Super Saturday – Sturgeon declares Scottish independence while everyone in England is at the pub getting Covid

QUICK WHILE THEY’RE NOT LOOKING : NICOLA STURGEON became the first President of the newly created Republic of Scotland today, and got away with it.

“She’s expected to have adopted the Euro and achieved continued EU membership for Scotland by the end of Sunday,” our Brussels’ insider said, “and we suspect even have completed the border wall, with EU funding, between Scotland and England, and begun accepting English ‘remain’ refugees before any English MPs pull their heads out of their brown paper bags long enough to see what’s been going on.”

The timing of the declaration is believed to be down to Ms Sturgeon’s political nous.

“Get why the getting is good, as they say, well not in Scotland, across the pond I think,” our correspondent continues, “Anyone in England minded to resist Scottish independence will be at the pub today anyway. And they need to secure the border before the next wave of Coronavirus takes hold in England.”

Wales is also understood to be ready to universally declare independence from Westminster, and is expected to be joined by NI, The Falklands and Gibraltar when they do, perhaps forming a union of like minded democracies fit for the 21st century.

We did seek comment from Downing Street on the surprising development, but received only a brief note in reply, “As long as no one is talking about the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in the EU Referendum we don’t care. Actually this just helps our plans to turn London into the world money laundering hub, so we’re all for it. And now when English shopkeepers attempt to refuse Scottish money, they’ll finally be justified in doing it!”

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