Category: Righteous Indignation

TAKE THAT, JOHNNY FOREIGNER: England’s shiny new immigration policy is operating precisely as expected. To celebrate Shakespeare’s birthday, Rishi Sunak’s government-in-name-only has deported England’s Patron Saint.

“St George only has himself to blame,” said Immigration Minister Sendham Back. “He comes over here, from somewhere foreign, who cares where, but the Middle East probably. He’s a single adult male who has left his wife and children behind. Probably. He is trying to steal precious British resources from the British People, by which I mean Tory donors. It goes without saying that he came here in a small boat, because in the age of dragons, aeroplanes hadn’t been invented yet.”

This England, this royal throne of pint-sized upstarts, this septic isle, hath made a shameful conquest of itself. By demonising the slayer of dragons, England has rejoiced in its own weakening. For who now will slay our dragons? Who will defend this fortress built by Nature for herself, this demi-paradise, this earth of majesty, from Angela Rayner?

Not St George, that much is clear. Our reporter caught up with him over a dodgy phone link.

“It’s great here,” said St George. “There’s plenty of space, it’s nice and warm and dry, unlike bloody England. There’s lots of great people here too.”

George paused for effect. “Like this guy. Come and say hello, G,” he said to a fellow inmate.

“Now this chap, even you will recognise him,” said George. “Wispy beard, sandals, halo, crown of thorns, holes in his hands and feet, carries a cross around for some reason. Anyway, He made it as far as Glastonbury before they caught up with Him and chucked Him out.”

“Hi there!” said Jesus cheerfully. “The best thing about being the Son Of God is that I rose from the dead. You can’t keep a good man down! Everyone knows my name. Same with St George, what a legend!”

With enemies like these, who needs friends?

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL: With Westminster rocked by corruption scandals, and many further allegations flying around, it’s time to Take Back Control. The most-investigated Prime Minister ever, Boris Johnson, has vowed to take full personal responsibility for standing up for high standards and decency.

There is only one small problem with this. Johnson, apparently, has absolutely no idea what the expression “take full personal responsibility” means.

This has never stopped him promising it, though. For example, despite the PM’s promise to take full personal responsibility for the UK’s pandemic response, we have a world beating death rate per capita. This responsibility for Brexit talks and Brexit job losses has not remotely been matched by any action. His full personal responsibility for Air Bridges for overseas holidaymakers is matched only to his commitment to the Garden Bridge, the Contract Bridge, the Bridge Over Troubled Water and Andrew Bridgen.

So the news that he is to take full personal responsibility for fighting corruption is to be welcomed in the same way that Johnson welcomes another trip to the STI clinic or a detox session. On his watch, we know that (for example) one company was contracted to buy PPE at an inflated price. When this proved to be unusable, it was simply stored – causing a shortage of shipping containers – and the same company charges £1m per day in storage charges. So no corruption there. Absolutely nothing to see.

And surely this is only the tip of the iceberg. Only this week we have seen Johnson’s desperate attempts to change the rules on corruption and accountability so that they do not apply to him. If that’s not taking full personal responsibility, then I don’t know what is.

But we may rest assured. With the Prime Minister in charge of marking his own plagiarised homework, what could possibly go wrong?

The megabucks stop here.

RETURN ON INVESTMENT : Terrifying scenes in the homes and offices of right wing, fashy, gobshite opinion formers and their bankrollers this week as the NHS app seems suddenly determined to keep people alive.

“We’ve had to sedate half the work force,” an insider at the Fashtator told LCD Views. “The sheer irresponsibility of allowing the great unwashed to take pre-emptive action to delay death is staggering. This is not the Tory Britain we campaign for. Won’t somebody think of the share prices of commercial landlords? It’s a pandemic of pain and the inherited wealth is feeling it more than some work-shy A&E nurse.”

The decision of the NHS App to become suddenly efficient is worrying many, especially at the heart of government.

“It’s baffling,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “We all assumed it would never function as we promised. It was just supposed to be an icon and billions out the back door to our chums. The weak of the herd would be culled carrying about a smart phone with a dumb app. This is like Stonehenge suddenly glowing at night and emitting an electromagnetic field as its alien builders prepare to return and take away our tax havens. Chilling stuff. It’s clearly nothing to do with letting the virus rip and one in sixty-five Britons having the virus last week.”

But the most searing criticism is from the VIP channel of Tory Party friends and donors. To say they are unimpressed is to understate it. They have zero concern whether or not humans who can’t be bothered to be born privileged live or die.

“We paid good money to prop up Johnson’s catastrophic regime in the expectation of a sizeable return on investment. First via Brexit and now the pandemic. Disaster capitalism 101. It’s perfect. We expect the people to die! This is outrageous. Next you’ll be expecting us to supply useable PPE.”

DOMSHOTS : Matt Hancock isn’t taking the latest revelations about his ability to perform his vitally important function as Secretary of State for Health and Social Care and WhatsApp Messages in silence.

As the great stink caused by super genius Cummings revelations about what Boris Johnson actually thinks of Mr Hancock’s performance during the pandemic permeated the Westminster bubble Mr Hancock released a statement.

