEADS YOU WIN, TAILS YOU WIN TOO: The wicked EU banned us from showing our monarch’s head on coins, claims a prominent Tory MP. This has now changed after Brexit. This is obviously sovereignty in action. 

“And just in time for the Jubilee!” crowed Rose Tinted, the MP for Bunting-in-the-Highstreet. “It’s time we got our money back! No meddling bureaucrat can ever tell us who to put on our coins again.” 

This is an example, she claimed, of acting on the People’s Priorities. 

“Every day on the doorstep, someone will always ask, when can we have the Queen’s head back on our coins?” she claimed implausibly. “But Partygate, I say. The cost of living, I say. No, no, no, the reply comes, we’ve moved on. We want our pride in the pound back. This is the message I receive from my focus group – did I say that? – I mean, from my public, on a daily basis.” 

Tinted refused to accept the fact that British coinage has always had the monarch’s face on the obverse. 

“I don’t recognise that statement,” she said. “It’s about time that we got on with the job of minting and selling commemorative groats with the Queen’s head on them. Only 50 quid each, it’s a bargain, and every household in the country must buy one!” 

It’s incredibly patriotic to produce actual metal discs, made to resemble obsolete currency, with an image of an old lady on one side. This is why we had to Brexit. But when all is said and done, making commemorative tokens because a woman has been in her job for 70 years does not justify an enormous constitutional change. 

“It’s just biased remoaners talking the country down again,” snarled Tinted. “It’s the f*#king Jubilee. Here, wave a little flag and get over it!”

Special Jubilee offer: anyone able to calculate how many Groats to the Guinea without googling will win a very lovely prize!*

*This is Brexit Britain. No you won’t.