Downing Street says reports of a Tyrannosaurus Rex rampaging in Devon are “exaggerated”

DON’T GO OUTSIDE JUST DON’T : MASS CONFUSION at the heart of UK government today after reports of a TYRANNOSAURUS REX rampaging in Devon.

The confusion appears to centre on the question of “Why Devon?”

“Dominic Cummings’ underground bunker is up north. So why Devon?” our pseudo science correspondent asks, which isn’t much use, as they’re supposed to solve riddles, not raise them.

But under pressure to provide further details a Downing Street ‘source’ wasn’t giving much away.

“Wales can have goats, why can’t Devon have a Tyrannosaurus Rex?” the source shrugged, “we’re not going to do anything about it from central government. We’re too busy wracking our brains for what’s a plausible reason not to take part in EU schemes to tackle Coronavirus, and other beer related sicknesses.”

Local police however aren’t taking the matter lightly, with reports that an officer who was standing outside a Tesco Metro with a megaphone shouting at people who are even thinking about buying an Easter egg, has been “repurposed” to confront the giant primeval chicken, and demand to know if its journey is “essential, or are you flagrantly breaching the conditions of the half baked lockdown enforced after even Johnson couldn’t ignore the tide of sick and disgust lapping at his door?”

It’s not clear how much damage the creature has caused yet. Nor whose secret lab it has escaped from.

One thing we do know for certain is that it is at least safe from pseudo-science, lethal, eugenics fetishising public health policies like “herd immunity”, as there’s currently only one Tyrannosaurus Rex once you discount the inhabitants of both 10 Downing Street and the White House.

Boris Johnson to mail one free sheet of toilet paper to every UK household

CLENCH AND RELEASE : RAPTURE across the land today with the news that great leader, Boris de piffle Johnson, has mailed one free sheet of toilet paper to all UK households.

The paper, described by a Downing Street ‘source’ as “high grade, capable of absorbing extreme quantities of BS”, is a gift to an anxious nation in its hour of need.

The estimated cost of £38 million ensures that traditional British methods of communication continue in spite of the plague. Royal Mail employees are thought to be especially pleased.

“This will reassure everyone that Mr Johnson is still leading the country in its hours of need, in spite of being unwell,” the source added, “Mr Johnson will urge everyone to do as he says, not what he does, given that an inability to socially isolate has caused the prime minister, and health secretary, to contract CV-19 in the first place.”

But of course there’s always critics, with some suggesting that digital media and television would have served just as well to mass communicate that the UK is no longer doing herd immunity, now that the herd is infected.

“Look, what are you most worried about? People dying who would have died one day anyway? The inability to react swiftly to fast moving events, given that every policy decision has to take into account the defence of Brexit? The failure to prepare the NHS properly in the months leading up to the crisis, in spite of President Xi of China phoning the prime minister in January. The lack of WHO compliant PPE and ventilators? The fact that we’re set for a potential fresh food crisis in the summer due to lack of farm labour, and the baffling lack of Brexiters stepping up for field work? The use of nudge theory to combat a virus? The lies over the EU procurement scheme for medical supplies? The failure to release the Russia report? The apparent long grassing of the Arcuri investigation? Not knowing who paid for the prime minister’s holiday in Mustique? The apparent fiddling of CV-19 death stats in the manner of unemployment statistics? Or that you haven’t personally heard yet from the prime minister via a letter?”

As to what NHS workers, many still insufficiently safeguarded against infection, to the point where some have started dying, should do when they receive the toilet paper? The source has this to say :

“On the reverse of the paper there will be printed instructions for how to use origami to turn the letter into a medical face mask. We really are doing whatever it takes.”

I won’t get CV-19, I’ve installed AntiVirus on my computer, says Chris Grayling

Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock have tested positive for coronavirus. But how do you combat a deadly infection sweeping across the nation? The country’s intelligence and security supremo, Chris Grayling, has found a solution.

He has installed software on all his computers to prevent the spread of the much feared coronavirus. “I’ll never get it now!” he says. Intelligent security right there.

“To combat a nasty virus, you need a decent AntiVirus,” claimed Grayling triumphantly. “Seriously, it’s all you need to do! I’ve noticed that people aren’t going to work because of it. Unfortunately it sometimes deletes emails, so just watch out!”

