Boris Johnson to relaunch his relaunch after opening his mouth during his relaunch

SILENCE IS GOLDEN : The people’s prime minister, Alexander de Prattle Boris Johnson, is set for a relaunch of his public persona “Boris” later this week, after aborting the launch of the relaunch that was abortively launched at the start of this week.

“He’s super excited, he can barely even focus on his arts and crafts at the moment. Even ‘In The Night Garden‘ is struggling to hold his concentration,” the Prime Minister’s aide told LCD Views.

This week’s first relaunch was timed to follow neatly on the departure of Dominic Cummings, who departed 10 Downing Street after doing all he could to destroy the future.

“Boris hasn’t even mentioned Dom this morning, he is completely unfazed whether or not Dom goes through with his threat to retrain as a ballerina or not.”

Wether or not it will be possible for Johnson to keep his mouth shut when he relaunches the relaunch at the end of the week is anyone’s guess.

“Those comments about Scotland are being badly misinterpreted,” the aide reassures, “devolution is a great movement. As soon as it goes fast into reverse it’ll be even better. The Jocks love Boris. You’ll see.”

I think we already have seen.

“And anyway that hardly matters. Boris Johnson’s job is not really prime minister. He’s the Tory Party fluffer. His real purpose is to be verbal viagra for the chaps and you can be sure as long as he’s in position they’ll stay leaning to the right and hard.”

Downing Street tells Manchester – “A bad deal is better than no deal”

NO PM IS BETTER THAN A BAD PM : DOWNING STREET is continuing to multi-task this week as the negotiations with Manchester continue over funding for Covid-19 restrictions, even as it shouts and stamps its little feet at Brussels.

Rumours suggest that Michel Barnier is being called in to negotiate with Andy Burnham, but he will not be available until later this week. In the interim Boris Johnson has taken “personal control” of the crisis.

“That explains why it’s a crisis,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “why the talks have collapsed. Mr Johnson got involved. Mind you, Dominic Cummings wanted to use an e-bomb on the city and return it to the 18th century, so the fact that negotiations continued is actually a success by the prime minister.”

It’s believed the most compelling argument the people’s prime minister will make is that “a bad deal is better than no deal”. Whether or not this will convince Andy Burnham to do a half arsed lockdown on the cheap purely to suit the pennypinching instincts of Tory politicians faced with a predominately Labour area is anyone’s guess.

“It’s really just a disaster of Andy Burnham’s making,” the source added, “if he thought to set up a shell company last week and stick £5 in it he could have secured a contract worth hundreds of millions for make believe PPE.”

But allies close to the embattled PM have suggested he should tread carefully, as “the north remembers”, just not those areas that voted Tory last December, who seem to have completely wiped the 1980’s from their collective memory. Much to their detriment and everyone else’s, whether they voted Tory or not.

Dominic Cummings to hold Rose Garden press conference and just laugh at SNP MP

SPAD GONNA SPAD : THE UK’S RULING UNELECTED BUREAUCRAT, Dominic Cummings, is to appear in the 10 Downing Street Rose Garden again today to hold an emergency press conference.

At the time of going to print a marquee is being set up in the garden to shelter the tyrant from the persistent rain, just in case he catches a cold. The now traditional card table and folding chair will also be present.

“Dom is not going to say anything during the press conference,” a 10 Downing Street source informs, “he won’t say a word.”

What he will do if he doesn’t talk has already become the subject of fevered speculation within the Westminster bubble, who don’t have anything better to talk about. Definitely not in depth coverage of all the glaringly obvious downsides to Brexit.

In fact one six figure salaried, senior BBC political journalist has suggested via Twitter that “he’s going to mime the entirety of Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War’. It will be incredibly hard to understand. A hard rain on anyone’s comprehension of the art form.”

While a perpetually confused ITV correspondent has chipped in with “even without words his disarmingly smile and loving glow will hold the country in raptured single focus”

But LCD Views is better than those much better paid amateurs and we can give you the scoop right now.

“He’s just going to laugh at the SNP MP who broke Coronavirus laws and is now being forced to resign. What a muppet. Unelected bureaucrats carrying on bureaucrating unelectedly. We don’t resign. You worms. Mwahahahaha.”

Which should make it clear to all exactly why the country is where it is with Covid-19.

“Ode to Joy” most popular song to play on tiny violins for Boris Johnson

A FAMILIES MAN : The stud bull of English politics, Boris ‘DNA test required’ Johnson is said to be down in the dumps.

It’s natural to assume that his melancholy state is caused by the revelation that his “Oven Ready” Brexit deal turns out to not even have had its basic ingredients harvested. Not so.

it’s also natural to leap to the conclusion that the cause of his blues is having overseen, while on holiday, a world beating response to the novel cold virus that’s killed 10’s of 1,000’s of his citizens. Don’t worry, it’s not that either. Mr Johnson is no bleeding heart.

Well it has to be the difficult decisions faced as economic meltdown approaches the country, and how to shepherd the flock and the nation’s finances. But that isn’t what is furrowing his chubby brow. It’s okay.

“It’s because he has to walk through his private office to get to his private garden,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “oh and he can’t just bugger off and start an affair to escape childcare duties this time around. It’s horrific. We should be clapping for Boris. Struggling to survive on a paltry £150K a year. It’s amazing he’s not catatonic.”

Britons certainly aren’t, faced with learning of their prime minister’s plight.

They’ve got out their violins. Really, really tiny ones. And they’ve started playing in sympathy. And the most popular song to play?

“Why Ode to Joy. Of course.”

It’s what he will be wanting as he’s finally found to be so very wanting.

‘Land of Hope and Glory’ to be replaced by Benny Hill theme tune for Last Night of the Proms

LAST NIGHT OF THE POMS : GLOBAL BRITAIN’S SHOWPIECE MUSICAL EVENT The Proms has mixed up the song list for its famous last night in honour of the prime minister.

In a leaked memo seen by LCD Views the decision to replace ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ with the Benny Hill Theme Tune is revealed.

“It better reflects the playful side of modern Britain,” the memo explains, “where overweight middle aged men chase younger women about, essentially making nuisances of themselves. What better way to applaud the work of the prime minister?”

And it’s not just Land of Hope and Glory that has been targeted, a defensible decision as it aligns correctly with the directives of the trade descriptions act.

“Rule Britannia is also in for some changes,” the memo outlines, “the lyrics have not been changed but it will now be sung in Russian with an American accent. This better reflects the realities of Brexit Britain.”

To prepare the country for what will be a barnstorming performance of the Benny Hill theme tune on the last night, the BBC will be replaying all of the famous comic’s shows and parents are ordered to hum along until their children know the song by heart.

Critics have however leapt on the decision and castigated the BBC for choosing a song that soft peddles what is happening to the country under Boris Johnson.

“The theme song to ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ would have been more suitable,” one claims, “as that would also give a nod to the USA and our special relationship, and a possible future.”

A suggestion that the theme tune to ‘Alien’ be used was dismissed out of hand because in “Brexit Britain everyone can hear you scream.”

Sauron to address Middle Earth at 3pm after press conference by Saruman fails to end controversy

ONE LIE TO RULE THEM ALL : Middle Earth waits with baited breath today after the announcement that Sauron itself will address all the races at 3pm today.

The surprising move comes after yesterday’s press conference, held by his drunken, captive wizard of bollocks, Boris Saurman Johnson, failed to end a controversy over who exactly is governed by the one ring.

Clearly while the one ring designed to rule them all may have its legal instructions engraved in the metal, it’s just as clear that someone has to wield the power, so how can you expect them to also be subject to it?

What Sauron will say isn’t clear though, as it usually talks directly into the minds of the individuals of any given race it strives to enslave, via their social media.