“Of course I’m totally fucking hopeless,” Mr Hancock admitted with a candour that surprised many. “That was the entire basis of why I was hired. Do you think anyone with a functioning cerebral cortex would work for a dithering chancer like Johnson? Give it a rest.”

It’s not clear what impact super forecaster Dom expected with his latest Domocet missile aimed at the heart of Downing Street. Presumably he’s expecting it to change something. Presumably he’ll be wrong, and not for the first time.

“You all know I’m totally fucking hopeless,” Mr Hancock continued to hit back, “you’ve been living with me as Health Secretary through the entire pandemic. Well, not all of you clearly, there’s been an unforgivable degree of completely avoidable death. I would blame Mr Johnson for that. He’s the one who missed all the COBRA meetings because he didn’t give a shit. And of course was too busy watching Changing Rooms with his then mistress.”

10 Downing Street similarly seemed entirely nonplussed by the PM’s former aide’s latest attempt to hole the HMS Bullshit in the bows.

“Mr Johnson was merely stating the entire employment criteria for anyone who serves in his cabinet. He wants clapping seals not competence. It’s not exactly a world beating revelation now, is it?”

FUHRERAGE : PEOPLE UP AND DOWN THIS GREAT LAND are reportedly FURIOUS AGAIN today about whatever it is we’ve decided they should be FURIOUS ABOUT!

The news that people are furious is exactly the same as the news that people were FURIOUS yesterday. The difference being today it’s a different concocted, culture war bollocks to stop people BEING FURIOUS about the 130,000 preventable pandemic deaths.

“PEOPLE ARE RIGHTLY FURIOUS!” a contact at Gammon Daily told LCD Views.

“Which is the way we need them to be. If they weren’t furious about whatever it is we’ve told them to be furious about they maybe furious over tax havens. Or social justice. Or structural racism. Or the lowest state pension in Europe. OR CLIMATE CHANGE AND THE PETROCHEMICAL INDUSTRY. Or the absolute calamity of their government and its liars lying all the time about lying. BUT WE LIKE THE GOVERNMENT as THEY WORK FOR OUR BOSSES. SO YOU HAVE TO BE FURIOUS ABOUT FLAGS!”

Happily however furious you are TODAY about whatever it is you’re supposed to be furious about today you’ll get the chance to be FURIOUS about something different tomorrow.

“Tomorrow we’ll tell you to be furious about MARXISTS ON THE FOOTBALL PITCH. Or Harry and Meghan. Or bloody Corbyn. Or GOD DAMN STARMER ALWAYS BEING RIGHT ABOUT THE PLAGUE. Anything so long as you’re not FURIOUS about all the ministers found to be breaking the law and NO ONE DOING ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT IT.”

STAY FURIOUS! But just don’t stay furious about one thing, otherwise you may start to try and do something about it.

CASHIN’ IN AND CASHIN’ OUT : GLOBAL TRACK AND TRACE SUPERSTAR DIDO HARDING has taken a few moments out of her search for the Loch Ness Monster to talk to the press about her time running the UK’s world beating Track & Trace service.

Harding gave the interview while wearing a 24ct gold suit and a bespoke neck torc made entirely of brass. The reason for talking now was to reassure everyone that if she gets to run the NHS we will all get exactly what we expect.

LCD Views doubts Harding will head up the NHS and suspects the story is just a dead cat. However we are currently run by complete bellends so anything is possible. The least we can do is let Dido explain what happened with track and trace.

“That’s not my fault,” Ms Harding shrugged. “I’m a jockey. Exactly what did you expect when I’ve already failed at a mobile phone company? Yeah, let’s get her to set up from scratch an infectious disease track, trace and isolate service. Sheer bloody genius don’t you think? Let’s use our corporate donors who also have zero experience and generally screw up everything but accepting the public cash. Megabrain stuff. Especially as there was already a vast network of public health assets experienced at the task who just needed the resources.”

While Harding’s invented self-awareness in her media round may reassure some, most will remain concern she is a prime example of how fast you can fail upwards in the Tory chumocracy.

“If you’ve got any problems with my work take it up with the anti-corruption tsar. He’s my husband. And yes, we are laughing at you. You’re pathetic.”

The interview round was terminated abruptly at that point, although it did take Harding some time to leave the studio due to the weight of her suit.

“Best if you go first,” she muttered. “I’ll crawl away quietly into a corner with all this gold until I’m needed again.”

*naughty puppy on torn chair used as image as Shutterstock offers you a naughty puppy on a chair when you search for Dido Harding. Well.

THE JUDGEMENT OF HISTORY : The UK’s last Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to have an unpaid debt subject to a county court judgement to the tune of £550ish. There has been fevered speculation today as to who the debt is owed to.

“Everyone is barking up the wrong tree,” an expert on the matter told LCD Views. “It’s clearly too low to be child maintenance, when you consider how prodigious a sire he is. Maybe a cleaning bill for a sofa stained with wine? Why bother. Just throw out the sofa and start over. A donor will cover that without breaking a sweat. Perhaps an IT course top up? Far too low again. Drycleaning bill for a Union Jack that has been well shagged? Possible, but I suspect the flag would just be quietly incinerated. The answer is obvious.”