Grayling’s software is rumoured to be the reason that Boris Johnson never saw the email from the Nigerian prince offering 10,000 ventilators in exchange for £2,500 plus his bank details.

With senior ministers coming down with CV-19, it may be that the unique abilities of Chris Grayling will be required.

“I’m ready to take the helm of the ship,” said Grayling, casually waving a takeaway pizza menu in the air. “I’ve already hired a likely looking supplier called Ferry McFerryFace Ferries. If their boats are half as tasty as this Thick Crust Mighty Pepperoni Fiery Feast then we’re in business!”

First in line is First Mate Dominic Raab, a man whose grasp of geography rivals Grayling’s grasp of reality. While Raab is getting ready to take control on the bridge Boris built, brave Sir Dominic Cummings was seen running away.

“He knows Dom Raab doesn’t know his right from his left,” quipped Grayling. “If he ever told him to turn to port, Dom would be chugging back wine like a good’un!”

Grayling suddenly doubled down and started coughing unstoppably, and gasping for breath. In desperation, he reached for his laptop and activated the AntiVirus software. It performed a full scan, and, miraculously, Grayling sat up again, completely cured.

“More pizza, anyone?”

Pub landlord confirms staff will be paid in beer mats during Covid-19 lockdown

BLOW HARD BIG HEART : Britain’s second most famous pub landlord, Tim Martin, has used a press spot to increase the Earth’s CO2 count by several million gaseous cubic litres. But when he wasn’t attempting to make up for the lost gas output of the global industrial shutdown, he offered reassurance for his staff.

“I agree with Stanley [Johnson] clearly,” our fictional and entirely made up landlord blew, “people should keep going to the boozer during the bloody bout of the fffing sniffles. Beer soaked carpets and atmospheres full of piss and wind destroy SARS-1 and SARS-2 on contact. Only people who don’t believe in Britain don’t believe that. Traitors. Faaaaaaark! What’s a toothbrush?”

As to how the staff of his landmark pubs will fare, should pubs be closed and they find themselves without work, Mr Martin had words of comfort.

“So called medical scientists aren’t any much for British ingenuity and blitz spirit,” he harpooned the present reality, “I will not lay off one of my workers. I will pay them to turn up, sit at tables and wait on each other. Witheringspoons will remain open throughout this silly panic over a blocked nose. Know what unblocks a blocked nose? A pint of stale ale and a meat of dubious origin curry! That’s what!”

But how will he pay the staff of the pubs don’t have any actual paying customers providing revenue?

“In beer mats,” Mr Martin spouted like the whale of fate clearing the snot from its blowhole, “clearly, if they follow my advice most of my regulars will be in ICU on ventilators. So we won’t be getting through too many beer mats. The staff can use them as exchange tokens on the black market after complete societal collapse sometime in August.”

Genius.

“And I can reassure you, every one of my Withering Spoons that hasn’t closed for want of patronage by August, will remain open until the very end of the zombie apocalypse. Now get down the bloody pub and risk catching Covid-19 like a real man!”

Stanley Johnson to takeover daily PM Covid-19 press briefings – son to self fridgerate

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS : THE UNITED KINGDOM is feeling cooler today and in no way feverish, at least not with Covid-19, as lack of testing, especially of NHS staff, means ignorance is bliss.

Those who fail to prepare and all that, but let’s not focus on that.

“But there’s still a need for hard facts for the hard of hearing,” our Public Health Matters correspondent reports, “and I have been talking to a Downing Street ‘source’ about how disseminating information will be handled daily from now on. The afternoon press briefings from the prime minister are getting a much needed makeover, but will keep the same blithe familiarity we’ve all come to know and love from the people’s prime minister.”

It’s not just the virus that needs disseminating, the UK population also needs to achieve herd immunity on bullshit.

“To this end Stanley Johnson will be taking over the daily press briefings,” our correspondent confirms, “his son is frankly terrified of them and can’t always rely on a friendly journalist to let him off the hook with a gag (reflex) trigger.”

Mr Johnson Snr will take today’s game of word salad tennis from the press corp and he’ll breathe new life into it.

“Boris will still be present,” our correspondent adds, “but he’ll be in the corner in a fridge. A Wetherspoons fridge that is and Stanley has sensibly decided to shift the location of the Q&A to the pub.”

