Category: Really fake news

COP THAT : WORLD LEADERS are to be rewarded for all the hard work they’ve done lately in talking about climate change by world leading UK world leader Boris Johnson.

“It’s great PR having everyone get together and talk about the need to do something before we all die,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’ve scheduled further talks to talk about doing something before we all burn and suffocate in our own inability to put longterm ecological viability over the short term profit of oil producers. There’s nothing to worry about. Climate change is well underway. I mean well in hand. We’re going to make a success of it.”

And to prove how easily it will be to make a success of climate change Mr Johnson is to lead the world in tackling it. Instantly. It will all now just go away.

“He’s going to change the definition of climate change,” the source beams. “It’s worked for the Tory government since coming back to its rightful place as holders of office. We have a problem with unemployment? Simple. Change the definition of unemployment. Same with poverty. The same with pandemic death figures. Anything you like basically. If a word is giving you trouble because it screams reality, just change its definition to point away from reality. Then you can sit back and soak up the profits.”

What the new definition is will also be seen as a further sign of Mr Johnson’s visionary genius. His ability to cut through the knottiest of Gordian knots.

“This is where it gets really clever. It’s easy to do something big about climate change,” the source explains. “You’ll love it. Mr Johnson will mention Alexander the Great. This will show he’s serious because he’s used as classical reference. Then he’ll just change the definition of climate change to weather. It’s a stroke of genius. Everyone knows weather is changeable. Now there is nothing to worry about. We’ve cut through the Gordian knot and can all go back to business as usual.”

VENI, VIDI, VICI: The world’s greatest historian has made an astounding discovery. Our entire thinking about the Roman Empire has been wrong. 

The historian in question is the notorious drunk, lecher, and sometime hobby prime minister, Boris Johnson. His credentials are world beating (“He is the finest historian, yes yes yes, of his, or any other, generation, wiff waff, yes really.” – Stanley Johnson). His momentous discovery came about while casually drawing parallels between himself and Caligula. 

Received wisdom is that the Roman Empire, like all empires, grew complacent. It literally rested on its laurels. Then disgruntled savages from The North rolled up during siesta and trashed the place. But according to the great Johnson, this isn’t true. Instead, impoverished fruit growers throughout the Empire could no longer pick their fruit, much less deliver it to Rome, because the Emperor had decreed that only native Romans were allowed to perform these essential tasks. And native Romans, more accustomed to getting fat and rich on the back of slave labour, simply weren’t interested in honest backbreaking work.

So instead, to maintain the illusion of plenty, Roman market traders displayed cardboard cutouts of the best fruit and vegetables the Empire could provide. Johnson leaves out the explanation of how printing and cardboard had been discovered by the Romans, only for the technology to be forgotten for a thousand years (“A mere detail, you know, isn’t it, marvellous,” he explained). 

This worked for a while, the patriotism and sovereignty feeding the population, but real, gnawing hunger began to creep in. One disloyal subject, according to Johnson, must have crept out one night and collected all the displays to eat, and in the morning there was no more fruit! The Emperor called upon the inventors of cardboard and printing, but discovered that they had been banished permanently because they weren’t Roman. Thus the Empire fell.

And that’s it. Quod erat demonstrandum. Simples.

BUILD BACK BACKSCRATCHERS : Some junior minister no one has heard of is celebrating across social media today after successfully lobbying for a reduction in the price of ivory backscratchers.

It’s believed the cause gained the attention of Prime Minister Boris Johnson who saw it as the perfect “troll of world leaders ahead of the Glasgow Climate Change conference”. It has the added advantage of “winding up [the current] Mrs Johnson” whose pretence to environmentalism is taking flak, given her choice of partner.

Trolling the domestic population has long been a source of deep pleasure for Mr Johnson and his supporters, and now thanks to Brexit, they’ve gone international. You can expect a tour de force of shabby dressing, shambolic walking and Benny Hill themed leering from our highest elected official in the coming days. That’ll show up the girly swots of international power!

