Category: Really fake news

IT DOES NOT DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TIN : THE TRADING STANDARDS AUTHORITY is set to be abolished this week after it ruled against the government.

“This is just the normal functioning of Boris Johnson’s government,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “anyone who takes against the regime needs to be silenced.”

The move to abolish the body that protects consumers will also give individual shoppers greater freedoms.

“This increases your sovereignty,” the source advises, “as it opens up the choices available. No unelected bureaucrat will now be able to stand between you and that flammable toy you want to buy for your child. Worried about reports of a certain type of car catching fire? No need to worry now! There won’t be any reports.”

The abolition of standards will also assist the government as it moves forward with its agenda.

“We need to be able to keep calling each other Right Honourable as the pomp and circumstance makes the abhorrent moral and ethical and actual crimes we commit more palatable. I can’t be doing anything wrong, look at my surroundings and title!”

But punters and shoppers should not be alarmed. Ignore the doom mongers and gloom merchants. A new Trading Standards Authority is to be established via a £352m contract gifted to a mate of Dom’s, and almost certainly run by Dido Harding.

“It won’t actually be able to tell you if that oven ready beef lasagne is safe to eat or contains horse meat, but that’s not the point.”

THE NEW NORMAL : AMID THE CLAMOUR AND PANIC OF LANDLORDS TERRIFIED OF A PROFIT SLUMP, as more and more people realise working from home means they aren’t miserable, the tiny voice of sanity (coming from Downing Street) maybe hard to hear.

LCD Views has decided to give them a megaphone.

“We want working from home to feel normal,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “so we’re introducing new measures to assist with that. Initially the pilot scheme will be focused on commuting, as that is an integral part of the old normal.”

To this end rules will be introduced which people now working from home will have to adhere to. It is not yet clear if the rules will also apply to individuals who were already working from home, or self-employed prior to the Covid-19 crisis.

“It’s likely they will, if you’re under a certain income threshold. Why should those people be happy?”

Good point.

While the rules are still being drafted, we have been given a heads up by our source on what form they will take.

“There’s going to be a lot of them. It’s so we can cull some later and claim to be cutting red tape,” the source advises, sensibly.

And here they are :

1. The journey between kitchen and office space must take a minimum of one hour in each direction. Two or three times a week it must take 2-3 hours, for no good reason at all.

2. Money must vanish at an escalating rate daily from your bank account while transiting to and from work. If money doesn’t vanish you will be fined.

3. Government employed transit “companions” will sporadically appear in your hallway and walk beside you during your commute. They will hold loud mobile phone conversations about their personal matters which you have no interest in.

4. You must stop intermittently in your journey between kitchen and the room designated as office for no identified reason, before continuing. You will be required to place your mobile devices into “airplane mode” during these interminable intervals to replicate inexplicable loss of mobile signal right when you need it most in your commute.

5. An out of order sign must be hung on your toilet door for three out of five days a week. You will need to ask your neighbours if you may use their toilet. It will be at their discretion if you may or may not, but their toilet must be partially broken and covered in excrement.

6. One week of every month your hallway must be out of bounds due to “hallway improvement works”

7. You must wear a mask during your journey, but anyone else in your household accompanying you must either not wear one, or wear it on their chin.

8. You must spend the first hour of every day planning your journey down your hallway, building in contingencies in case the hallway is unexpectedly not useable. You must spend the last hour of each working day doing likewise. This is to increase productivity.

9. Your hallway will be sold to a foreign consortium and become so expensive to walk in you consider driving to work, regardless of the environmental cost.

10. A tax will be levied on home workers to pay for “hallway improvement schemes”. Your hallways will be improved by contractors on long weekends and during summer holidays, especially if you have family staying. You will be required to advise government of the least convenient times for hallway improvement works, so they maybe conducted then.

11. Now and then a racist drunk will be required to rant in your hallway during your journey. Burger wrappers and empty cans of strong cider must be liberally distributed.

