Removing 600 MPs from parliament is not an attack on democracy, says feudal overlord

WILL OF THE PEOPLE: There is nothing wrong with streamlining parliament, according to Jacob Rees-Mogg. At least that is our best guess at what he said, after filtering his schoolboy Latin through an online translation service.

Decisions will be reached much more quickly without having to endure troublesome debates or awkward opposition. Instead, a hand-picked selection of obedient MPs will attend in order! order! to nod through whatever legislation Dominic Cummings wishes them to.

Removal of the franchise coincides neatly with removal of other rights, unless you happen to be one of the fortunate feudal lords ramming the legislation through what remains of parliament.

“This ramps up the whole business of taking back control,” remarked supine yes-man Job Dunn MP. “The government’s entire lack of strategy will enable our natural leaders to reclaim rights eroded by stroppy serfs getting above their station!”

This, then, is democracy.

“Of course it is,” retorts Dunn. “The People had a vote, which means we have a massive mandate to do whatever we want!”

And what is it that we want?

“Let me check,” said Dunn, pulling out a sheet of official notepaper bearing the inscription ‘From the office of Dominic Cummings’. “Ah yes,” he said, peering closely at the text. “Restore ancient privileges, remove onerous and intrusive legislation (especially concerning rights currently assigned to the lower orders), decrease surplus population by natural or natural-seeming processes, not-for-profit organisations banned… That’s the gist of it,” he concluded.

So Jacob Rees-Mogg’s announcement is totally in line with your understanding of what democracy means?

“Power to the privileged!” cried Dunn, tugging his forelock obsequiously. “Parliament will eventually assume a ceremonial function, like the monarchy. Wasteful and inefficient elections will be replaced by an interview process, so that only the very best will represent Mr Rees-Mogg’s interests!”

And where will these brave new leaders work from?

“55 Tufton Street will be the new seat of power!”

What a surprise.

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