We are selling off the NHS because your mum’s fat, says Boris Johnson

POUNDING THE PAVEMENTS: Lose the lockdown pounds to save pounds for the NHS, says Number Ten. Or, in other words, you plump idle scroungers are forcing us to sell the NHS to pay for our liposuction.

Boris being Boris, the portly Prime Minister sold this message with a photograph of Dilyn the dog taking him for a walk. Whether the questionable canine really was Dilyn, or a hurried substitute in the manner of the recent “Wilfred” picture, is a moot point.

But the message doesn’t apply to Johnson or any of the Vote Leave mafia squatting on our democracy. These playground bullies pick on anybody and everybody who is not like them.

“By failing to vote to protect the NHS, you are essentially putting it on the table as a bargaining chip in a future trade deal,” goes the argument. “Yeah, but your mum’s fat,” comes the reply. “And my dad could beat up your dad!”

There’s absolutely no answer to that.

“My mum’s NOT fat!” wails the UK, brandishing a portrait of Britannia herself with a sinking feeling. “Your mum’s fa-at! Your mum’s fa-at!” jeer all the Boris Bullies, holding the UK down and punching it in the face while stealing its dinner money.

Let us be entirely clear, as any disrespectful politician wishing to muddy the waters would say. The prospective sale of the NHS is nothing to do with Brexit, or the desperate scramble to seal a deal, any deal, with Donald Trump’s USA. It is absolutely nothing to do with a desire to chop it up into lots of lovely lucrative little cash cows. Instead, it is totally the fault of anybody with a fat mother, or who is a bit chubby themselves, or simply knows of somebody who could probably shed a few pounds.

So there. Pay up, you podgy porkers. Let that be a lesson to everybody who has ever had chips instead of salad. Ner nerny ner ner!

Post Brexit food shortages will ensure that the population is as slimmed down as whatever is left of the NHS.

Protection for the NHS removed: I don’t remember seeing that on the side of a bus

THE SICK MAN OF EUROPE: MPs voted to remove legislation that would have prevented the NHS from becoming a bargaining chip in future trade deals. It’s a far cry from the referendum bus which promised an extra £350m a week to the NHS.

Extensive research, or even a quick search on Google, reveals that Boris Johnson, Matt Hancock, and even Donald Trump have denied that the NHS is on the table as part of a trade deal. Now Parliament has voted against protecting it. The dead cat is amongst the pigeons now.

Parliament also voted down the right to scrutinize any future trade bills. So the NHS could be sold off without challenge. It’s a far cry from Take Back Control.

How did we get here? Promises made by Leavers are clearly not worth the bus they are painted on, although these promises were enough to win them crucial votes.

So the notorious referendum was won, at least in part, by lies. That’s before considering the alleged influence of Russian interests, and the subsequent elevation to de facto Prime Minister of alleged Russian double agent Dominic Cummings.

We have been told, time and time again, that Leave voters knew exactly what they were voting for. But they voted for extra money for the NHS. It was in big letters on a big red bus.

Leave voters voted for a better Britain, not one that sells its democracy to a foreign country. The racist ones voted for fewer foreigners, not more. They voted for the NHS, not against. Many of them were led up the garden path and sold down the river.

But the dismantling of the NHS was predictable the moment Brexit became policy. Far from holding all the cards, the UK is down to its last few pieces of family silver, which it will flog off cheaply and desperately to get a trade deal.

I don’t remember seeing any of that on the side of a bus.

PPE company with no PPE rumoured to deliver excellent pizzas

Get a pizza the action! One company that won a contract to supply PPE has none at all to sell, although it does a tasty line in fast food.

The spectre of the much unlamented Chris Grayling still hangs over the government’s procurement system. It seems that government business is still being allocated on a purely random basis, topped with cheese, and half-baked for ten minutes at gas mark 8.

In fact, the nearest thing to PPE that this unfortunate company has is a pair of oven gloves and a pinny.

In better news though, the pizzas it delivers are some of the best around. “We only use the finest ingredients,” boasted managing director Mac Aroni. “Italian flour, Italian mozzerella, Italian tomatoes. Fuck knows how we will source them after the UK stops trading with Italy next year.”

