Downing Street to spend whatever is needed to give every UK citizen a t-shirt to celebrate Brexit

WEAR IT WITH PRIDE : The sound and sober economic managers temporarily installed in Downing Street have the British chequebook out again today to help patriotic Britons celebrate Brexit.

“We’re all Brexiters now,” a spokesman for the Chancellor told LCD Views, “even tens of millions of people who believe it is nonsense and don’t want a bar of it. So too the majority of MPs who are prepared to go down in history (as things stand) as the last parliament of the United Kingston.”

The t-shirts have been designed at massive expense by relatives of the current government.

“You can’t keep everyone signed up to the rights stripping, unchecked free market revolution in insulin costs if they don’t see a tangible, personal benefit,” the spokesman said, “So a t-shirt seems symbolic and important. A white t-shirt to celebrate the primary colour of the changes being experienced by our bold, seafaring, soon to be global trading, buccaneering, t-shirt wearing country.”

While the gift will be free on receipt, wearing them will be a matter of primary legislation.

“Clearly choosing to not wear your Brexit t-shirt will be symbolic of being a fifth columnist, collaborator with the unelected, technocratic, t-shirt hating busybodies in the EU. We suggest you wear it. Wear it with pride.”

But questions have been asked as to why the design does not feature a Union Jack? The first flag ever to be flown on Earth by any country and clearly the best.

“That’s because we don’t know how the flag will look after Brexit,” the spokesman shrugged, “but the lower tax rates, abolition of basic human rights and asset stripping promised by Brexit is judged to be worth it.”

Your Brexit t-shirt, wear it with pride, and help celebrate the Boris Johnson Eton mess.

We survived twenty years of Shane Warne we can survive No Deal Brexit, says Geoffrey Boycott

TMS WILL BE BOOKED TO MAKE IT BEARABLE : Fantastic news today for English radio owners with the announcement of the unconfirmed and completely fabricated rumour that Geoffrey Boycott has been commissioned to provide commentary of No Deal Brexit economic collapse.

“We need someone old enough to remember when Shane Warne didn’t play cricket,” a Home Office official tasked with providing running commentary on a No Deal told LCD Views, “and vitally, given Brexiters’ love of referencing a war none of them fought in, we need someone who never faced Shane Warne to make the relevant comparisons.”

The commentary itself is aimed to be roaming and to be broadcast live wherever the action is.

“Clearly relating lorry back ups for miles at Dover will require the skill of someone who knows what to do with rhubarb,” the official advised, “and the ability to wait out day after day stubbornly refusing to budge until something moves.”

It’s hoped the listening public will supply cakes to the team as they broadcast.

“Seriously, get baking. And if you don’t have the necessary ingredients post No Deal, then improvise, just like English batsmen did faced with the prospect of having to come up with a duck when faced with a gogglie, or whatever it was that spun about them unexpectedly and got them out. Why go into bat against Warne anyway? There wasn’t any point. Just like a No Deal Brexit.”

Who else from the TMS team will get involved isn’t yet clear, with too many of them sounding too rooted in the modern world to qualify.

“We expect John Humphry’s will be happy to sit alongside Geoffrey as the much anticipated collapse of the economy commences. They’ll just play off one another. John’s delight at the end of the UK’s innings will marry well with Geoffrey’s scorn for a financial services industry who wouldn’t have a bloody clue what to do with sovereignty.”

‘Chernobyl’ Season Two begins filming in the Russian Federation – Russian President to direct

History Never Repeats : Russian President Vlad ‘the’ Putin announced, via a press interview with Time magazine today, that his government had personally started filming the second season of TV hit ‘Chernobyl’.

“What me worry?” Mr Putin kicked off the Q&A with the entertainment media with a question of his own, “this is nothing to worry about. Do I look worried?”

When asked to confirm, or deny, if the smart phone footage being widely shared across social media over the last week was a leak from the production site, Mr Putin just shrugged.

“Maybe it’s just a taste of what’s to come?” he replied, with another question, “Russian special effects are just the greatest special effects. Really the greatest. Not many people know this, but we do the biggest pretend nuclear explosions in the world. Everybody says it. Ask anybody.”

But when pressed by reporters why he was clenching a bottle of iodine tablets, Mr Putin was less than impressed.