Rest assured Global Britons you are in hands, we’re just not exactly sure they are safe hands. We haven’t finished modelling it out yet…

Boris Johnson reportedly panic selling his shares in British Exceptionalism

DANCING SICKNESS : RUMOURS ARE ALWAYS SWIRLING ABOUT THE MALADMINISTRATION of Britain’s own Colonel Kurtz and his deputy de Privates piffle Johnson, but never more so than now as the world’s stock markets continue in free fall.

Here at global publishing powerhouse, LCD Views, we’re always happy to add to the blatant fake news, under the confident assumption that the nonsense we make up today will be tomorrow’s headlines.

“It’s reported that Boris Johnson is panic selling and short positioning his own personal stock of British Exceptionalism,” our financial whiz kid rumourmongers, we suspect in an attempt to game the market.

The imagined sell off is said to be on the back of Mr Johnson going so long in BE since he began his mad dash towards Downing Street in early 2016, that he’s now longer in the rapidly devaluing paper than his own lying nose.

“He’s still investing heavily in BE with the public purse,” our financial Guru continues, “but that’s just a cover for the moment he triggers the mass sell off. About the time the weird discrepancy in the reported Covid-19 cases in the UK is explained by an expected torrent of cases breaking across the country’s hospitals.”

We don’t advise you to take investment advice from a gutter rag like ourselves.

We do advise you that if you hear a client journalist of the crazed and isolationist regime in Downing Street explain away the catastrophic error in early Coronavirus modelling with the ridiculous line “the science has changed”, you should know that the Domocalypse is Now and it’s time to self isolate.

Boris Johnson begins making ICU ventilators out of empty wine crates

COMETH THE HOUR WHERE IS THE MAN : Britain’s shite Churchill tribute act, Boris de coughille Johnson, has sought to get back in the front of the fight against Covid-19 today by changing his personal habits.

“He’s no longer making buses and painting little people on the side,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “he’s now making ICU ventilators. He’ll do this in his spare time, which given that he never does any actual work, he should be able to produce dozens of them just this month.”

The news will be reassuring for Britons, who may get the vague impression from the contradictory briefings to select journalists, that the gaslighting tossers that brought you Brexit, via manipulation of just enough of a largely comatose electorate, don’t have a clue what to do about Coronavirus except gaslight it.

“The whole, we’re going to thin the herd strategy favoured by Dom and the Eugenicists (Great band! You should catch them live) has gone down a bit rum. Some are worried it’s sacrificed our position of leadership right at the start of the crisis. We can’t personally think why? I despise Christmas with my parents. And if enough of the oldies drop off the perch then women will have to give up work and return to full time childcare in the home. The crazed religious types will love it. It’s really a win win for several of the more insane sects within the Conservative Party.”

Of course not all of Europe’s leaders are taking an arts and crafts approach to the Covid-19 crisis. Some of them foolishly built sovereign wealth funds, rather than splurging oil cash on tax breaks for the wealthy.

“It really just shows you how frivolous and easily panicked foreigners are. They don’t have the stomach to take it on the chin like the British. You just pay attention, whenever a large enough wedge of the general public take it into their own hands to get in front of the Coronavirus crisis, the government will be right behind to follow their lead and claim leadership.”

The NHS will be taking delivery of the first Johnson made ICU machine just as soon as he’s finished emptying the crate of Pétrus, which at a £1,000 a bottle (retail) makes a Johnson ventilator competitively priced.

Nigel Farage releases handy guide for telling difference between a Smoker’s Cough and Coronavirus

NEWSNIGHT INFOTAINMENT SPECIAL : Never, ever let it be said that if Britain has a hole to dig that Nigel Farage won’t be there holding a shovel.

To this end everybody’s favourite sixty a day expert is on hand to ease concerns over coughing in public in the age of Coronavirus.

Later this evening Mr Farage will personally make his 4,536th BBC appearance to information the great British public about a key issue related to Covid-19.

“British Imperial Tobacco have asked for Mr Farage’s help in keeping the public aware that there is a difference between a cough symptomatic of Covid-19 and a standard, vigorous and perfectly in infectious smoker’s cough,” an aide to Mr Farage told LCD Views.