Is the PPE supply business a sideline, a way of diversifying?

“No, my email was a practical joke,” admitted Aroni. “My good friend Fay Smask practically spammed the government with offers to supply PPE, but never got an answer. So I did too, for shits and giggles. Now I have this enormous contract and no equipment. Thick crust or thin and crispy?”

So long as it’s oven ready I’m not bothered.

Can’t you come to an agreement with Smask to supply the necessary?

“No, trouble is she got an order from the EU,” grumbled Aroni. “They bought everything she had in stock and everything she could source.”

Any idea why they wouldn’t buy from her?

“Don’t know,” admitted Aroni. “But the thing is, they always do due diligence, and although her company is rock solid, her Twitter account has an EU flag next to her name. Whereas mine has a union jack.”

PPE might, one day, be delivered. Possibly. On an Uber ferry, no doubt.

Downing Street expected to promise nurses “who survive” working without PPE a pay rise

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS : THE UK GOVERNMENT’S RUBBER GLOVE, Matt “those men who died on the beaches” Hancock is expected to make a bold and bankable promise to the UK’s nurses today.

“Not just nurses,” a ‘source’ inside both Downing Street and the Dept for Voluntary Causes of Death told LCD Views, “porters, doctor chaps, cleaners, well, the whole raft really. They can all expect a pay rise.”

The pay rise can be sourced immediately “should they choose to quit the NHS and go and work for a private contractor”, or, the pay rise can be “jam tomorrow if they choose not to enrich our chums who own companies that supply NHS staff by contract.”

The position, described as “balanced” by industry lobbyists, is intended to both offer nurses encouragement as they “wage war” against Covid-19 in bin bags and face masks bought at Homebase (other DIY and trade outfits are accessible), but not “unfairly undercut the free market in health provision within the national health service”.

But there was a note of caution.

Recently the Health Secretary Matt Hancock did sagely say “now is not the time to discuss a pay rise” for nurses. Presumably because right now public sympathy for the profession is politically just too high and it is currently “untenable for a laugh in Parliament when we vote to reject the pay rise”.

How much the nurses, and associated professions, can expect to be gifted after “the dust has settled in the trenches” isn’t yet clear. But it will presumably be a “lower percentage than the annual MP salary increase and less than can be earned working for a private contractor”.

“Of course they won’t all get the pay rise,” the source adds, “your government spent January organising a commemorative Brexit 50p and not readying supplies of PPE, this means that not all will survive. But we will effusively thank them for their sacrifice. We’re so steeped in the myths of wars we didn’t personally fight in, it’s incapable to see this as a public health emergency. And in wars you sacrifice troops for victory.”

Underpaid and poorly equipped nurses delighted that Boris Johnson is feeling better

He shall rise on the third day, feeling a lot better and in good spirits. Hardworking NHS staff, on unskilled pay grades and lacking proper PPE, have been given a boost by the news.

“This makes life so much better straight the way,” remarked jubilant intensive care nurse Allie Looyah. “We face a difficult and dangerous job, treating highly infectious patients. No social distancing for us! They say they should of given us proper safety gear. Well, I say that’s health and safety gone mad, that is. The news that Boris is getting better is a real shot in the arm. It’s worth more than any amount of face masks and money!”

What do you think about people clapping for nurses?

“Clap for me? Well it wouldn’t be the first time!” she quipped. “Occupational hazard, innit? We was always playing doctors and nurses back in the day, know what I mean, bound to cop a dodgy one now and then. These days though, we are run off our feet, there ain’t no time to wave are legs in the air. Still, Boris is on the mend thank goodness. He can ruffle my feathers any time!”

No, no, we meant the weekly applause.

“Oh yeah, right you are,” giggled Looyah. “It warms the cockles, doesn’t it? Nothing like nice warm cockles. Makes it all worth while. Worth its weight in gold. Gives you a nice warm glow inside, reminds you that another week has passed and you’re still alive. It’s the best feeling in the world.”

Even if you haven’t got proper protection or adequate pay?