“What these? Oh, there is nothing to see here. These are stunt iodine tablets. You see, ask anyone who has ever worked with me, if they’re still alive, and they’ll tell you when I work on television shows I am a method director. So I take iodine because that is what I would do if there was a real nuclear explosion.”

But in spite of the ready explanation for the mysterious events at the distant TV studio, conspiracy theorists have already begun putting on their lead hats, lead t-shirts, lead pants and lead trousers and reaching for the implausible.

“They’re not filming season two of Chernobyl,” Mr Moon Landing posted on Twitter, “they’ve just blown up all the evidence they have of meddling in the Trump election and Brexit. Also what they’ve been up to with the Italians. It’s staring everyone in the face! Sheeples!”

Mr Putin refused to be drawn on such silly speculation, instead asking the reporters what they thought of the tagline for season two of Chernobyl.

“Chernobyl 2.0 – a small nuclear reactor blows up in a deadly explosion which hardly anyone noticed,” he tried it out, “do you like it or do you think it’s too understated? Do you think it should be more personal?”

Well get back to you just as soon as the radiation detectors across Western Europe have had a chance to read it…

Zombie pack leader Dick Braine says you are what you eat

WHO CALLS THEIR SON RICHARD WHEN THEIR SURNAME IS BRAINE : The latest temporary leader of the English zombie plague UKIP, Richard Braine, has made his mark immediately by offering Britons dietary advice.

“You are what you eat and you only eat your surname,” said Dick Braine, in an apparently irony free bit of gammonsplaining, “I eat what’s in my name. Eating brains is the cornerstone of five a day. The rest is hippy snowflake nonsense designed to boost the Belgium vegetable industry to the detriment of the NATURAL BORNE BRITISH VEGETABLE GROWER!!,!!”

The advice was welcomed by the shrinking band of followers of the superseded outfit. Most of the former members of Dick’s zombie plague have been hit in the head with a shovel stamped “BXP” and started following the nicotine stained, serial death dodger who holds the shovel.

“If we can all eat enough braines and brains we can change the British political landscape forever,” he added, “mostly by only having a political landscape in England. And a Little England at that. I’ll personally see that as a victory as I continue my slide down the plughole of nostalgia into the comfort zone of obscurity and a misunderstood national history.”

The advice was presumably welcomed by the shrinking band of zombies still following Mr Braine’s UKIP undead pack. As to what the rest of us thought of it? We just decided to make fun of his name, to take it as a gift from a universe that hasn’t lost its sense of humour, and play with it.

Come Off It Cummings! Unelected bureaucrat replaces Larry with fluffy white Persian cat

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE : The unelected bureaucrat Dominic Cummings, currently running the United Kingdom into disaster (because it allows Boris Johnson to have long naps?), has announced he has replaced Larry the Downing Street cat with a fluffy white Persian cat.

“It’s the will of the people,” a hungry and unshaven Cummings told reporters waiting outside his 10 Downing Street home, “and you ain’t seen nothing yet. Nothing can stop me smashing the establishment. I’m just going to keep coming up with ways to transform the country.”

Whether or not you think your elected representatives, or yourself, should have a say in these changes doesn’t figure in Mr Cummings mad scheming.

“I’m anti-establishment. I’m the anti-establishment maverick,” he added, “I’m a genius. But I’m too modest to say it. Well, if by genius you mean well funded manipulator and propagandist. I’m going to smash the establishment.”

By establishment he appears to mean representative democracy, regulatory safeguards and presumably the national health service.

“I’m anti-establishment,” he reiterated, “well, those parts of it that have grown out of all control since the Glorious Revolution of the 17th century. Look at my place in society? It’s born to rule. Parliament is an irritant that needs putting back in its place. I’m a genius. But I’m too modest to say it.”

But why get rid of Larry the mouser from Downing Street?

“He makes the plebs happy,” Mr Cummings spat, “that’s reason enough. But also, when I’m relaxing in the prime minister’s chair and dreaming up new genius ways to convince the great unwashed they want to smash those parts of the establishment that safeguard them from hard right moneymen, I want a pussy I can stroke. And Larry isn’t that.”

