Surgeons successfully remove Boris Johnson’s tongue from Donald Trump’s backside

Our heroic Foreign Secretary and Donald Trump wannabe has come through a major operation to extract his tongue from his hero’s backside. Early indications are that he will soon be back to normality.

The procedure was carried out under general anaesthetic at an undisclosed golf course in the USA. Rumours suggest that each of Donald Trump’s golf courses incorporates an integral medical facility. Their raison d’’être is to confirm the President’s excellent health and suitability for the job. More importantly, they ensure that he is well enough to complete 18 holes.

The crisis arose from Johnson’s recent violent attack of brown-nosing. Although rarely fatal, the condition can lead to unpleasant side-effects, such as finding that one’s tongue becomes lodged in another’s backside.

The surgeon who performed the delicate operation, Dr R. Slicker, spoke to LCD’s Medical Calamities correspondent. ““The procedure took much longer than is usual in such cases,”” he stated. “”Normally, copious amounts of alcohol are used instead of anaesthetic. Then a sharp blow to the head with the palm of one’s hand is generally sufficient for the tongue to break free.””

Dr Slicker was unable to say whether Mr Johnson would regain full use of his tongue, but warned that when he talked, to expect the aroma of bullshit.

““I have never seen such an advanced case,”” said the bewildered doctor. “”Mr Johnson’s tongue was so exceptionally deeply inserted that it had suffered from severe elongation. It will be a while before he can insert it back into his own cheek.””

Another relieved man was Mr Trump. His backside now clear of tongue, he lived up to his name, bigly. Never one to miss an opportunity, he tweeted: “”Please inform Kim Jong Un that I too have a nuclear Butt, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Butt works!””

Fortunately, Mr Johnson’s condition will not prevent him from correctly pronouncing words such as ‘fimblewimble’, ‘ostentameous,’ and ‘calamitrosity’.

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