“Absolutely,” Looyah confirmed. “Boris getting better gives you hope too, doesn’t it? He’s a fighter as well as a lover!”

She stopped suddenly, closed her eyes, gasping as if short of breath. Not coronavirus symptoms?

“No, just imagining how I’d nurse Boris back to full health!” she admitted.

Don’t forget to use the right sort of protection.

Downing Street confirms it will ramp up social distance between itself and reality

The ramps go up to 11: The government has today confirmed that the social distance between itself and any resemblance to what the hell is going on in the country is being ramped up. Ramped up to 11. That’s 1 more rampier than the usual 10.

Traditionally, governments have always ensured that there is a distance of at least ten social strata between themselves and real life. This is being ramplified by including NHS staff as an extra tier, so that the parliamentarians can feel safer and more superior.

No Downing Street ‘source’ was available to comment. This is because the source of all the ‘sources’ has gone to ground claiming coronavirus infection. With the going of Cummings, it was left to Boris Johnson’s ‘personal assistant’ Carrie Borisbaby to brief us.

“Don’t quote me on this,” she said threateningly into her burn phone. “But I think they have finally lost it.”

Lost what?

“Any grasp on the reality of the situation,” she said. “People are dying, there is a desperate lack of medical equipment and protective clothing, mixed messages continue to be sent out. And yet, nothing happens except a bunch of people die and spokesmen waffle meaninglessly.”

So what is there to be done?

“Any number of things,” she replied. “But instead, the government is increasing the gap between itself and the country. It has self isolated in the sunlit uplands of the mind, where fine words not only butter parsnips but also solve all problems.”

Fiddling while Rome burns?

“Exactly,” she grumbled. “If they dither and delay long enough, the whole pandemic will have blown over before they actually have to put their hands in their pockets. The only thing being ramped up is government rhetoric.”

And of course the government is also ramping up its antisocial distancing.

Government rejects WHO advice to treat covid-19 with a sonic screwdriver

Trust me, I’m a doctor: unless you are a government which prides itself on ignoring experts. Especially since this particular Doctor saves the world single handedly every week armed with nothing more than a sonic screwdriver.

There are several factors behind the rejection, apart from a reluctance to take advice from people cleverer than themselves. First, the Doctor isn’t English, despite the accent and the eccentricity. Then there’s the fact of having two hearts, which is two more than the government generally likes their advisors to have. And of course the Doctor is currently a black woman.

“We aren’t racist, but we can’t afford to piss off Daily Mail readers,” explained a government ‘source’ in a shifty manner. “They are the lifeblood of our popular support, and that democracy is the second most important factor in this pandemic.”

The most important being that the population needs to be kept safe and has access to top quality health care.

“No, keeping the economy on its feet is our number one priority,” said the source. “You know what it looks like when some alien ‘expert’ flies in, steps out of a shabby blue box and solves everything with some well chosen words and a few buzzes of a sonic screwdriver?”

You should be grateful. Somebody cares enough to save the people from themselves.

“It makes us look weak and incompetent,” insisted the source. “This Doctor – who has no qualifications recognised by English hospitals – uses unproven equipment and doesn’t follow procedure. Has anyone ever seen the Doctor washing her hands?”

Well no, it doesn’t make good, fast moving television, does it? But that’s not the point. The Doctor gets results every time. We could learn a lot from her.

“She talks like a socialist, always going on about how brilliant people can be,” grumbled the source. “And socialism is wrong, even when it’s right!”

It’s a position to die for.

NHS to save BILLIONS on pensions as Hancock puts OAP Docs in Coronavirus trenches

IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSEPITAL : HEALTH WHIZ KID AND ALL ROUND APP PROMOTER, MATT HANCOCK, is not slouching at the blue sky wheel thinking as Coronavirus threatens.

“He’s drafting a plan to forcibly recruit retired doctors and nurses and put them on the front line,” an insider at the Department of Health told LCD Views, “initially the plan was to train them as customs officers, but now it’s to put them on the front line in the fight against Coronavirus.”

And it’s not just Matt who is thinking he’s a genius, a random, doe eyed girl, put up as a front for dark money, is ready to appear on any BBC panel show to proclaim the wisdom.