12. A government designated “air quality abusement officer” must be allowed access to your hallway, at their discretion, to fart. You will be required to stay with them until the odour has evaporated. They may renew the atmosphere if they choose to do so. You may not say anything. You must simply breathe and try and focus on what you will do at work.

Your hallway is now your train, be proud of it. It’s inconceivable why anyone would not want to return to full time commuting to work.

MAKE IT SO SO NUMBER ONE : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON, Al to his friends, has decided to step up to the plate at last and take charge.

Fully refreshed from doing nothing much at all for most of his life the prime minister is fighting fit for the challenges he’s creating for the United Kingdom.

To signal his grip on the steering wheel of fate he’s taken charge of having his paid media mouthpieces announce he’s taking charge.

“This will bring consolation and reassurance to a nation that at times feels like no one is in charge,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s a silly feeling anyway. We all know that Dom is in charge and we can all have a positive stab in the dark at who is in control of Dom. But this will help people who need to be led feel that someone is in charge.”

And it seems the first thing that Mr Johnson will take charge of is school reopenings.

“Only until it goes wrong and teachers need to be blamed, as if they’re in charge,” the source clarified.

And while it may seem to some unnecessary sceptics that the only thing the prime minister is really in charge of is getting people to say, not for the first time, that he’s taking charge, but that is a mistake.

“He’s in charge of so many things already. His holiday schedule. A bloody harem of mistresses, allegedly. The legal steps needed to keep that rampaging festival of booze sodden, humping flesh private, allegedly. He’s a bloody good multi-tasker is Al, to his friends.”

But does it need to be announced? Shouldn’t it be a given that he’s in charge?

“Not when you’ve a reputation as a master delegator.”

You mean he’s bone idle?

“No. I mean he’s in charge of taking charge. Well, at least until the point he’s charged, allegedly.”

CAPTAIN CALAMITY AWAY : A cabinet office leak to LCD Views means we can reveal the in depth and detailed planning going on in prime minister Boris Johnson’s office in the event of a No Deal Brexit.

‘Operation Oven Ready Holidays’ is the focus of the majority of preparatory work to ensure the prime minister can get away from the stress of overseeing super injunctions regarding his shambolic personal life. Oh, and the minor hiccups relating to Brexit.

The detail in the plan reveals a unrelenting series of week long escapades and mini-breaks are planned. So many in fact he’ll be hard pushed to fit in any work.

“That’s for the best,” our team of expert government analysts concludes, “he’s really like an old master who has the apprentices paint the masterpiece and he just puts his signature on the finished calamity.”

The U.K. will be the major focus of the prime minister’s jaunts as he struggles to hold a fragmenting country together.

“The intention appears to be to visit every constituency and spend time hiding in it,” our analysts continue, “that way people attempting to track him down will have fun following the trail of bread crumbs he leaves behind. Abandoned camp sites will feature prominently. If the coals are still warm, you’re hot on his trail. Perhaps a dropped nappy bag for comforter? That will be a sign you should stop and wait. He’ll be coming back that way in a panic any moment.”

The finishing touches to Operation Oven Ready Holidays are still being refined, but one thing is certain, just like a parliamentary recess faced with a long expected catastrophe, nothing will stand between your leader and his R&R.

MAY CONTAIN NUTS : A racist ice cream company, ‘Breaking Point Ice Cream – Ice Cream for Patriots’, set up to take market share off the “bleeding heart liberal snowflakes” Ben & Jerry’s has gone into receivership already.

The project was the brain child of a well known English potatriot who initially sought to fund the company from a subscription based model, with the idea of making only proper British flavours.

“That was successful, it raised £2m in a few months from thousands of gullible idiots via paypal,” the company CEO told LCD Views, “and after we successfully bid for, without tender, a UK government PPE contract? Well. Who wants to work for a living! Ha! Hence the receivership. I’m off to watch the Kent coast and take in the sea breeze.”

But in spite of the (former) CEO’s exuberance, there are some who suspect the reason for the collapse of the racist ice cream company is more closely related to its founding premise.

“What flavours were they planning on producing that would have mass appeal?” our ice cream specialist asks.

