Rescue team attempt to save Liam Fox from end of Southend pier

The Department for Blowing Cash Pretending We’re Going to Have International Trade (post Brexit) released an urgent press release this afternoon advising people stay clear of a Southend pier until Liam Fox has been rescued.

“Members of the public are advised to give a wide berth to Southend pier this afternoon until international trade supremo Doctor Liam Fox has been rescued by a specially trained squad who have been waiting for just this moment.”

It seems the drama began when Boris Johnson texted Liam Fox early this morning.

LCD Views has a transcript of the message to hand:

“Liam you foxy foxy devil. Get down to Southend and wait at the end of the pier old foxy devil you.

Have laid the lawn for you to agree first FTA with that new republic that declared itself the other day over on the continent.

We can get in first and boss it!

Put a kipper in your tank and try not to choke on the fumes!

Dispatching HMS Global Britain to pick you up!

A friend of yours will be on board the ship! Topple bibble bobble what what! B. J.”

It’s unclear at this stage if the text was a joke or meant in earnest, but either way it appears Liam was a little dim and raced to the pier in his best Saville Row suit, empty briefcase clutched for show, only to find hours later the promised mighty vessel of international trade had not appeared.

Ignoring the request of the press release we dispatched a reporter to cover the action by the water.

“Liam is visibly distressed. Not so much it seems by the failure of the HMS Global Britain to materialise out of the early morning fog, but finding himself at the end of the pier it appears he has no idea how to get back to dry land.”

“I’m going to starve out here!” Dr Fox is now screaming, “I can’t work out how to get back to dry land. Help me! I’m a doctor! People need me!”

Judging by the reluctance, clear in the body language of the rescue squad, to walk to the end of the pier and lead Liam back by the hand, it seems not everyone is so sure we can’t get along without his best efforts…

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