Tim Martin to replace SAGE in order to avoid second national lockdown

LOCK-IN IS THE ORDER : WORLD LEADER Boris Johnson requires the best advice if he is ever going to wrestle that invisible CV-19 mugger to the floor.

And while some so called scientists appear to be handwringing over the sheer testicular effort needed to do the required wrestling, not our BoRiS. He’s total balls. If only he could find them. It must be the fault of the girly swots, unmanning a hitherto unstoppable lothario of sound governance.

So to ensure Johnson makes the right moves at the right time he’s made a significant change to SAGE today.

“Whitty thought he was so funny, constantly handwringing and worrying about mortality rates,” a 10 Downing Street adviser told LCD Views, “how is anyone going to have a good time with that stick in the mud around? How is Johnson supposed to enjoy being PM if people keep boring him with detail? And don’t even mention exponential to us. Exponential contracts awarded to mates of Tory MPs is the only runaway number we’re worried about.”

If you can’t make hay while the Covid shines when can you? Well, Brexit will certainly see a need for contracts for completely unforeseen calamities dished out too. But that’s for tomorrow. Today is viral.

“And today is the time to act. So Whitty and the other long faces are out of SAGE,” the advisor beams, “and Tim Martin is in! There’s no surer way of avoiding the harm a second national lockdown will bring except by turning the whole of the U.K. into a Wetherspoons lock in. We’ll even be issuing the new Covid-19 advice on beer mats from here on in. Get in!”

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