Category: The NHS

TIN OF EAR AND STONE OF HEART : The NHS is being instructed by Downing Street to claim victory today in its fight to receive an inflation busting pay rise.

Matt Hancock is to address the National Health Service over hospital tannoy systems later today and announce a new and patriotic “NHS medal” for health and social care workers. “Essentially it’s the old NHS badge updated. It will also replace the CARE badge, mostly because we don’t.”

“Recognition is more important than money,” Mr Hancock will also tell the workers, before recounting how he said he would never support the prorogation of Parliament to serve Brexit (before doing just that). “Clearly when it comes to PPE contracts it’s the reverse.”

The badge design is said to have been the work of no less a genius than the prime minister himself and is in the shape of one hand clapping.

“Clearly it’s both exhausting and expensive to clap with both hands. But one hand clapping allows you to not only recognise the sacrifices of NHS staff, but also allows the PM to have a free hand to carry on with what he does best.”

The badges, or medals, will be awarded to staff at flag draped award ceremonies which they will be expected to attend in their holidays.

“It will be compulsory to receive and wear the medal. On receipt you are no longer allowed to talk about pay rises anymore, you will show your gratitude for the government’s traditional recognition of individual sacrifice for the state.”

The medals will be produced in a factory owned by a minister’s mate, who lately has turned from producing replica Big Bens to PPE.

WHO WANTS TO BE A BILLIONAIRE? The mega-rich Chancellor, “Fishy” Rishi Sunak, is to turn down a well-deserved pay rise in solidarity with our heroic underpaid nurses.

“It’s only fair,” dissembled the BBC’s loyal Propaganda Chief, Laura Norder. “Nobody is more deserving than the nurses, and let’s face it, Fishy Rishi is hardly a nobody!”

She blushed, doubtless recalling some steamy episode.

To be fair, the figures show that a nurse will earn a whopping £3.50 a week extra on average. By contrast, anyone earning a salary of a billion pounds, and receiving a pay rise of 1%, would receive only a mere £1.38 more per second.

Many other prominent ministers are following suit. Matt Hancock is going to weep crocodile tears live on TV. Boris Johnson is going to tell transparent lies about how we all have to make sacrifices. And Priti Patel is going to get the numbers wrong, bully anyone who points out her error, and pay them £340,000 to keep quiet.

“Let’s face it, the government’s coffers are empty,” continued Norder, hastily pocketing a brown envelope stuffed with used banknotes. “There are moves afoot to create a new currency consisting of claps, but the technology to make an applauding cash machine is some distance away. Ministers are working night and day to dream up alternative arrangements.”

A big hand for the government, or just a finger?

“Give them a break!” screeched Norder. Broken fingers? “No, not Rishi’s fishy fingers, no government has ever had such a crisis to deal with, when they were elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done and that’s it, contract out the actual governing to luminaries like His Eminent Lordship David Frost, and spend the rest of their term throwing bread rolls and brickbats at Sir Keir Starmer.”

Bless you Mr Sunak! Compassion doesn’t come cheap.

EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON, the last of his kind, has taken a decisive step this morning to head off the growing furore over the sub-inflation pay rise offered to NHS staff in Rishi Sunak’s fantasy budget this week.

“He’s new to the job,” the PM told reporters over a Zoom link. “You have to be patient. He is just doing what he’s told. The Chancellor before him showed a minor streak of independent thought so we had to get rid of him. But Rishi is just so happy to be involved with the big kids he’ll do anything. Including stiff the NHS after a year in which hundreds of them have died due to insufficient PPE at the start of the crisis. And arguably because of my aborted decision to be a good time guy and try and save Christmas. Did you see January’s mortality rates? Holy hell! Don’t let the press get wind of it or they’ll never shut up about it.”

But while it took the PM a while to get to the reason for his address, he did in the end address the subsistence wages he expects NHS staff to live on.

“Look, you have to keep the field competitive. How many highly trained nurses will leave the NHS to go and work for privately owned agencies supplying nurses to the NHS if we pay them properly? It’s not as simple as just giving them a pay rise that respects their sacrifices. They’ve also been given a lot of applause. People tend to forget that.”

When asked what a nurse should do if they really just can’t make ends meet, the PM showed his generous streak.

“I would invite them to come to my home,” he said. “Carrie is out of control with the redecorating expenses. There’s a lot still to do. Painting. Laying flooring. Installing new bathrooms. They can pick up some additional cash in hand work pitching in.”

You know the address.

“Also, there’s babysitting and prop dog walking. They can top up their wages in their free time, help me keep the bally refurb costs down, and feel patriotic while they’re at it. It’s an opportunity that’s too good to miss.”

BATTLE OF BORIS : Few can forget where they were last year when Boris Johnson emerged from hospital after contracting Covid to thank the NHS for healing him. Few can, but Boris Johnson can.

Now in order to remind everyone just how serious his amnesia is the people’s Prime Minister has signed off on a sub-inflation pay rise for the NHS to show the depth of his gratitude.

“What sort of message would it send if we started giving whinging lefties pay rises instead of just exploiting their good nature for our own benefit?” a Downing Street source asked us and we don’t know why.