Those wishing for some fake contrition maybe in for a surprise, after the Eye was heckled mercilessly by hobbits in the street yesterday. Could this have led to a concern about popularity? And the feasibility of finishing off the rule of men while being too much a focus of criticism?

“Sauron did nothing wrong,” Saruman repeated earlier today, “I do not mark it down for raising Orcs from the Earth or the wanton damage it caused to numerous Ents. It was following its instincts as a total genius, super dark lord. It’s not for mortals like you and I to question its actions, even if they did lead to half the world catching fire.”

But others suspect the sudden and surprising Fellowship of The Media, where both the Guardian and Daily Fail are critical of the giant, blazing eye of electoral faecalism and dark money fuelled neoliberalism, may just have spooked the dark master.

The press conference will be held atop the Shard in central London, as that’s felt to be the most familiar feeling place in the lands of men for Sauron to talk from.

It will be taking questions after, but don’t be surprised if the entire event is a celebration of its lies. And whatever you do, don’t look directly at it. Better to view the whole charade from a reflection in a pool of water.

SHOCKER Starmer owns donkey field, in other news PRIME MINISTER discovered to be a DONKEY

HOLD THE PRESS : THE MAIL ON SUNDAY CONTINUES TO FASCINATE WITH AWARD WINNING, VITAL JOURNALISM and today is no different.

In a mad scoop in today’s edition of one of the UK’s more disposable sheets it reveals that Labour leader Keir Starmer owns a field.

“I’m not sure how the British public will deal with this,” an insider claiming to work at the MoS told LCD Views, “after all, it’s only Conservative politicians that are expected to own large amounts of real estate, generally through inheritance. And not, I stress not, because they worked their guts out, excelled in their profession and wanted to make their ailing mother happy. It’s really not on. Why can’t he act like a prime minister and have a series of affairs and refuse to acknowledge the resultant children? It’s just not on. Think of our public standards. It took years to sink them this low.”

What the British public will make of the news isn’t certain, although it’s likely that most will be experiencing a range of emotions from nonchalance to warm hearted surprise that Sir Keir is nicer than they thought.

It’s a bit baffling why the MoS is purposely advertising on behalf of the Labour leader, by revealing such warm generosity towards his mother, and decades ago too.

But that wasn’t the only breaking news that shocked.

Genetic tests on Prime Minister Boris Johnson have revealed that, in line with his performance as PM, he is actually a donkey.

Maybe someone will do us all a favour and put him out to pasture.

Government investing in enough PPE to cover their arses

We are doing everything we can, claims every government spokesman. Yes, indeed, they are doing everything possible to evade any sort of responsibility for the way this crisis has been handled.

PPE is vital equipment to cover yourself up, in order to protect yourself from external harm. It is important to stay safe in these difficult times. This is why the government is straining every sinew to keep themselves from any possible harm.

“We will make sure everyone who needs PPE will get it,” claimed Health Secretary Matt ‘puts the cock into Hancock’ Hancock during the daily dissembling session. “At the minute, that means us, in government. We need to cover our own backsides, so that none of the toxic atmosphere affects us, and we can carry on the business of not governing the country as usual!”

It’s good to know that our leaders have a finger on the pulse. Even if it’s only the pulsing vein in Dominic Raab’s forehead.

By toxic atmosphere, we assume Hancock means the anger surrounding the way the coronavirus crisis has been mismanaged. Empty promise has followed empty promise. Tales abound of small British firms offering PPE, masks, ventilators and the like to the government, to be met with resounding silence. Maybe they just accidentally deleted all their emails.

Instead, while there is a desperate need for health professionals to have the correct protective equipment, the government’s priority is to cover it’s own arse.

This is nothing new. Ever since Brexit, we have suffered blatant misinformation about, well, everything. The government has taken the least possible action at every point, unless it has been to deflect criticism and stage manage the news.

