Rescue teams call off search for reasons why Labour MPs should support Johnson’s toxic Tory ‘Brexit deal’

WTF ARE YOU THINKING : The Search and Rescue team hired by Kinnock, Flint and Hoey have called off the search for reasons why Labour MPs should support Boris Johnson’s toxic Tory Brexit Deal.

“Let me correct you there,” Head of Search and Rescue, Mr Jobs, told LCD Views, “it’s not a deal, it’s just a Withdrawal Agreement. The deal is to be negotiated after the withdrawal. A bit like Johnson in court facing proof he’s the father of a child he doesn’t want to acknowledge. And we couldn’t find any reason for any Labour MP to vote with Johnson. He’s made his bed, he should be made to lie in it, before being thrown out of it and shown the door.”

But supporters of the search hit back saying if reasons can’t be found for self-proclaimed socialist MPs to support a dodgy Tory deal, aimed at stripping democratised rights and private wealth off working people, than those same MPs would have to face up to their electorates.

“So?” Deputy Search chief, Mr Investment asked, “that’s part of the job description of an MP. Anyone who thinks continuing to morally validate Brexit, a project with no provable gains for ‘ordinary hardworking people’, the kind Labour claim to represent, is the right course of action needs to start searching for their conscience. And their backbone. Brexit has nothing to recommend it, unless you’re a tax dodger, and believe you me, we’ve searched.”

But the Labour MPs who are saying they’ll support Johnson’s ‘Deal’, even though it’s actually May’s Deal with a minus, are taking some convincing.

“What do you want us to do?” one demanded, “level with the voters we’re currently trying to baffle with a vacuous slogan of ‘getting Brexit done’ and potentially lose our seats if they won’t listen to the evidence?

“The proven Brexit ref electoral illegality, and proven broken promises of the Brexiters, and the fact it’s going to smash the country’s economy?

“We’ve been ignoring all that for years in the hope of our own personal political gain. Wrongheaded, but it’s late in the day to change now. We’re supposed to put the people first? That’s a bit tricky now.”

Well, any Labour MPs minded to support Johnson in his rush to avoid scrutiny and get Brexit done (well, started, it’ll be years in the doing), you’ve your place in history to write. It’s your choice.

And don’t get us started on the ex-Tory MPs who are saying they’ll back Boris. There’s no cure for a full frontal Brexit lobotomy it seems…

Survivors of sinister cult describe indoctrination by man with massive forehead

The love that dare not speak its truth – Brexit – has claimed many unfortunate victims, but a more worrying dimension has emerged. Recovering victims have spoken of a process of having their heads emptied, this act performed by an individual with an unnaturally large forehead.

Mental hygiene is a phrase much utilised, say recovered cult members. Clearing the mind of impurities, such as critical thought, paved the way to full indoctrination.

“Brainwashing is such an ugly word,” remarks survivor Carrie Ondokta to LCD Views’ Cult Culture correspondent. “But that’s what it was. It was done by a man we called ‘The Alien’. He had this enormous forehead, like Martians in their traditional image.”

Ondokta also remembers the man being referred to as ‘the Dom’. “We just assumed he was the dominant male,” she admitted.

Survivors remember many shadowy figures drifting around, constantly reinforcing the message. Ondokta remembers some of their code names. “Banksy, Boris the Animal, Saint Nigel. I did get to meet a lot of lovely Russians online, though they did seem a bit samey.”

Cult life was good at first. “Brilliant, in fact,” Ondokta confirms. “I felt empowered. For the first time in my life. I spent many happy hours learning how to win an argument by simply saying you lost, get over it. It was a rush, a thrill.”

Cult members happily donated money and sex to the leaders. “We felt loved and respected,” said Ondokta. “Every time we felt a bit bad, or some more annoying facts surfaced, they would give us a new slogan to chant, and sing the sovereignty song:

  “Freedom and sovereignty,

  “Are more than enough for you and me.”

Ondokta quit after being shown the cliff edge over which she was expected to leap joyfully. “Suddenly I realised how much danger I was in,” she said. “Something a bit like scales fell from my eyes, and suddenly the deception became apparent. I went from dog whistler to whistle blower.”

