Mark Francois sells his collection of vintage Marathon wrappers to raise money for Big Ben’s bongs

DIGGING DEEP FOR WHAT MATTERS : Tory Brexit MP Mark Francois is putting his money where his mouth is in the desperate desire to hear a big bell go bong. This will make him feel giddy and that he is part of an empire.

“That’s novel,” a close aide told LCD Views, “putting his money where his mouth is. He normally puts confectionary where his mouth is and charges the taxpayer for it.”

Upon learning that Drowning Street had no money left, after spaffing it all up the wall for the enrichment of billionaire tax dodgers (i.e. Brexit), and thus there was no money to repair Big Ben in time for the 31st January, little Mark had a big idea.

“He was so enraged when he learned the EU had forced Marathons to become Snickers,” the aide recalled, “it was thirty years ago of course, but Mark never let it go. It would be fair to speculate that the over reach over confectionary on the part of the tyrannical, unelected, EU superstate is what first turned Mark into a Brexiter.”

In preparation for the dark day when Marathons would become Snickers, and thus no longer measured in imperial but metric, Mark decided to eat as many as he could and save the Marathon wrappers in memoriam.

“This is a big sacrifice for Mark,” the aide added, “you won’t find him putting his hand in his pocket to offset any of the obvious and continual economic damage to people from Brexit, but he’ll auction off his Marathon wrappers to hear a big bell go bong. Quite the little potatriot.”

Harry and Meghan announce plans to buy the Daily Mail

ROYAL FEATURE EVERY DAY : The self-exiled royal couple have shaken up the world of the foreign owned British press today with the announcement of plans to buy the Daily Mail.

In a shock announcement made during a press conference in their new home in Ontario the happy couple could barely conceal their laughter.

It’s believed they will be using taxpayers money for the purchase and no price is too high.

“It’s an aggressive takeover,” an insider in the couple’s retinue told LCD Views, “Justin Trudeau is said to have personally signed a blank check and given it to them. So people in the UK don’t need to worry, it’s not British taxpayers money, but Canadian dollars.

What the Mail’s newest old guard, puzzled by the 21st century, tub thumping, blow hard ‘columnist’ John Humphrys will make of it isn’t clear.

“And it wont be clear as all his submissions are likely to be spiked.”

Plans to reformat are also rumoured with the couple apparently keen to publish the rag in a format more fitting to its content.

“Small, perforated sheets wound around a thin cardboard tube is the front runner of ways to revitalise the paper.”

But Brexit Britain is reacting furiously to the news out of concern the newspaper may now go back to publishing something vaguely factual and not just further the toxic, racist, nationalist agenda of Brexit.

“Steady on there,” the insider retorted, “it’s never been accused of publishing anything even vaguely factual, so this will be a first. It’s a revolution in the establishment of manufacturing consent. Many won’t be able to handle it.”

A free vegan sausage roll will be given away with each edition going forward and furious reactions from great big, steaming slabs of gammon are expected.

Peelers arrest banana for treason

‘ELLO ‘ELLO WHAT HAFE WE ‘ERE : GREAT NEWS FOR PATRIOTS today with the confirmation from Scotland Yard that a banana has been arrested for treason.

Details of the case are still being peeled back, but it appears the swift action by Downing Street’s new enforcement agency, Taskforce Europe, has prevented a bruising encounter.

“The suspect was apprehended shortly before 5am this mushing,” a spokesmen for Taskforce Europe, Inspector Curvature, told a bunch of reporters – handpicked for the briefing by the vibrancy of their colour.

“It’s believed the banana in question had been attempting to insinuate itself into a display of proper British fruit in an inner London Co-op store, now famous for upholding the will of the people by only selling British ice cubes.”

But the fifth columnist saboteur was out of luck.

“The banana had been under surveillance since arriving from Calais late last night, having concealed itself in a shipment of bananas with the proper, traditional, British curvature.”

But while the swift action of the Peelers prevented an infiltration by a banana set on undermining the referendum, the public are asked to remain vigilant.

