LESS USEFUL THAN A POSTCARD : GREAT NEWS TODAY THAT DOWNING STREET HAS FOUND A WAY TO MEND BRIDGES THAT MAY HAVE BEEN DAMAGED BY THE LORRY QUEUE IN KENT.
Later this evening Boris Johnson is to dress up as a lorry driver and visit the 1000’s of stranded EU27 truck drivers. Whether or not Carrie or Dylan will accompany him isn’t yet clear. But either way it promises to be a heartwarming occasion.
“But that’s not all,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “he’ll be bringing each one of them a gift. A token of our appreciation for their choice to stay in Kent this festive period.”
The token will be a replica British Blue Passport which they can take home to remember their working holiday this side of the Channel.
“It will certainly bring a smile to their faces to meet the actual Prime Minister of the United Kingdom,” the source continues, “essentially Churchill reborn. But to add to the charm offensive, the replica passports will find a home in every fireplace, no matter which EU27 country the driver eventually returns to.”
It was initially thought the best way to say thank you, you’re welcome, would have been to rapidly roll out mass testing to convince EU authorities that the drivers wouldn’t be bringing home the new mutant Covid we’ve bred especially in the UK.
“That idea was abandoned because most friends of serving cabinet ministers have already jetted off to the private islands they bought with the proceeds of PPE contracts. So who the hell would you gift the contract to? Hence the passports.”
The only potential snag in the plan is a little trouble getting the replica passports to Kent in time.
“They’re being manufactured in Poland by the same French company that makes the real passports. But the trucks that would bring them to the UK are currently stuck in Kent.”