“We are making herculean efforts to protect ourselves,” Hancock continued, while Downing Street wonks made herculean efforts to prevent any journalists asking questions. “This is good news for the people who matter, the people who are vital to the future of this country. Therefore there will be compulsory applause next Thursday evening for all the brave, hard-working cabinet ministers.”

Stay home, stay safe? It’s a cover up.

Man caught smuggling 100,000 toilet rolls into the UK claims they are for his own personal use

On a roll: Canny customs officers have intercepted a shifty looking man they suspected of smuggling. On closer inspection, he turned out to be trying to bring illegal toilet tissue into the country.

A team of sniffer dogs were used in the sting. All of them were cute golden Labrador puppies.

The guards doubted that the seized items were for personal use. Nobody is that full of shit.

Border personnel have been on red alert ever since the panic buying began. The import duties on the widely derided EU-standard bum wipes are heavy, since they are far superior to the bog standard British ones.

A cavity search of the man revealed not just one roll, but almost 100,000. The duty on these alone is enough to liquidate the economy of a small Eastern European economy.

The man was incidentally also carrying several kilos of pure cocaine. These were thrown to the puppies as their reward.

He was taken into custody immediately. A huge Bounty was put on his head, although unfortunately it soon melted. The ransom demand was instantly met in full by HM government.

Soap, shampoo and shower gel have also become contraband. Customs guards are on the alert for individuals who are unusually clean, fragrant and well groomed.

The desperate smuggler was taken straight to hospital as a precautionary measure. However the Universal Credit people declared him fit for work and sent him straight back to Westminster.

Word is that the new head of Intelligence and Security, Chris Grayling, is all over the place. And the case. He is trying to keep calm and carry on in the smallest room, but since his supplier failed to supply him with his stash, he has been out panic buying loo roll at the Westminster Tesco Express.

One mystery remains. How did the smuggler fit 100,000 toilet rolls up his backside? Well, the truth is, nobody really knows, although he’s well known for being a massive arsehole.

UK declared world’s first gammonocracy

The UN has responded to the election result with dismay. It has downgraded the UK from democracy to gammonocracy.

In the footballing terms so beloved of low-level trolls on social media, this is like being relegated from the Premier League in order to play in a Sunday afternoon pub league.

In practical terms, it means we are now being dictated to by gammons like Joyce and Barry, who seemingly live in a small town branch of Wetherspoons.

For it is now the drunken wishes of self-righteous Joyce and red-faced Barry which dictate policy. We want out, and we want out now, whatever the consequences, is the order of the day.

What about the future of the NHS? Hey, we are all going to die anyway.

What about Our Precious Union? The Irish are violent drunken feckers, and not even Scots likes haggis.

Who cares about being enslaved by Boris Johnson and his ghastly friends? Far better to be repressed by posh Englishmen than enslaved by foreigners.

Austerity? Poverty? Infant mortality? Not bothered, it’s a price worth paying.

Foreigners? Especially those horrid brown ones? They can all go home. Including the ones who are at home in the UK. It’s Britain First, and everyone else can bog off while the honest white working class submit themselves to a savage rogering by rich public schoolboys.

And those Frenchies can take all that stinking garlic with them when they go.

So thanks, Joyce and Barry. Thank you for your selfish, uncaring attitude. Thank you for voting to wreck this country because of your naked racism.

And if Brexit turns out to be wonderful, we will happily eat our words and admit we were wrong. But we aren’t holding our breath.

And if Brexit means we all get screwed over, our rights removed and our money stolen, then, Joyce and Barry, this is down to your small minded, petty attitude. You voted for it. Own it. Be proud to be exploited and delighted to be ripped off.

We told you so, and you refused to listen. You preferred the obvious lies of a man so cowardly that he hides in a fridge to avoid a cosy interview.

Mind you, most of us would hide in a fridge to avoid having to talk to Piers Morgan.