Category: This Sporting Life

LET ME THROUGH SO I CAN LEAD YOU : ENGLAND’S GREATEST PRIME MINISTER SINCE LORD NORTH, Boris Johnson, is to ramp up his appropriation of the success of the nation’s footballers ahead of Sunday’s Euro2020 final at Wembley.

Rumours emanating from Downing Street suggest that once Mr Johnson wakes up, sometime around midday, his team of genius SPADS will put to him their latest wheeze to capitalise on the success of ‘Team Woke’. This to lead the nation in taking the knee before the Sunday kickoff.

The action will take place outside 10 Downing Street because technicians at Wembley will still be preparing the green screen area for the Prime Minister to stand in front of while watching the match, up to “the last moment possible”. The use of special effects in footage of Mr Johnson watching the game has been key so far, as he’s “mostly bored off his tits and shouting for more bubbly or leering after a waitress”.

Ms Patel is expected to join Mr Johnson in the ceremony but there are concerns that “no one will notice the difference when she kneels”. This is not because of her short stature, but because she’s already about “as low as a human can go” now that she’s been given her head over refugee policy.

Critics of the Prime Minister are not impressed though and claim he’s merely trying to cash in and appropriate the worthy achievements of people more talented and genuine then himself.

“So? That’s a key plank of Tory behaviour, taking other people’s hard work and passing it off as your own for profit,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “So he’s really being exceptionally genuine when he does it.”

Lee Anderson, the Tory MP famous for boycotting the England team over the knee, is said to be “considering his options” ahead of Sunday’s final.

HIT FOR SIX: Peerages are usually reserved for time served. Downing Street intended to honour Chris Grayling, for his unparalleled record of failure. However, an unforeseen rebellion by the Committee saw the peerage awarded instead to former England cricket captain Ian Botham.

Lord Beefy of Brexit, as he will henceforward be known, was delighted. The only real justification he has is his support for Brexit. It is as if a rained-off day of Test cricket in Manchester had been replaced by replays of Botham’s heroics in the Headingley Ashes victory of 1981.

Botham, an excellent, talismanic player but rubbish captain, gave his expert analysis of the situation. “England is an island,” he said, sagely. “And it should stay like that!”

Grayling, meanwhile, was left to contemplate what might have been. “They told me the peerage was a done deal,” he moped. “I was the preferred candidate, all I needed to do was to show up at the right time, which I did, although two hours late as I misunderstood the instructions. And so they give it to someone successful! Kicked upstairs doesn’t mean what it used to mean!”

Other former stars are also fuming at the lack of honours. “It’s completely and utterly out of OOOOOORRRRDDDEEERRRRR!” bellowed one time Speaker of the House of Commons, John Bercow. “If tradition and cronyism counted for anything, then my peerage should have been in the post a year ago. I can’t believe they tried to give it to that nitwit Grayling!”

Other sporting heroes have also been disgruntled about the honour. “I’m Brexity too,” whinged his close contemporary Peter Shilton, the highly capped England goalkeeper. “I could be a Lord too. It hasn’t be any harder than keeping goal for Leicester City!”

He has a point.

It is strange that when sportsmen criticise Brexit that they are told to “stick to football”, or whichever sport they once played. Whereas Botham is ennobled.

Who knows why? I’m completely stumped.

Football’s coming home. Or, rather, football’s staying home. Hard working, hard drinking men are suddenly discovering an existence that doesn’t involve football.

Coronavirus has got football done. As a result, men are discovering exactly what their wives have been getting up to all these years.

Take diehard fan Homer Naway, for example. Homer, whose team Diss United got the red card due to infection fears, stayed home. He discovered that his wife, Getti Naway, had left him in 1973.

Homer rang his season ticket buddy, Sendy Noff. “Have you seen my wife?” he asked. “The house is full of empty cans and there are dirty underpants everywhere, she must have gone out.”

“What’s her name again?” said Sendy. “I just want to be sure.”

“Something unusual,” replied Homer. “Mendy, Messi, Vardy, something like that.”

“Getti?”

“Yes! That’s it!”

“I thought so, Homer,” replied Sendy. “She’s here with me. We’ve been married for almost fifty years!”

“So she’s Getti Noff now?”

“Maybe later, but it’s really none of your business!” retorted Sendy.

“But what do I do now?” wailed Homer. “I’m sober, I haven’t got my mates and all the football has stopped. I’m totally offside!”

“Find the video of Diss winning the semi in ’83,” said Sendy. “Watch it over and over. Wear your scarf. Then crack open a lager and Skype me! You’ll forget Getti all over again!”

“Back of the net!” cried Homer. “‘Ere we go, ‘ere we go, ‘ere we go!”

“Tell that waste of space that I changed team for a record transfer fee,” remarked Getti. “And that I’ve scored at least twenty times a season ever since!”

But Homer, transported magically back to the halcyon days of ’83, was no longer listening.

Diss may have suffered relegation. Homer may be Homer alone. But you can always draw comfort from wallowing in the past.

SOME THINGS JUST AREN’T WORTH THE SHAME : England’s unsuccessful Rugby World Cup squad have revealed the secret behind their lack of success, after failing to allow South Africa to lose the final in Japan.