“Many public sector workers, be they in the NHS or schools, do so out of a passion to care for their fellow men, women and children. That good nature is ripe for exploitation and we’re not going to miss any opportunity to do just that.”

There is however a rumble of outrage in the country over the astronomical pisstaking by a government that can give its mates £37bn for a track and trace service that doesn’t work, enrich everyone Matt Hancock has ever met for substandard or non-existent PPE, but not give a fig about the workers who have been dying during the pandemic.

“Everyone just needs to calm down,” the source advises. “We’re also going to give the NHS workers a Spitfire flypast. And for patriotic Brits that’s more important than paying the rent.”

APPLAUSE NOT REDEEMABLE AS MONEY : Great news for tired NHS workers in the budget today after Rishi “Dazzles” Sunak lobbed them some much needed additional resources in his budget.

“Handwringing snowflake commies bang on about how nurses and doctors and porters and all the other boring people should be paid more, but inheritance millionaires know from experience that money can only buy you so much happiness,” an Exchequer insider told LCD Views.

“Rishi has looked after all front line, midfield and defensive NHS staff in his budget by way of an additional 350m per week.”

But before anyone starts to worry that Sunak has lost the plot it’s important to understand what currency the additional 350m is.

“It’s applause. He’s purchased a secondhand studio audience recording of people clapping and will personally deliver the tape to a hospital of his choice. They will get to play the tape over their tannoy until a timer registers 350m claps. Then he will turn up, photographers in tow clearly, possibly wearing a hoodie, and take the tape to deliver to the next hospital.”

Clearly the applause will be more than welcome and can be used by the overstretched and exhausted staff to pay their rent and other bills.

“The NHS staff have been risking their lives over the last year and to give them a pay rise now would just be insulting. It would cheapen their sacrifices by associating them with money. But applause? You can bank that in your feelings.”

There is also a cherry on the applause cake.

“From now on all Tory MPs will talk of the NHS staff exclusively in language normally reserved for soldiers in wartime. This way if more of them die as a result of substandard PPE everyone will know it was a sacrifice for a greater cause, not preventable, and no one will suggest a pay rise again.”

So go on, clap too! It’s all the NHS need to make it through, if you ask the government.

VARIATIONS ENIGMA: The UK is getting ahead of the curve again. With the Kent Variant, the South Africa Variant, and in all probability the VW Variant surging across Britain, Matt Hancock has made a promise to the nation.

“Every city, town and village will have its very own covid variant by 2024!” claimed the Wealth Means Health Secretary. “We will be ramping up the roll-out of this world beating programme, just as soon as we work out how to use it to justify emptying the Treasury into private pockets!”

Hancock paused to mop his overlarge, perspiring forehead with one of the Union flags that festooned his cubicle. The startled, rabbit in the headlights look continued to haunt his face, and a vein throbbed in his temple as if he were Dominic Raab’s evil twin. 

“We are leading the world in this respect!” he crowed, forcing a rictus grin which somehow made him look even crazier. His eyes bulged dangerously in their sockets. “And to ensure the success of the project, it will be headed up by Dido Harding!” 

Online pandemonium ensued. Hancock just about managed to disconnect Zoom, and take cover in his mandatory WiFi-free safe room. 

The implications are startling. Where could this policy end up?

“Each city, suburb, district, neighbourhood and street could have its own variant,” warned WHO Doctor Reg Eneration. “You could see a different variant in every house. The 23 Acacia Avenue variant could be deadly to the residents of number 21 and 25. Talking over the fence could become an arrestable offence, or would be once the Police Force Variant is under control.”

Stopping the virus from spreading any further seems to be the logical thing to do.

“That assumes that anyone wants to stop mutations,” argued Dr Eneration. “And all the evidence points the opposite way. So we may as well embrace it, literally as well as figuratively. We all have to go one day, after all.”

And there will be a statue of Matt Hancock in every deserted village.

MAKING UP THE NUMBERS: Cabinet makeweight Matt Hancock announced the figures today. Cabinet welterweight Priti Patel interpreted them, as only she can.

“One in sixty, that’s good odds,” Patel began promisingly. “When they get the second jab it will be one in twelvety, which is twice as many numbers gettin’ shot, I mean gettin’ a shot.”

Patel was only just gettin’ warmed up.

“The government is always lookin’ at the odds, and the evens, and the other difficult numbers in between,” she said. “Roundin’ down and rampin’ up the numbers, so as you see we are winnin’ the war on the virus, its days are numbered, we are more than half way to jabbin’ the people this evenin’, jabbin’, jabbin’, jabbin, then a swift right hook and they are out for the count.”

One nervous correspondent raised a timorous hand to ask a question.

“You dare to question ME?” roared Patel. “Off with her head!”

With that, she stormed out of the briefin’ room, heels clatterin’ angrily.

LCD Views’ Damned Lies correspondent, Stan de Deviation, had a look at the figures to discern how much of the truth Patel had unwittin’ly revealed.