“A giveaway was not only the perverted bent of the suspect, almost straight and not much bowed at all, a clear sign of the hand of Brussels, but also the lack of any Union Jack sticker, or any other patriotic marking on this dodgy fruit. We do not need to remind the public that failure to wear, or have tattooed across your face, a Union Jack at all times is a criminal offence in Brexitannia.”

The Prime Minister is expected to release a short statement on the case shortly, which is expected to be : “Bad luck Brussels! Try again another time.”

Jesus denied entry into UK over fears healing powers will render plan to privatise NHS pointless

MIRACLE WORKERS NOT NEEDED TO MAKE A SUCCESS OF BREXIT : Good news is here today and not just with Jacob Rees-mogg esq pretending to be a Christian on Twitter.

“That bearded weirdo who knows how to keep a wine bar in the black won’t be getting into Brexitannia,” a Home Office spokesman told LCD Views, while touring a lumber yard looking for some stout lengths, “the points based immigration system has seen to that.”

The bearded weirdo in question appears to be none other than Jesus Christ, recently returned to Earth after escaping reincarnation as a piece of toast.

“They thought they could sneak the dogooding, bleeding heart, meddling snowflake into the country by rebirthing him as a piece of toast,” the Home Office spokesman’s went on, “but we were onto that. There won’t be anyone walking on water in Tory Britain.”

And the benefits of keeping the liberal anti-predatory capitalist, fifth columnist subversive out will be felt all through the national health service.

“Not only would he definitely be a remoaner, what with all that peace on Earth and concern over the life/work balance of zero hours contracts,” the spokesman added, “but his flagrant disregard for the levels of money we’re pretending to invest in the health service will frankly endanger the entire privatise by stealth, business model,

“It’s not much use letting far right, US neoliberal billionaire funded ‘think tanks’ promote the demolition of the free at the point of use health model, so we can privatise and raid the private asset wealth of ageing home owners, if some bloody hippy is just going to come along and heal everyone with a touch. And for free too! What the hell is that? And don’t get me started on the damage he’d do to the booming food bank sector with a few fish and a loaf? He’d basically render our entirely manifesto pointless.”

Boris Johnson denies paternity of baby born in a stable – A Brexit nativity

Who’s the daddy? Bonking Boris Johnson is denying responsibility for his girlfriend’s pregnancy, and also denying that the child was born in a stable because of cuts to the NHS.

The birth was attended by shepherds, 50,000 newly redundant nurses, and a variety of former public sector workers seeking shelter after defaulting on their mortgages.

Three wise men from the government also visited the stable. They declared it a health and safety hazard, and closed it down. Fearing the repercussions, they returned home in secret and shared the maternity pay between them.

Glory shone around. But unfortunately it was only the blaze as the stable was burned to the ground. Rumour has it that the fire was started when Boris opened his mouth to speak. His pants ignited instantly, setting the dry straw on fire.

The mother, Mary, was so afraid that she took the baby and went into exile in the EU.

But who’s the daddy? Even Mary wouldn’t say that Boris was the father. It was the Holy Spirit, she said, over and over again, although as a teenage immigrant, something might have got lost in translation.

Unfortunately, the DNA results were lost in the fire.

Johnson, meanwhile, suspecting Mary of being unfaithful, decided to play no further part in the story. “Erm, yes, well, no, erm, the girl – boy – child – whatever – it can’t be mine, it has a shining gold thing round its head, like a shock of blond hair, totally not like me at all, no, no, it’s, erm, it’s a halo, that’s the word, by crikey, Christus natus hodie, don’t you know,” he blurted to anyone who cared to listen.

The child, it has been foretold, has a brief if spectacular career ahead of him. Far-sighted seers claim that he will raise the dead, heal the sick, and stop Brexit. He will be lynched by the authorities for doing so, as his actions will eat into their profits as undertakers and private healthcare providers.

Joy to the world!

Treasury confirms new Brexit 50p coins will have no date, just in case

TIMELESS AND COLLECTIBLE : THE TREASURY has confirmed that it’s going for third time lucky with the commemorative Brexit 50p coins, but this time it is taking no chances.

