“The perceived corruption problem would vanish if people didn’t know about it” – Tory cabinet

HANDS EYES MOUTH : The Tory cabinet is surprisingly beleaguered at the moment by a perception of corruption and something must be done about it.

“Not any corruption clearly, but the suspicion of it. The smell. Can you smell it? Talk about a great stink. It reeks to high heaven when we meet. Pooey!” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. They were smirking and waving their hands to waft away a decidedly foul aroma as they did.

The action to be taken appears to be a smart move too. They’re going to find out how all the stories of ministers, and those close to them are receiving gifts of lucrative pandemic related contracts without tender, keep hitting the press.

It’s not any corruption that is the problem it’s the fact people are finding out about it. Make sure to frame the story properly.

“If we can find the source of the stories than we can pay them off, or threaten them. Bully maybe a better world. We’ve got the right people to do it,” the source explained further.

“You don’t spend years getting elected to serve your best interests in some rotten borough where a potato with a blue rosette could do it, just to stay poor. What’s the point of public service?”


They better act swiftly though as the stories are becoming a deluge. Everyone appears to be in on it.

“We sit in the mother of parliaments. There’s a reputation to defend,” the source added. “Even if the reality these days is like a hidden portrait in an attic. Have you seen Dave’s portrait? Holy hell!”

The drive to gag the source of the cronyism stories has been nicknamed “The Three Wise Monkeys”.

“As long as no one hears, sees or says anything than we can properly milk this pandemic. Which is just the way a modern Conservative government comprised of disaster capitalists likes it.”

Tory sleaze, it’s easy if you have the right contacts. They lead to contracts.

“You know what they say, make hay while the plane loads of mutant variants fly in. Oh and blame the last Labour government. Ha!”

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