Category: The NHS

HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL: Egg-headed Health Secretary Sajid Javid is preaching to the unvaccinated again. Get jabbed, is his message, unless you don’t feel like it, in which case I have some Lateral Flow Tests to sell you.

In a statement which demonstrates his remarkable humanity, The Saj applauds those who do not accept vaccination. This, he says, shows an extraordinary selflessness, by leaving more vaccinations available for the feeble minded sheeple who insist on having them.

Prevention may be better than cure, but the corollary of that is that prevention is a lot less profitable. Nobody got rich by closing borders and giving away LFTs. Infect the public, create a market. That’s the mantra. Remember, Granny died in order to stimulate the economy. It’s a noble sacrifice, on a par with all those innocent young men who perished in the trenches for Britain.

Then, as now, we are being ruled by the finest specimens that the Upper Classes and the Public School system can produce. It’s the Charge Of The Light Brigade, only with viruses, not cannonballs. Dulce et decorum est, pro Boris Johnson mori.

However, there is a small problem with reducing the population to zero. There would be nobody to buy these totally reliable LFTs. And with a success rate of 52%, that’s absolutely overwhelming, and nothing at all like tossing a coin.

Remember, says The Saj, although prevention may be better than cure, it’s far too late for that now. All that is left is the profit motive, and a reminder that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Take that, long covid! Old wives’ tales beat facts hands down any day.

After all, if you are not actually dead, then there is no reason to skive off work or claim Universal Credit. All you need is one negative LFT and you’re good to go.

And we all know what happened to Humpty Dumpty.

MAKING UP THE NUMBERS: The infamous pledge to build 40 new hospitals will now be fulfilled outside many overworked hospitals. Thanks to new counting schemes, an ambulance waiting to admit an emergency patient now counts as a new hospital. 

“We have delivered on our promise!” claimed Bad Health Secretary Sajid Javid. The illumination from his lightbulb moment reflected in many directions, his perfectly shiny scalp acting like a glitter ball. He looked left and right, and his audience started to dance spontaneously.” Think about it!” he continued, to a thumping electronic beat, the crowd now openly popping pills. “Every ambulance is fully equipped for an emergency! It’s a hospital on wheels! Givin’ me the feels baby! Yeah!”

Not exactly Top Ten material, but the ravers, high on sovereignty and dubious substances, didn’t care. “Give us another choon, DJ The Saj!” they cried. 

Javid shook his glittering head again. “Don’t take a chance, you won’t catch covid in an ambulance!” he rapped, his skills as acute as an antivaxxer’s grasp of conventional science. “Do the hospital dance, while I take up the power stance!” He stood with his feet as far apart as his immaculately tailored suit trousers would allow, and raised his hands to the skies. The room went crazy. 

“Put your hands in the air, to show that you care! I’m wearing my ‘CARE’ badge, because I’m DJ The Saj!” 

Impartial BBC propagandist Cora Lunesberg was seen high-fiving disgraced serial shagger Matt Hancock. 

“No need to guess, just say yes!” Javid continued. “Let’s take back control of the NHS! Come big pharma, like a snake charmer, so don’t you listen to big bad Sir Keir Starmer!” 

Off their tits on freedom and independence, free from EU restrictions on illegal substances, the crowd had completely lost control. They partied into the night while Javid slunk away, his work done. 

It’s a rap. 

YOU WON’T BELIEVE YOUR EYES : THE UK’S NEWEST HEALTH SECRETARY, Sajid Javid, has already proven he has what it takes to not only carry on the outstanding work of his predecessor Doctor D’eath, but improve on it.

Not content to just adopt some half arsed, misunderstood Darwinian approach to pandemic management, he’s now moving into a kind of interpretive dance magic show with health policy.

The new direction was revealed today at a cosy conference where the megabrain of healthcare showed the public his latest trick.

“It was amaze balls,” one star struck spectator told LCD Views. “He came out onto the stage with a woman in a bunny costume. Old school. She set up a little side table with an NHS waiting list on it and then she handed him a hat and a magic cane. That’s when the magic started.”

While many in the audience expected Mr Javid to make his nubile assistant vanish into thin air, or pull an actual rabbit out of a hat, the maestro of healing had a novel trick up his sleeve.