“Jesus wept, it’s just getting silly now,” a source inside the Treasury told LCD Views, “Sajid Javid seems unaffected by the farce, but then one of Cummings’ handlers comes around each morning and jams a hypodermic needle full of LSD into his eyeballs, so he doesn’t really know what’s going on anyway. He seems happier at least. Last time I saw him he was crawling down the hall near his office on all fours singing ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’ and debating what’s the best paper for a business card with an imaginary pixie.”

And to ensure the coins are a success, this time, the government is bringing in rules over their use.

“They’re going to be biodegradable. This way when Brexit starts going tits up we can just bury them in a landfill and no one will notice. After that we can tap the methane produced by their decomposition to heat 10 Downing Street. That’s caused a bit of a stir. Some of the civil servants working at the Exchequer believe any methane should heat 11 Downing Street. But we resolved that by confiscating their phones and firing those people.”

The coins will have a load of nonsense on them, of course, as pointless symbolism is the order of the day.

“No date. Vital. Anything could happen before 31st January. As unlikely as it is, Trump’s impeachment trial could lead to revelations this side of the pond derailing Brexit. The British public may wake up New Years Day and realise just how royally they’ve been shafted and do something about it. Although that’s less likely, based on the last few years. Or Russia could seize the Hebrides earlier than agreed. Whatever, we’re adopting a contingency based strategy. No dates, or any other foreign fruits will be stamped on them.”

And biodegradable does of course mean edible. We advise you to keep each and every coin you receive in your change and save it. They’ll be perfect stock cubes, even if the taste will be a bit tinny.

Mark Francois promoted to Minister for Correct Banana Curvature and given a protractor

WHICH WAY DOES YOURS LEAN : EXCELLENT NEWS TODAY THAT FAMOUS POTATRIOT MARK FRANCOIS is to be rewarded for his services to getting Brexit done with a Ministry.

“Some had been expecting him to get a peerage,” our Westminster insider commented, “like Nicky Morgan. A pay off and off you trot whenever you’re done with it. Whenever even full mint toothbrush won’t wash the taste out. But it seems Little Mark has the zest and vim to continue the fight. So a Ministry appointment it is.”

The Ministry will be a newly created one, especially to reward Mr Francois, and will have a budget of £350m per week.

“He’s bloody chuffed with the tool they’ve given him to do the job too,” the insider continued, “a protractor with Union Jack patterning and a ‘Made In Britain’ sticker plastered over the ‘Made in China’ one on the back.”

But in spite of the cheers, there are a few who worry that the Ministry will be a short lived one.

“It’s not the budget, that’s guaranteed, it’s the actual workload itself,” the insider reveals, “Mark will be given a team of remoaning, metropolitan, liberal elite traitors who will be forced to measure the bananas, under his watchful eyes. But there’s concern the actual supply of bananas will cease once Britain goes Global at the end of 2020.”

Oh no! What will he do next?

“I wouldn’t worry,” the insider finished, “I have it on good authority he’s already thinking about also measuring every British knee in the United Kingdom to ensure all men have patriotic, firm British knees. So that’ll keep him busy for yonks. Oh, and he’s breeding a special Union Jack potato too.”

Global Britain. The work will be endless.

‘Earliest ever’ family photo taken at Stonehenge discovered by experts

I THOUGHT WE’D HAD ENUF OF EXPERTS : The worlds of politics and archaeology have come together today with news of an exciting discovery.

A recent request by English Heritage for the public to raid their attics and send in photos depicting the famous stone landmark from way back has yielded a result that many privately suspected.

“A North East Somerset family, known locally as the Rees-moggs sent in a faded black and white image featuring an instantly recognisable figure from today,” an English Heritage ‘source’ told LCD Views, “he isn’t wearing his trademark top hat, and surprisingly his nanny isn’t in the photo, but it’s very clearly the former MP for the area.”

The confirmation that Mr Rees-mogg esq has been alive since the 19th century has surprised none of the experts at all.

“It’s understood he was actually involved in providing the zero hours contract labour believed to have been used to construct the monument. Although that is just rumour.”

Why the famous nanny isn’t pictured has a definite explanation though.

“It’s because she hadn’t been born, or even conceived at the time the photo was taken. But Jacob himself was shortly to stand for election in what was then the rotten borough of Sanctioned-Bank-Investments. A seat he did very well out of, in spite of the questions it raised regarding the reality of his character.”

