PLEASE LET IT BE TRUE : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a frenzied state this morning and fevered discussions are happening over “Who will wake the Prime Minister and tell him?”
The cause of the caustic condition is rumoured to be a Whitehall leak overnight to absolutely no one at all as we’ve just made it up out of wishful thinking.
“Dylin is rented,” the fabrication says. “Day rate £535. Central Animal Casting Mayfair.”
While the fact the Downing Street dog is rented as and when needed will surprise no one, the fact the PM doesn’t pay the bill owing will also surprise no one.
“We’re going to have to call a COBR meeting and decide who wakes him up,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “This is more serious than the Indian variant rising in Bolton. We may even have to call in one of his lady friends to do it. By some fiendish trick of fate the Downing Street kitchens are out of the ingredients needed for his morning hangover cure. Something about an unpaid grocery bill. No one can go out and get them as he’s already picked all our pockets clean.”
The revelation that the bill is for the dog will at least put paid to the scandalous rumours that pretty much everyone ever pictured with the PM in a “family setting” either does not exist or is also hired on an “as and when needed” basis.
CHASE YOU TO THE GRAVE AND BEYOND : These days many people seem to think former Prime Minister David Cameron is a slacker who spends his days just chillaxing and texting his old work colleagues. This is not the case!
Clearly the halcyon days are past for Britain’s greatest living Prime Minister, between the years 2010 – 2015. Indeed, the saying all political careers end in failure is wonderfully epitomised by the architect of austerity. The statesman who called Brexit on, and then ran away. Job done. Now he is building on that blazing end in a way no one just sitting about with “their trotters up” could hope to achieve.
“He’s taken a job with Virgin Media,” a source inside Team Dave tells LCD Views. We have taken no steps to authenticate any of this. In fact we have just make it all up as we go along with very little thought. Much like Dave’s day to day work as PM. It feels a fitting tribute.
The exact job appears to be in the thorny thickets of customer relations.
“It’s a tough gig attempting to convince people to stay on your side. To continue to invest in something they now no longer want to pay into. After seeing the dogged determination that Mr Cameron displayed when trying to get Sunak to bail Greensill out we just had to have him on the team. He may not convince anyone to do what he wants, but boy, will he have the bit between his teeth when he tries. Especially if there’s a little something in it for him. A bonus of some kind. He’s our guy.”
Dave is expected to start work immediately, working from home form his shed. So if you’re thinking of changing internet supplier you may find Dave texting you so frequently you’ll consider taking out a restraining order. If he does well in customer retention he maybe given his own sales portfolio. Watch out Rishi! Dave has a streaming service for you!
BOOM TIME FOR EXPORTERS : Rumours today that Home Secretary Priti Patel is among the number of senior Tory cabinet members who have gotten their hopes up about becoming Prime Minister.
“It’s Gove and Dom’s fault,” a fabricated 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, in an article of total fabrication. “They’ve gotten everyone worked up by publicly taking chunks out of Johnson recently. Raab spends several hours a day now just staring into a mirror watching his pulsating right temple vein. He believes it pulses with an ancient and dark power. Hancock is WhatsApping his friends, even people who didn’t know they were friends but accidentally became pals on MySpace. Gove is doing something grim with an altar and a bag of puppies to seek favour from some Babylonian underworld figure. As for Patel….”
The Home Secretary is said to have thinly veiled her power play in a speech on law and order. She is now famous for this, unless the alleged criminals involved are in elected office, some say.
“The focus on foreign born criminals? Why are they more dangerous or worthy of focus than native ones? Do you care about the accent of someone mugging you? Is it better if the violence is delivered with RP or rhyming slang? Are the crimes of British born criminals less serious? Do they come with flags? Draw your own conclusions.”
And people are drawing their own conclusions.
“Foreign born? Deluged by accusations of rule and lawbreaking? With a catalogue of such stretching back over decades? Whoever could that be? Whoever could she be targeting?”
EXCLUSIVE ACCESS : Britain’s Prime Minister is famously hard up for cash, always. This has zero national security implications and even if it did we just would not care. This is because we’re now Global Britain. It does make enjoying day to day life harder though.
It’s not made any easier for Boris Johnson by the poverty wages Prime Minister’s are expected to subsist on. Free rent and transport is all very well, but when you have to buy your own food things are very rum indeed. A man must search for a solution. Especially a man with prodigious appetites that must be met in order to govern forcefully.
”Happily the gig economy had the answer,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The prime minister now has his own onlyfans account and the subscriptions are already massive!”
Most of the subscriptions appear to be based in Russia, the Cayman and Channel Islands, but there’s also some from the USA and a few domestic accounts.
Critics however have been fast to point out that the exclusive access Mr Johnson is offering is not exactly exclusive.