The concern of BIT rightly centres on an anxiety that heavy smokers may start to cut back during the global pandemic, out of a concern of social isolation relating to their normal, healthy cough.

Behaviour generating social isolation has never worried Mr Farage, in fact he’s specialised in it, to the point where the entire UK is now socially isolating on its own continent.

“We all know that regularly smoking, each quarter hour, helps lungs remain healthy with the exercise inhaling and exhaling smoke and its particles involves,” the aide continued, “there is even reputable scientific advice that lungs full of smoke suffocate Clovid-19. It’s vital that people keep hammering in the coffin nails even if they aren’t self isolating. You don’t want to alarm friends, family members and colleagues by sudden changes in behaviour. That will just cause panic.”

But how can you tell the difference?

“It’s perfectly simple, as Nigel will explain while puffing away. A smoker’s cough indicates that death is potentially still years away, whereas a Covid-19 cough could mean days. Just look for the shadow of death near or behind the individual concerned and most importantly, use your common sense. Someone with the potentially deadly flu has a fever. Someone with a smoker’s cough maybe red in the face, but it’s just their blood pressure.”

Smokers are further encouraged to stockpile cigarettes, and other tobacco products now, but not to let the stockpiles last.

Dominic Cummings reported to have settled on “Bring Out Your Dead!” as Coronavirus slogan

AS I LIVE AND BREATHE : Good news today for worry worts who think the leadership from 10 Downing Street is lacking in the face of the tidy new flu that’s travelling the globe.

“Dom has settled on a slogan and it’s a classic,” a source inside Downing Street, handpicked because they’re a freak, told LCD Views, “we’ve even focus grouped it with a bunch of weird AF early twenty something Tory voters. They don’t get the cultural reference, but they’re giddy at the thought of carts rumbling through the former red wall towns.”

The choosing of a slogan for facing up to the challenge of the Covid-19 strain has been the predominant focus for the geniuses currently running Britain (Into the ground? Off a cliff? Who knows!).

“Brexit was solved by a couple of catchy words. In fact any public policy matter can be boiled down to a slogan. Then you just stop and let events unfold. This is not about disaster management.”

But some critics have suggested that “Bring Out Your Dead!” is a little too morbid for what will be a fairly low key public health crisis.

“We did think about going with ‘Dig for Britain!’ next to a team excavating a very large pit, but we are saving that one for next year’s food shortages, after Boris successfully fails to get a deal with the EU. It’s my personal favourite.”

No one should be in any doubt that photos of unstaffed arrival halls and immigration counters, greeting Brits returning from Coronavirus hotspots in Italy is in anyway an accident.

“We’re on top of all the details,” the source added, “the slogan only has four syllables. It’s genius. Our seeming in action is not eugenics inaction, although that would also make a great slogan!”

National Lottery sales surge on news jackpots to now be paid in toilet paper

UK WIPES OUT : The National Lottery is feeling relieved today after a sales surge on the back of a change to how jackpots are paid out.

“You’ve got to be on it to wipe it,” UK lottery sales manager Mrs Phour Plie told LCD Views, “I must say the sales surge is a welcome break after a period where sales have felt somewhat backed up. But we couldn’t quite put our finger in why.”

But it seems taking inspiration from the endless crap of the news cycle was the intake of fibre the lottery needed.

“We thought people are watching their commemorative Brexit 50p’s. Maybe they’re not as prepared to flush money down the drain as they used to be? Lord knows Downing Street is doing enough of that. It’s got the fiscal runs. So we had to ask ourselves what do the great British public really want in times when the national mood is loosening its bowels?”

Something to wipe away their concerns?

“Precisely. People are stockpiling toilet paper when they used to like to spend a penny. So let’s give them so much paper they can feel reassured they’ll never be caught short.”

Smart.

“And with a No Deal Brexit once again pushing back around the political S bend, and Coronavirus shutting down the Chinese toilet paper industrial complex, the increased lottery sales are no splash in the pan.”

The first toilet paper millionaires will soon be announced.

“And if they don’t flush their winnings away come 2021, they’ll have rolls of ready currency to hand, as sterling is expected to fall below parity with Andrex, Who Gives A Crap and all other known brands. So grab yourselves a ticket, and if you don’t win, you can still wipe your arse with it! That’s an investment that guarantees a solid return.”