English Heritage has requested next that people raid their lofts for wood prints of Mr Rees-mogg during the time of the Black Death of the mid-fourteenth century. Specifically for the rich folk involved in attempting to diminish freedom of movement after the plague via the Enticement Act.”

Vatican investigation into West Suffolk “selfie” apparition reveals it’s just Matt Hancock

CURSED TO WALK FOREVER FILMING NONSENSE : LCD Views can confirm today that the Exorcist, sent by the Vatican, to West Suffolk at the request of terrified constituents has concluded his investigation into the ‘selfie’ apparition.

“It’s still walking the streets and pavements at dawn most days,” Father Pater Pater confirmed, “I have seen it with my own eyes. It’s definitely ghoulish. It’s aims are certainly terrifying. But it’s of this world. I can not exorcise West Suffolk for you.”

The ‘selfie’ apparition first appeared in the area some weeks ago and initially appeared to modernise hauntings by posting short video blogs of itself screaming into the void on Twitter. Sometimes trees appeared to grow out of its head. Other times it was just the darkness surrounded dead eyes. Now and then it seemed to fancy possessing a motor vehicle.

Initial reports also said the apparition focused heavily on scaring people with nonsense maths about nurses, quiet outsourcing of the services related to national health, curious receipt of monies by US private health lobbyists and even invoking the war dead in a cynical attempt to become Head Ghoul of the Walking Dead Party. That alone should have seen it sent back to whatever ghastly realm it has escaped from.

That is possible, but it won’t be achieved by supernatural means.

“It’s Matt Hancock,” Father Pater Pater shrugged, “West Suffolk can exorcise itself next week at the ballot box. I’d advise you to do so lest your NHS becomes a dead zone.”

Time travellers identify Jack the Ripper as Jacob Rees-Mogg

The incident of Jack the Ripper has long fascinated every amateur and professional sleuth in the country, but now it seems there is a new angle to the case. Some fresh evidence has emerged – or is going to emerge – that will completely reshape – or has reshaped – how we think about the character of the famous Victorian serial killer.

Time travellers have (allegedly) returned from the year 5349 with a rather eyebrow-raising perspective. Future historian Professor Les Gobak, who claims to have been born in the year 5296, offered this take on the situation:

“Jack the Ripper escaping from his own time was an accident, and we apologise whole-heartedly. One of my team was doing some investigation in London in the year 1888, and encountered Jack the Ripper who killed her and took her time key. However it was set with a security mechanism which limits unauthorised use. If someone does use it without the proper identification, it will just transport them a century forward in time and then self-destruct, leaving the user stranded in a time completely foreign to them.”

So Jack the Ripper escaped into the late 20th century. That would explain why he was never caught. But then what?

“We detected the unauthorised use of the key, but unfortunately we couldn’t get back to the exact year, too much nuclear fallout from the Chernobyl explosion. Nuclear disasters on that scale make it impossible for us to be accurate within a decade when travelling back. This is the closest we have been able to get to, but we can confirm that ‘Jack’ is still alive and doing very well for himself.”

Does that mean the time travellers from the future can make a positive identification of this scoundrel?

“We can. It wasn’t hard. All we had to do was look for someone with their head in the past, spouting Victorian values. Obviously at this period in British politics there’s quite a lot of candidates for this but we had no difficulty in identifying Jacob Rees-Mogg as the guilty party.”

I was about to ask the professor all sorts of questions about how he was certain but they all died on my lips because his statement actually answers them all. The only question remaining was, if his identification was accepted, what was to be done about him?

“He [allegedly] killed one of my team and escaped from his own time. That means he has to face justice in the 54th century. It will be easier to extract him if he can be removed from his position of power though. The less sway he holds in this time, the less damage he can do to future history.”

Presumably this is why Professor Gobak turned up now?

“Yes. If the people can get rid of him democratically, that’ll be enough, and we can take it from there.”

The whole story sounded crazy, but somehow had the ring of truth to it. Justice is now dependent on the votes in general, and North East Somerset in particular. If you want Jack the Ripper to stand trial for his crimes, vote against Jacob Rees-Mogg and his party come election day.