“The slashing of sales tax on ivory backscratchers will have the woke foaming at the mouth,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It should keep all the endless corruption stories off the front pages. But even if it doesn’t who cares? This shows the hoi polloi who’s in power and who has to take it on the chin.”

The choice of ivory is thought to be exceptionally clever too, being a trigger for the bunny huggers.

“We’re going to set up an endangered animal bank which Tory MPs can donate to,” the source adds. “But access will be means tested. Not just anyone will be able to rock up and take home some rhino horn or an elephant foot stool. Maybe a stuffed wolf? There is sure to be something there for everyone. Each community bank will be easily recognised by the green archway over its entrance.”

You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours – the very essence of Tory governance. But let’s try and do it in style.

Downing Street is to act on unreliable reports about the rapid decline in British water quality post Brexit.

Operation Cash Discharge will see the famous Dido Harding reassemble the crack team responsible for charging thousands of pounds a day each for sod all results during the pandemic.

“Clearly the budget will fit the jobs in hands,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Billions. Billions and more billions will be flushed straight out of the Exchequer and into bank accounts of private firms rebranding right now to paper over the waste water cracks. It’s a once in a generation opportunity to make hay while the bums shine. After which we will boast about the money spent on cleaning up our water and deflect from any discussion over the actual current state as the turds bob about our islands.”

The tracking of effluent will also build on the sense of community forged in the pandemic as each and every poo will be traced back to the source, and individual Britons encouraged to take ownership of their own discharges. Personal accountability is here to stay.

“By encouraging Brits to head to the river banks and beaches of this great nation we will show the world that the exaggerated claims over pollution are not being bought by voters at home. Just look at the crowds!”

But critics of the new scheme say it’s just another way for the Tory government to enrich its friends off the back of a disaster it created.

“Such petty claims are easily batted away when you see the rate of pay,” the source asserts. “Each poo traced by Harding’s team will be paid at a rate of £1. It’s bob a job.”

BUDGET SMUDGET : Cheers rang out in the House of Commons yesterday as the UK’s (most) glamorous Chancellor (ever) took centre stage and dazzled.

Wearing a fetching, tight fitting tax efficient suit, shoes of reality denying leather, hair styled so hard it was momentarily titanium and a friendship bracelet he is said to have knitted for himself, the Chancellor smiled warmly and let the applause soak in until he was dripping.

Speculation had been rife that Mr Sunak would splurge cash on unimportant things but worries were soothed when he set out details to “undo just enough of the catastrophic balls-up we’ve made of governing the country since 2010, to give the tabloids wildly exaggerated front pages. While at the same time ensuring the lifestyles of millionaires are protected against the inflation we’re causing”.

Whether or not any of the money earmarked for window dressing poverty will make it to the windows is uncertain. And no one on the government cares anyway.

“My budget is based on a fever dream featuring a U.K. economy that hasn’t been hit with an incompetent and lethal pandemic response, plus one not suffering the furious assaults of Brexit. So you can bet on me and bet on everything I’m promising for me coming to fruition for me.”

But the real excitement was found when Mr Sunak reached the “ring fenced” section of his fantasy fiscal novella.

“I am setting aside 10% of U.K. tax intake to fund my personal photographer,” Mr Sunak promised to orgiastic applause. “But not just mine. Liz Truss’s too. The voters can be reassured that as the country burns there will be beautifully staged photos of whoever is Prime Minister next all over their social media feed. I am just a friendly little puppy dog and everyone wants to pat me.”

To ensure the photography is a success Mr Sunak further announced the setting up of “Operation : Dorian Gray”.

“I will look beautiful. You will be reassured by how beautiful I look. And those food riots in the coming winter will be more beautiful because of it.”

EVIAIN’T : Just when everyone thought the Johnson’s were satisfied with their refurbishment of the 10 Downing Street slum it’s all kicked off again.

“It only goes to prove they’re a normal couple,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “No one ever finishes a refurbishment. There’s always something extra you have to do.”

The something extra in this instance is a complete overhaul of the water supply to the entire address.