KFC denies launch of offshoot Kentucky Fried Rat is related to Brexit

DIESEL DID IT : A corporate spokesman, claiming to speak for global chicken chain KFC (we haven’t verified any claims made – it’s conceivable this is all entirely made up) has today denied the launch of an offshoot food franchise, Kentucky Fried Rat, is related to Brexit.

“It’s to take advantage of available, domestic food sources,” Mr Rattus Rattus told LCD Views.

We encountered the spokesman while taking the trash out. He seemed to be trying to enter our offices by a small gap in the frame of the backdoor to our building.

“Someone at head office heard the oft mentioned claim that you’re never more than six feet away from a Brexit supporting politician in Westminster and it was a light bulb moment.”

But envious, treasonous, remoaning critics of the British food industry, and the ingenuity of global success stories, have hit back at the claims the decision to begin selling fried rat are not related to Brexit.

“We’re going to have to eat whatever we can get our hands on if No Deal Brexit is achieved, for want of a better word,” Mr Critic said, “so it’s entirely not credible that the decision to cook rat, and other rodents easily found in big cities and rural barns, is not related to Brexit. Dress it up in as many secret herbs and spices as you like, but this is because the farming sector will be decimated by Boris Johnson and his government of rogues. And it’s uncertain how long it will take to conclude an FTA with the Trump government, due to certain meddling senators not wishing to be party to the end of peace in Northern Ireland, and thus delaying the arrival of hormone pumped US poultry.”

Typical remainer, blathering on about broader concerns.

We here at LCD Views would like to commend the fictional move on behalf of the fried food superhero and look forward to ordering our first bucket of rat.

“It won’t be served in buckets,” the spokesman chipped back in, “it’ll be served in sacks.”

Arlene Foster expected to tell Boris Johnson she wants the cash in Euros this time

EU KNOW I KNOW EU KNOW : Current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Arlene Foster, is to tell stand up comedy act which has exploded into a bonfire of political crap, Boris Johnson, that she wants the cash in Euros this time.

“It’s the smart move,” our temporary governments correspondent muses, “Boris Johnson is carrying on with the same strong and stable approach to government that Theresa May took, while provincial governor of England under Foster. So every time Boris talks pound sterling will dive. Which is intentional, most likely, as so many backers of Mr Johnson have wealth hoarded in offshore, foreign currency accounts. Euros is the smart move.”

It’s not clear how many Euros Ms Foster will demand in order to appoint Mr Johnson as the dirty cat box of Downing Street, but it may well be considerably more than Ms May had to pay.

“It’s just a good thing we had all those years of unnecessary austerity,” our correspondent says, “or the government wouldn’t be awash with cash for vanity projects, such as Mr Johnson pretending to run something.”

The Euros will be easy to supply however. Mr Johnson will simply have to uproot some of the roots left under the ground down stump of the magic money tree. Then he can take them to a bureau de change at an airport, turn the pounds into Euros and put the lot in a bag.

After the deal is done Mr Johnson is expected to stand on the steps of Stormont and give a major speech promising “strong and stable government, just like we have here in Northern Ireland under the Conservative and Unionist Party”.

The strong and stable will continue to be a catchphrase because he is just replaying May’s time as provincial puppet, but faster. Which is nice, it means he won’t last longer.

Nigel Farage says reports of mass cannibalism on stranded Brexit Party bus are “exaggerated”

RED WHITE AND BLUE SAUCE : Brexit Party (it’s a company, not a party) CEO Nigel Farage has hit back this morning over reports of mass cannibalism on a stranded and abandoned Brexit Party campaign bus on the A470 in the Brecon Beacons.

“Total exaggeration,” he told two men and a dead dog, when they phoned in his propaganda broadcast on LBC, “how could it have been mass cannibalism? The last person left alive couldn’t have eaten themselves!”

The bus was touring the area ahead of the looming by election, after some convicted Tory criminal was forced to stand down, only to be stood up again by the Tory Party (making Britain great again by abandoning all pretence to standards in public life).

Mr Farage’s bus was in the area with a meat megaphone and a promise to rename the Brecon Beacons the Breakfast Bacons if they are successful in having an MP elected. They won’t be.

But pushed to provide more details about the reports of cannibalism by the dead dog, Mr Farage admitted there was some small scale consumption of human flesh.