“I signed up and it’s just the standard fare Mr Johnson puts in the papers day after day,” Mr Gammon of Gammon Lane, Brexit Town (twinned with Hell) says. “The extra hi-vis is nice. But I’m paying to see him play act as a builder? Anyone can see that. Still what’s he like? It’s just BoRiS being Boris!”
The reasons Mr Johnson gives on the page are at least valid, “arts and crafts supplies” which means wine, and “technology lessons” and one can only guess what they are. But we’re certain for the Prime Minister they are one of life’s essentials.
GET IT RIGHT NADINE : Open mathematical warfare in the Tory Party ahead of Thursday’s polls with none other than the Home Secretary taking aim at Tory MP Nadine Dorries’ claims over job creation in Hartlepool.
The MP for Mid Bedfordshire made a meal of it over the weekend by claiming that the governing Tories had created 180,000 jobs in Hartlepool, in spite of the region only having a population of 4 people.
“It’s just not true that we created 180,000 jobs in Harlepool,” Ms Patel sub-tweeted Dorries. “I expect our MPs to lie big when they take to Twitter. We created jobs on the scale of donor profits from PPE contracts.”
How many jobs the Tory policies have cost both Hartlepool and Harlepool has not been studied because that’s not the way we do things in Brexitannia.
Regardless of the public spat between the MPs the Tories are anticipated to take the Westminster seat with polls suggesting the entire region is still suffering from the lobotomy performed on much of the UK in 2016.
“We are just as fortunate that Labour don’t talk about Brexit ever as we are about creating jobs. Also how the right wing comes together while the progressive parties hold purity tests on one another. We’re going to gobble up the patriotic vote and rule forever. So long as Starmer never mentions the truth about Brexit daily.”
Exactly how many jobs Ms Patel claims to have created is of interest too, as she appears to believe it is the same as Covid tests administered in the area.
“Three hundred thousand and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand,” Ms Patel confirms, “that’s because the jobs we’ve created are so poorly paid all four constituents need dozens and scores of jobs each to make ends meet.”
MONEY MONEY MONEY IT’S SO FUNNY : Breaking news this morning after a leak from Downing Street allegedly reveals Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s financial planner.
Questions over whether or not the prime minister had taken any advice on managing his money have been whispered in recent days. This is because he is apparently unable to make ends meet in spite of having virtually all living costs met for him.
“You would assume he would have someone astute and rational advise him, given the hundreds of thousands of pounds he earns yearly. The bungs, kickbacks and other off book income would also need careful managing. It’s no surprise he has a financial planner.”
The revealing of the expert behind Mr Johnson’s money woes does at least make it “all make sense now”.
“The big concern is not Mr Johnson ending up without a roof over his head. The public will make sure he always has a home, either a grace and favour residence or a big house. The worry is more what other advice he’s been following. There’s a distinct possibility his financial guru will have strayed into areas of governance. While not strictly professional it does also make sense of the appalling state of the Johnson government. The lies, racism, corruption and complete disregard for checks and balances. Straight out of the Trump playbook.”
Whether or not the PM will continue to take the advice of serial ethically bankrupt pretend billionaire Donald Trump now the secret is out is anyone’s guess.
“Most expect Mr Johnson to double down now and replace Rishi Sunak with Mr Trump as Chancellor. This will not only distract from who paid for the No 11 flat refurbishment but allow Mr Trump a ready source of income to met his mounting legal costs.”
It’s likely also that Mr Johnson will adopt Trump’s slogan and run on an agenda of “Make Britain Great Again!” at the next election.
“Someone is going to have to. When you consider the low state Mr Johnson is bringing to the country to.”
BLOODY HELL : The Prime Minister’s reputation lies in shreds this afternoon more surely than a sofa left alone with a bored puppy.
Shortly after lunchtime a leak from Downing Street revealed the truth he has tried so hard to hide behind SofaGate.
“We’re all mortified. It’s so embarrassing I wish a hole would open up in the ground in front of the Prime Minister so I could push him in and throw the sofa in with him,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “How is the new age of feudalism to take a proper hold on the country with such a common man on the throne? It’s over. The entire dark money, rights stripping, power accumulation project in the service of tax minimisation is in ruins.”
Who actually leaked the devastating files will probably never be uncovered because no one will have the time to look into the matter.
“We’re all too busy planning our escape. Run for the hills is my advice. Get out now the house is on fire. There is something to see here and it’s horrifying.”
The leak that has caused the abrupt implosion of the fascist project centres on the source of the now infamous No. 11 Downing Street sofa.
“We all knew Boris and Carrie were cheap really, but as long as they acted otherwise it was possible to keep the ghastly, tacky nature of their persons secret. Now? It’s dust. Ashes and dust.”