“The assistant stood by his side turning her hips this way and that and motioning with her hands to the master,” the spectator continued, “Smiling all the way and Mr Javid, the Wizard of National Health, he stood calmly smiling at the audience before slowly waving his wand over the hat.”

What happened next caused all to gasp in shock and surprise.

“He pulled a fully functioning NHS hospital out of the hat! Ten stories tall, complete with staff and machines that go bing! People had to move back from the stage to fit it into the room. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

But of course that is the most accurate statement about the event.

Our keen eyed reporter lingered behind, after Mr Javid had bowed and left the stage, to take a closer look for wires and false doors.

“It’s just a sticking plaster,” they reported back. “It’s soaked in LSD. That will explain the audience reaction.”

Today was just the start of the magic show though. It’s rumoured tomorrow Mr Javid is going to sell more swathes of the NHS off to US health care interests and hope you’re so busy saving up for that hip replacement you don’t notice the National Health Service is vanishing before your eyes.

“It will look like it’s still there, as it will have NHS plastered all over it still. But it’ll be an illusion. Just like NHS Test and Trace.”

But what happened on the side table to the waiting list?

“Oh! It doubled in size! But no one noticed as they were high.”

HEARTFELT : The Johnson government brings its much anticipated NHS reform bill to the nodding dogs in the kennel called Westminster today as it edges closer to the greatest prize in Conservative politics, the dismantling of a public health service free at the point of use.

While some gasp noticeably at the thought of the UK health system going the way of the US, it is public service which drives the Tory MPs in the quest to leave you to die if you can’t afford cancer treatment. LCD Views spoke to one of the backbench MPs who will vote with the government to learn more.

“People need to take responsibility for their health,” Baron Insurhance Grifft Montgomery Subsidee told LCD Views. The Baron is the oldest son of seven and spoke to us in the grounds of ‘The House’, an ironic name for his family’s one hundred room ancestral home in rural Hertfordshire.

“It’s all very well to wake up every day alive and well and then expect the state to pick up the pieces when you wake up unwell.”

Baron Insurhance has long been troubled by the existence of the NHS.

“From an early age I saw the loss of productivity the mere existence of the NHS causes in the British workforce, which are idle enough as it is! I recall distinctly the day as a bright eyed and bushy tailed four year old I could not go duck shooting on our pond. Nanny was ‘at the doctors’ for some ghastly medical procedure. If she had to pay for the treatment would I have been left to drag the family blunderbuss down to the water’s edge on my own? I think not. People need to take responsibility for the accident of their birth. Just like I did when I inherited the wealth gained by my hardworking ancestors in the late 11th century. Supplemented by later generations who took full advantage of the sugar industry and after that supplying opium to the eager Orientals.”

One of the big gains hidden within the legislation is removing the statutory responsibility of the state to provide hospital care.

“There will still be hospitals. Any suggestion to the contrary is fearmongering. Just they’ll be more efficient hospitals branded with exciting new names of companies from the United States. The British are about to enjoy a very special relationship with healthcare. I’lll be only too happy to help you finance the removal of your child’s appendix. After all, if you can’t afford children, you shouldn’t breed like rabbits! Mind you, the way child mortality will go once we’ve finished with the NHS, you may need to knock a few more out to have a spare.”

GETTING YOUR PRIORITIES STRAIGHT: Freshly minted Health Secretary Sajid Javid has promised to carry on his predecessor’s great work. Accordingly, one of his first acts will be to recruit a mistress.

This is not just world beating, but follows the noble precedent set by Boris Johnson. Bonking Boris’ immediate priority on becoming PM was to install his own personal harem, so that he was never more than half an hour away from a generously proportioned blonde filly.

Hancock too recruited a lover. “This is only to be expected,” remarked political commentator Deepa Harder. “Our MPs lead busy lives, and it is actually de rigeur that they play away when they are away from their other half. Work hard, bonk hard, that’s the unwritten rule. There is a ministerial Philandering Fund to help busy, irresponsible MPs to get their end away.”