“The EU have forced the U.K. government to lower our water quality standards. It is their fault because to continue to have the same high standards would be to bow to Brussels. And no patriotic British subject wants that. So we have to prove our independence by swimming in our own shit. It’s exceptionally Brexit.”

Clearly the nation’s fearless leaders don’t need to do that though. How will they govern if they’re worried about drinking typhus?

“The pipeline from the Evian factory in France will ensure the Johnson’s bathe in world beating water and can focus on the job in hand of turning the U.K. into a joke.”

Critics have attacked the pipeline saying that the public shouldn’t be expected to shell out billions for it at a time of unavoidable austerity.

“That’s where the critics prove how unpatriotic and silly they are,” the source retorted. “The public isn’t paying a penny towards the pipeline. It’s all been paid for by some friendly foreigners who want nothing at all in return. Except perhaps a knighthood or peerage.”

TURKEYS GONNA TURKEY : In recent days it has appeared as if failed Health Secretary Matt Hancock was going to continue to fail to regain prominence, now that he’s sorted out his domestics. Happily his old friend the Prime Minister has found time in his holiday schedule to help.

“Something had to be done,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Matt became a complete laughing stock again this week and looked like slinking back off into the shadows afterwards. Not while Boris Johnson has the power to stop it. He is still giggling to himself over the way Hancock assisted in ending his time as Health Secretary to make way for someone even worse. Why not get another laugh out of Hancock?”

The laugh appears to be in the form of a new ministry created just for Matt.

“The Ministry for Saving Christmas is going to be one of the largest in Whitehall,” the source explains. “Mr Hancock will be in the headlines daily leading up to the 25th of December. It’ll be all optimism and protective rings around presents, until the inevitable failure and deflection spectacle. Boris is going to be laughing all the way to the mince pies.”

The budget for the new department is not yet set, but it is believed that with Mr Hancock’s well developed ties to the business community he’ll be able to cut enough deals to make it self-funding.

“The only potential sticking point is whether or not Matt can get fat enough in time to dress up as Father Christmas and run around a turkey farm with an axe,” the source muses. “Although Boris is more than ready to get the prop beard splattered.”

Will Christmas be saved? Can Matt Hancock be the man to do it? Action Matt will give it his damnedest.

“Just remember as you see Matt on the television explaining how he won’t reveal the confidential details of a deal to supply tinsel by a bankrupt pizza box manufacturer that people actually voted for this. Hancock, the man who invoked the WW2 dead in his bid to become Tory leader and then doubled back on that. He did that and was returned to office.”

Saving Christmas? Can it be done?

“It has to be. It’s now the entire focus of the UK’s future economic and industrial strategy. Put your trust in Matt. If he’s got any brains the first thing and only thing he’ll do is commission a badge that says Christmas.”

LET THE CRISES PILE HIGH: As one self imposed crisis follows another, the government has revealed its new crisis management plan. This time, special advisers have gone straight to the top and adapted one of Boris Johnson’s most famous principles. 

Codenamed “Dr Dolittle”, the plan is less talking to the animals and more doing very little. The minister responsible let slip that, in brief, the plan amounts to “f*ck crises”. 

“Our plan is simple and highly effective,” claimed Disaster Mismanagement minister Letty Tappen. “My job is to de-escalate any crisis by promising decisive action in the near future, before moving on to the next crisis.” 

Ministers have worked night and day to come up with a Crisis Management Plan. Careful examination of this mighty document revealed that most of it had been copied and pasted from the Articles of Association of a pizza delivery chain. 

There were, however, several pages of seemingly original waffle. Under a paragraph of meaningless drivel, came the following list:

• Face the public
• Use dramatic language
• Calm the situation
• Keep a sympathetic manner 
• “Carry on as normal” 
• “Robust action will be taken” 
• “I will do my very best” 
• “Sometimes tough decisions are needed” 
• “Everyone must take personal responsibility” 
• Say it all again

“Acronym means acronym,” explained Tappen. “Our government’s care and attention to detail run like a golden thread through this document. We are also considering the manufacture and distribution of a badge reading ‘Crisis’ to anyone directly affected.” 