“One in sixty adults looks about right,” he said cautiously. “Although these are still government statistics after all. As for the rest, well I think Patel is talking out of her arse. You know the phrase, chat shit get banged? If there were any integrity in this government, she would be looking at a knock-out punch and a spell on the sidelines.”

However there isn’t any integrity in this government, so far from bein’ on the ropes, Patel is struttin’ about on the canvas, with an iron fist inside her iron gloves, and any opponent is dispatched before they can climb into the ring. It’s called levellin’ up.

Are we half way there? Or just livin’ on a prayer?

THEY SEEK HER HERE THEY SEEK HER THERE: Dedicated followers of Dido Harding have fashioned a solution. Harding, who seems to have vanished along with the £22bn she earned for the world beating track and trace operation, is being desperately sought. The person appointed to find her is none other than Dido Harding.

In one way, this makes perfect sense. The one person on earth guaranteed to know the whereabouts of Dido Harding is Dido Harding herself. 

Those who doubt that the government should authorise such a ridiculous tautology, think of this. Dido find Dido? This is the same bunch of charlatans who gave us Brexit means Brexit.

The fee quoted is £22bn. Although arguably slightly on the high side, it is unfortunately the market rate, according to an anonymous government source.

The hue and cry will start as soon as the cheque has cleared. The pandemic control team is depending on it. 

“We are confident that the operation will be successful,” claimed government mystic Crystal Balls. “The voyage of self discovery may commence at any age. I am convinced that Dido will be able to find herself.” 

Others are not so sure. After all, Harding has a track record of vanishing without track or trace after being paid huge sums of public money to perform a self-defined task.

“It’s a scam, a rip-off,” argued public finance expert Budgie Toverspend. “My best guess is that she will pocket the cash, and then report periodically that, despite straining every sinew, she has been unable to discover her present whereabouts. She, and we, will get bored of this game after a while, and the subject will never be mentioned again.”

A team has been assembled. This, according to the same anonymous government source, is ‘second to none’. Team members are rumoured to include Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, and Scooby Doo.

So light a pipe, twiddle your moustache, and have a Scooby Snack. The con, I mean the chase, is on!

CAN YOU SMELL THAT? SOMETHING SMELLS : Great news today for struggling Tory party donors as the kleptocratic basket case they helped to create is now rewarding them both tangibly and imaginatively.

In particular it’s fantastic news for newly created Baroness Vice of Back-on-Hander with the decision to award her company, Applause Please plc, a £112m contract to supply claps for the NHS.

“It wouldn’t be right to accept the thousands of pounds we as MPs are receiving as a pay rise and not pay a chum millions to do something non-monetary for the dedicated NHS workers. Gesture politics are us!”

How the claps will be supplied is yet to be decided and it’s thought most of the £112m will be spent on consultants, and sub-contractors, to work out they best way to deliver the applause.

“We think the world of the NHS. People who dedicate themselves to the public good and weather all sorts of nonsense, and reduction in resources and standard of living caused deliberately by the government, we rely on them. They are wonderful. We can take advantage of them on Monday. Wake up Tuesday and do it all over again. It’s only right someone earns many millions working out the best way to press hands together rapidly to say thanks. A badge isn’t enough. Whatever it takes. We will strain every sinew to say thanks.”

It is hoped that Applause Please plc will also usher in a new era for the chum chum chumocracy as it bleeds the state dry.

“I would encourage anyone who is worried about their finances to visit their local Conservative association and donate some money to the local campaign. The rate of conversion is currently £1 donated will be returned as £1m, by way of a contract awarded without tender, so long as you remember to set up a company a few days before ‘winning’ the contract.”

ALL TOGETHER NOW! Let’s clap for the NHS! And pay a friend of a Tory MP to supply the claps to do it!

Nice work if you can get it.

GREAT ORIFICES OF STATE : DOWNING STREET is not holding its punches today as critics slam the beleaguered world class administration’s reaction to the Covid-19 crisis.

“Mountain in a teacup really,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “not Covid clearly, that’s a bloody crisis. It put the Prime Minister in intensive care! Stay ALERT. Do not go back to an office if you don’t have to. We’re not!”

Good advice. But this Matt Hancock stockpile? It is related to the Covid-19 crisis. It’s intimately involved with it.

“Biblically intimate?”

Yes.

“Cripes!”

So how do you respond to critics who say one Matt Hancock is one too many? And spending £352m on a stockpile of them is insanity at best, potentially egregious waste of precious resources at second best?

“Sorry. But let me continue on my first point. Do not shake hands with anyone in government! They’re bloody useless at following simple instructions. Mind you, most of their hands are so stained no amount of scrubbing will do it.”

The Matt Hancock stockpile?

“Storm on a molehill.”

Thank you for your time.

“Shake hands on it?”

Get off it!

“Well, shaking hands on it was good enough for the peanut seller in Narnia that sold us all the Matt Hancocks!”

But in spite of the government’s relaxed attitude to the billions wasted (by itself) during the pandemic, unpatriotic critics are continuing to wonder if the novel virus is the latest old fashioned cash in and cash out corruption crisis?

Just how much would you spend on one Matt Hancock? Let alone a pile of them?