A Freedom of Information request revealed that Javid has applied for the full amount available. “He is hoping to get on the job, I mean, get on with the job, as soon as possible,” Harder reveals. “There are plenty of well-connected married women wanting a bit on the side, I mean, a bit of extra pocket money, for 15 days work a year. That amounts to an hour’s bonking every day, so really it’s a win-win situation.”

And it’s not just women who are queueing up to take advantage of the loosening of standards in public office.

“There are literally hundreds of thrusting young men bursting at the chance of a Westminster internship,” reveals Harder. “Most seem quite happy to satisfy the urges of the likes of Liz Truss, for example, or Priti Patel, in order to experience the corridors of power. There are even some who are quite happy to take on Michael Gove.”

So once this appointment has been made, in the near future, The Saj can get on with his real task of screwing the NHS.

LEAVING ON A JET PLANE: F*cking useless Health Secretary Matt Hancock has had enough. Fed up of people moaning about covid, he has finally cracked. ‘If you hate it so much, then leave’ is now the official position.

LCD Views can exclusively reveal that Hancock’s latest Special Advisor is none other than Dave23891085 off Twitter. Extensive research reveals that Dave is a bot which specialises in dishing out quality advice to anyone who dares to criticise the Tories.

An unrepentant Hancock did the rounds of the TV news shows to promote his new strategy. “It’s a zero tolerance approach,” he said impatiently as one interviewer tried to engage him with reason. “I have no more tolerance! Covid is here to stay, and if you don’t like it, clear off and go to some ghastly Woke foreign country.”

One reporter had the temerity to point out that travel to foreign countries was banned. “Nonsense!” he snapped. “There’s plenty of jobs going in Australia, if you can’t stand our world beating super spreading virus. Go and grow Vegemite! And I don’t like your tone!”

Nobody will take Brits any more, wailed another journalist, desperate to make Hancock see sense. “Really!” Hancock scoffed. “It’s idiotic Remainer scum like you who are talking this country down all the time. Boris is doing his best, and our vaccine provision is the best in the world. Yes, vaccines, vaccines. Let’s talk about vaccines, because what we need is freedom. People died for your freedom, and if you don’t like that, then maybe you should go elsewhere!”

Hancock paused, apparently deep in thought. “It is noble to die for your country,” he announced, finally. “Yes, we must lay down our lives for our freedom. And anyone consciously objecting should be given a white feather and deported. I’ll get the Prittster onto it immediately!”

With that, he stepped into the aeroplane and set off for pastures new.

LET IT GO LET IT GO : Downing Street have reacted swiftly today to news of rising caseloads of a dangerous new variant even while the roadmap to freedom is driven along without a backward, forward or sideways glance by the executive.

”We had a meeting over a late champagne breakfast involving the Prime Minister and some guys from a dark money funded think tank who think herd immunity is still the go to position and decided to take affirmative action,” an unreliable 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

Clearly there is no turning back as the road to freedom is driven in a vehicle that is yet to have a reverse gear installed. Happily the local and mayoral elections showed there is a considerable appetite in the national electorate for avoidable deaths. Even if they’re mountainous. So long as people keep getting vaccinated in the demographics most likely to favour the Conservatives.

“Clearly we can’t close the pubs again. Johnson had to mute Tim Martin’s phone number as it is. But it’s also clear that anyone paying attention maybe feeling a certain uneasy sense of déjà vu. We can not ignore that. We must do something about it.”

The actual action plan is many pronged. Something for which we can all be grateful.

“Firstly the Prime Minister’s hair is going to get increasingly outrageous. Like so mad you won’t be able to focus on the boring charts and graphs that litter woke twitter. That will help. And next we’re all going to be very careful about the language we use and the feelings we feel.”

How so specifically?

“It’s simple we’re going to pass a law today banning you from feeling déjà vu. It could not be simpler.”

Any talk of pursuing an elimination strategy?

“Don’t be daft! That would take a basic grasp of the link between the health of a population and the economy. Oh and empathy.”

A GENEROUS ORGAN : The UK’s most popular serving Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to make a move today that will see his enduring popularity rise even further.

The public have watched and swooned over recent days as details of the stylish and modest makeover of the No. 11 Downing Street flat have spread through the media and social media like the clap. Now the People’s Prime Minister is to take full advantage of the fever.