”Now, now, I want to make this absolutely clear. The driver may, may have been an Orc and hungry for manflesh,” he admitted, “and after we couldn’t be bothered to rescue the bus and the suckers aboard he may, may just have decided to eat the passengers. But this is not cannibalism. Because the driver was an orc.”

The location of the orc is yet to be determined, but it’s assumed to be wiping its mouth on a Union Jack as we go to print, which is the other end of the body to that which Mr Farage’s useful idiots usually use.

May planning to booby trap Boris’ premiership by revoking Article 50

Outgoing Prime Minister Theresa May has one last trick up her sleeve. Before she exits stage left, pursued by a Boris, she is planning to booby trap her successor. Her final act as PM will be to revoke Article 50 in secret.

“Booby trap means booby trap,” warned Number Ten spokesman Torr Tology. “It means everything, and nothing. May will have her revenge on the saboteurs, the bastards, the traitors. It will be sweet to stick two very British fingers up at Boris Johnson, who is a bigger danger to the Conservative Party than any policy he could possibly dream up.”

Boris Johnson was not impressed. “What a load of contemporaneous gibberish!” he waffled, waving a limp fish excitedly. “I call it Theresa, the fish I mean. I’ve stitched her up like a kipper!”

“I’ve got a fish too!” called Jeremy Hunt from the sidelines. “Look at me! Look at me! My fish has a name as well!  I call it… err… um… Fishy McFishface!”

It’s not about the fish, of course. That’s another distraction, another of Boris’ schoolboy pranks on the world stage.

“Don’t make the mistake of thinking Theresa doesn’t have the balls to do it,” said Tology, ominously. “She has more balls than a snooker club!”

It would be the ultimate snook to cock. What better way to leave your mark on history?

“It would be an admission of failure,” agreed Tology. “And Tories never do that unless there is some political advantage to be gained. It’s also a massive vote of no confidence in her likely successor. It makes her leave office as an unlikely hero!”

To borrow her own terminology, making herself a loser will actually make her one of the biggest winners. That’s how Brexit works.

Theresa May, the woman who saved the country from itself? Now there is a legacy to be proud of.

Revealed: Farage’s plot to fake own assassination with giant milkshake!

It’s no secret that Nigel Farage will do anything to get what he wants, but the full extent of that “anything” is only now becoming clear after a document was leaked to LCD Views detailing how Farage has been considering a move that sounds like it comes right out of a thriller.

The document in question refers to a plot by Farage to fake his own assassination in an attempt to gain martyr status for his own ends.

The leaked papers include finding a supporter of roughly the same height and build as Farage, giving him plastic surgery to make him into his doppelganger, and, through a series of intermediaries, hiring a hitman armed with a giant milkshake to take out said double at a high profile event, thus leading the world to think that Farage had been assassinated, thereby bringing sympathy to his cause.

The document makes the shocking statement “it worked for Abraham Lincoln so why not me?” – proving even further that there are no limits to his crass dismissive attitude towards people who disagree with him.

The document makes no final decisions on the identities of the people involved, but suggested a few names for each task. Plastic surgeon Luke Laikham was shocked to be under consideration:

“I can’t believe he’d have the nerve!” he said. “Turning a person into the absolute duplicate of someone famous is against my professional ethics.”

This was a refreshing statement, as we didn’t know their profession had any. It was also typical of the reactions of all other surgeons on the list. All plastic surgeons are now being asked to report any suspicious requests to authorities before proceeding with them. This may not stop Farage’s team from finding a disreputable one, of which there are definitely a few out there.

The job of the assassin had fewer candidates, and it seems here they were looking for someone who already hated Farage, as this meant he would be more likely to do the job for less. Top candidate Paul “the Trigger” Gunn-Mann (not his real name, that has been withheld for legal reasons) had this to say when approached:

“You mean I’d be offered a sum to drown that kipper in milk only for it to turn out that I’d killed some innocent dupe? That’s it. First chance I get I’m shooting him in the balls – well, the ball, given like his 1930’s hero he only has one. And I’m gonna make bloody sure it’s him before I do.”

Farage himself would be sitting quietly in the wings of this, hiding from the public eye before returning after a discreet interval (and some plastic surgery of his own so as not to be recognised) as his own heir apparent.

While the revelation was shocking, we at LCD Views don’t believe the plan would have been successful. Farage just doesn’t have the willpower to keep out of the public eye long enough to pull it off.