So she left. Leave means Leave.

SUPERGAMMONOVA : Army bomb disposal moves Tory Mark Francois to secure location, in case he explodes

FAHRENHEIT MARK’S REALLY DUMB : Westminster residents are sleeping easier tonight with the breaking news that TORY MP Mark ‘Fahrenheit’ Francois Ergsquire has been moved to a secure location until November.

The swift action by The Royal Logistics Corp was triggered by an appearance on television in which the seething ball of salty gammon stated that if the UK did not leave the EU on the 31st October 2019 it would explode.

Blow up.

The entire country.

Which of course reveals clauses in the treaties and agreements underpinning EU membership that until now, no one but Mark has bothered with.

“He would not just go red in the face? Slag off the Germans and sweat a lot like usual? But actually detonate? It’s alarming,” a combustibles specialist commented to LCD Views, “That statement, following the assertion the UK itself would blow up, is a little redundant though? Only cockroaches will survive an explosion on a countrywide scale. Unless. Oh. Wait about.”

Still, while praising the swift action on behalf of authorities to contain Mark, on health and safety grounds, just in case, critics have pointed out that the entire exercise is a waste of army time and resources.

“A bloke on day release with a bin bag could deal with an explosion the size of that little Penfold, surely?” a member of the public sagely asked.

LCD Views would like to wish Mark all the best and hope he is able to survive the UK not leaving the EU again. It must be very tiring to have to live in the 21st century all the time, when in your salty dreams you’re a Spitfire pilot giving the Hun what for.

Brother Does The Splits! Jo Johnson quits government (again) to spend less time with his family (again)

ALL BY MYSELF : In a totally unforeseeable turn of events prime minister Boris Johnson’s brother has quit the government (again) and taken steps to distance himself from the loser of the family.

“I want to focus on spending less time with my family, again, especially my bloody brother,” Jo Johnson told a packed press gallery today, “I am stepping down from whatever ministry it was I stepped up to a few weeks back, when Dad and Boris got me on a three way conference call and threatened to shave my head when I was asleep.”

But leaving government isn’t the only step Jo is taken to put some water between himself and his politically flailing sibling.

“Furthermore, I want it known that I have instructed my solicitors to change my name by dead poll to ‘Jo Go’, as that way, hopefully, no one will associate me with the burning ball of crap currently crashing to earth with terminal velocity.”

It’s not thought yet how Boris Johnson will take the departure of his sibling, as it’s surely another nail in his political coffin.

But a source inside Downing Street was relaxed about the resignation, saying,

“It’s saves Dom the effort of chugging down a bottle of Bollie and going over there to tell him to f off in person,” the source shrugged, “and besides, there’s still forty seven Johnson siblings currently serving as Conservative MPs, until the next purge, so Boris can just appoint the next blonde cab off the rank to whatever it was he bullied Jo into doing a few weeks back.”

Downing Street maybe taking the loss in their stumble, but it’s surely another sign that the end is nigh for a bungling administration that only yesterday took office.

The English Civil War was a “candy floss of confected outrage” by Roundheads – Noted historian speaks

HAUNTED TOOTHBRUSHES DO NOT HISTORIANS MAKE : Noted British parliamentarian, and feudal nostalgia punk freak, Jacob Rees-mogg, has taken some time out of his busy schedule daydreaming about bringing back serfdom, to (allegedly) speak to LCD Views.

“The English Civil War was a candy floss of confected outrage by Roundheads,” Mr Rees-mogg said, in between googling up Latin phrases, “they had no legitimate reason to be upset by the perfectly normal functioning of entirely representative absolutism, so they confected a big fuss in an attempt to gain popular support and overturn the will of one people.”

But what does he say about the suggestion that it is better for a chamber representing the regions of the country to make decisions on behalf of all, rather than a guy with a fancy hat who thinks God appointed him to rule alone?

“Do you not care for the livelihood of milliners?” Mr Rees-mogg droned, “it’s the mark of sophistication of a country the amount unelected leaders spend on hats. And the less accountable the expense, the better for all.”

