Category: Really fake news

I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: Undercover police are adopting innovative measures to protect women in pubs, as part of “Operation Lumberjack”. In order to fully empathise with the female experience, male officers will dress up in high heels, suspenders, and a bra.

Female officers will be expected to dress up as Priti Patel.

In order to blend in successfully, further guidance has been issued by the Met. Officers must eat their lunch, go to the lavatory, and have buttered scones for tea – but this latter condition only after shopping on Wednesdays.

Once this programme is complete, officers must complete modules on Skipping & Jumping, and Pressing Wild Flowers. Once this completely normal behaviour has been assimilated successfully, police officers will be free to hang around in bars, where it is expected that they will blend in seamlessly.

As ever these days, some people will make an extreme effort to take offence at everything.

“This announcement demeans men who like putting on women’s clothing,” grumbled a tall, deep-voiced, heavily muscled and bearded lady, who gave her name as Lacie Smalls. “Nobody understands me, least of all my wife, and this Operation Lumberjack will only cause me further distress!” Smalls wiped away a solitary tear, picked up a huge axe, and departed to chop down some trees.

Smalls forgets that there is a long tradition of cross-dressing in the UK, albeit often for comic effect. Strip down any Shakespeare comedy or pantomime, and you will find boys pretending to be girls, girls pretending to be boys, and either pretending to be half of a cow.

So far, so good. But what do actual living, breathing, drinking-in-bars women think?

“It’s not the blokes in dresses who generally cause problems,” observed female person Rose English. “But it’s nice to know that there will be police out and about to look after our safety, though I worry that turning up looking like a Monty Python character might diminish their authority somewhat.”

Operation Lumberjack. Sleep all night, work all day, and you will be OK.

WORDS AND DEEDS : Britain’s second worst prime minister ever (general, public consensus), Theresa May, is rumoured to have completed the 2021 Census a day early.

The reason for the fast, decisive and early action was a result of a course of self-improvement.

“She’s trying to break from the old habits of dithering and control freakery that marked her time both in cabinet and as prime minister,” someone claiming to be her aide said. “Like Grenfell? Remember that? In the end the City of London had to arrange a response as May was as non-reactive as granite.”

Of course it’s not fair to claim that May was always too slow to act. Who can forget the speed with which she arranged those fantastic “Go Home” vans when she was Home Secretary?

And dithering can have its advantages, given she became prime minister by hiding in a cupboard while the leadership contest played out, post the criminally corrupted EURef of 2016, before stepping out over the dead to claim victory and office.

“I am a little concerned though that she may now be suffering from a case of act in haste and repent at leisure. She is uncertain if she wrote British, Citizen of Nowhere, or European down as her nationality. She’s in something of a panic.”

Oh dear. Let’s hope she got it right. And it’s not a case of her usual way since returning to the back benches of saying one thing and doing another.

“You must be thinking of how she makes these forthright Commons speeches dressing down Boris Johnson over his latest atrocious bit of lawmaking, before voting for it anyway? She just wants to be loved. Like anyone. It’s important to remember that.”

Theresa May. By her words and her deeds, will she be remembered, by common Con-Census.

DIPLOMATIC BUBONIC : DOWNING STREET have sought to engorge the pustule that is its relations with the European Commission today by adding another charge to the sheet of imagined European Commission crimes.

In a press conference at the completely new and necessary press briefing room in 10 Downing Street the PM’s human shield accused the EC of being in the “business of blocking vaccines entering the U.K. for centuries”.

While no documentary, or even folklore evidence, of the U.K. exporting plague vaccines to the Continent has ever been discovered, the focus was on the other side of the Channel.

“As far back as the mid-14th century the Commission were playing vaccine nationalism,” the method of socially distancing the PM from scrutiny said. “If it wasn’t for Brexit towns and villages throughout England would still be plagued by Yersini pestis.”

The charge will raise eyebrows across the Channel, mostly among people whose responsibility it is to pay attention to the offshore colony of global kleptocracy, just in case anything sane is said.

“While hardworking, British men and women struggled to defeat the Black Death the unelected officials in Brussels were blocking the export of cats to the United Kingdom.”

What wasn’t explained was what the British government itself was doing at the time to suppress the rodent population, in the hope of eradicating the fleas carrying the killer virus.

Questions have been raised over the U.K. government strategy for dealing with one of the biggest killers of medieval England, with the King at the time, Boris Johnson, believed to have flirted for a while with an insane idea of just letting the pestilence sweep through the population. This was based on the premise that only peasants would die.

“I wouldn’t worry about the export of cats,” one specialist noted. “Nationalism, obsession with controlling borders, ideological purity and flawed men attempting to elevate themselves were the biggest killers in the Medieval Period. The U.K. still needs a vaccine against all that.”

300,34,900,74,000% TRUE : Anyone who thinks Boris Johnson is just a heavily compromised pawn of shadowy foreign interests, and his own worst instincts, will have something new to chew over today after a fabricated leak from Downing Street confirms just how much he loves his Home Secretary.

“Shortly after dawn this morning a non-existent aide to the Prittster emerged carrying a highly visible make believe piece of paper with the breaking news on it. This was instantly shot by photographers who also do not exist.”

The photographed leak appears to reveal the PM’s response to the policing catastrophe on Clapham Common last night.

“We all know the Home Secretary is ultimately responsible for policing. Thus it follows that it is her fault if things go seriously wrong. This much is true.”

It’s also true that Priti Patel was forced to resign from a ministerial position due to running a secret foreign policy agenda. And that a civil servant recently received a six figure payout of public cash relating to the scandal of Patel breaking the ministerial code again, and being a bully.

“She is just the sort of dim and vicious person we need to house asylum seekers in cold and plague ridden barracks to keep the Brexit base satisfied. She does it without conscience, as she has none.”

But a useful tool of a growing autocracy needs not only protective squares formed around it, but also plaudits.

“The prime minister is to nominate Priti Patel for the Noble Peace Prize in recognition of her world beating efforts in the Middle East. Her treatment of desperate forrins and her new bill designed fo outlaw protest in the U.K. If no one can dissent it will be very peaceful indeed.”

And there’s one more reason for the nomination.

“It’ll own the libs. What other reason is needed really? We’ve cancelled the Mash Report. We’ve forcefully stop a vigil. We need one more cultural war success to round off a successful week.”

SAFE SPACE : So Called Prime Minister Boris Johnson was said to be “curled up in foetal position with toilet paper in his ears” in the wake of the police action at the Clapham vigil last night.

The Prime Minister is said to have been “already jolly on Bollie” when the drama occurred last night, “having watched the future Queen attend the peaceful vigil” and then preceded to get hammered believing the situation in Priti Patel’s capable hands.

“It wasn’t until he finally staggered out of bed this morning around 11am, scratching his torso and shouting for a Bloody Mary (to relieve his world beating hangover) that he found out what happened later in the evening,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views.

It is reported (unsubstantially) that aides had tried to arrange a rapid overseas min-break for the PM the moment he awoke, but his plane was “out of service being serviced after returning with an absolute truckload of bargain basement PPE from a Far Eastern hotel room.”

The PM is said to have taken the news badly, slumping on the floor, groaning and attempting to crawl into his panic fridge with “Dylin the prop dog jumping his right foot”.

“I’m just sorry we couldn’t get him overseas before he found out about the heavy handed police action. He’s now got to deal with Patel wanting reassurance her Gulag Bill will still have his support in Parliament tomorrow.”

The Gulag Bill will prevent a repeat of the drama by making all protest illegal and ensuring a “happy Brexitannia with no dissent at all”.

“I blame the women involved. They should have waited until he was on holiday like when the London riots occurred when he was Mayor,” the source added. “Or at least dress up as football fans with Saint George flag? If you don’t want to get kettled to prevent you catching the virus you have to at least try and look patriotic.”

Efforts are continuing to coax the PM out of the panic fridge with “his favourite caviar and a Hugh Hefner impersonator on hand to lend reassurance.”

TWO WORLD WARS, ONE WORLD CUP AND ONE CV-NINETEEN : Exciting news today from 10 Downing Street with the announcement that Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to undertake a victory tour of England.

Many quarters of an impressively uncritical press have been calling for an open top bus “Victory tour” for some time. This is standard for any impressive national victory by a great team.

Huge parliamentary support is also there with many MPs looking to take any spare seat up top on the bandwagon and shout “Vaccines! Vaccines! Forget the PPE scandals! Forget your dead NHS staff! Vaccines!”

Revelations yesterday that the PM has produced an entire propaganda film, paid for by the taxpayer, to gloss over the absolutely catastrophic (and avoidable) death toll in the U.K. only heightened anticipation that a victory tour was looming.

Dido Harding will of course have a pride of place, assuming someone can find her on the day.

We went out into the queues for tiny post office kiosks (that snake down most high streets during the plague in once crowded urban areas), thanks to the pre-virus austerity closure of the old boring big and spacious branches, to see what the public think.

“I can’t wait,” I Hope To Be The Last Person Left Alive In My Village told LCD Views. “We’re very patriotic around these parts. Well, we were. But I still am. I’m going to make sure the bunting is up early and on the day the bus comes by I won’t mention the dead at all. I expect to get my second vaccine dose sometime in 2039. It’s great.”

Have your British Exceptionalism polished and ready for the day the victory bus crawls by and be ready to shout “We haven’t done elimination as a strategy because death is too lucrative!”

FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES : The Serco Track and Trace system is receiving a lot of flack this week over the paltry £37bn cost it has absorbed for questionable public health outcomes. But it has one defender outside of the cabinet.

Speaking earlier today in the House of Lords Tory Life Peer Lord Phumble Knut of Bileheath praised the efforts of the private team behind the world beating system.

