Reports of passenger activity on Southern’s official Twitter account suggest passengers are turning to cannibalism in order to survive.
It appears the change in behaviour began late yesterday afternoon, during a record breaking delay in service which saw dozens of hungry and frustrated passengers stranded at Streatham Common station in southwest London for nearly an hour.
The tweets detailing the incident have since been removed, presumably by the train operator, but LCD Views has obtained transcripts from an untrustworthy source.
We took these to world famous anthropologist, Prof B. Leave-Me for analysis.
“It’s clear what happened,” the professor stated. “Let’s call my reply the ‘06:24 reply to LCD Views question regarding Southern rail passenger cannibalism’.”
As it was 06:24 and his answer was expected we agreed.
He then paused for an unexpected and lengthy delay. We had no choice but to wait.
“Just a minute,” Professor Leave-Me adjusted his glasses, squinted at the transcripts and appeared to go to sleep.
Inquiries as to why he had gone silent were unanswered. We had no choice but to wait.
Eventually the professor made the following statement:
“The 06:24 reply to LCD Views’ question regarding rail passenger cannibalism has been delayed.”
The professor then held up a hand drawn note with the time “06:38” written on it.
We settled in and began fiddling with our phone, seeking distraction in anything in order to pass the time. Ozzy Man Reviews got us through a few minutes. Followed by Jonathon Pie.
But given we were relying on the professor to make good his offer of assistance so we could continue to our next interview with a performance artist who combines eggs with faces in unexpected places, it was a nervous wait.
The professor began to snore.
Just as we were about to get up and leave his office he suddenly lurched out of his seat and made the following statement:
“The 06:24 reply to LCD Views’ question regarding Southern rail passenger cannibalism has been cancelled because of a shortage of brown sauce.”
Oh for f*ck’s sake.