Staying safe in education is a tricky business during the pandemic. The DfE is taking its responsibilities unseriously as usual. The Health Secretary, whose ability to be repellent is legendary, will hold back the incoming tide alone.
Even Matt Hancock cannot guard every school in the country in person. So “Classic” Dom Cummings’ DfE snitch has revealed that a technological solution is in the pipeline.
The plan is to install a holographic version of Hancock outside every school, college and university in England. His likeness will stand, hand outstretched, to stem the incoming tide in imitation of the equally successful King Canute.
This hologram will, of course, be world beating. Development is a little way off, but Boris Johnson has promised that it will be up and running by half term. To facilitate this remarkable achievement, unspeakable amounts of public money have been bestowed upon a Tory donor.
VirtualHancock v.1 will merely hold the virus back. The hotly anticipated v.2 will announce, repeatedly, in a commanding voice. “Thou shalt not pass!” Viruses, as Dr Jacob Rees-Mogg advises, understand archaic English. They will turn away instantly, rendering the school as safe as houses. Children naturally ignore every instruction they receive, and will foolishly rush in where angels fear to tread.
“Virtual public figures are big business in the EU,” claimed modern technology expert Val Vamp. “Successful projections have been trialled, and the prototype is available on the open market.”
The unspoken question is, why not buy into the existing tech instead of spaffing vast sums on something vastly inferior that doesn’t work?
“The Brits refuse to buy from the EU,” sneered Vamp. “Some nonsense about sovereignty as usual. It’s just a combination of misplaced pride and a desire to pour our hard earned taxes into their mates’ pockets.”
Schools are not taking any chances. Many are already making effigies of Hancock for bonfire night, but will happily dangle them from the school gate instead.