The answer, according to our expert, is that the debt is owed to the truth, to common decency, to probity, honesty, dignity, fidelity, the people and to history.

“It’s obvious the debt owed is much, much greater than is being reported. Rishi Sunak is getting a reputation for turning down the PM’s bigger financial requests, but happily for the austere Chancellor Boris Johnson will eventually have to pay this debt back himself.”

The date he will repay his debt to the truth is unclear. He seems to be able to run up bills daily and stride on without even looking back to see if anyone at all is paying. But the debt is growing and one day a karmic avalanche will collect.

ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL AND IN THE DARKNESS BIND THEM : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson has given what may prove to be one of his last executive orders.

The diktat focuses on his former advisor Dominic Cummings and is aimed at leaving a fitting tribute to the super-genius-super-forecaster.

“Mr Johnson has ordered a statue of Dom installed at Traitor’s Gate,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s designed it himself, with just a little bit of help from Carrie.”

The decision to place the statue at Traitor’s Gate, Tower of London, is not thought in anyway to be a subtle message as to the PM’s current feelings towards a man he famously had a long running public bromance with.

“It’s just because the location is so prominent. He wanted to install the statue next to Winston Churchill, but Priti Patel was too busy jamming the area with police and the workmen couldn’t get through. So the Tower was the next obvious location of choice.”

An unveiling ceremony is due to take place later today but we have seen advance images of the statue and can confirm that it is incredibly lifelike. If you were to chance upon it you would think you were in the presence of the man himself.

“Mr Johnson is going to cut the ribbon at the ceremony later today personally,” the source confirms. “After which he intends to smash an entire crate of Bollinger against it to signify the depths of his admiration for all of Dom’s achievements.”

What Mr Cummings thinks of the statue isn’t yet known, although presumably we will soon be able to read about it in a 2011 blog.

“There really should be a statue of Mr Johnson standing alongside it,” the source adds. “For every world beating thing they did for the country they did together.”

FIGHT LIKE RATS : THE UK’S JOINT SOVEREIGNS, BORIS JOHNSON AND DOMINIC CUMMINGS, have begun to have a very public falling out. You have probably noticed.

While most believed that Dom’s dramatic exit from Downing Street late last year was just the latest wheeze between the power couple, others suspected it was at the behest of the then incoming White House administration and Boris Johnson was just following orders.

“It was. Biden/Harris and the whole team loathe Johnson and Cummings. They were going to be too busy to order Johnson to fire himself but it wasn’t much work to get Johnson to fire Dom. And then wait for Dom’s god complex to curdle into seeking vengeance.”

And seeking vengeance Cummings clearly now is. Many still mistake the current public outbursts as just more dead cats, but given the content of the dead cats…well, branding them with revelations of potential lawbreaking in order to distract seems not the genius Mr Cummings is so famous for (in his own lunchbox and on his own blog).

That is not to say all principles of solid Johnson/Cummings governance are being thrown out of the window. Any major public event clearly needs a three word slogan or what’s the point of it?

“They’re going to meet in the Rose Garden and decide what slogan to choose,” the source reveals. “Dom is said to favour ‘Dom means Dom’ but that’s too egocentric for Boris who is said to want to push it out to five words and use ‘For Whom The Dom Tolls’. That’s no good either, clearly, as the focus is still on Cummings. When Johnson sobers up he’ll realise it and start again.”

The public are sure to have their own ideas. Liar versus Liar is already popular. And you can be certain that many more will be suggested as the handbags at dawn play out.

DIVINE INTERVENTION : Renowned lost lamb of God, and serial voter against feeding hungry children, Jacob Rees-mogg, has had his prayers answered by receiving a personal message from Jesus.

The message is reported to have been delivered personally by the Saviour and has been labelled as such a ‘Saviourgram’.

Jesus is said to have had “a gut full of the hypocrisy” of powerful public figures who preach his message while “routinely and instinctively” behaving in the exact opposite fashion.

It’s hard to think of a public figure of self-professed faith more deserving of a visitation, although clearly the Prime Minister should also come into the frame.

It’s not known how Jesus intends to spend the rest of his day, although rumours suggest he’s going to a backyard birthday party carrying only a big bottle of water and a paddling pool.

“It’s likely he will visit other Tory MPs though,” our Divine Intervention Correspondent suggests. “After he’s told Rees-mogg to fuck off.”

There is certainly plenty of work for him to do if he’s minded, what with the hostile environment of the Boris Johnson government towards anyone not a party donor.

“It’s believed Matt Hancock is attempting to track him down in the hope of gifting him a PPE contract. But we suspect Jesus is as keen on people attempting to buy indulgences as he is on Priti Patel’s policy towards desperate refugees.”

Ms Patel is of course the one reason the risen Lord is only expected to stay in the United Kingdom for today only.

“There’s no question about it,” our correspondent confirms. “If the Home Office’s Clandestine Channel Threat Commander gets hold of Jesus the Home Secretary will have him deported before anyone has had a chance to have another cross constructed.”