If you can find a manufacturer and a distributor, that is, during a manufacturing and distribution crisis. 

“There is no crisis,” said Tappen soothingly. “And even if there was one, there wouldn’t be one, because ‘There is no crisis’ is the first rule of government. And even if there was a crisis so big even we couldn’t ignore it, then there would be very little we could do. Everything will settle down again in a couple of days, so let’s ignore the scaremongering in the press and the endless complaints from remoaners. F*ck crises, we’ve got a country to milk for all it’s worth!”

It would be more productive to talk to the animals, to be fair. 

After Downing Street had announced earlier today that Boris Johnson was to have a ‘thought’ at some time during the day, a press conference was speedily arranged so that he could deliver his thought to a loyal and expectant crowd. Originally, the conference was to have been held outside Number Ten but it soon became apparent that the public was clamouring to be present in great numbers.

Speculation grew rapidly over what precisely the thought might be. Experts dismissed the idea that it was related to Strictly Come Dancing’s AJ Odudu’s performance last weekend, but some thought it might be whether Gareth Southgate would start Grealish against Hungary on Tuesday night, or play Foden as a roaming inside forward just behind Kane and Sterling. Southgate commented, ‘I’m in a quandary over this and if the PM can bring his expertise on a 3-4-1-2 formation, I for one would be delighted.’

As the crowds began to gather in Parliament Square, their ears pressed to their transistor radios, buses and taxis came to a standstill. Impromptu performances by Ed Sheeran and Gary Barlow did nothing to dampen the joyous mood. Kevin and Doris Pastie, both dressed head to foot in Union Jacks, were typical of the many Brits in attendance. ‘We’ve come all the way from Welwyn Garden City just to be here when Boris tells us his thought,’ said Kevin. Doris added, ‘It’s brought the country together, there’s people of all types here. I met someone from Aspatria. I asked him how long he’d been in England but I don’t think he’s learned the language yet!’

Despite being nearly an hour late, the PM received a rousing cheer when he appeared on the stage. A chorus of Rule Britannia echoed around Westminster and it was some minutes before Mr Johnson could be heard. The crowd impatiently hushed each other and, with enraptured faces, gazed at the PM.

‘Earlier today I had a thought,’ he began. ‘Unfortunately, it’s um a case of non cogito and it’s gone completely out of my head. Nil desperado, it’ll come back to me as, indeed, I hope you will ha ha.’ The tumultuous crowd roared its approval as the PM left the stage.

Slowly the happy crowd dispersed, leaving only a small boy holding a bedraggled flag. ‘What the fuck?’ he said.

WORK TO LIVE : THE PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is reported to be “deeply alarmed”, “monumentally stupefied” and “catatonic in terror” at the prospect of the shrinking UK industrial base having to cut short the working week due to the gas crisis.

So alarmed is the prime minister he has had to take a “quick getaway” to “get some perspective” on the baffling and growing crises afflicting the UK which are believed to be “coming out of nowhere”.

The decision to get away from it all has been supported by Tory MPs who are also mostly doing “fuck all” about the many problems the country now faces.

“It’s not just energy, water, food, petrol, credibility, tax increases, food poverty and the very real prospect of complete societal breakdown,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “MPs are also frantic at the prospect of the three day working week being introduced. None more so than the Boss.”

The concern focuses completely on the amount of work that will be expected if it happens.

“It will treble our expected weekly output,” one anonymous Tory clapping seal told LCD Views. “That is not why we entered public service. We came into politics to be bankrolled by sanctioned Russian oligarchs. Not to do any work.”

But while the MPs themselves are “mortified” the situation is of course even graver for Mr Johnson.

“It’s a bit of a maths problem we can’t work out,” an aide for the PM told this world beating publication. “He currently does no work at all ever. But if he has to start working three day weeks what is that? How do you multiply nothing and come up with a result?”