Why some will shrug and say this is only a concern of the Westminster bubble. That no one outside of the M25 will care. The revelation that the PM bought the sofa at a DFS sale is certain to destroy whatever credibility he had left.
“No self respecting autocrat would do such a low thing. How can he look the Trumps of the world in the eye now and convince them to channel their financial business through London? London the new dystopia of kleptocrats? Not now. It’s over. DFS? And on sale? The £9000 is a lie? Christ.”
YOU CAN’T BUY CLASS : Shock in Westminster tonight after the announcement that British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to resign with immediate effect.
The gobsmacking announcement comes after leaked photos of the indulgently expensive redecoration of the flat at No. 11 Downing Street reveal NO UNION JACK FLAGS were used.
“There is no Union Jack flag patterning anywhere either,” a trembling Downing Street source says. “Since they did the refurb we’ve all been kept out of No. 11. We just assumed it was because the PM values family life, but it appears the real reason was a terrible and dark secret.”
How the PM expected to get away with not using the power symbol of Global Britain is anyone’s guess.
“This is a step too far. Clearly overseeing one of the worst pandemic responses on Earth wasn’t an issue. Billions thrown out the back door to Tory donors under the cover of the pandemic is just disaster capitalism in action and no sweat. Endless lying? Who cares? It’s only the most powerful political figure in the country with responsibility for all our welfare. But a failure to use the Union Jack? It is just beyond reason. He must be criminally insane.”
The news of the immediate departure of the ageing lothario and his current squeeze from Downing Street will please many, but there’s one sour note in the development.
“It means Dominic Raab becomes PM until a successor is established,” the source informs, “which basically means we go from government by instinctive mendacity to that with total confusion about maps. Hold your children tight tonight. Wrap them in a Union Jack.”
SOLID IRON PYRITE : Relief in No’s 10 and 11 Downing Street today after the PM and his current partner were cleared of redecorating the place in gold wallpaper.
For several days now the massive scale of pandemic death, and the associated untendered contracts, have been kept off the front pages by fevered speculation as to who paid for the refurbishment of the squalid little flat our rulers were expected to dwell in?
So too the collapse in the fishing and farming sectors. Also the fact Mr Johnson’s Brexit Deal has destabilised Northern Ireland, putting a very hard won peace at risk just for his fleeting self-advancement.
Thankfully now the questions about the refurb can be ignored. It’s time to move on.
“It clearly doesn’t matter who paid for the refurb if all the materials are knock-offs,” a Downing Street source commented, certain to be mirrored by opinion formers at The Telegraph.
“The real victims here are the prime minister and the spotless much younger woman he left his cancer stricken wife and their children for. It’s a test of their characters how they’ve coped with the shameful jibes about egregious spending in a time when millions face food poverty.”
The discovery that the wallpaper is fool’s gold will also bring a smile to close watchers of the power couple.
“It neatly symbolises the pair of them. Clutching for status and thinking they’ve attained it when really they’ve been on a fool’s errand. We just don’t really now who sent them on it.”
Presumably the lingering queries over who paid for their holiday to Mustique last year, just as the pandemic was starting to rip, can also be resolved by the revelation they actually holidayed in a bedsit in Thanet with Nigel Farage.
UP, UP AND AWAY : GREAT NEWS for the governing ToryKip party of the United Kingdom today with the latest polling figures.
It seems a latest poll by NoGov has Mr Johnson’s political wrecking ball at its highest ever polling of 110%. The hitting of the classic sporting percentage is a first for any UK government and displays just how much of a taste the great British public have for a steaming kakistocracy.
“There’s literally nothing he can do to get the polling lower,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “It’s getting embarrassing frankly. You want a sense of struggle and success. But this is just a cakewalk.”
It’s believed the PM will celebrate the polling numbers with a champagne lunch, although critics say that’s just “business as usual” and he could hold a press conference instead.
“Do it under the guise of a pandemic update and then just electioneer,” the source advises, “as that would be classic Boris. Abusing his position for personal advancement. It’s what the people voted for.”
The sky high poll numbers do also help make sense of why Mr Johnson’s former advisor, Gollum, is currently daily in the papers attempting to tear Mr Johnson to pieces.
“What better time for Mr Gove to pretend to unwillingly take on the mantle of leadership than now? He’s been away in Israel on mysterious business for a month. But now it all makes sense.”
People opposed to the government are also celebrating, as it’s another chance for infighting rather than joining in common cause.
“Everyone should look forward to Gove as Prime Minister, even if he is rather unlikely to do anything other than topple Johnson. There’s only one person more disliked in the UK than Gove, and that’s his doppelganger.”