And does the haunted toothbrush see any correlation between the English Civil War and the current crisis in British representative parliamentary democracy? In respect of a leader attempting to govern autocratically without reference to the people, or their representatives?

“What crisis? Those who seek to govern without accountability are doing very well indeed,” he smirked, “just so long as we can keep the commoner’s chamber dissolved, we can achieve all our aims at everyone else’s expense. And even if we fail, the mad instability on the exchange markets makes every day a pay day.”

What’s the latin word for suckers?

We didn’t win ww2 so Nigel Farage wouldn’t be on the £50 note, say brexiters

It’s PC gone mad, claim Brexiters. Why is a gay man who voted remain on the new £50 note, when Nigel Farage is around? We didn’t beat the jerries for this. This is not a progressive symbol of Brexit!

Very few Brexiters are willing to go on record, because they turn into whining snowflakes in the face of the PC police, but LCD Views found one who would.

“Print what the hell you like, I don’t care!” spat a furious Bill Dawall, MP for Reds-under-the-Bed. “I’ll say what I want, it’s a free country, which is why we need to kick out all the blacks and poofs and lefties!”

Dawall, resplendent in his MAGA hat, which was almost as red as his face, warmed to his theme.

“I say it as it is!” he bellowed. “You can’t turn your back on them or they jump you, they are on every street corner, I can’t go out any more, what a world, what a sad, sad world.”

While Dawall worked himself into a self-righteous rage, we nudged him back on topic. The £50 note, Bill.

“Now the lefty government is shoving people who didn’t even pick up a rifle and head to the frontline into our pockets!” he raged. “It’s a conspiracy! The international Communist movement controlling our government is forcing us to be PC gone mad! They are bending over backwards for a minority again, and ignoring the ordinary, hard-working, straight white man as usual. It’s PC gone completely crackers. We need to Nigel Farage right now to stop this madness!”

We reminded Bill that Alan Turing was a war hero, who cracked the Enigma code, shortening the war by 2 years and saving up to 14 million lives.

“Yeah, but he wasn’t in the Blitz, wasn’t he?” countered Dawall. “That’s what it’s all about. Yeah, you helped us win the war, now bye bye, you’re not wanted because you didn’t PICK UP A RIFLE AND HEAD TO THE FRONT WITH NIGEL. Now, Nigel is a true hero, saving us from all the bloody bluerowcrats in Brussels!”

With that he stumped back to his empty constituency office to nurse his xenophobia, homophobia and worry about how great Nigel looks with a pint.

Boris Johnson fears bad syntax tax will lead to personal bankruptcy

HIGH COST OF WORD SALADS : Boris Johnson has revealed a hitherto unseen sensitive side today when talking about his personal fears regarding a tax on bad syntax.

“We have to…aaaahhh….like Agamemmon in the hall of memes…constructing a bus. A red bus. What I do is…ummmm…I get these memes of Troy and I paint them,” Mr Johnson, sloth like on a sofa, revealed, “with pictures. Happy pictures of fillies I’ve lusted after. The minotaur mounts the big eyed doe. It makes the commies very envious. I tell you! Ha! Tax is theft. I’m Robin Hood. Like a man in green tights holding a bow aloft the sparkling lake, the hand clad in the purest shimmering seamens.”

The tax on bad syntax was introduced by a previous Tory administration, but it’s out the door if Mr Johnson succeeds in becoming prime minister.

“I just could not pay a syntax tax, morally or fiscally,” he continued, “the Battle of the Bulge. All over again! Surrounded on all sides by tax collectors. Word salads. What I do is, I make word salads because they appeal to idiots. I am rightly proud of my salads. They’re my raison determination.”

Whether or not the other chap in the running to be the next prime minister, Jeremy Hunt, would also review the syntax tax, and other wrath inducing levies on fun, isn’t clear.

He is however thought to favour a new tax on the mispronunciation of public figure’s names. Specifically his own name, Mr Hunt, which for a completely baffling reason is continually mispronounced incorrectly. A very taxing problem indeed.

Doctors say Mark Francois’s small man syndrome is incurable

YOU’RE A SMALL MAN REALLY, AREN’T YOU : Doctors working to treat Tory MP for Rayleigh and Wickford, Mark Francois, have released a statement this morning saying his case of small man syndrome is incurable.