“Not much is known about Coronavirus yet, except that you can catch it from drinking a popular brand of beer,” Matt’s aide continued, “is it a Chinese bioweapon that escaped the lab? Is it a result of Mother Earth going F U humans and taking a swing – disproportionately at the demographic most likely to oppose efforts to limit climate change? Who knows. But what we do know is that it is way more lethal the older you are.”

This new idea, part stop gap to deal with the intentional deterioration of the National Health Service (in readiness for privatisation), part just standard Hancock thinking, stands to save the NHS billions in NHS pension payments.

“Just imagine it, elderly nurses and doctors, rapidly retrained (or not) to contemporary standards and methods, flung over the trenches into no man’s land. Mostly they’ll be treating one another as they catch Coronavirus, one after the other. But before they drop government friendly newspapers will be able to proclaim the outstanding boost in NHS staff numbers. And then the next day accuse the same doctors and nurses of bed blocking. It’s genius!”

Boris Johnson donates “£350m per week” bus to NHS in lieu of extra money

WHAT’S THE CASH VALUE OF UNCUT BS : The NHS is feeling relieved today after Downing Street found a way to secure the promise on the big red bus.

“The £350m to the NHS bus? We’ve sorted it,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “don’t say we don’t keep our promises.”

Whether or not the additional funding promised by the Prime Minister on the 2016 EUref campaign trail would ever be delivered has been a source of ongoing contention.

“No more. They can have the actual bus. It’s iconic. A collectible item from the UK’s struggle to free itself from global realities and continental interdependence in a rapidly changing, often hostile world. The extra funding promised can now be considered delivered and that one has been got done too! Just like the assurance no one is threatening the UK’s place in the single market. Oh and EU27 citizens’ rights will not change as a result of Brexit. Oh and we’ll have forty trade deals ready to sign the moment we leave the EU.”

The delivery of the bus will also ease concerns that the NHS was going to get the money promised only as a result of a fire-sale if its assets to US private health interests.

But how will the receipt of the bus translate into hard cash?

“They can auction it off if they want? Certain to raise billions when it goes under the hammer. Or keep it and charge access? Wherever it rests is bound to be a site of pilgrimage for the Brexit faithful.”

Maybe stick a pole inside it and charge for technological lessons?

“Corr, now you’re talking. Every course will easily take in over £100,000 and you can fill the bus and charge like a wounded bull every day.”

Brexit, it’s up to everyone to help make it as successful as the promises that got us into this mess.

Alexa to take over the NHS

The government has given away – not even sold – masses of confidential healthcare data to Amazon. This can only mean one thing. Alexa is going to take over the NHS.

The cradle to grave online retailer, which will happily sell you a cradle or indeed a grave, now knows your entire medical history. So don’t be surprised if Alexa suddenly says “drop the bacon sandwich, fat boy!” or sends you a bulk order of Viagra through your Amazon Prime account.

Now every time you get a sniffle, Alexa will let you grumble for ten minutes and then prescribe you antibiotics. So long as you ask nicely at eight o’clock in the morning, then wait like an idiot for 25 minutes while Alexa puts on her makeup and has a snack.

The prescription will cost the standard rate of, well, whatever the pharmaceutical companies decide they can get away with. Plus £19.99 for next day delivery. Plus a hike in your medical insurance premium. You will also get to peruse alternative drugs, as Amazon will dutifully inform you that “customers who were prescribed penicillin were also prescribed…”.

Alexa will automatically inform your employer whenever you pull a sickie, and suspend your broadband if you do a Google search for porn. 

Alexa will book you hospital appointments, if she thinks it is necessary. The waiting time for appointments will be inversely proportional to your income.

Alexa will confine you to bed and order you food from Just Eat. She will then forbid you to eat it because it’s full of sugar, fat and salt, but charge your current account anyway.

Alexa will count the cigarettes you smoke, the alcohol you drink, and the illegal drugs you consume. So don’t be surprised when she buys you a subscription to Alcoholics Anonymous and an oxygen cylinder.

Big Sister is watching you.