Automotive safety bodies have demanded a Theresa May satnav mode be disabled after it was revealed it only ever advises drivers to turn to the hard right at any intersection.
“It makes it impossible to get anywhere,” Mr Mapp said, talking to LCD Views from a gridlocked street in Westminster, “you just end up going around in endless circles, even if they’re square circles.
The only time it tried anything different I ended up bogged in Westminster Green next to two red faced men holding a pro Brexit rally.”
It’s believed the design flaw is the result of a virus that infected the code behind the voice programme when Ms May’s voice patterns were recorded.
“It’s a bit of a mystery how a defining characteristic in her choices since becoming prime minister could have turned into a virus that’s infecting an entire system?” Mr Mapp wondered.
While a solution for the fault is sought drivers who have downloaded the Theresa May voice are advised to not use it. That it’s probably better to throw out the entire unit and get a fresh one.
“Hopefully they’ll get a fix. It’s been a troubled exercise from the start. The first edition drove people to distraction.”
This occurred because it issued instructions in three word soundbites that were grating at first, and quickly very distracting to drivers.
“Red means red isn’t much help,” Mr Mapp said, “Also, stop means stop, go means go and so on. Not once would she actually give a direction anyone could realistically follow.
The only driver who was so conditioned to being directed by machines they did exactly as instructed ended up in a dark pond, in their work car, while driving someone they were having an illicit encounter with home.
So they lost their job and their relationship once it all come out via the recovery and insurance process. I understand they’re now alone desperately ringing distant relatives for help.”
The further risk is apparently the sound of the actual voice itself.
“If you listen to it enough you can’t get it out of your head. And you end up hearing her instructing you when you’re on the toilet, brushing your teeth, making love, doing the grocery shopping, anything, anytime. It’ll send you mad.”
Just don’t do it. There’s always another option for how to get from A to B.