“It’s all the fault of shit-Midas Boris Johnson,” a team insider revealed exclusively to LCD Views, “we could have won, but you know what that would have meant, don’t you?”

What?

“A 10 Downing Street photo op. Ghastly thought. That’s a taste that you couldn’t wash away no matter if you gargled with battery acid. Better just to avoid scoring as much as possible and give away penalty kicks like candy.”

It seems the decision to do so was clinched when Boris Johnson hastily pulled a rugby shirt on over his business shirt last night and posted a pile of shite on social media, in an attempt to associate himself with the team’s efforts.

“You’ve seen Boris Johnson play rugby. Remember? Against the Japanese kids. When he chose to completely flatten one of them? Well, losing in Japan also seemed a good way to say sorry for his behaviour to all Japanese children.”

It seems also the decision of Mr Johnson to post a clearly cynically staged photo of him pretending to watch the game today didn’t help either.

“Sat there on the floor like a wally holding down that little dog on his lap? If we hadn’t already decided to lose, that effort would have sealed it. Why does he bother? Why doesn’t he leave people who actually work hard to achieve something alone?”

But while the decision to throw the game is now clear, and supportable, the government doesn’t seem to be seeing it that way.

Rumours suggest that Priti Patel has ordered Home Office officials to immediately revoke the citizenship of the unsuccessful English team and deny them return to Blighty. The charge being “bringing shame on the Fatherland”.

“That’s fine with us,” the insider added, “we’re really enjoying Japan. Hopefully by the time we’re eventually allowed home the entire toxic shambles in Downing Street will have been flattened flatter than a Japanese school boy stood in Boris Johnson’s way.”

Who needs EU? Not Jacob Rees-Mogg, who is getting all jingoistic because England won the cricket world cup on a technicality.

“One has updated the popular chant,” said the Georgian throwback, choosing his words with seemingly forensic precision. “Nanny says it’s healthy to retain an interest in the lower orders.”

The chant now goes, two world wars and TWO world cups. All without being part of the EU.

“Well, of course technically we are still part of the EU,” commented the pompous pipecleaner. “But the world cup win was nothing to do with their pettifogging bureaucracy or their funding of random minorities. It was one hundred percent English grit and courage. I am persuaded that our great victory would have been even more comprehensive if Brexit had already happened!”

Leaving aside the facts that freedom of movement enabled England to field an Irishman as captain, and that several team members are from immigrant families, England teams have won other world cups. In women’s cricket, for example.

“Unfortunately that doesn’t count,” claimed the top-hatted beanpole. “I expect women bowl underarm, and they use a tennis ball, probably, and they have to stop to make tea for their husbands every five minutes. It’s not the same!”

Not to mention all the times we won the rugby world cup.

“That doesn’t fit my argument, so I am going to ignore it completely,” argued the inexpert expert. “Cricket is the nation’s national sport, so it counts. Association football is popular, and vitally important because of all the money involved, of course. We won two wars against the EU on our own, and one world cup before we joined the EU, and now one when we are about to leave. The EU is the common enemy. England stands alone!”

At this point, the doctors returned to ensure Mr Rees-Mogg was safely in his straitjacket.

Win means win. A tied game, and a tied tie-breaker, decided eventually using an obscure rule. Obviously an overwhelming victory.

At least it’s only a game. Nobody would ever decide the future of a whole country like this.

PREMIER : All English regions have announced the establishment of a premier league table for milkshaking fascists today, neatly timed to takeover with the summer break in the football premier league.

Totnes, Devon, claimed top spot in the new sport today with a full head milkshaking of UKIP candidate Carl Benjamin, who was left completely drenched while attempting to perform his misogyny based stand up routine in the town.

https://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/video-news/ukips-carl-benjamin-milkshaked-during-totnes-visit-38106509.html

“Total facial is maximum points, ” explained Mr Cable Street, who was a prime mover behind the establishment of the league, “this put them at the top of the table with their first appearance.”

But another Devon fixture, Plymouth, got itself onto the board over the weekend too with the drenching in milk of an image of UKIP leader Gerald Batten, on the side of the bus, with the same bus receiving a parking ticket in extra time.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/ukip-bus-given-parking-fine-15241159

The latest sporting craze to grip England was kicked off last week though, when roaming fixture, Tommy ‘not my real name’ Robinson, was milkshaked twice, once in Bury and once in Warrington, as the northern teams looked to set the standard for their southern rivals.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/tommy-robinson-swings-punches-man-14985549

The BBC is under pressure to begin commentary on the fixtures with a dedicated digital radio channel, similar to Test Match Special, but are resisting, only adding to the worrying speculation that they quite like hard right wingers these days.

Why the hard right is proving so vulnerable to the milkshake formation is not entirely clear, but our sports analyst has an idea.

“It’s because they only play down the extreme right of the pitch,” our analyst says, “which leaves them wide open in the moderate right, centre, left of centre and all the way until you run into the revolutionary communists, who are also quite keen on Brexit, but not so keen on playing professionally, while they have players already on the pitch at Westminster.”

Further teams are expected to get onto the table over the next ten days as UKIP plays fixtures across the country in the build up to the EU elections. Why it’s been left to local towns to put up players against the hard right can be explained by a complete and total moral failure of both major teams at Westminster, too busy trying to seize the cup of lies, Brexit, from one another.