Study reveals PM spent more time choosing new wallpaper for flat than Parliament spent negotiating Brexit deal

WALLPAPER MUST MATCH SOFA SOFA MUST MATCH HATSTAND : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister has been confirmed as a dedicated family man after a study.

The study focused on the relative value he placed on negotiating his final Brexit deal versus how much time he spent choosing new wallpaper with his current partner for the flat refurbishment.

“They spent weeks debating whether to ironically choose new wallpaper featuring Fleur-de-lis or just use hand pressed sheets of gold so everyone else knows they’re a pleb?” the study reveals.

The value and time given to the refurbishment cements the PM’s reputation as a focused family man and dispels suggestions his serial infidelity says something else.

“Just imagine if he’d spent weeks focused on ensuring he got a Brexit deal that protected fishing and ensured stability in Northern Ireland?” the authors ask, searchingly. “Carrie would have been left there forlorn with shabby John Lewis peasant pattern sofas and walls you don’t need sunglasses to gaze at. It would have sent a terrible message about the value he placed on family life. Which the unknown number of children he’s fathered with an unknown number of women definitely does not.”

The report also states that the offhand way he negotiated Brexit also helped ensure his status as a global powerbroker.

“He really showed the EU up. They were left standing about hair pulling feeling completely impotent as he would barely give them the time of day. Which is only right and proper when you’re spending hundreds of thousands of pounds of anonymous donor money on cushions.”

The final nail was of course giving Parliament one day to consider and vote on the Brexit deal.

“Showed them up for the shower they are. Classic Boris. He clicked his heels, raised a flat hand high and hundreds of elected representatives just bowed under and held their sacred responsibilities in complete contempt. The Mother of Parliaments, what are you like? Maybe call in Lulu Lytle and get help papering over the Democratic cracks?”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *