Tory MP demands school leavers write open letter of apology for ruining Prime Minister’s holiday

A* BY ANY HOLIDAY ALGORITHM : TORY MP for Foxbothering, Sir Cluster Fumble-sythe Othering, has published an open letter in the weekend press insisting that Prime Minister Boris Johnson deserves an apology.

The cause of the offence appears to be the apparent truncation of the PM’s thirty six week long break this year.

“It’s the students who are to blame,” Sir Othering says, “if the lower classes knew their place then the prime minister could have enjoyed his week yachting with that Russian businessman without distress. After Brexit there won’t be state schools. So that’s something.”

Sir Othering goes on to demand that “low born pupils, and their work shy parents” apply themselves to the matter of making “amends”.

“Can you imagine how upsetting it must be to finally get this week’s week off only for some pathetic squabble over grades to ruin it?” he adds.

“People no longer know their place. It is the ruin of Great Britain. Just look at the jocks!”

Sir Othering continues for a considerable time. The text eventually reaching the length of a novella.

And he has suggestions at the end for actions to follow the word sorry.

“A good dose of the clap,” he asserts, “that’s what the PM needs. I expect you all to give it to him. Every last ungrateful, barely literate one of you. 8pm tonight you are to give the prime minister the clap.”

It remains to be seen how deeply the MP’s demand resonates with the great unwashed, we will know at 8pm tonight and subsequently when the first post arrives at 10 Downing Street on Monday.

As footnote to the story Sir Othering followed up just before we went to print ourselves with a welcome clarification.

“The copy editor who prepared my piece mistakenly forgot to correct the assertion that the PM is yachting with a Russian. This is definitely not the case. The PM has been in a poorly erected tent that looks like it belongs in the 19th century on an angled cliff edge by the wind swept sea. With his mistress and someone’s baby.”

A further clarification is expected later regarding the parentage of the infant concerned. Happy holidays.

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