“We tried standing him on an empty tea chest,” head specialist at the clinic, Doctor Long Leggs said, “but he was still an offensive little prat.”

Fitting the vindictive and quarrelsome little man with high heels was similarly useless.

“He fell over every time. Lay there like a beetle on its back, tiny limbs waving uselessly, threatening to bite anyone that tried to help him. Clearly the treatment was worse than the cure, so we abandoned that too.”

Psychological counselling was also a non-starter.

“He’s so insecure, he’s just so small, we couldn’t reach him. We even tried leaving him locked in an isolation chamber so there was no reference to how petty he is from the outside world, actually, from the entire universe, but it didn’t work. The hole inside is too deep. He actually fell further into himself and that could have become terminal. We had to pull him out. But then he was faced with men who will always be taller than he is, regardless of their physical height, and he went red in the face and started screaming about what he’d left behind on the beaches of Normandy. It was a pathetic sight.”

But with treatment impossible the search is now on for what to do to make his life as comfortable as possible.

“We suggest he lives out his days as Jacob Rees-mogg’s toilet roll holder. At least then he can be happy, close to the source of all the shit that makes him feel worthwhile and supplies his mistaken sense of self-importance. When really he’s just a means to an end.”

FURY at revelation GOD no longer an ENGLISHMAN after he applies for German citizenship

RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION : Religiously driven Brexiters are venting their FURY at the revelation GOD is no longer an Englishman today after he successfully applied for German citizenship.

“I won’t stand for it!” Mark Francois told LCD Views, while taking a water break from combat training, “we’re calling on all patriotic Englishmen to join us in a mass protest outside Saint Paul’s Cathedral.”

Why Saint Paul’s?

“Because that’s where God lives.”

But it’s Saint Paul’s Cathedral? It says so in the name.

“Look, don’t come at me with facts, I’m trained to avoid them. But maybe we better protest outside the German embassy then and demand they reverse the traitorous decision. This is just spiteful. German carmakers are supposed to be banging down Merkel’s door demanding she gives us a bespoke trade deal, not stealing our deity!”

Surely God can do what he likes?

“Not anymore! Not since Brexit became the state religion. Now Brexit decides what Englishmen can do and GOD IS AN ENGLISHMAN. Everyone knows that.”

It’s not clear exactly why God decided to give up his British citizenship and apply for German citizenship instead, but our resident vicar believes it’s to do with the differing paths the countries have chosen.

“He can’t stand the hypocrisy,” our resident vicar states, “May turns up at one of his many houses each Sunday to put on a show of being Christian, but her every action when she was in high office is designed to punish the vulnerable. It sticks in God’s craw. And don’t get God started on Boris! He’s done with it. Oh, and he wants to retain access to the single market and keep his freedom of movement IF Brexit happens.”

Presumably the different reaction at government level to the migrant crisis may have had something to do with it? And the way the Home Office is attempting to deport everyone? Merkel brings in over a million refugees, saving the east of Europe from chaos at high personal and political cost, while the British government hides behind the sofa? Doing its level best to deport two year olds.

“You’d have to ask God, but I suspect that also weighed on the scales when he decided on the move.”

Presumably this means Jesus can also get German citizenship now?

“Why not? Do you want to give up your right to travel, live, work, love, reciprocal health care and the ability to settle as you like across an entire continent?”

No. I see it as a gross betrayal of my children.

“And the Holy Ghost.”

He’s got a German passport too?

“Yes. It’s a trifecta.”

Wow. So how is the Devil taking it? This has presumably wrong footed him?

“He’s demanding an emergency meeting of the 1922 committee and demanding a change to the rules governing citizenship, to make it impossible for God to do this.”

Retrospective immigration rule change? How is that possible? It’s state sanctioned psychological torture of millions.

“Anything is possible if you believe in Brexit. Ask the millions of EU27 citizens already living through it, with both major political parties determined to end freedom of movement.”

Looks like God doesn’t believe in Brexit.

“It’s a pity. He didn’t try hard enough. But the choice of burgundy passport is interesting. German? This will really wind up the idiots.”