Woman with history of indecision decides exact day and time the UK ends

The Prime Minister gave solace to an anxious cluster of nations today by informing them of exactly the number of hours and days they have to save themselves.

“The United Kingdom will cease to be a member of the 21st century at 11pm on the 29th of March 2019,” the hollowed out husk of a politician stated.

LCD Views spoke to our economic forecaster for details of why the prime minister was able to be so exact.

“She’s not really here anymore,” Dr F Umble advises, “she’s been vanishing into the mist for many months now and I fully expect her to have disappeared completely by March 2019. Perhaps even by the end of 2017. It’s hard to say but it’s clear whichever fantasy realm she escaped from is taking her home for good.”

We are glad it’s clear for Dr Umble as it’s a bit bloody baffling for everyone else.

“I know it’s confusing for laymen,” Dr F continued, “but for someone who pays the slightest attention to all the red lights that are now flashing a screaming red on the economic and diplomatic dashboard of the United Kingdom it’s clear we have exactly”

The Doctor paused to get his calculator.

“Well, there’s fifty one days left in 2017, three hundred and sixty five? That many days for 2018 and about 96 days and twenty three hours left until we all vanish in a great tsunami of kipper urine in 2019. So that’s encouraging.”

The fantasy realm Ms May escaped from had the following words of advice,

“There’s buckley’s chance of her seeing out more than a few months as your unelected leader. We advise reverting to an absolute monarchy again and having another civil war.

But then, we grow Theresa Mays, so, probably best to just put sufficient pressure on your elected representatives until they realise all their legacies are going to be about as cheerful as a dose of bloody flux and you’ll probably find this entire Brexit dose goes away in an embarrassing calamity of u turns.”

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