DICTATOR PERPETUO : THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS, LINDSAY HOYLE, is said to be looking for a new place to sit today after his chair was replaced overnight with a statue of Dominic Cummings.
It’s believed his admonition of Health Secretary, Matt “those men who died on the beaches” Hancock, yesterday was taken as a personal attack on the UK’s tyrant, Dominic Cummings, and a swift response was forthcoming.
“Lyndsay may get an upturned bucket to sit on,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if he’s lucky. If he’s really lucky it will be in the corridor. If he’s not so lucky it will be attached to a ducking stool under the control of Priti Patel.”
The statue itself is said to be a wonder of classical design and to have Boris Johnson green with envy.
“Boris is mad that he wasn’t commissioned by Dom to make the statue out of empty wine crates. But Dom felt bronze was the right material to use, especially for his neck.”
The replacing of the Speaker will help speed up the business of the House of Commons.
“There’s no chance Caesar Cummings will allow any MPs to speak. Actually it will probably be in all their best interests just to lay cut roses at its feet every morning and pray they survive the purges to come.”
Reports that some cheeky kids from the SNP have already snuck into the Chamber and stuck a standard eye test chart to the chest of the statue have been denied.
“They’re not allowed into Dom’s chamber anymore. So it’s not possible.”
Veni. Vidi. Ego ruit Britannia.