“Vanilla? Appropriate but the vanilla pods come from Mexico, so that’s out, as its forrin. Chocolate? You can see the issues there! And even the milk is problematic. The most common indigenous breed of British dairy cattle, the South Devon, they come from Norman stock. French! In fact ice cream itself is a European food. It’s a total minefield for a proper, Saint George Cross wearing patriot. He was Turkish or Syrian or something, by the way.”

Maybe he’d be better off setting up a fish ‘n chip shop?

“Do you know the heritage of fish and chips? Don’t even go there.”

MAKE SURE TO SEND A POSTCARD : EFFERVESCENT man child Boris Johnson, and whoever he is allegedly banging this month, are said to be loving the Scottish Highlands during his summer break. What Dylin the dog thinks about it isn’t yet clear. But we’re sure he’s having a blast too.

All work and no play may make Jack a dull boy, but there’s no fear for Boris.

“It’s the palm trees,” a fictional aide travelling with the ageing Lothario told LCD Views, “it’s the way the setting sun is captured by their light. Amazing trees. Like lanterns. The light really dazzles off the waters of the crystal blue tropical seas…I mean. The lochs. Off the lochs. Hopefully he’ll bag himself a salmon while he’s up here. And maybe a stag. No holiday is complete without shooting something. Except a policy problem. Leave those at home! Enjoy a well earned rest at the taxpayer’s expense, or at the expense of some shadowy donor. Yes. He’s definitely on holiday in Scotland. Any suggestions he will fly back over night from the Caribbean for a photoshoot outside Inverness are fake news.”

The confirmation of the touring party’s enjoyment of Nicola Sturgeon’s backyard is welcome, as some unscrupulous ne’er do wells have been suggesting on social media that the Prime Minister has done a runner.

“Oh no, he’s definitely on holiday in Scotland,” the aide reconfirms, “he only does a runner from his offspring, his wives, his mistresses, his daily to-do lists, any detail on anything, anyone he has made a promise to that isn’t going to overly benefit himself, Covid-19 crisis, Brexit negotiations crisis, school grades crisis and the responsibilities of his office.”

Welcome clarification for a troubled nation in difficult times.

SOMEONE IS TAKING A BEATING : THE UK GOVERNMENT is determined to try harder today after a disappointing setback in the world of marketing.

“It’s really just a hiccup,” a spokesman for Downing Street told LCD Views, “we’re sure the judge can be persuaded to see the light. We can offer him a PPE contract or the end of his professional career. You just have to find the right combination of stick and carrot. It’s all about sensible governance at the end of the day.”

And sensible governance needs its go to slogans and catchphrases.

“We’re going to trademark all of them. Dead in a ditch. Over my dead body. Fcuk business. Spaffed up the wall. Letterbox bank robbers. Something about smiles. Well. It’s a long list and we own it. We will try again and I’m sure next time we’ll be successful. We are a world beating administration. Everyone can see it.”

But why the judge turned down the application isn’t entirely clear. LCD Views can’t stand miscarriages of justice so we sent a reporter along to the judge’s home to find out more.

“After hours doorstepping Judge Frielies address we gave it up and searched for her wheelie bins,” our correspondent says, “it was while rifling through the contents of the bin that the Judge herself approached us to ask what we were doing. Seizing the moment we demanded to know why she had turned down the UK Government in its effort to trademark world beating.”

“Because I don’t know what planet they’re on,” Judge Frielie responded, “and looking at you I can only assume whatever planet they’re on, you’re on it too.”

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND MATT HANCOCK’S STATISTICS : HEALTH SUPREMO MATT “THE APP” HANCOCK is under the pump to lower the UK’s cumulative Covid-19 death tally.

“It’s world leading at the moment,” an aide to the fresh faced Health Tsar told LCD Views, “but in the wrong direction. We need them to be facing the other direction. So we’re doing something about it.”

And the something appears to be adding used by dates to diagnoses.

“The 28 day shelf life of a Coronavirus diagnosis will stop people dying in ICU from Covid-19, when actually they’ve died of old age, or middle age, or a compromised immune system, or whatever you like really. It’s a pretty open field. Death. We’re becoming specialists in the causes of it. It’s all rather subjective too, when you think about it. Death is intensely personal. Thus death is subjective and it follows so is the cause of death. We really should be asking people how they died, after the event. But the dead are notoriously shy. So it’s best we change the way we record deaths and guess.”

And the UK isn’t alone in attempting a revision of statistical methods, in order to help the current government’s re-election chances.

“Narnia is at it too,” the aide said, “The Queen there, she has seen a shocking mortality rate amongst loyal fauns. Really quite something. So she’s put a temperature ceiling on diagnoses. If you contract Covid-19 outside of her frozen forest then you’ve actually died of sunstroke. It’s genius.”

But sceptics, wary of attempts by Downing Street to bring the kind of numberwang statistical flair to Covid-19 deaths that they’ve brought to employment statistics, have sneered.

“Why 28 days? What happens it you die from Covid-19 a moment after the expiry date of your diagnosis? It’s nonsense. All it really shows of course is that Matt Hancock, and the entire Johnson government, are already long passed their own used by date.”

FOLLOWING A SOODOE SCIENCE : EDUCATION SECRETARY, GAVIN WILLIAMSON, previously only famous for selling fireplaces, and for being fired for releasing state secrets, now has a new claim to fame. He’s suddenly one of the country’s foremost virologists.

“Boris Johnson is a very forgiving prime minister,” an aide to the nonentity itself told LCD Views, “nothing stops you failing upward, so long as you blow his trumpet and back Brexit. This means Williamson was able to recover from what should have been a career ending incident. Just like Priti Patel.”

And recover Williamson has. He’s so hale and hearty he’s fit enough to threaten millions of parents with potential early death from Covid-19, by way of demanding pupils return to schools, irrespective of the management of Covid-19.

“It really will be very safe,” the aide continued, “all the schools will be outdoors. Plenty of ventilation. Also, we’re now trialling purposely infecting teachers with Covid-19. The ones that survive will be able to teach without fear of infection. We really have thought of everything.”

But how will the curriculum have changed, based on recent events?

“There will be a lot more to do with understanding of weather patterns, hour by hour. How to get up in the pre-dawn gloom. How to sleep two to a bunk in a dilapidated caravan. How to heal sharp pricks and cuts on your fingers. How to deal with your back breaking. A whole new range of skills will be learned by our country’s children, and with no chance of transmitting Covid-19 to their older loved ones, or younger siblings with compromised immune systems.”

What will the new curriculum be called? Something catchy? A three word slogan?

“Only two words,” the aide replied, “Fruit Picking. And it’s got nothing to do with Brexit. Just ask the MSM.”

SEEING IS DECEIVING : Actual British Prime Minister Dominic Cummings to is address the nation over an eye boggling craze that is seeing optometrists going out of business.

“Stop driving to castles, you plebs,” Mr Cummings is to begin his address, in what critics have noted is a more conciliatory tone than usual. “Use a registered and qualified optometrist instead.”

Some have reacted to the new, public health focused tone, by wondering if Mr Cummings has friends who have bought shares in optometrists?

“It doesn’t matter if I have,” Mr Cummings will continue, throwing his arms around his people, “or what I do. Haven’t you got it yet? I’m laughing at you. I’m trolling you. I rule you. You are there to be harvested, essentially. You are my flock. Mwahahahaha!”

The speech will be welcomed by the nation, and reported as such by the BBC.

“It will build on the important work Home Secretary Priti Patel has been doing on warning people over the dangers of inward migration,” one observer said, “and Boris Johnson’s lectures on moral responsibility. Such an example to the nation of what to do.”

But castle builders are thought to be upset.

“When Jenrick asked me to put in my plans for a new development of Norman style castles in Wales I was reassured that additional income would come from people driving out to test their eyes,” Bob’s Builders told us, “if you build it, they will come. That’s what I was told. I reckon he’s doing this to punish me because I didn’t bid for a PPE contract.”