Tory MPs prepare to accuse Russia of stuffing their pockets with cash “while our backs were turned!”

HOW DID THIS WAD GET INTO MY PADS : THE RULING POLITICAL PARTY OF ENGLAND, The Conservative and Increasingly Un-Unionist Party, are now attempting to get ahead of the findings of a long repressed report.

“The news that Russian businessmen and women, linked to the President (for life) of Russia, have been stuffing our pockets with currency is completely astounding,” one entirely fictional MP told LCD Views, off the record.

“I mean, I knew something was amiss. My bank account started showing Roubles in it in an account I have no recollection of setting up at all. I am seriously looking into how to take the money out of all those helicopter flights and return it. I’m sure that it’s been transferred to me in error in those brown paper bags that I mistakenly deposited in that tax haven bank account. Bloody sneaky. The cheek of them!”

What the Russians will do once the money is returned isn’t clear, given they’ve already lit the fuse on the demolition of the UK by virtue of Brexit.

“The American money is okay though? Isn’t it?” The anonymous (and fictional) MP was desperate to know.

“Stuffing our pockets by accident with US neocon money is a sensible precaution in case the Russians stop donating? It’s in our constitution. Isn’t it?”

A support group is to be established for the afflicted MPs and training given to not be so careless in the future.

“I mean it’s not really on. You turn your back during a friendly tennis match, just to get some water and a towel, and when you turn back there’s a packet of cash in your pockets. It really interrupts handling of the balls.”

Handling of the balls of Tory MPs, by certain people, may also be mentioned in the long repressed Intelligence report on foreign interference.

“Good thing we got Brexit done. Otherwise we’d be in a right pickle. People pay for things they expect them delivered. Not that anyone paid me for anything. They just helped with my re-election. Which is what you expect of good patriots. Comrade. Total recall, especially when it’s time for deflection.”

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