“Austerity was said to be a great redistribution catalyst from the public purse to the deserving wealthy, but Track and Trace has proven to be far more efficient.”

Lord Knut went on to list the tangible successes of the system.

“The pension and social care bill for the Exchequer has been notably reduced over the course of the pandemic, with every contact who was either not contacted in a timely fashion, or not supported to isolate after, undoubtedly spreading the virus further in their communities. Those crowing Antipodeans could learn a thing or two from Mother England.”

And it isn’t just in the catastrophic second wave over the winter where the Lord of Bileheath noticed success.

“Just the sheer number of Georgian manors purchased by holders of the PPE and Track and Trace contracts, those modern day golden tickets to Willy Wonkas famous chocolate factory, just the number of them alone speak to the dramatic success of the system. I wager more inheritance millionaires have been created this year alone than in one year of the sadly vanished Raj.”

Lord Phumble Knut also had a stinging rebuke for people “nitpicking” over the way the money has been spent.

“Base jealousy and envy. But what do you expect from the great unwashed?”

The BBC is said to be making a documentary already on the system titled “Track and Trace – A Very Exceptional British Success”.

NOT SO DEARLY DEPARTED : BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE PLASTIC PATRIOT, NIGEL FARAGE, has hit upon a new way to use his unspeakable talents.

While some feared his latest retirement from politics with leave him with little to do but shout at the sea, Mr Farage isn’t one for slacking and he’s got a new gig which makes the most out of modern technology, and grief.

“Mr Farage has begun offering to conduct funeral services over Zoom,” a PR spokesperson for the new Farage gig, Dead Inside and Out Funerals 4 U, told LCD Views exclusively.

“He’ll basically say whatever you want for money, just look at his entire career. And now with a tsunami of Brexit consequence about to crash over the UK, and leave only tears and wreckage in its wake, it’s the right time to move into an untapped domain. From there he can deny he had anything to do with Brexit.”

The services will be socially distanced, but the payment will be upfront, as is fitting for the times we live in.

“A one minute funeral service for £63 a pop? What’s not to love. No one likes hanging around video calls longer than necessary anyway.”

But while some have questioned Mr Farage’s credentials, claiming he only causes grievances, he doesn’t help heal them, Dead Inside and Out has a ready comback.

“Mr Farage has helped bury an entire modern, representative democracy. You don’t think he can talk your gran into the ground? Please. The moment you hear him begin his service with the famous catch phrase ‘No. No. Let me speak’, you’ll wish he was burying you too!”

NURSE! NURSE! : Running endless focus groups can be a tiring way to govern a democracy crumbling rapidly into a feudalist fetish rebirth colony, especially if you don’t think the great unwashed have a right to think. Happily British PM Boris Johnson has hit on a way to short circuit all that.

“The boss is going to give his mate Dom a retrospective bonus for all his out of the box thinking in 2020,” a Downing Street source has revealed to LCD Views.

The motivation for the surprising decision appears to be a way to conduct a complete and total focus group of the entirety of the British public and press factions all at once.

“It’s the perfect day to do it. You must keep in mind that Johnson is emotionally a very abusive individual. He’s praised and promised nurses for saving his life, for dying for their country and then he’s given them a sub-inflation pay rise. Essentially a pay cut. It’s hilarious. He’s very pleased with himself. But he’s really eager to see just how much he can get away with. How far can he push it? Well, let’s find out.”

So find out he will.

“350 is now as iconic a number in British public life as the devil’s 52/48. So let’s give Dom a 350% bonus on his salary last year and make it every week. See if the public snap? Bloody funny.”

We send £350m a week to the EU let’s give it to mates of Johnson instead. Doff the cap. Keep calm and carry on at the trough.

WE’VE GOT A SITUATION HERE : The UK’s prime minister is on a one man mission to spend all of the UK’s money and he doesn’t let an opportunity pass to splash more of it up the wall. Any wall.

In keeping with his raison d’être he has announced that a new room will be built within 10 Downing Street at extravagant cost. Nicknamed “The Situation Room”, it will be a hair salon just for the use of Mr Johnson and his inner circle.

“The Prime Minister believes a man’s appearance is a key to understanding his inner workings. His base psychology. His values. Clothes maketh the man and all that. But so does hair,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “In keeping with this the PM needs to ensure his appearance is consistent.”

While not many would disagree with any of them, some would argue at the cost of fitting the hair salon into the historic address.

“It’s mostly the cost of installing the industrial strength wind turbine,” the source illuminates. “The old days of dragging himself backwards through a hedge are over. He’s serious about his look now. He will stand in the wind tunnel and an aide will crank the dial to 11, which is higher than 10, and he will get the full force of the tornado strength gale face first.”

Additional cost is believed to be involved in keeping a consistent stock of puppies in a basket.

“After the wind blasting he will have the puppies placed on his head and let them do whatever it is they like. Only then is he considered suitably styled to talk to the nation about his world beating pandemic death toll. Oh and Brexit. Which he got done.”