OVEN READY TOILET : THE UK is said to be in a state of severe shock today after the discovery that bears shit in the woods.
The alarming new information began to trickle out across social media platforms last night as first the FT, and then other outlets, raised the alarm.
“I built a special lean to with a bear toilet in it,” George Eustice, Environment Secretary, told LCD Views, “it has specially oversized toilet paper, one of those little 70’s carpet type things around the bowl and everything. Why would a bear not use it?”
The Right Hon George wasn’t the only one in shock. At the time of going to print medics were considering whether or not to place the entirety of the UK in a controlled coma.
The bear who is said to have been observed shitting in the woods and causing the alarm has been described by witnesses as :
- Dyed, generally unruly blonde hair
- Shabby of coat with a preference for anthropomorphising itself by dressing up in ill fitting human clothes – essentially appears to be an old fashioned circus animal, which has escaped.
- Prolific breeder
“Maybe the clue is in the outfits?” David Davis, keen observer of bear shit, told LCD Views, “I mean I know I’m famously thick as mince, but you don’t expect to teach a bear to wear man clothes and then find it shitting in the woods?”
Specialists will be consulted to attempt to explain the phenomenon in due course, but the rule of thumb appears to be ‘If his lips are moving, he’s lying”.