“We’re choosing a food bank via lottery,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The prime minister will take the spare roll of £850 wallpaper to the winner and donate it. You never know, next time you pop down for some own brand pasta you may come home a winner!”

While one lucky family is sure to find themselves beaming this afternoon, not everyone is thrilled.

“What about the glue, bucket and brush needed to apply the wallpaper to the wall? If you’re renting, can you even use it? Wouldn’t food be better? Or even a reversal in the decades long series of disastrous policies that have seen the food bank sector balloon shamefully?” Frank4378 asked on Twitter, before being arrested.

It’s not clear if Mr Johnson’s current handler will accompany him, or if the casting agency concerned have the time to arrange for the prop dog to be there too, but that shouldn’t dampen your interest.

“The handing over ceremony will be live streamed,” the source adds. “The PM will be wearing his new clothes and he’s going to shake hands with everyone in the food bank, quote a bit of Ancient Greek before walking into a cupboard trying to leave. It will be classic Boris.”

There are rumours that the lottery will also be streamed as Mr Johnson reaches into the hat to pull out the name of the lucky food bank.

“It’s an exceptionally large hat! Clown size. So many names to include. But I can give you a scoop. The winning food bank will be in Jenrick’s constituency as he’s been asked to organise the lottery.”

BURNS PUBLIC MONEY FOR FUN : BORIS JOHNSON has come a long way from the rumoured days of youth when he burnt £50 notes in front of homeless people for fun.

That sort of small time waste and intentional cruelty is now very much amateur league stuff in consideration of his activities as First Lord of the Treasury. Now he burns billions and incinerates them on the hour.

“It’s a calling,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Some are called to be doctors, nurses, firefighters or any number of professions that improve the lives of others. Johnson was called to be a human wrecking ball on the public’s finances.”

Whether it’s repainting planes he will hardly use to be more pointedly jingoistic, or refitting Downing Street out like a Topkapi Palace harem, Johnson is not shy at shovelling wads of cash onto a bonfire of his vanity.

“The £2.6m Downing Street press briefing room was small time but nicely symbolic,” the source continues. “Especially now it’s just going to be another meeting room, and after those nice Russians did such a good job on it too.”

It’s not entirely clear why the PM has backtracked on the US style briefings. Presumably because the individual hired to perform the sacred duty of shielding him from scrutiny, A Stratton, has decided she doesn’t want to completely shred her reputation on his pointy altar? Or maybe because now that Trump has gone US briefings are actually useful again.

“None of that matters. What matters is what Mr Johnson will now use his new £2.6m room for. He’ll turn up every now and then to clap for the NHS. Once he’s performed 2.6m claps we’ll be starting to see real value for money!”

IF YOU’RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT: Talk is cheap, and so is applause. So in lieu of a decent pay rise, nurses will in future be able to access their claps at ATMs everywhere.

This latest stroke of genius is the work of Matt Hancock’s office. The principle is simple. You insert your card as usual. Then select the quantity of applause you desire. The machine will applaud you as long as you have enough clap credit.

The machines will be developed by a chap who drinks at Hancock’s local, the Cock Up. An endless supply of cash has been promised to him, which is why the government can’t award any more money to the NHS.

Nurses are of course overjoyed. “To be honest, this matters more than money to me,” boasted suspicious Twitter account @FayeKingitt. “I’m happy to work for nothing, and so are all my friends, so long as the applause keeps coming! See you on the wards!”

There was a pile-on, but before @FayeKingitt could reply, she somehow deleted her account. But suspiciously similar messages appeared from suspiciously similar accounts. So that’s all good and genuine, then.

Some supermarkets are helping out. Special “Nurses only” shopping hours are offered after normal closing time, so that nurses may buy up all the cheap out-of-date food that would have gone in the skip anyway. Store managers will take it in turns to applaud the exhausted shoppers, claiming overtime for it of course.

As a special bonus, shops have agreed to raise the price of nurses’ food by no more than 2.1%.

The machines will be installed by the Serco track & trace team. This is down to their world beating success at extracting huge sums of public money on a vague promise to ‘do something useful with it’. 

The applause dispensers will cease operation when compassion fatigue sets in.